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There is No “New Normal” Because There Was Never a “Normal.”

If you were to ask the general public what specific outbreak might wreak mayhem within our lifetimes, you’d likely hear Flu, locusts, boils, frogs, politicians or something similar from social media prophetics or the Book of Revelations.

Even when news of another coronavirus hit, it was in a far away land impacting only “other peoples.” It would seem hyperbole that cruise ships would become the vector ferrying tiny, spiky, murder spheres to our own shores.

Our sole defense was keeping the potentially contagious temporarily adrift on floating petri dishes, while enjoying 24-hour buffets and sequined ABBA and NSYNC cover bands.

But we’d soon be worried over parents, grandparents, and ourselves as we came face-to-face with our vulnerability and the inter-connectedness of our Planet. Moreover, we realized that nothing was ever “under control” – an illusion we had believed and subscribed to for a generation. And we became angry at the thin veil through which life was sewn.

Didn’t Someone’s God assure us we’d never be given more than we can handle?

Actually, no. This guarantee isn’t in the Bible, Quran, Torah, Guru Granth Sahib, Vedas, Tripitaka, or Kojiki. It’s a motivational quip we like to keep next to those Live, Love, Laugh prints from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The problem with living such a comfortable existence for so long, is the depth of the fall to a life of discomfort.

Thankfully, we’re buoyed by the frontline workers in healthcare, at nursing homes, behind badges, delivery personnel, pharmacists, grocery employees, and perhaps the most unexpected superheroes: undocumented agriculture workers – without whom we’d lose a vital tier of the food pyramid.

Mid 2020 has seen the indoctrination of millions of newcomers into the anxiety and depression clubs – the steep dues paid with inner chill and peace of mind. Though many of us (i.e., the anxious) have been mentally prepping for a lifetime, we too found ourselves ill-equipped for an epidemic. You can’t train for a contagion that exists only in one’s mind (another reason why worry is a useless endeavor). But suddenly it’s not so weird to clean an apple with a bleach wipe.

Find the humor, find the cure.

It’s always there. This might not be the best time to ponder Dostoyevsky’s Poor Folk or The House of the Dead – though I’m a huge proponent of the man otherwise. A pandemic calls for some light and cheery reading to facilitate levity and laughs. Consider anything from Dave Barry or Augustin Burroughs. And don’t overlook works by other great contributors like Erma Bombeck and Dorothy Parker.

Mark Twain knew it best: “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.” Studies confirm that laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a chemical in the brain that creates a sense of joy. Moreover, humor is clinically validated to reduce stress long-term by improving the immune system through the release of neuropeptides, relieving pain, increasing personal satisfaction, and lessening depression and anxiety. The simple act of smiling causes the brain to release dopamine, which in turn makes us feel happy. But don’t worry about the science. Just YouTube “Sebastian Maniscalco” or “cat videos” and away you go.

Humor = Calamity + Time.

Humor will change your relationship to the problem of stress, worry, or anxiety. It reduces stigma, promotes wellbeing, helps you to cope with difficult situations, reduces tension, discomfort and stress; and strengthens your immune system. It’s pretty much a miracle elixir.

Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, sourced and used humor as one tactic to survive German concentration camps, and he highlighted humor as ‘another of the soul’s weapons in the fight for self-preservation.’ “The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living,” cited Frankl.

Humor produces endorphins that soothe the body and allows a responsive brain to take charge – like a legal massage somewhere with no blacked-out windows.

There cannot be a “normal” in an unpredictable world. We use terms like “new normal” to instill an element of control over things. Control is an illusion.

But radically accepting the randomness of life, while staying mindful in the present is damn liberating. We don’t like to admit that we actually have little control over anything – especially our own fates – yet we do things that impact our longevity. You can now observe the rampant OCD taking place nearly everywhere by those not accustomed to proper OCD’ing. For example, shaking hands during Flu season (or otherwise) has always been an archaic practice in the transmission of filth. Have you seen what you do with your hands?! Despite lacking opposable thumbs, even dogs know that sniffing butts is a more hygienic “hello.”

And consider a University of Arizona study revealing that cellphones carry 10 times more bacteria than most toilet seats. Yet we don’t hesitate to pinch zoom a pic when someone hands us their toilet phone.

And, how many times have you eaten birthday cake blown on by someone you didn’t like or barely knew? Well, you might as well have them blow directly into your open mouth. A study in the Journal of Food Research determined that blowing out candles over that sweet, sticky icing resulted in 1,400% more bacteria compared to icing spared the puff (The study was aptly titled “Bacterial Transfer Associated with Blowing Out Candles on a Birthday Cake”).

Black-light most any hotel room and it will look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Hotels will charge $250 for smoking in your room, but you can leave a bodily bio-hazard at no charge. This serves to heighten my perception of hotels as wildly filthy. And do you think the card keys ever get cleaned? I question the entire arrangement altogether. Most of us make that room as cozy as our own, in full denial that few people tip the maids upon checkout.

Hotels are where people go to cut their toenails, trim body hair, or bleed. The mattresses are literal smut sponges. But we gladly pay for the privilege of rubbing our faces into the pillows and bleach-infused towels.

Humor is ever present. You just gotta peek through the dank mental hues of your angst. Sourcing the lighter side of your emotions is vital – particularly when a third of Americans are now showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression.

Covid created a massive wake of anxiety and depression across the globe, along with budding terms like “immunity privileged” and “vaccine nationalism.”

Understandably, as most of us had not incurred a life disruption of this magnitude prior. During the initial stages of the pandemic, I spent most of my time hiding from humanity to avoid the contagion. My sole activity was sterilizing everything I ordered via Instacart and Amazon with disinfectant wipes. I wondered if anyone else was using hospital grade wipes on their organic lettuce.

There are a handful of things I’ve done to maintain internal peace and manage my anxiety during the quarantines and isolation. One of the most vital was distraction afforded by Netflix binges, naturally. But I also read a lot. At any given time during the pandemic, I’ve been concurrently reading five to six books depending on mood.

I also attend live or archived online church and devotional sessions to feel grounded. This is where I learned specific scriptures that also helped carry me through the salty times. Isaiah 41:10-13, Isaiah 53, Psalm 23, Psalm 40:1-3, Psalm 91, and particularly Philippians 4:6-8 were pivotal in smoothing the frays. Memorizing scripture is also a form of meditation. And it helps train the brain for other things – like remembering to brush your teeth or what day it is.

A good chunk of my Covid coping time was spent on building an in-home gym since my fitness center closed. This was exceptionally challenging as millions had the same idea, and every dumbbell, kettlebell, and old-school cement-filled, vinyl prison weight was sold-out everywhere.

Over weeks, I slowly accrued a Frankenstein gym of mismatched heavy things.

I converted my living room into a carpeted fitness studio where I performed calisthenic and plyometric feats of athleticism, such as 3,000 burpees and push-ups per month. I also fast-walked like a soccer mom late to A.A. 25 miles per week. Sadly, my ”nothing succeeds like excess” mindset and compromised shoulders reminded me why my body was made for writing in an ergonomic chair. I was soon too injured from one of the physical endeavors to do anything else, and I had to take two months off. But my anxiety did not.

Anxiety and depression can pique in the absence of coping skills. When we assign value or validity to intrusive thoughts and fears, it’s like mental Miracle-Gro. Talking to a therapist via phone or teletherapy is a measurably effective adjunct tool during stressful times.

There is a little-known dichotomy about mental health issues that makes seeking treatment difficult:

When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. My anxiety doesn’t want me to pay bills until I’m getting hate mail from creditors, fold laundry until I have no room on my bed to sleep, get groceries until I’m down to ramen and a jar of crusted mayo, or wash my car until stranger’s spell profanities on the windows.

There are two incidences when you should seek out a professional.

If you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, or if you are having passive thoughts about hurting yourself or others (even if you don’t have a plan or any real intent to follow through with these thoughts).
If your symptoms are starting to interfere with your daily life. Such symptoms could include suddenly not getting along with friends or family, difficulty with sleep, problems eating, doing poorly in school or work, or starting to use alcohol or drugs to cope or feel better.

How to choose a therapist

There are many different types of talk therapies available, and many types of therapists to choose from. So which therapy and therapist is right for you? When it comes to treating all mental health issues, especially anxiety or depression, you want to make sure you chose a therapist that uses an approach that is evidence based or empirically validated. This means that they say and do things to treat your symptoms that have been proven by research to be effective. It doesn’t mean watching episodes of Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz.

Client: “What should I do?”
Therapist: “What do you think you should do?”
Client: “Alright then, keep your secrets.”

When choosing a therapist, there’s an array of therapy degrees that include psychiatrists (M.D.), psychologists (PsyD.), and masters level therapists (LCSW, MCSW, etc.). Don’t get hung-up on the pedigree. Just make sure the person is licensed – meaning s/he went to a school that was accredited, received training that was accredited, and have passed both a national and state licensing examination to prove they know what they are talking about.

Equally important, you want to see someone that you like. If you’re going to see a therapist, the type of degree is less important than making sure they are licensed, using techniques that are supported by research, and are someone you can trust and get along with. I personally know some smart but ~~asshole~~ jerk psychologists that shouldn’t be advising anyone on anything, despite their diplomas. Remember who’s paying whom, and hire/fire accordingly.

How long will you need to attend therapy?

The duration of therapy needed is unique for everyone. Many people experience improvement within only a few sessions, while others reap benefits through months or even years of seeing a professional. There’s no commitment required. The goal is simply helping you achieve measurable improvement.

You can also access the “Managing Covid-19 Anxiety” resource page by the reputable Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Just come away from this knowing that you never need to white-knuckle things alone. Your state-of-mind can make it hard to reach-out, which is precisely when you should.

Quarantine and Chill: Keeping Calm in the Age of Pandemic Porn

Covid-19 is the newest, baddest boogeyman we’ve collectively (not) known. And this one is especially surly because it decimates 401k’s while punching grandmas in the lungs.

As a professional worrier with a black-belt in anxiety, a pandemic was far down my “List of Greatest Anxieties;” falling below an incoming asteroid, Celine Dion, or a “Frozen 5” release. The Covid-19 anxiety trigger caught me so off-guard that I was cerebrally stymied – not by the virus – rather people’s reactions to news of the virus. I found myself on the anxiety sidelines watching the Country run amok depleting supermarket shelves then retreating into doomsday bunkers, while I did nothing. Why? Because the world is not going to implode. Even if irresponsible headlines suggest otherwise.

Symptoms of Coronavirus:

Dry cough
Fever
Trouble breathing
Sudden urge to believe the media’s bullshit

We’re familiar with pneumonia and other afflictions like K-pop and the Kardashians, but most of us haven’t had Covid-19. Therein lies our angst. Anxiety is rooted in a fear of the unknown. This pandemic is exacerbated by a “looming vulnerability” as it creeps closer to our own doorstep, while we have no idea to what severity it might afflict us personally – if at all.

This Looming Vulnerability Model – a perception of a growing, rapidly approaching threat – is traced to our evolutionary past. But it’s a dysfunctional perception that affects our thought processing, functioning, emotions, and behavior. It’s what leads us to thinking that to survive, we must stockpile guns, ammo, and ramen. But this isn’t “The Purge: Anarchy” movie. Even the inept powers-that-be know we will continue to need food and provisions.

Price gouging, panic porn, conspiracy theories, and sensationalist media coverage of the outbreak is fueling existing fears, to include a deliberate pandering to xenophobic stereotypes and click-bait exaggerations. Don’t worry – the Stafford Act does not give the president the authority to declare a nationwide lock-down. We should absolutely self-quarantine and follow distancing protocols. But you will continue to have access to the things you need at Trader Joe’s. You won’t be holed-up like Bin Laden in a fortified dugout of couscous and wives.

Predictions of impending apocalypse have been suggested since the first millennium CE. And even Columbus claimed that the world would last only 7000 years as he whipped-up the first batch of candied yams. And, remember when the world was ending at 12:00 am on January 1^st, 2000? In the fallout of these foiled dates, we endure. Because hope spreads faster than contagion.

You want to hear a coronavirus joke?
You probably won’t get it.

Like many, my own parents are in the highest-risk group for the virus. My mom has a rare stage-4 cancer and is in the hospital almost weekly. While my dad is a stubborn 80-year old facing down the virus like it was a tiny insurgent blocking his entrance to Costco. I’m quite worried for them both. But I strive to consistently source the humor of this salty new frontier to keep my wits.

Hoarding toilet paper won’t help. This isn’t cholera. Panic buying begets panic buying. But we are not powerless. We actually have a choice in all of this: We can choose to find the upside. It’s actually everywhere if you look closely.

SOME UPSIDES TO ALL THE DOWN…

You can poop at home on weekdays.
The antivaxxers are unusually quiet.
The world is actually cleaner than it’s ever been. Never before did so many scrub so much so often.
You have a newfound appreciation of delivery personnel, pet shelter volunteers, therapists, baristas, and nurses.
You’ve discovered forms of exercise outside of filthy gyms.
FaceTime quarantini happy hours.
You’ve learned how to touch your face less with your foul little germ-sticks
Marriages will grow stronger as people practice the “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” thing.
We now see how small and interconnected we are as a planet.
Working remotely will be recognized for its efficiencies, as companies must face the archaic practice of caging people in fabric-lined cubes and feeding them microwaved popcorn.
If you’re an introvert, then this is like any other time.
You’re going to save on haircuts, mani-pedi’s, and bars because … you’re not going. You will also save on dry-cleaning and laundry since you’re donning the same yoga pants and sweats for days.
You’ve stopped worrying about whatever it was you worried about before all of this.

The emerging heroes in the fracas are the supermarket employees who non-judgmentally stock and tally our anxious hoarding; the veterinarians who care for our beloved pets; the pharmacists who fill our prescriptions throughout 24-hour drugstores across America; and the relentless truckers who don’t stop providing a crazed populace food and adult baby wipes. Americans are at their best in times of crisis. And history will reveal that it was the blue collars and blue scrubs that kept the world turning throughout the most anxious time of our lives.

In the meantime, there are some things you can do to harvest your chill.

QUARANTINE “TO-DO” LIST:

Order a bidet from Amazon.
If you smoke or vape, quit. The last thing you want during a respiratory pandemic are tarry lungs.
Start the book you bought 7 years ago.
Learn a new Tik Tok dance. Here are 10 to get you started.
Catch up on your favorite Netflix series.
Learn to be still. This new lifestyle is intended to slow us down for our own good. It’s uncomfortable to not be in control. HINT: We were never in control.
Memorize Psalm 23 or Psalm 46.
Wash your hands like you’re lathering your biggest crush, and their life depended on your thoroughness.
Write thank you emails or letters to people who’ve been kind towards you. Ever.
Be an exemplary human. Check-in on those more vulnerable. It might be your own grandparent, or it might be one you’ll adopt.
Sing along to “We Are the Champions” by Queen, “Firework” by Katy Perry, “Let it Go” from Disney’s “Frozen,” or “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, or “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Diana Ross, or that famous brain worm “I Get Knocked Down” by Tubthumping.
Watch this soothing, live jelly cam or any of these other amazing live cams at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.
Shelters around the globe are in urgent need of help due to the COVID-19 crisis. Donate any amount to the ASPCA. PS: Do NOT pet your animals after using hand sanitizer. It’s toxic for all animals.
Access the “Managing Covid-19 Anxiety” resource page by the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).
The endless great outdoors are perfectly safe and available for your exercise and enjoyment. Continuing with the soothing nautical theme, consider this live Channel Islands kelp cam. or this Yosemite Falls live cam, or the Georgia Aquarium live piranha cam (a fan favorite). *Don’t forget to maximize your screen for this eye candy.*
Sadly, we cannot trust news outlets to stop exploiting our fears. So, get the information you need quickly from trusted sources and move on.

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. –H.P. Lovecraft

CORONAXIETY: How to Find Your Chill

At home and on social media, you’re an extroverted badass. In public, you’ve likely become an isolationist dodging eye contact and handshakes, with a tendency towards agoraphobia and a general excitement over cancelled plans.

In Australia, major grocers have restricted toilet paper to one pack per person. In Japan, rolls are chained to the wall in public restrooms. And, in Hong Kong, armed robbers recently carried out a heist as supplies were delivered to a supermarket. Hoarding is a natural human reaction in times of high anxiety.

Anxious hoarding makes us feel like we’re doing something, while fulfilling a need for control. Even if only over anal hygiene.

The world is not teetering on the brink of extinction, but a prolific media is relentlessly reporting the a-cough-alypse via HD pessimism and push-notifications to your phone. Covid-19 is not the pandemic of yore. Sure, it’s crafty and loves the limelight, but it’s injury and mortality rates are paltry in comparison to what your predecessors experienced. Consider that The Plague claimed up to 375 million lives across Europe and Asia during the 14th century. While over the past 300 years, there have been three Flu pandemics, including the Spanish Flu, which killed 50 million people worldwide.

What if…? → Worry → Anxiety → Demoralization & Exhaustion

To add further perspective, every year sharks kill approximately 10 people, while about 100 die from being stepped on by cows, and 150 by falling coconuts. More people die on their couches watching Shark Week than being eaten by them. We fear the wrong things. It’s the creatures that lurk within our minds that truly invoke fear.

In reality, we should be more concerned with cancer, Lyme Disease and our Sno-Cones for glaciers than Covid-19. But the media is a fickle instigator that loves to trigger us. The coronavirus is their latest attempt to drill fear, anxiety, and panic into our psyches. The current media-fueled paranoia has created a fresh culture of hoarding that simply isn’t commiserate with the reality.

And as a historically anxious guy, I would know. But despite the daily torrent of virus news, I surprise myself at my own response. I have yet to avoid the gym, restaurants, or hotels; nor have I hoarded a single item. One only needs to view my cupboards to spot normally low levels of toilet paper and pinot noir. My pantry looks the same today as it did pre-pandemic; with only a few cans of tuna, stale granola, and no record-setting tubs of peanut butter, Chex Mix, or cases of Fruit Roll-Ups.

Those of us prone to anxiety have been mentally (not physically) prepping for disaster, calamity, and pandemics all of our lives. Anxiety’s muse is worst-case-scenarios. When one actually occurs, we’re in our element. Finally, everyone else has moved into our irrationally dysfunctional lane. Except that most people aren’t career worriers, and they’re doing it all wrong.

By way of example, I have always worn 6 mm thick black nitrile gloves at the gym on each visit. I also have a legacy of using hospital grade Sani-wipes at cafes, hotels, and in rental cars – all while fully cognizant that it’s overkill and likely why I have little immunity to the common cold or telemarketers. But I finally have justification for my compulsions, and look less crazy to the newly anxious.

The media loves to scare us – whether about pathogens thriving in our kitchen sponge, or the carcinogens in our mattress.

I see online images of barren store shelves, and hear tales of people having to wipe themselves with socks because Cottonelle is now a controlled substance. Somehow, I’m still not attending the Costco Fight Clubs or subscribing to the mania. If I can source my inner-ohm, so can you.

My recent chill can also be attributed to the serenity I witness whenever I enter a local Safeway, CVS, or Trader Joe’s, despite the fact that I live in the town of the first Covid-19 death in the U.S. Yet, shelves are stocked, terror is absent, respirators are not adorned, and society here is humming along in absence of mass chaos. In the past week, I’ve experienced the same palpable calm throughout the San Francisco Bay Area all the way south to Los Angeles.

Taking precautions is sound practice. But thieving Starbucks napkins and one-ply toilet paper from gas stations is unhealthy paranoia. Fortunately, normalcy is contagious. But so is fear. The anxiety seed-planting by the media is the biggest contagion of all. It’s reckless of news outlets to create a culture of fear through biased reporting, thereby sustaining an anxiety continuum that frays our nerves.

So, What Can You Do to Keep Your Cool?

1. GO ON A BRAIN DIET. The antidote to feeling better in a world seemingly gone mad is as simple as limiting your media consumption. You can’t control the turmoil, but you can dramatically limit your exposure and counter the negative with some positives like Upworthy, The Good News Network, and YouTube cat videos. You may like being up to date on news, but at what cost to your internal peace? Make a media exposure limit and stick to it.

2. FIND THE HUMOR. IT’S THERE. Anxiety and humor cannot coexist – sort of like Clark Kent and Superman, or humidity and good hair. Using humor in trying times causes a mental and emotional shift that yields a new perspective in approaching difficult situations. And, it does all this without drugs or booze, so you can relish the healing properties of laughter at work or while operating equipment – like a lathe or wet screed. And, phrases like “social distancing,” “let’s board a cruise ship,” and “trust your government” can be funny.

3. FORGET NIHILISM – RADICALLY ACCEPT THE MOMENT. In shocking times, our brains shift to a self-preserving form of denial where the logic-loving prefrontal cortex can shut down. This allows the amygdala – the blaring alarm system part of the brain – to take over. Freedom from suffering requires acceptance from deep within us of ‘what is.’ Let yourself go completely with what is. Stay rooted in the moment (aka, mindfulness). Acceptance is your only way out and through. But it requires an internal commitment – not once, but over and over.

4. CRACK A (HALF) SMILE. A half-smile is slightly turned-up lips with a relaxed face – like a celebrity DUI mugshot. This tactic is proven to be effective in turning around cycles of negative moods and depressive episodes. Because emotions are a combination of thoughts, sensations, and behaviors, changing just one of these components can result in significantly altering the course of the emotion. You will instantly signal to the brain a feeling of levity despite your serial killer smirk.

5. THROW A COUNTER-PUNCH. Do not give in to what anxiety is driving you to do. Whatever it is that counters the anxiety, do it. Each time you parry your fear, you are “rewiring” your brain and weakening anxiety’s hold on you. No one overcomes anxiety who consistently avoids. When it comes to quelling Coronavirus anxiety, facing your fear is key. While avoidance may make you feel better in the short-term, it prevents you from learning that this virus is not as scary or crushing as you think.

6. WALK IT OFF. Movement facilitates a healthier mental and physical state despite whatever else is going on. No matter the existing threat, your body and immune system will be improved through exercise, allowing you to better manage anything from a pandemic to a bunion. Take it one step at a time. Drive to the gym or trail-head. Then walk away from your car, and don’t return till you’re bejeweled in the sweaty sequins of health and achievement.

7. STAY OFF ANY BOAT LARGE ENOUGH TO HOST A BUFFET OR JIMMY BUFFET. At least for now.

What you think will destroy you probably won’t. If you’re still anxious, you can print this article for toiletry.

For additional Covid-19 specific anxiety, visit THESE helpful resources from the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Coronavirus, Cancers, Caucuses, and the “Perspective” Cure…

None of it is as bad as it seems.

Q: What travels faster than the speed of light?
A: Bad news.

In a clinical study, 85% of what subjects worried about never occurred. Of the 15% that materialized, 79% of subjects discovered they could handle it well. The universe is on your side. But studies can be boring, and as Mark Twain is said to have said (he was said to have said a lot of things), “I’ve experienced many terrible things in my life, only a few of which actually happened.”

It seems that whenever I’ve experienced a hardy setback, it has occurred along with one or two other scrotal-kicks. For example, I concurrently went through my worst breakup at the same time as a 10th major shoulder surgery. I hit my low during that phase while sitting on my linoleum kitchen floor in a sling unable to tie my shoes with one hand. And, because I don’t yet wear Velcro shoes. I never felt so alone than in that moment, and I soon broke-down sobbing because I missed my ex and a practical arm.

The benefit to hitting rock bottom is that you can rebound. But, I was a medicine ball.

People often say, “bad things occur in three’s.” Bullshit. Good, bad, and neutral things occur in ones, threes, eights, and tens. There are no inevitable groupings. This is another instance where humans seek patterns – in this case quantifiable – to feel an element of control. No one suffering a divorce or layoff also wants to be scanning the vista for the other two predictable setbacks of the “bad things come in threes triad” hurtling towards them at the speed of fate.

But, so goes the wholly subversive aura of hearing bad news. It can permeate every cell in a cataclysmic upheaval of the sanities until you are reduced to basic survival with only the bleakest disposition left to guide you. It’s not uncommon to feel like you will lose everything – no matter the gravity of the situation, while what’s left won’t matter. This is why the notion of “perspective” is so crucial. Think of perspective as the measuring stick by which everything in your life is gauged, and whereby you determine the relativeness of anything against the ‘grand scheme’ of things.

Illustrations by Peter L. Brown

Receiving bad news is always an unsettling event. But, is it getting caressed by your cellie while wrongly incarcerated for car masturbating in a school zone crappy? Of course not. Therein lies the indispensable potency of perspective.

There’s no disputing that a negative outcome sucks. But, measured against an episode of “Live PD” it often feels somewhat paltry. Just keep it appropriately stack-ranked against the litany of potentialities.

We tend to lose all perspective when life gets tough. Don’t give it anymore mojo than it already warrants by promoting it higher on the Wong Baker face pain scale, where “0” is getting dumped by a vegan at your BBQ, and “10” is seeing your spouse on an STD dating site, where s/he adds the caveat of being both HPV and HSV2 positive.

That said, perspective is an acquired benchmark. We measure things against that which we know. Your particular worry or woe may be the single worst incident you’ve encountered thus far. For better or worse, I’ve had a portfolio of colorful events against which to measure. Though, most of them weren’t quite grisly or within recent enough memory to provide a backdrop of genuine appreciation. There’s a statute of limitations on misery and perspective. Thankfully, I had cancer surgery not long ago, followed by regular chemo via catheter to keep me grounded in what truly matters.

This all followed the insight that something was egregiously wrong with me, while staunchly refusing medical testing. It takes copious amounts of denial to discount such an obvious ailment. For an anxious guy, I impressed myself with my ability to deny at such unprecedented levels.

Even though it was an obviously serious malady, I tried to will it away. I told myself it was probably a UTI, cystitis, kidney stones, or one of those asshole Amazonian Candiru fish that swim-up the penis and loiter in the cheap seats. *Though, the diabolical, urea-loving nature of this pest has since been debunked. Nevertheless, I continued to live life in denial as I was peeing out pieces of my insides. I implemented some self-triage in the form of cranberry juice, saw palmetto, and urinary probiotics, hoping I could homeopathically remedy whatever ailed me – unless it was indeed the jilted Candiru. Or, cancer.

As a gender, men avoid most timely medical care. It’s actually a large part of why men die much younger than women.

When I was initially diagnosed, I went through a two week period where I was livid at the unfairness of it all. I had never been a smoker, and I did four hours of hard cardio per week and daily veggie shakes. Meanwhile, people like my own brother shirk all forms of exercise, smoke a pack of Marlboro 100s per day, drink Winston Churchill-levels of whiskey, and eat charred meats.

But, that’s how life plays out. There are thousands of infants who unfairly suffer the consequences of leukemia and terminal illnesses. And, they haven’t been around long enough to chalk-up any bad karma. Life isn’t fair for any of us – which is why it’s fair for all of us. On the upside, I gained much needed, lifelong gratitude and perspective.

The media loves to trigger us. The Coronavirus coverage is their latest attempt to instill fear, anxiety, and panic into our psyches. But, like most other triggers, it lacks perspective. Consider, for example, that in the 2019-2020 season so far, at least 19 million people in the US have gotten the flu and 10,000 people have died from it – including at least 68 children (source: CDC). This is the virus we should be trying to avoid. No contagion spreads like fear. And, the media spreads it like butter so they can sell more ads and anti-anxiety pill commercials. Keeping us anxious is right where they want us.

What you think is going to kill you probably won’t. Whatever will, isn’t even on your radar.

That’s not an invite to immediately determine the source of your future demise. It’s a call to live your life fully. In the now.

Breaking-Up Badly: 11 Tips to Avoid Self-Imploding Following A Breakup

“I’m sorry I annoyed you with my unconditional love.”

The early phase of a breakup is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep and an indifference to personal hygiene, all peppered with moments of irrationality.

The exhausted brain loops re-enactments of the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre relationship forensics. You painstakingly dissect past conversations, events and nuances of the bond while cerebrally clawing towards a personal salvage strategy.

You become a pariah to friends and family who look upon you with pursed lips of empathy, while avoiding sustained eye contact or dialogue at the risk of triggering an emotional flare. People make tired comments like, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” “You’re better off,” or “How long were you together?” so they can quickly determine if the number justifies your level of distress.

How long will the pain last? What is considered acceptable by friends … or society? Is the recovery period half the time you were together? No. There is no mystical breakup algorithm to yield your fixed emotional penance. It takes what it takes. And for everyone this is different. Everything you need to heal is already within you. Therein lies your freedom.

The pain of rejection is exacerbated by how we view and treat ourselves after it occurs. But rejection also causes physiological pain with an evolutionary purpose. Back in early times, being rejected by your people meant lone survival and imminent death. Now we have Netflix and DoorDash, and being alone for a period is an underutilized indulgence that too few learn to sit with and relish. Once we do, we glean how truly self-sufficient we are.

But, what does the research say?

Studies suggest that women experience more emotional anguish in the aftermath of a breakup, but it takes men longer to recover. A woman deals with a breakup head-on. By the time a woman is on the backside of a breakup, her ex-boyfriend is just coming to terms with what went down.

And contrary to widely held beliefs, closure is not necessary. Countless people never gain closure yet still move forward and heal. When we are broken-up with, our ability to reconcile who we are is upheaved. But you’re still in there … somewhere. You are whole. And you are grand. Despite what you might be thinking, you never need to know why your ex did anything they did. Your ex was never the reason you thrived.

Soulmate is what Satan puts in his coffee.

From an evolutionary perspective, if we were meant to be with only one person on Earth, society would collapse. You did not lose your soulmate. You can look for one of your other soulmates later. For now, any search for external breakup remedies and relief is rooted in a desire to short-circuit the recovery process. If evolution didn’t insert some physiological checks and balances in the form of heartache, we’d hook-up with the next thing in an Armani suit or Lululemon’s.

For those lacking breakup survival skills, the symptoms and manifestations associated with a breakup are measurably more self-defeating. So, here are some proven tactics to hasten your heal:

1. Don’t press “rewind” when you should hit “delete.”

Do not sleep with him/her one more time in the hope it will usher you back to better times. Delete your ex’s number from your phone — even if you have it memorized. Of all the things we lose during a breakup, keeping the locus of control is the most important and often ignored. The easiest way to control your current moods and keep your power is to not contact your ex.

2. Therapist? You mean bartender?

A breakup can lead to depression, isolation, self-accusation, or worse. You don’t always need to make grief clinical, but it’s imperative to know when to seek outside professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning — including sleep.

3. Only the strong forgive.

Forgiveness is simply giving up the hope for a different past. They may not deserve your forgiveness; but you deserve peace. It’s about letting go of the outcome, rather than condoning any actions by someone whom inflicted the pain. Forgiveness takes only one person: You.

4. The power of three gratitudes.

Not only does gratitude increase how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly deprives the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so badly. There is omnipotence in gratitude. Focus on three gratitudes daily, no matter how small.

5. Exorcise all relationship mementos.

Emails, toothbrushes, photos, texts, his Apple Watch, etc. and change all venues you frequented together, such as bars, cafes, Urban Outfitters, etc. You could use the change of scenery, while avoiding needless reminders of his love for salmon shorts and craft brews.

6. The quickest way over one is not under another.

Rebounding is a brief distractor that invariably turns into sound-boarding your ex’s name and shortcomings onto some naked app prey beside this woeful version of you. A rebound won’t help you with healthy, long-term objectives. What will? Work with being solo for a bit to achieve self-improvement, reflection, and a righteous comeback.

7. But, veggies taste like dirt and sadness.

To counter the melancholic feelings inherent to any breakup, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, exercise, and eat right. Wean off the Pinot Gris and cookie dough and get some nutrients. Studies have shown that foods can directly influence the brain’s neurotransmitter systems that are related to mood. (Hopf, 2010).

8. Better than an FWB is a BuB.

“He’s only ignoring my texts because I haven’t sent enough.” Utilize the exceptionally helpful camaraderie of a Breakup Buddy (BuB) to remediate poor decisions when reacting from emotions. These are dangerous moments of relapse; hence, the importance of someone who will think for you until logic is reengaged. Refer to them often.

9. Tweak small behaviors to dramatically shift moods.

If you change small post-breakup behaviors, it will change your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is paramount in helping you to feel less anxious, worried, depressed, or experiencing an intolerance of uncertainty following a split. For example, if you do the opposite of what your emotions are driving you to do — such as checking-out their social media or driving by their residence — your anxiety, worry, and pain will subside.

10. “Cowabunga, dude(tte)!”

Ride those thought waves. The technique of urge-surfing involves riding an emotional wave and not responding to any part of it, but letting it swell and then wane. This is an extremely helpful tactic to use in dealing with the impulsivity associated with a breakup, because you are observing your emotions, rather than acting on them. And this prevents regretful actions.

11. Cuddle the friendliest ghost of all.

“Just gonna send him a message … Aaaaaaaannnnnd I’m blocked.” Going ghost is one of the most sagacious devices for self-preservation. Most breakup sufferers greatly add to their angst by not following this one, basic tenet. If you’re going to be friends with your ex, it’ll happen organically and only when you’re long over them. If you must see your ex, keep it cool and make it fast. Otherwise, ignore them so hard they doubt their own existence.

“Frankie says, relapse.”

A final note: Breakup recovery isn’t linear, but more a game of Chutes ‘n Ladders. Reverting and plateauing are common throughout the entire process. Healing is rarely direct in movement, but setbacks are temporary and short-term. You may feel stuck at the same level of muck for two weeks, only to suddenly leap forward in your progress out of nowhere. Your adherence to tactics such as the aforementioned will accelerate your imminent return to baller status.

10 Ways to Support a Loved One with Cancer. From a Son In Remission … with a Mom in Remission.

I currently share the mixed blessing of being in cancer remission with my mom. It’s not genetic; I’m adopted.

I’m remarkably grateful to be in remission with her; but uncertain how as a former athlete I succumbed to a smoker’s cancer diagnosis on my actual birthday. Or, far worse, how my mom was hit with a rare stage IV breast cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I would take her illness on if that were ever an option in my regular fantasy where Hollywood or some omnipotent entity granted me the power to switch maladies.

Being in this unenvied position, I’ve learned that the only thing worse than your own pain is helplessly watching a loved one suffer. The first being mostly physical; the latter crushingly emotional. Yet it does not stop me from trying to will health or strength upon her.

A major stressor faced by many people in their lifetime is a cancer diagnosis. Sadly, cancer patients too commonly cite instances of people they know who never communicated emotional support regarding their illness. While studies show that people do better emotionally in a crisis when they have strong support from family members and friends. However, if one of your friends or loved ones has been diagnosed with cancer you might not know what to say or do to help.

According to a recent study by Katharine J. Head of the Department of Communication Studies at Indiana University-Purdue University “Although adult cancer survivors and their families face unique psychosocial and health-related challenges related to cancer, little is known about how the illness experience of cancer may positively transform their mental, physical, and social well-being following primary treatment.”

Cancer has a way of quickly re-prioritizing life, while teaching a valuable lesson in perspective not otherwise gleaned.

My cancer diagnosis served as the perfect opportunity to “clean house” regarding friends, work, and how I spent my time. Suddenly, I was face-to-face with the regret of how I had been spending my life thus far, and with whom. I quickly removed shallow friends, a girlfriend who drank too much, and even a few family members from my sphere of influence. And, I never looked back.

Actions to support someone recently diagnosed with cancer:

**1. Listen and give advice only when asked.**

We all want to ease the pain of those we care about. But, dispensing unsolicited advice is one of the worst things to do to those newly diagnosed with cancer. One of the best things you can do, however, is to offer the gift of listening with empathy. Exclaiming to someone that frankincense, CBD, or turmeric can cure their cancer deserves a punch to the larynx. Just don’t.

2. Support their cancer treatment decision.

We cannot impose our will on others, even in instances of record-level relevancy or as a shared decision-maker. The choice rests with the patient. And, if your loved one asks you to contact medical providers, be sure you have written consent. Privacy laws prohibit health professionals from speaking to relatives – including parents or adult children – without the patient’s permission. As I’ve learned firsthand, you can’t ‘parent your parents.’

3. Be present.

Even in silence, the mere presence of someone we care for during a difficult time has immediate and lasting benefits. Sit with your loved one during treatment or have lunch with them afterward. Even better if it falls within the oncologist’s dietary recommendations. Your loved one may love sugar – but so do cancer cells.

4. Learn about the cancer and specific treatment plan.

Cancer Care and other reputable organizations offer educational information and websites regarding cancer, respective treatments, and side effects. Be cautious of your sources or how much you read, however. It’s common to get overwhelmed and frantic – especially regarding prognosis percentages that are overgeneralized and unspecific to your loved one’s case. Internet research is an activity best kept in moderation.

5. Consider the caregiver.

Caregiver burnout and fatigue is a real thing. No matter the relation, this is an often-overlooked premise. Cancer caregivers take on many tasks, often including those formerly held by the recently diagnosed. The caregiver needs care too. Sometimes you need to call on backup in the form of additional family or friends. You can review and receive help at Cancer Caregivers, caregiver resources at the American Cancer Society, or from the National Cancer Institute caregiver support page.

6. Be steadfast.

Those with cancer often experience a discernible drop-off in support from friends and family after the initial diagnosis. Cancer is a long-term disease followed by a longer remission period. It requires more from supporters than a gratuitous slap on the back and “You’ll kick this, buddy!” flaccid approach. This ain’t the Flu. Prepare accordingly.

7. Keep the status quo.

For many people, being able to maintain life pre-cancer diagnosis can boost their sense of mastery over the illness and lessen the life-impact of the disease. Cancer is a silent narcissist best kept small.

8. Don’t be detached if you are long-distance.

Never underestimate the emotional support that comes from regular phone calls or texts. Since you might be too far to prepare food and bring it yourself, perhaps arrange to have meals delivered from a local restaurant or reputable and healthy meal service like Freshly or Hello Fresh. Or, consider ordering groceries online from a local supermarket that delivers. Use vacation time or a holiday weekend and visit with the ill person doing something enjoyable. For them.

9. If you have the means, offer financial assistance.

Cancer can strain finances to the point of financial ruin, and many people are too proud or ashamed to ask for monetary assistance. If you think it’s needed and are able to offer, raise the subject respectfully. Cancer is a selfish money pit. The Cancer Financial Assistance Coalition, Cancer Care, or the resources page via the American Cancer Society can also be of considerable help.

10. Pray.

I don’t care who you call your higher-power, this is the time to send some knee-mails. I regularly lean on prayer, daily gratitude’s, and striving to stay rooted in the moment. Helpful tactics I would not have learned sans cancer.

There is no education like struggle. Suffering is a conduit to empathy and awareness. Adversity yields purpose and refinement in life that can only come from life trials.

There is always an upside or takeaway to every hardship, though it often takes time and distance to source it. In my instance, I am much closer to my parents through our shared experience caring for mom. Adversity also gave me the incentive to leave a dead-end job and relegate my only toxic sibling to the “acquaintance” pool. Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge.

Hug your family and your hardships. They’re trying to tell you something.

How do You Know if You’re Depressed or Just Sad?

You might think you’re feeling lazy or unmotivated, but here are the signs that it’s something more serious

Is your two-day, Netflix binge of “Black Mirror” and “Stranger Things” a bout of laziness and apathy, a case of “the melancholies,” or … clinical depression?

Maybe you think you’re depressed, or you’re just using depression as an excuse to be lethargic – only to realize this itself might be a symptom of depression. It’s tough trying to figure-out your head with your own mind, right?

The brain is an organ that can malfunction like any organ. Mental illnesses are illnesses of that organ.

Brain scans show that there is a physical difference between a healthy brain and a sick brain. Telling someone with depression, “You don’t have an issue, it’s all in your head” is as inane as telling someone with diabetes, “You don’t have an issue, it’s all in your pancreas.” Any organ is susceptible to disease or disorder.

When you’re feeling down, it’s imperative to distinguish feelings of sadness versus depression because confusion can lead you to avoid evaluation and treatment of a serious condition. Alternatively, you might overreact to a normal emotional state of sadness.

“And, here’s why the distinction is crucial: If we (or a loved one) are depressed, it has huge implications for our long-term mental health, physical health, and longevity,” says NYC Psychologist and author Dr. Guy Winch. Sadness and apathy are normal emotions. “Sadness is usually triggered by a difficult, hurtful, challenging, or disappointing event, experience, or situation,” says Winch. This also means that when something shifts, or we’ve gotten over the hurt or event, the sadness also wanes.

“Whereas depression is an abnormal emotional state; a mental illness that affects our thinking, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors in pervasive and chronic ways,” says Winch. Depression can occur in absence of any of the triggers that cause sadness. Sadness is about something and depression is about … nothing.

Criteria for Depression

Depression is classified into different types using a book with diagnostic criteria for mental health disorders. Now in its fifth edition, the book is called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders. But, everyone just calls it the DSM-5. Think of it as the owner’s manual for the brain but – like an iPhone user guide – you must make an appointment with an accredited genius to see one.

The DSM-5 outlines the following criterion to make a diagnosis of depression.

Note: These serve only as a guideline. You need to see a mental health professional for a conclusive diagnosis. The individual must be experiencing five or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period, and at least one of the symptoms should be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.
Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).
Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

To receive a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms must cause the individual clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms must also not be a result of substance abuse or another medical condition. Afterall, a bottomless mimosa brunch or afternoon of beers is enough to spur a days-long depressive spell, as booze and other substances are known depressants.

Anxiety and depression disorders are often interlinked.

“It’s very hard to find patients who are depressed who don’t also have anxiety. It’s equally hard to find people with anxiety that don’t have some depression,” says Charles Goodstein, MD, a professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine. So, don’t berate yourself if you’re feeling anxiety on top of everything else. It’s more likely than not to occur. And though signs of depression, anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder have similarities, each requires different treatments right down to the therapy and medications used. This is why a professional diagnosis is so important to obtain the correct treatment regimen.

A Quick Lesson in Sourcing the “Why” in Your Life…

One of the most poignant examples of suffering and sadness is the story of Viktor Frankl, a physician and psychiatrist who survived four Nazi concentration and death camps, including the infamous Auschwitz. Frankl epitomized the words of Nietzsche: “He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How.” As a prisoner, Frankl kept himself and his hopes alive by a desire to see his wife again and one day teach about man’s quest for meaning.

Sadly, Frankl’s parents, brother, and pregnant wife were killed; but he was able to cope, source the importance of it all, and move forward with a renewed life purpose to include writing one of the most moving and significant books of our time, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl teaches us that “if there is a meaning in life at all, there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an eradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.”

We all face the opportunity to achieve something through our own suffering. Our unique opportunity lies in the way we bear our burden, and in our attitude toward difficulty while pondering our meaning. Make no mistake; you have a decisive and purposeful meaning in this world. For many of us – myself included – it takes suffering and hardship to find it.

We are supposed to feel like we can’t handle things alone sometimes. That’s when we find the grace or help through others. In times when life becomes unmanageable, we must be willing to ask for help and support one another. It’s by design. We can be with one another amid suffering, helping each other bear the weight. Part of life is the realization that sometimes we can’t make it on our own. For some, a spiritual leader is a person to whom you can turn and say, “I have a burden that I cannot bear.” All it takes is walking into a local church, mosque, synagogue, or temple and asking for help.

Live to the point of tears. -Albert Camus

Conquering Teen Anxiety

In this excerpt from “101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety,” learn the difference between “normal” anxious feelings and those that interfere with daily life

Am I Losing My Mind, or Is This That Anxiety Thing?

Anxiety can make you feel different. As a teen, I never knew why no one else seemed to struggle with life the way I did. And it wouldn’t have mattered what diagnosis or label was put on me because it would not have changed how I felt. Sadly, teenagers can let anxiety steer them through most life decisions. Left untethered, anxiety will drive every choice and action you take.

So how do you know if you’re experiencing anxiety or something more insidious with a Latin name in the Physician’s Desk Reference? The type of anxiety we address in this book is not the healthy, normal varietal that prompts you to get important stuff done, like studying for an exam or running from prom date requests. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Severe anxiety that lasts at least six months is generally considered to be a problem that might benefit from evaluation and treatment.”

Rather than motivating you to act and get things done, anxiety at this level interferes with daily living, activities, and relationships.

The Accoutrement of Depression

Like a salad bar and sneeze guard go together, anxiety and depression disorders are often interlinked. So, don’t berate yourself if you’re feeling depressed on top of everything else. It’s more likely than not to occur. And though signs of depression, anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder have similarities, each requires different treatments right down to medications used. This is why a professional diagnosis is so important in order to obtain the correct treatment regimen. Having anxiety doesn’t have the social stigma it once did. It just means you’re really living.

But, there is a little-known dichotomy about anxiety that makes seeking treatment difficult: When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. Anxiety is a narcissist that wants you to focus on … anxiety. Anxiety will cloud your mind and fill your consciousness with a perverse volume of thoughts, noise, feelings, and stressors that have no validity. Next thing you know, you’re not turning in homework on time, missing chores, and arriving late to work or practice, and everyone’s wondering why you can’t get your act or matching socks together. If they saw the thought carnival in your mind, they’d surely understand.

No medication will cure anxiety. Medication treats the symptoms of anxiety.

Every case of anxiety is unique. Unfortunately, many anxiety sufferers use prescription medication when therapy, exercise, or self-help strategies such as those taught here would work just as well – if not better – because they are actual skills with no side effects. Therapy and skills usage include development of the necessary tools to beat anxiety.

The goal we’d like you to adopt from this book is not to remove anxiety, but to bring it down to more manageable levels. That means working with it directly, in a nonjudgmental way, and not avoiding it or thinking it’s bad or weak that you feel this way. We’ll talk specifically about how to do this in the book.

For more on 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety click here.

Why Breakups are Harder Than They Used to Be – Healing the Modern Day Hurt

14 ways to heal your heart in the online era

Why do breakups have to hurt so badly? If we all ran amok and naked-cuddled with those we liked with no consequences, like an episode of Bachelor in Paradise, the world would spin off its axis. There must be some societal checks ‘n balances. Evolutionary biologists conclude that post breakup pain and reflection is required for us to learn from loss. The agony following a breakup is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties.

Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. Think of it as a safety mechanism to protect us from our own wanton desires.

Develop some empathy and realistic expectations for your breakup recovery. The only way over it, is through it. But, unchecked emotions can lead to despondency and a sense of hopelessness. Feelings of self-blame and even thoughts of self-harm or suicide are not uncommon. Consequently, it is vital to consider professional help. Every person and split are different. We may have handled a prior breakup just fine, while the next one has us clutching our chest and making deals with God.

Breakup and divorce recovery were less grueling when the world was offline. Before social media, breaking-up was a discrete event. A split used to occur when phones were dumb and tethered to a fixed wall. Imagine a time when you answered every call hoping it was your ex calling to make-up, but it was Aunt Edna asking if you wanted ambrosia salad for Sunday brunch.

Now more than ever, we have commoditized ourselves, and have made dating transactional.

Today, a breakup can go down via text sans any emotion or actual interaction. Even worse, they can take the form of a social media post, thereby becoming a spectator affair rife with the trimmings of public comments, crying emojis, and indiscriminate shares, all forever memorialized in the cloud.

For some modern day breakupees, the outing of their emotions publicly online is a frantic form of catharsis. They post colorful block quotes of how independent they are, while deluging us with selfies donning new clothes, bangs, spray tans, sports cars, or posing with any attractive being of the opposite sex, or worse – a flexing gym selfie.

How to Heal Your Breakup Heart Hurt in the Online Era:

The following are techniques to greatly accelerate your rise from cupid’s neglect:

1. Social media is neither social nor media.

If you post over-the-top or sexy pictures as evidence of your thrilling new life, you are only showing how much you still care. Breaking up with someone includes breaking up with his or her social media. If you skip this fundamental step, you might as well slip on camouflage, squat in the bushes, and ogle through their windows.

2. Alcohol give you bummer-brain.

Alcohol is a depressant that impairs judgment. One does not need a root causal-analysis to see the results that sad-drinking can yield. Alcohol whispers silly things like, “You should totally text him.” Any amount you drink can make you more miserable. It also leads to bad decisions like cereal for dinner, and impulsivity like buying something from the Tiffany’s website or your local Lexus dealership.

3. Do nothing.

Any moment that you want to reach out or take an action that is anything about your ex or trying to get them back – do nothing. Doing nothing ensures that you have nothing to regret. You can’t go wrong if you avoid any action that gets you reengaged with your ex. It’s the smallest tactic with the biggest return. Your panic and desperation to get them back in your life is a crushing desire that lessens each time you don’t try.

4. No ex-sex.

There are endless reasons sexual reunions with your ex are inadvisable. Go on a ‘love fast’ for 30 days to begin dissolving the neurological processes your brain has formed. In a study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that people who use sex to cope with breakup anger and distress, or to get back at their ex may be slower to recover from the breakup.

5. Be “opposite” you.

In the case of a breakup or divorce, the primary “opposite you” is to ‘go ghost.’ If you and your ex have children together, then you will unavoidably need to discuss issues such as welfare and access. However, it is best to keep these interactions to a minimum, and at a McDonald’s Playland just off the freeway. Otherwise, continuing to see your ex prevents you from moving on with your life. It also exposes you to extreme distress and hinders your emotional recovery and an increased longing for reconciliation.

6. Never use one to get over another.

Rebound relationships are a great way to boost your ego at the expense of someone else’s well-being. Rebound dating is not. If you are hurting, you should be healing, not dating. Reconnect with old friends. They’ll remind you of how epic you were prior to your ex falling from the internet into your arms. A rebound simply postpones healing in a cerebral purgatory.

7. Radically accept.

When faced with a breakup, rather than focusing on how much you want things to be different, try radically accepting the situation as is. Radical acceptance is not the same as liking or condoning. It’s simply accepting what is out of your control to lessen anxiety, anger, and sorrow. Controlling your reaction to what is happening is the only thing over which you have control. In life, you can let go or you can be towed.

8. Be DTF (Down-to-Forgive)

Practice some breakup Alzheimer’s. You’ve been forgiven in life, so pay it forward. And, if you believe you were at fault, forgive yourself not just once, but again and again until you feel peace. Once you accept your flaws and mistakes, no one can use them against you. Truth is, most of us are doing the best we can with the skills we have at any given moment.

9. Soothe thyself.

The goal of breakup self-soothing is to engage as many of the five senses as possible. Consider taking a hike by water or in nature, while paying close attention to the sights, smells, and sounds around you. Or, get a massage somewhere that’s not open 24 hours with blacked-out windows. Go out for a meal or just dessert with a friend if possible. Even when you don’t feel like eating, food goes down much easier under the distraction of conversation.

10. Send a knee-mail.

I don’t care if you are Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Jewish, or questioning if there’s a God – negotiating a breakup is the perfect time to spend in prayer. Every moment that you are centered in the past or future, you suffer a temporary loss of this life. Prayer keeps you rooted in the now. Add mindfulness meditation training via a meditation phone app or YouTube. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develops, and you become a master of chill.

11. Heartache? Do some comeback cardio.

Any type of exercise or vigorous activity is an effective means to burn-off the breakup flotsam in your bloodstream. Exercise will cause your muscles to create lactic acid to help counter the change in ph resulting from anxious breathing. Don’t overdo it. If you weren’t an American Ninja Warrior contestant prior, you don’t need to be one now. But you do need to spend time outdoors, get regular sleep, eat right, and move.

12. Designate a BuB (Breakup Buddy).

The breakup recovery process is fraught with pitfalls and regression. It’s counter-intuitive to feel worse while supposedly on the track to healing. One minute might pass where you don’t think of your ex at all. The next you’re chewing-off your bestie’s arm to retrieve your phone and send an ill-advised text. These are dangerous moments of relapse, hence the importance of a “breakup buddy” (aka, BuB). Choose someone empathetic and able to handle the mood swings and random lunacy you will fire at them.

13. Take the write way.

“Dear, Diary, Today everything sucked…” Research has shown that breakup journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively, and even improve your health by strengthening immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Eventually, you will start to see that you’re a damned rainbow, and your ex was colorblind.

14. Don’t get kick in the nostalgias.

Nostalgia has a utopian aspect due to the substantial role that imagination plays in it. When reminiscing previous romantic love, past difficulties are often overlooked due to idealization of your ex and the time together. The image in your head that the past looks so perfect is a mirage created by nostalgia. The past holds nothing for you now. Stop looking there.

Constantly thinking about and ruminating on your ex are due to deep sensory memories and an emotional response separate from any truth or reality that you need to be with them. The intensity of these feelings and memories will fade, and your love of other things and people will take over. What you’re reacting to is change and missing the idea of a best pal to chum around with. Distract, stay in the moment, and breathe.

And, don’t worry about your future – it will present itself in all its unexpected glory later, and likely the opposite of whatever you worry it will be.

10 Ways to End a Toxic Relationship (as featured in Prevention Magazine)

Here’s how to say “goodbye to all that” for good.

If you or somebody you know needs help for emotional or physical abuse, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit www.thehotline.org.

A common mistake many of us make is letting people stick around far longer than they deserve. Toxic people would rather stop speaking to you than apologize when they’re wrong. They do not thank you, compliment you, listen to you, or give you credit. Whether a friend, partner, colleague, or family member, toxic people feel entitled to be disrespectful.

“There are many types of toxic relationships such as a controlling or manipulative, negative, self-centered or narcissistic, dishonest, insecure, abusive, blaming or demanding and competitive, and secretive, and dramatic,” says Catherine Jackson, a licensed clinical psychologist and neurotherapist based in Chicago. Understanding what type of toxic relationship you’re in can help you end it in the best way.

1. Recognize that you’re in a toxic relationship.

Fran Walfish, PsyD, a psychotherapist based in Beverly Hills, offers the following nine subtle signs of a toxic relationship:

They exhibit excessively charming and ingratiating behavior.
They use the silent treatment as a means of control.
They force you to mind-read and guess, then act vindictive when you are wrong.
They use “poison delegation” (asking you to do something for them, saying they can’t do it for themselves, but whatever you do is met with harsh criticism).
They constantly correct you.
They lie to you.
They use “projective identification” (the abuser treats you as if you did something wrong, and if you deny it, they confirm your behavior as justification for the accusation).
They use sexual manipulation.
They use denial to convince you their actions are to help you become a better person.

It is common to be in a toxic relationship without even being aware that the relationship is toxic. “In a toxic marriage or romantic relationship, people are often told that the reason their partner is so angry, upset, unloving, or abusive toward them is because of something they did to cause it,” says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, a psychologist based in Denver. It’s similar within a toxic work environment, where your boss will imply or outright state, The reason we are treating you this way is because you are not doing a good enough job. Regarding toxic romantic relationships, a key indicator is the marked difference between how your partner speaks to you in public versus private.

2. Look for patterns from childhood.

The type of toxic relationship that most concerns Carissa Coulston, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Sydney, is the parental bond from childhood that repeats in adulthood. “The effects of your childhood upbringing extend into adult relationships, where you find lovers who fill the void your parents created,” she says. “Maybe, like your parents, they never make you the number one priority, or always leave you feeling like you need to work harder to gain approval.” But, it’s not necessary to return to your parents for approval or reconciliation. “By releasing the past, it is possible for you to alter the way you look at potential partners in a way that enables you to achieve romantic success with a person who empowers you,” says Dr. Coulston.

3. Prepare your finances.

“Many relationships that are toxic, including with family, remain toxic because of financial control,” says Mary Joye, LMHC, a psychotherapist and counselor based in Florida. “Family members have less control over those who have their own independence financially and in all aspects of their life.” So, if that means you have to spend a couple months or even a year getting your financials in shape before cutting off contact, put your initial energy toward achieving that goal.

4. Seek outside help.

“It often takes an outside perspective of a therapist, coach, or insightful friend to help someone understand that they are not actually at fault,” says Dr. Bobby. If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship, the best thing you can do is to find healthy, supportive relationships with other people to help strengthen you, shift away from blaming yourself, and help you start planning your escape strategy.” This premise is reinforced by Dr. Coulston, who emphasizes that, “an appropriate professional, such as a clinical psychologist, can help you learn how to challenge and re-shape your unhealthy core beliefs.”

5. Speak up for yourself.

Many of us ignore adverse behaviors simply to avoid confrontation, or because using reason and rationale with someone irrational can prove futile. Speak up confidently and say that you do not condone the disrespect directed toward you—particularly in instances of verbal abuse or physical abuse. In such situations, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author based in California, recommends using a quick comment and an exit from the situation such as: “I feel hurt when you swear at me. I’m leaving the party now and hope that next time you will talk kindly to me.” Dr. Manly adds, “We can’t change the toxic people into non-toxic people, but we can work on being less reactive.”

6. Create boundaries, and stick to them.

Setting boundaries isn’t rude—it’s an act of self-care. “Most toxic people derive their influence because they prey on the difficulty that kind people have in setting boundaries,” says Forrest Talley, PhD, at Invictus Psychological Services. To start, Sherianna Boyle, MEd CAGS, an adjunct professor of psychology at Cape Cod Community College, recommends putting verbal limits in place. “For example, rather than allow a person to extensively vent their problems or opinions while you attempt to work, let them know you are not available right now.” And no, family isn’t an exception. “Never assume that just because someone is family they are allowed to mistreat you,” says Karin R. Lawson PsyD, a psychologist based in Miami. “All relationships need boundaries, which is the line you get to draw in each relationship you have.”

7. Do a digital detox.

You’ll need to manage your social media relationship with the person, too. We often fear unfriending or blocking toxic people on social media because of potential backlash. But sometimes, that’s what it takes. “You may want to make a clean break by quickly stating things are over and removing them from your social media and having no further contact with them,” says Dr. Jackson. If you’re not ready to remove someone from social media completely, you still have privacy options such as unfollowing or muting, and they never have to know.

Setting boundaries isn’t rude. It’s an act of self-care.

8. Prepare for the counterstrike.

When it’s clear to a toxic person that you’re distancing yourself from them or cutting off the relationship, they may try to “punish” you by avoidance, or they will redouble their efforts to keep the dynamic going. But you have to stick to your guns. “If you deviate from this role of the patient, boundary-less being that the toxic subject needs you to be (aka, you have needs, rights, feelings, boundaries or opinions that are not gratifying to the toxic person) you are punished,” says Dr. Bobby. Stay resolute in plans to extricate yourself.

9. If you can’t break ties, limit contact.

There are circumstances that require people to remain connected to a toxic person, like toxic coworkers, a narcissistic boss, or sharing custody of children with a toxic ex. Or, “they may choose to remain married to a toxic spouse in order to protect their children from having to endure the toxic relationship alone were they to split custody,” says Dr. Bobby. In such cases, it’s best to minimize the toxic person’s access to you and their ability to affect you. She adds that, “understanding that you will never feel loved or supported by them and that they are not emotionally safe people (and never will be) can be liberating in that you stop feeling upset or hurt when they behave the way they do.”

10. Try the Gray Rock Method.

“If you have to be around the abuser, try to stay neutral and unemotional,” says Christine Scott-Hudson, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in California. “Abusers thrive on intensity, so making yourself as boring and uninteresting as possible can be a protective measure.” Nadene van der Linden, a clinical psychologist based in Australia, calls this response the Gray Rock Method. The idea is that you keep your head down and blend into your setting—like a gray rock. The toxic person will move on to someone else to get what they need instead.

JON PATRICK HATCHER is the creator and co-author of 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety and the forthcoming In Case of Anxiety… Anxiety Hacks for a Janky World.