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The Relationship Between Anxiety and Grief

It’s no surprise that levels of anxiety are surging right now. Repeated waves of COVID-19, and the lockdowns they bring in their wake, make this an incredibly difficult time for our mental health. There are many contributing factors to anxiety – with our lifestyle, environment, genetics, and even hormonal imbalances all having their part to play.

What’s not always acknowledged for its role in anxiety, however, is grief.

Discussions about grief tend to focus on the feelings of sadness, loss and desolation that can follow the death of a loved one. What they rarely touch upon is how anxiety and grief are intrinsically bound up with one another. Even someone who has previously enjoyed low-levels of anxiety can be hit with a sudden unexpected tsunami of worry as they come to terms with their loss. In fact, many grief counsellors suggest that anxiety should be included as one of the stages of grief that we all have to go through.

Why do anxiety and grief so often go hand in hand? There are many reasons behind this, of course, and it’s impossible to cover them all, but the following points are some of the most important.

Bereavement is the most stressful event we will ever experience. Anxiety is exacerbated by stressful life events. These can be any number of things, with both marriage and divorce scoring highly as a potential stressor. Beating them all on the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory is the death of a spouse, with the death of a close family member a little further behind.

The death of a loved one reminds us that we are mortal. When we lose someone we love, we’re reminded just how little control we have over our lives. We’re all going to die at some point, and this realisation hits particularly hard after our first significant bereavement. How we come to terms with the fact of our own mortality will play a key role in the future quality of our lives.

Credit: Sandy Millar

We fear more loss. As well as bringing our own mortality into focus, grief reminds us that we may lose other people who are close to us. If we lose one parent, we may then be excessively anxious about losing the other. Intense anxiety may make it difficult to enjoy what time we have left with those we love.

Trauma teaches us to be anxious. Traumatic events can lead to what’s known as classical conditioning. If the news of our loved one’s death came in a phone call, then every time the phone rings we may fear the worst.

We may be anxious about our ability to cope. How will we manage without our loved one? We may fear that we won’t be able to take care of the practical and emotional challenges that we may face now that we’re on our own. In a particularly challenging year like 2020, these worries become even more pressing.

Credit: Thomas Bormans

You fear the intensity of emotions that grief can bring. Grief is a deeply unpleasant state to be in, and it can be overwhelming. Going through it, however, is vital if we’re to move forward in life. Many people, particularly if it’s their first experience of grief, work hard to push it away and move on. This creates anxiety around their own emotional responses.

You begin to overestimate the risk of negative life events. Before a significant loss, you might have had a generally benevolent view of life. Bereavement, particularly when you’ve lost someone who was relatively young or who died in tragic circumstances, can radically unsettle that world view. You may now overcompensate by overestimating the risk of accidents, serious illness or early death, leading to increased levels of anxiety.

Grief, whenever it comes, is a complex and, to a degree, mysterious state. It’s unavoidable for most of us, and how we respond to it can determine the future course of our lives as the pain starts to heal. Understanding the role our anxiety plays can be a valuable part of the grieving process. It can help us to accept, then begin to move through the painful emotions we are experiencing.

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS! (First Time Ever)

Have you ever wanted to use a taser on your own leg? Or, name your baby “Apple,” or another crispy fruit? Or, get published to State of Anxiety?

Well, your anxious, wayward dinghy has come in.

For the first time ever, we’re interested in reppin’ and showcasing other voices.

**(1) Are we lazy? (2) Guilt-ridden for years of ignoring unsolicited submission requests? (3) Or, do we want to incubate rising literary stars?**

Does it matter?! You get to flex your creative angst here. And, we’re the poster ~~child~~ site for dysfunction. So, if not here, where? It’s rhetorical. There is no better forum young/old, anxious Fitzgerald.

(**Also, hint: It’s #1, #2, and #3 above.)

Send your best 3 – 5 pitches (with summaries) to [email protected], and you might be featured here.

Comp is bylines only. Unless you’re so good or reputable that we have to get our Accounts Payable Dept. involved.

This is for budding or established writers, and PR agencies only. Absolutely no commercial entities looking to seed backlinks to the ethersphere.

Target word count is 700 – 1,000 words. Humor is so encouraged, it’s almost mandatory. If you’re not funny, accept your fate and distract us with mind-blowing prose.

-SoA

Myths We Tell Ourselves and Others to Ease Suffering

We tell people in the throes of adversity silly things in attempts to placate their angst. We also bask ourselves in a litany of clichés during stressful times to counter emotional suffering. We post them to social media, or tape them to our fridge next to that “Live, Love, Laugh” trope and the grocery list.

It’s not that we mean to be trite – it’s that we often don’t know what else to do or say to offer support.

Classic standby platitudes include the following:

God will never give you more than you can handle.
God never actually said this. Just ask Moses or Job. But it sounds nice, while imparting just enough hope to accept that spilled $6 latte or another mass shooting.
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
Tons of stuff can make you weaker … just before killing you. Have you ever seen someone bleed out?
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
What a cute little absurdity. Excrement, sweat, and urea are weaknesses leaving the body. Pain can stick around indefinitely.
Opportunity often comes disguised as adversity.
Opportunity doesn’t think this far in advance. Maybe it’s just shy, or likes surprising us. Either way, opportunity and adversity are as discernible as love and hate, or Michael Jackson skin tones through the decades.
The Serenity Prayer.
Maybe this one helps, I don’t know. I can never remember the words.
We have nothing to fear by fear itself.
FDR married his fifth cousin … do his mantras have any credibility? Also, there are plenty of things to fear, like dating apps, light beer, or former child actors. His point is moot.
God helps those who help themselves.
I fell for this one too. Stand back, mere mortal – God doesn’t need our help.
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.
I’m a rabid fan of Robert Frost, but his death in 1963 negates this proverbial gem.

There’s a reason canned, verbal peps don’t work: They’re simply not true. Can you think of a single instance of personal suffering where you recited anything similar, and felt a change in your emotions or mindset? We aren’t The Little Engine that Could.

When my grandmother, Hazel, my mom, and I were all diagnosed with cancers within the same year, I was emotionally spent and, honestly, pissed-off at the cosmos … or whoever made-up that “God will never give you more than you can handle” puff-slogan.

The topper of that time, however, was that from all the night-grinding of my teeth from stress, I had bone loss and gum recession in my lower jaw, requiring a $2,000 gum surgery. Human cadaver forearm skin was grafted to the inside of my lower gumline, while using growth factor from my own blood to lessen the tissue rejection. This prevented me from cursing aloud at life for wronging me, as I risked the piece of dead arm flying from my mouth.

No enemy is worse than bad advice. – Sophocles

I can assure you that there were no cute motivational quips that could fix all that ailed me that year. Yet, friends would dispense asinine “pick-me-ups” while I fake smiled over gritted teeth and gums that weren’t mine.

Some of their trivial well-wishes included, “Just put one foot in front of the other;” “Tomorrow is a new day;” or “It’ll get better!” (the last person wasn’t even trying). The advice my friends gave me was as useless as the “ueue” in queue.

I knew they meant well, but had no offerings beyond the preceding hollow citations. And, I can’t blame them. I have a friend whom recently lost his mom to Covid in an ICU. I too struggled to placate his suffering with the right spoken Band-Aid.

It’s not that we don’t want to assuage the angst that we or someone we care about is feeling – it’s that doing so is a skill so few of us are trained to do.

**So, What Can You Do For Someone (or, Yourself) Who is Going Through a Tough Time?**

In absence of helping a friend sponge-bathe their infirmed parent, or donating your own arm skin for their mouth, there are simple but surprisingly helpful things you can do.

1. If it’s you going through a difficult time, radically accept what is happening to you. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you have to agree with what’s happening or how you feel about it – but you accept it as it is, no matter how painful or inconvenient it is. C’est la vie. Whatever will be, will be. It is so, so it is. There is incredible freedom in merely accepting how things are.

2. Regularly check-in with yourself and your feelings. If you’re feeling irritable, for example, take tangible steps to lessen your angst. This might include taking regular long walks or working-out, watching a comedy, turning-off your phone and reading some Dave Barry or David Letterman, or doing some guided meditations from YouTube.

3. If it’s a friend hurting, simply ask them how they are doing. Then be present and listen. You don’t need to offer nuggets of life-altering advice. It’s actually best that you don’t. Just listen.

4. Ask how you can best support them during this trying time. If it’s you who is hurting, how can you be your own best advocate? Hint: regular sleep, healthy eating, and not self-isolating.

5. Be consistent. Don’t check-in once and fade to black. Check-in regularly, even if via text.

6. Lastly, avoid the trite prose fails we often default upon. And, the next time someone gives you useless advice, convince them that having another baby will save their relationship.

Is that a Pachyderm On Your Chest?

We Are the Unhappiest We’ve Been in 50 Years…

Many of us are one wobbly-wheeled grocery cart encounter away from arm-barring someone’s maskless, selfish face. Especially here in California, where heat, wildfires, high Covid rates, and a hyper-contentious looming election add further anxiety, anarchy, and possibly more monster truck rallies into our collective future.

Like you, I’m facing notable levels of grief and apathy – as indicated by my 2 am binge-watching of Cobra Kai, eating weed gummies, and hitting snooze until lunchtime. Then taking a nap around 4:00. I even lack the energy to thumb scroll and judge people on social media. I’m filled with a general malaise where I can’t focus on anything beyond licking a stamp or overeating.

With over a month of West Coast wildfires, leaving the house means chewing through the chowder thick, carcinogenic air. It has even crept into the house where I have to regularly rinse my eyes with cold water. There is no escape beyond driving hundreds of miles east. Which I’m too apathetic to do. I often find myself standing in a window searching for the glowing orange orb of a sun through the claustrophobic haze. When I find it, I stare too long.

With all the adverse events unfolding, I’ve traded the great outdoors for brief, masked interactions at Trader Joe’s or Petco. My hikes replaced by long, boring spin bike rides and carpet push-ups.

I’m hearing a common theme about not just a general malaise, but something more concerning: An overall feeling of hopelessness. It’s not normal for so many Americans to feel this anxious or depressed.

A third of Americans are now showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression.

For every 100 American adults, 34 show symptoms of anxiety, depression … or, both. The data is directly from a Census study titled, Measuring Household Experiences during the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Pandemic.

Here’s the drop-kicker: Deep within that 20-minute survey, savvy U.S. officials included four questions taken from a form used by physicians to screen patients for depression and anxiety. The responses provide an alarming view into the country’s mental health after months of distress, seclusion, unemployment, and doubt.

The Census Bureau finding supports the mounting evidence of an increasing mental health crisis among Americans. Sadly, experts say that without intervention, the nation will experience a rise in suicides, substance abuse and overdose deaths.

And, what is our government’s response to this looming mental health catastrophe? Zero f#cks given. When asked how they would follow-up with respondents to the Census Bureau survey, the CDC said in an emailed statement:

“It is not feasible, nor would it be appropriate, to provide any health advice to respondents on the basis of their responses.”

The government actually has a responsibility to address the problems revealed by the survey. “If you measure a problem, presumably it’s because you want to do something about it,” said Maria A. Oquendo, former president of the American Psychiatric Association (APA). Doctors don’t diagnose patients with cancer only to send them back into the asbestos mine.

So, why should you feel hopeful?

Go easy on yourself. It would be weird for you to not feel jacked-up over all that’s happening. Current events are heavy and creating an unavoidable wake of despair for the majority.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, says that re-imagining happiness is almost hard-wired into Americans’ DNA. “Human beings are remarkably resilient. There’s lots and lots of evidence that we adapt to everything. We move forward.”

Source the humor! It’s always there. As Erma Bombeck once said, “There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” It seems personally blasphemous to laugh at our current misfortunes. But sourcing the humor is precisely what we need to do in order to cope. When you are overwhelmed by tragic events, humor is a useful defense mechanism. Time may not enable us to laugh at everything. But, tragedies and humor go together like cashiers and plastic sneeze guards.

When facing adversity such as illness or even death, humor serves as a buffer. In fact, people who think about death are actually funnier. The notion is appropriately called Terror Management Theory. Studies suggest that humor functions as a natural and often effective means of down-regulating stressful or traumatic experiences

Humor is embedded in tragedy, pain and struggle in ways we cannot grasp. And possibly, humor is also what will save us in all this mess. If not, NASA said there’s a 1 in 240 chance that an asteroid the size of a small car will hit Earth the night before the election

**Anxiety Disclaimer: Don’t worry. Asteroids of this size burn-up in the atmosphere long before they hit our ground. This won’t be the thing that does us in.

There is No “New Normal” Because There Was Never a “Normal.”

If you were to ask the general public what specific outbreak might wreak mayhem within our lifetimes, you’d likely hear Flu, locusts, boils, frogs, politicians or something similar from social media prophetics or the Book of Revelations.

Even when news of another coronavirus hit, it was in a far away land impacting only “other peoples.” It would seem hyperbole that cruise ships would become the vector ferrying tiny, spiky, murder spheres to our own shores.

Our sole defense was keeping the potentially contagious temporarily adrift on floating petri dishes, while enjoying 24-hour buffets and sequined ABBA and NSYNC cover bands.

But we’d soon be worried over parents, grandparents, and ourselves as we came face-to-face with our vulnerability and the inter-connectedness of our Planet. Moreover, we realized that nothing was ever “under control” – an illusion we had believed and subscribed to for a generation. And we became angry at the thin veil through which life was sewn.

Didn’t Someone’s God assure us we’d never be given more than we can handle?

Actually, no. This guarantee isn’t in the Bible, Quran, Torah, Guru Granth Sahib, Vedas, Tripitaka, or Kojiki. It’s a motivational quip we like to keep next to those Live, Love, Laugh prints from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The problem with living such a comfortable existence for so long, is the depth of the fall to a life of discomfort.

Thankfully, we’re buoyed by the frontline workers in healthcare, at nursing homes, behind badges, delivery personnel, pharmacists, grocery employees, and perhaps the most unexpected superheroes: undocumented agriculture workers – without whom we’d lose a vital tier of the food pyramid.

Mid 2020 has seen the indoctrination of millions of newcomers into the anxiety and depression clubs – the steep dues paid with inner chill and peace of mind. Though many of us (i.e., the anxious) have been mentally prepping for a lifetime, we too found ourselves ill-equipped for an epidemic. You can’t train for a contagion that exists only in one’s mind (another reason why worry is a useless endeavor). But suddenly it’s not so weird to clean an apple with a bleach wipe.

Find the humor, find the cure.

It’s always there. This might not be the best time to ponder Dostoyevsky’s Poor Folk or The House of the Dead – though I’m a huge proponent of the man otherwise. A pandemic calls for some light and cheery reading to facilitate levity and laughs. Consider anything from Dave Barry or Augustin Burroughs. And don’t overlook works by other great contributors like Erma Bombeck and Dorothy Parker.

Mark Twain knew it best: “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.” Studies confirm that laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a chemical in the brain that creates a sense of joy. Moreover, humor is clinically validated to reduce stress long-term by improving the immune system through the release of neuropeptides, relieving pain, increasing personal satisfaction, and lessening depression and anxiety. The simple act of smiling causes the brain to release dopamine, which in turn makes us feel happy. But don’t worry about the science. Just YouTube “Sebastian Maniscalco” or “cat videos” and away you go.

Humor = Calamity + Time.

Humor will change your relationship to the problem of stress, worry, or anxiety. It reduces stigma, promotes wellbeing, helps you to cope with difficult situations, reduces tension, discomfort and stress; and strengthens your immune system. It’s pretty much a miracle elixir.

Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, sourced and used humor as one tactic to survive German concentration camps, and he highlighted humor as ‘another of the soul’s weapons in the fight for self-preservation.’ “The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living,” cited Frankl.

Humor produces endorphins that soothe the body and allows a responsive brain to take charge – like a legal massage somewhere with no blacked-out windows.

There cannot be a “normal” in an unpredictable world. We use terms like “new normal” to instill an element of control over things. Control is an illusion.

But radically accepting the randomness of life, while staying mindful in the present is damn liberating. We don’t like to admit that we actually have little control over anything – especially our own fates – yet we do things that impact our longevity. You can now observe the rampant OCD taking place nearly everywhere by those not accustomed to proper OCD’ing. For example, shaking hands during Flu season (or otherwise) has always been an archaic practice in the transmission of filth. Have you seen what you do with your hands?! Despite lacking opposable thumbs, even dogs know that sniffing butts is a more hygienic “hello.”

And consider a University of Arizona study revealing that cellphones carry 10 times more bacteria than most toilet seats. Yet we don’t hesitate to pinch zoom a pic when someone hands us their toilet phone.

And, how many times have you eaten birthday cake blown on by someone you didn’t like or barely knew? Well, you might as well have them blow directly into your open mouth. A study in the Journal of Food Research determined that blowing out candles over that sweet, sticky icing resulted in 1,400% more bacteria compared to icing spared the puff (The study was aptly titled “Bacterial Transfer Associated with Blowing Out Candles on a Birthday Cake”).

Black-light most any hotel room and it will look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Hotels will charge $250 for smoking in your room, but you can leave a bodily bio-hazard at no charge. This serves to heighten my perception of hotels as wildly filthy. And do you think the card keys ever get cleaned? I question the entire arrangement altogether. Most of us make that room as cozy as our own, in full denial that few people tip the maids upon checkout.

Hotels are where people go to cut their toenails, trim body hair, or bleed. The mattresses are literal smut sponges. But we gladly pay for the privilege of rubbing our faces into the pillows and bleach-infused towels.

Humor is ever present. You just gotta peek through the dank mental hues of your angst. Sourcing the lighter side of your emotions is vital – particularly when a third of Americans are now showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression.

Covid created a massive wake of anxiety and depression across the globe, along with budding terms like “immunity privileged” and “vaccine nationalism.”

Understandably, as most of us had not incurred a life disruption of this magnitude prior. During the initial stages of the pandemic, I spent most of my time hiding from humanity to avoid the contagion. My sole activity was sterilizing everything I ordered via Instacart and Amazon with disinfectant wipes. I wondered if anyone else was using hospital grade wipes on their organic lettuce.

There are a handful of things I’ve done to maintain internal peace and manage my anxiety during the quarantines and isolation. One of the most vital was distraction afforded by Netflix binges, naturally. But I also read a lot. At any given time during the pandemic, I’ve been concurrently reading five to six books depending on mood.

I also attend live or archived online church and devotional sessions to feel grounded. This is where I learned specific scriptures that also helped carry me through the salty times. Isaiah 41:10-13, Isaiah 53, Psalm 23, Psalm 40:1-3, Psalm 91, and particularly Philippians 4:6-8 were pivotal in smoothing the frays. Memorizing scripture is also a form of meditation. And it helps train the brain for other things – like remembering to brush your teeth or what day it is.

A good chunk of my Covid coping time was spent on building an in-home gym since my fitness center closed. This was exceptionally challenging as millions had the same idea, and every dumbbell, kettlebell, and old-school cement-filled, vinyl prison weight was sold-out everywhere.

Over weeks, I slowly accrued a Frankenstein gym of mismatched heavy things.

I converted my living room into a carpeted fitness studio where I performed calisthenic and plyometric feats of athleticism, such as 3,000 burpees and push-ups per month. I also fast-walked like a soccer mom late to A.A. 25 miles per week. Sadly, my ”nothing succeeds like excess” mindset and compromised shoulders reminded me why my body was made for writing in an ergonomic chair. I was soon too injured from one of the physical endeavors to do anything else, and I had to take two months off. But my anxiety did not.

Anxiety and depression can pique in the absence of coping skills. When we assign value or validity to intrusive thoughts and fears, it’s like mental Miracle-Gro. Talking to a therapist via phone or teletherapy is a measurably effective adjunct tool during stressful times.

There is a little-known dichotomy about mental health issues that makes seeking treatment difficult:

When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. My anxiety doesn’t want me to pay bills until I’m getting hate mail from creditors, fold laundry until I have no room on my bed to sleep, get groceries until I’m down to ramen and a jar of crusted mayo, or wash my car until stranger’s spell profanities on the windows.

There are two incidences when you should seek out a professional.

If you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, or if you are having passive thoughts about hurting yourself or others (even if you don’t have a plan or any real intent to follow through with these thoughts).
If your symptoms are starting to interfere with your daily life. Such symptoms could include suddenly not getting along with friends or family, difficulty with sleep, problems eating, doing poorly in school or work, or starting to use alcohol or drugs to cope or feel better.

How to choose a therapist

There are many different types of talk therapies available, and many types of therapists to choose from. So which therapy and therapist is right for you? When it comes to treating all mental health issues, especially anxiety or depression, you want to make sure you chose a therapist that uses an approach that is evidence based or empirically validated. This means that they say and do things to treat your symptoms that have been proven by research to be effective. It doesn’t mean watching episodes of Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz.

Client: “What should I do?”
Therapist: “What do you think you should do?”
Client: “Alright then, keep your secrets.”

When choosing a therapist, there’s an array of therapy degrees that include psychiatrists (M.D.), psychologists (PsyD.), and masters level therapists (LCSW, MCSW, etc.). Don’t get hung-up on the pedigree. Just make sure the person is licensed – meaning s/he went to a school that was accredited, received training that was accredited, and have passed both a national and state licensing examination to prove they know what they are talking about.

Equally important, you want to see someone that you like. If you’re going to see a therapist, the type of degree is less important than making sure they are licensed, using techniques that are supported by research, and are someone you can trust and get along with. I personally know some smart but ~~asshole~~ jerk psychologists that shouldn’t be advising anyone on anything, despite their diplomas. Remember who’s paying whom, and hire/fire accordingly.

How long will you need to attend therapy?

The duration of therapy needed is unique for everyone. Many people experience improvement within only a few sessions, while others reap benefits through months or even years of seeing a professional. There’s no commitment required. The goal is simply helping you achieve measurable improvement.

You can also access the “Managing Covid-19 Anxiety” resource page by the reputable Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Just come away from this knowing that you never need to white-knuckle things alone. Your state-of-mind can make it hard to reach-out, which is precisely when you should.

Quarantine and Chill: Keeping Calm in the Age of Pandemic Porn

Covid-19 is the newest, baddest boogeyman we’ve collectively (not) known. And this one is especially surly because it decimates 401k’s while punching grandmas in the lungs.

As a professional worrier with a black-belt in anxiety, a pandemic was far down my “List of Greatest Anxieties;” falling below an incoming asteroid, Celine Dion, or a “Frozen 5” release. The Covid-19 anxiety trigger caught me so off-guard that I was cerebrally stymied – not by the virus – rather people’s reactions to news of the virus. I found myself on the anxiety sidelines watching the Country run amok depleting supermarket shelves then retreating into doomsday bunkers, while I did nothing. Why? Because the world is not going to implode. Even if irresponsible headlines suggest otherwise.

Symptoms of Coronavirus:

Dry cough
Fever
Trouble breathing
Sudden urge to believe the media’s bullshit

We’re familiar with pneumonia and other afflictions like K-pop and the Kardashians, but most of us haven’t had Covid-19. Therein lies our angst. Anxiety is rooted in a fear of the unknown. This pandemic is exacerbated by a “looming vulnerability” as it creeps closer to our own doorstep, while we have no idea to what severity it might afflict us personally – if at all.

This Looming Vulnerability Model – a perception of a growing, rapidly approaching threat – is traced to our evolutionary past. But it’s a dysfunctional perception that affects our thought processing, functioning, emotions, and behavior. It’s what leads us to thinking that to survive, we must stockpile guns, ammo, and ramen. But this isn’t “The Purge: Anarchy” movie. Even the inept powers-that-be know we will continue to need food and provisions.

Price gouging, panic porn, conspiracy theories, and sensationalist media coverage of the outbreak is fueling existing fears, to include a deliberate pandering to xenophobic stereotypes and click-bait exaggerations. Don’t worry – the Stafford Act does not give the president the authority to declare a nationwide lock-down. We should absolutely self-quarantine and follow distancing protocols. But you will continue to have access to the things you need at Trader Joe’s. You won’t be holed-up like Bin Laden in a fortified dugout of couscous and wives.

Predictions of impending apocalypse have been suggested since the first millennium CE. And even Columbus claimed that the world would last only 7000 years as he whipped-up the first batch of candied yams. And, remember when the world was ending at 12:00 am on January 1^st, 2000? In the fallout of these foiled dates, we endure. Because hope spreads faster than contagion.

You want to hear a coronavirus joke?
You probably won’t get it.

Like many, my own parents are in the highest-risk group for the virus. My mom has a rare stage-4 cancer and is in the hospital almost weekly. While my dad is a stubborn 80-year old facing down the virus like it was a tiny insurgent blocking his entrance to Costco. I’m quite worried for them both. But I strive to consistently source the humor of this salty new frontier to keep my wits.

Hoarding toilet paper won’t help. This isn’t cholera. Panic buying begets panic buying. But we are not powerless. We actually have a choice in all of this: We can choose to find the upside. It’s actually everywhere if you look closely.

SOME UPSIDES TO ALL THE DOWN…

You can poop at home on weekdays.
The antivaxxers are unusually quiet.
The world is actually cleaner than it’s ever been. Never before did so many scrub so much so often.
You have a newfound appreciation of delivery personnel, pet shelter volunteers, therapists, baristas, and nurses.
You’ve discovered forms of exercise outside of filthy gyms.
FaceTime quarantini happy hours.
You’ve learned how to touch your face less with your foul little germ-sticks
Marriages will grow stronger as people practice the “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” thing.
We now see how small and interconnected we are as a planet.
Working remotely will be recognized for its efficiencies, as companies must face the archaic practice of caging people in fabric-lined cubes and feeding them microwaved popcorn.
If you’re an introvert, then this is like any other time.
You’re going to save on haircuts, mani-pedi’s, and bars because … you’re not going. You will also save on dry-cleaning and laundry since you’re donning the same yoga pants and sweats for days.
You’ve stopped worrying about whatever it was you worried about before all of this.

The emerging heroes in the fracas are the supermarket employees who non-judgmentally stock and tally our anxious hoarding; the veterinarians who care for our beloved pets; the pharmacists who fill our prescriptions throughout 24-hour drugstores across America; and the relentless truckers who don’t stop providing a crazed populace food and adult baby wipes. Americans are at their best in times of crisis. And history will reveal that it was the blue collars and blue scrubs that kept the world turning throughout the most anxious time of our lives.

In the meantime, there are some things you can do to harvest your chill.

QUARANTINE “TO-DO” LIST:

Order a bidet from Amazon.
If you smoke or vape, quit. The last thing you want during a respiratory pandemic are tarry lungs.
Start the book you bought 7 years ago.
Learn a new Tik Tok dance. Here are 10 to get you started.
Catch up on your favorite Netflix series.
Learn to be still. This new lifestyle is intended to slow us down for our own good. It’s uncomfortable to not be in control. HINT: We were never in control.
Memorize Psalm 23 or Psalm 46.
Wash your hands like you’re lathering your biggest crush, and their life depended on your thoroughness.
Write thank you emails or letters to people who’ve been kind towards you. Ever.
Be an exemplary human. Check-in on those more vulnerable. It might be your own grandparent, or it might be one you’ll adopt.
Sing along to “We Are the Champions” by Queen, “Firework” by Katy Perry, “Let it Go” from Disney’s “Frozen,” or “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, or “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Diana Ross, or that famous brain worm “I Get Knocked Down” by Tubthumping.
Watch this soothing, live jelly cam or any of these other amazing live cams at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.
Shelters around the globe are in urgent need of help due to the COVID-19 crisis. Donate any amount to the ASPCA. PS: Do NOT pet your animals after using hand sanitizer. It’s toxic for all animals.
Access the “Managing Covid-19 Anxiety” resource page by the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).
The endless great outdoors are perfectly safe and available for your exercise and enjoyment. Continuing with the soothing nautical theme, consider this live Channel Islands kelp cam. or this Yosemite Falls live cam, or the Georgia Aquarium live piranha cam (a fan favorite). *Don’t forget to maximize your screen for this eye candy.*
Sadly, we cannot trust news outlets to stop exploiting our fears. So, get the information you need quickly from trusted sources and move on.

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. –H.P. Lovecraft

CORONAXIETY: How to Find Your Chill

At home and on social media, you’re an extroverted badass. In public, you’ve likely become an isolationist dodging eye contact and handshakes, with a tendency towards agoraphobia and a general excitement over cancelled plans.

In Australia, major grocers have restricted toilet paper to one pack per person. In Japan, rolls are chained to the wall in public restrooms. And, in Hong Kong, armed robbers recently carried out a heist as supplies were delivered to a supermarket. Hoarding is a natural human reaction in times of high anxiety.

Anxious hoarding makes us feel like we’re doing something, while fulfilling a need for control. Even if only over anal hygiene.

The world is not teetering on the brink of extinction, but a prolific media is relentlessly reporting the a-cough-alypse via HD pessimism and push-notifications to your phone. Covid-19 is not the pandemic of yore. Sure, it’s crafty and loves the limelight, but it’s injury and mortality rates are paltry in comparison to what your predecessors experienced. Consider that The Plague claimed up to 375 million lives across Europe and Asia during the 14th century. While over the past 300 years, there have been three Flu pandemics, including the Spanish Flu, which killed 50 million people worldwide.

What if…? → Worry → Anxiety → Demoralization & Exhaustion

To add further perspective, every year sharks kill approximately 10 people, while about 100 die from being stepped on by cows, and 150 by falling coconuts. More people die on their couches watching Shark Week than being eaten by them. We fear the wrong things. It’s the creatures that lurk within our minds that truly invoke fear.

In reality, we should be more concerned with cancer, Lyme Disease and our Sno-Cones for glaciers than Covid-19. But the media is a fickle instigator that loves to trigger us. The coronavirus is their latest attempt to drill fear, anxiety, and panic into our psyches. The current media-fueled paranoia has created a fresh culture of hoarding that simply isn’t commiserate with the reality.

And as a historically anxious guy, I would know. But despite the daily torrent of virus news, I surprise myself at my own response. I have yet to avoid the gym, restaurants, or hotels; nor have I hoarded a single item. One only needs to view my cupboards to spot normally low levels of toilet paper and pinot noir. My pantry looks the same today as it did pre-pandemic; with only a few cans of tuna, stale granola, and no record-setting tubs of peanut butter, Chex Mix, or cases of Fruit Roll-Ups.

Those of us prone to anxiety have been mentally (not physically) prepping for disaster, calamity, and pandemics all of our lives. Anxiety’s muse is worst-case-scenarios. When one actually occurs, we’re in our element. Finally, everyone else has moved into our irrationally dysfunctional lane. Except that most people aren’t career worriers, and they’re doing it all wrong.

By way of example, I have always worn 6 mm thick black nitrile gloves at the gym on each visit. I also have a legacy of using hospital grade Sani-wipes at cafes, hotels, and in rental cars – all while fully cognizant that it’s overkill and likely why I have little immunity to the common cold or telemarketers. But I finally have justification for my compulsions, and look less crazy to the newly anxious.

The media loves to scare us – whether about pathogens thriving in our kitchen sponge, or the carcinogens in our mattress.

I see online images of barren store shelves, and hear tales of people having to wipe themselves with socks because Cottonelle is now a controlled substance. Somehow, I’m still not attending the Costco Fight Clubs or subscribing to the mania. If I can source my inner-ohm, so can you.

My recent chill can also be attributed to the serenity I witness whenever I enter a local Safeway, CVS, or Trader Joe’s, despite the fact that I live in the town of the first Covid-19 death in the U.S. Yet, shelves are stocked, terror is absent, respirators are not adorned, and society here is humming along in absence of mass chaos. In the past week, I’ve experienced the same palpable calm throughout the San Francisco Bay Area all the way south to Los Angeles.

Taking precautions is sound practice. But thieving Starbucks napkins and one-ply toilet paper from gas stations is unhealthy paranoia. Fortunately, normalcy is contagious. But so is fear. The anxiety seed-planting by the media is the biggest contagion of all. It’s reckless of news outlets to create a culture of fear through biased reporting, thereby sustaining an anxiety continuum that frays our nerves.

So, What Can You Do to Keep Your Cool?

1. GO ON A BRAIN DIET. The antidote to feeling better in a world seemingly gone mad is as simple as limiting your media consumption. You can’t control the turmoil, but you can dramatically limit your exposure and counter the negative with some positives like Upworthy, The Good News Network, and YouTube cat videos. You may like being up to date on news, but at what cost to your internal peace? Make a media exposure limit and stick to it.

2. FIND THE HUMOR. IT’S THERE. Anxiety and humor cannot coexist – sort of like Clark Kent and Superman, or humidity and good hair. Using humor in trying times causes a mental and emotional shift that yields a new perspective in approaching difficult situations. And, it does all this without drugs or booze, so you can relish the healing properties of laughter at work or while operating equipment – like a lathe or wet screed. And, phrases like “social distancing,” “let’s board a cruise ship,” and “trust your government” can be funny.

3. FORGET NIHILISM – RADICALLY ACCEPT THE MOMENT. In shocking times, our brains shift to a self-preserving form of denial where the logic-loving prefrontal cortex can shut down. This allows the amygdala – the blaring alarm system part of the brain – to take over. Freedom from suffering requires acceptance from deep within us of ‘what is.’ Let yourself go completely with what is. Stay rooted in the moment (aka, mindfulness). Acceptance is your only way out and through. But it requires an internal commitment – not once, but over and over.

4. CRACK A (HALF) SMILE. A half-smile is slightly turned-up lips with a relaxed face – like a celebrity DUI mugshot. This tactic is proven to be effective in turning around cycles of negative moods and depressive episodes. Because emotions are a combination of thoughts, sensations, and behaviors, changing just one of these components can result in significantly altering the course of the emotion. You will instantly signal to the brain a feeling of levity despite your serial killer smirk.

5. THROW A COUNTER-PUNCH. Do not give in to what anxiety is driving you to do. Whatever it is that counters the anxiety, do it. Each time you parry your fear, you are “rewiring” your brain and weakening anxiety’s hold on you. No one overcomes anxiety who consistently avoids. When it comes to quelling Coronavirus anxiety, facing your fear is key. While avoidance may make you feel better in the short-term, it prevents you from learning that this virus is not as scary or crushing as you think.

6. WALK IT OFF. Movement facilitates a healthier mental and physical state despite whatever else is going on. No matter the existing threat, your body and immune system will be improved through exercise, allowing you to better manage anything from a pandemic to a bunion. Take it one step at a time. Drive to the gym or trail-head. Then walk away from your car, and don’t return till you’re bejeweled in the sweaty sequins of health and achievement.

7. STAY OFF ANY BOAT LARGE ENOUGH TO HOST A BUFFET OR JIMMY BUFFET. At least for now.

What you think will destroy you probably won’t. If you’re still anxious, you can print this article for toiletry.

For additional Covid-19 specific anxiety, visit THESE helpful resources from the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Coronavirus, Cancers, Caucuses, and the “Perspective” Cure…

None of it is as bad as it seems.

Q: What travels faster than the speed of light?
A: Bad news.

In a clinical study, 85% of what subjects worried about never occurred. Of the 15% that materialized, 79% of subjects discovered they could handle it well. The universe is on your side. But studies can be boring, and as Mark Twain is said to have said (he was said to have said a lot of things), “I’ve experienced many terrible things in my life, only a few of which actually happened.”

It seems that whenever I’ve experienced a hardy setback, it has occurred along with one or two other scrotal-kicks. For example, I concurrently went through my worst breakup at the same time as a 10th major shoulder surgery. I hit my low during that phase while sitting on my linoleum kitchen floor in a sling unable to tie my shoes with one hand. And, because I don’t yet wear Velcro shoes. I never felt so alone than in that moment, and I soon broke-down sobbing because I missed my ex and a practical arm.

The benefit to hitting rock bottom is that you can rebound. But, I was a medicine ball.

People often say, “bad things occur in three’s.” Bullshit. Good, bad, and neutral things occur in ones, threes, eights, and tens. There are no inevitable groupings. This is another instance where humans seek patterns – in this case quantifiable – to feel an element of control. No one suffering a divorce or layoff also wants to be scanning the vista for the other two predictable setbacks of the “bad things come in threes triad” hurtling towards them at the speed of fate.

But, so goes the wholly subversive aura of hearing bad news. It can permeate every cell in a cataclysmic upheaval of the sanities until you are reduced to basic survival with only the bleakest disposition left to guide you. It’s not uncommon to feel like you will lose everything – no matter the gravity of the situation, while what’s left won’t matter. This is why the notion of “perspective” is so crucial. Think of perspective as the measuring stick by which everything in your life is gauged, and whereby you determine the relativeness of anything against the ‘grand scheme’ of things.

Illustrations by Peter L. Brown

Receiving bad news is always an unsettling event. But, is it getting caressed by your cellie while wrongly incarcerated for car masturbating in a school zone crappy? Of course not. Therein lies the indispensable potency of perspective.

There’s no disputing that a negative outcome sucks. But, measured against an episode of “Live PD” it often feels somewhat paltry. Just keep it appropriately stack-ranked against the litany of potentialities.

We tend to lose all perspective when life gets tough. Don’t give it anymore mojo than it already warrants by promoting it higher on the Wong Baker face pain scale, where “0” is getting dumped by a vegan at your BBQ, and “10” is seeing your spouse on an STD dating site, where s/he adds the caveat of being both HPV and HSV2 positive.

That said, perspective is an acquired benchmark. We measure things against that which we know. Your particular worry or woe may be the single worst incident you’ve encountered thus far. For better or worse, I’ve had a portfolio of colorful events against which to measure. Though, most of them weren’t quite grisly or within recent enough memory to provide a backdrop of genuine appreciation. There’s a statute of limitations on misery and perspective. Thankfully, I had cancer surgery not long ago, followed by regular chemo via catheter to keep me grounded in what truly matters.

This all followed the insight that something was egregiously wrong with me, while staunchly refusing medical testing. It takes copious amounts of denial to discount such an obvious ailment. For an anxious guy, I impressed myself with my ability to deny at such unprecedented levels.

Even though it was an obviously serious malady, I tried to will it away. I told myself it was probably a UTI, cystitis, kidney stones, or one of those asshole Amazonian Candiru fish that swim-up the penis and loiter in the cheap seats. *Though, the diabolical, urea-loving nature of this pest has since been debunked. Nevertheless, I continued to live life in denial as I was peeing out pieces of my insides. I implemented some self-triage in the form of cranberry juice, saw palmetto, and urinary probiotics, hoping I could homeopathically remedy whatever ailed me – unless it was indeed the jilted Candiru. Or, cancer.

As a gender, men avoid most timely medical care. It’s actually a large part of why men die much younger than women.

When I was initially diagnosed, I went through a two week period where I was livid at the unfairness of it all. I had never been a smoker, and I did four hours of hard cardio per week and daily veggie shakes. Meanwhile, people like my own brother shirk all forms of exercise, smoke a pack of Marlboro 100s per day, drink Winston Churchill-levels of whiskey, and eat charred meats.

But, that’s how life plays out. There are thousands of infants who unfairly suffer the consequences of leukemia and terminal illnesses. And, they haven’t been around long enough to chalk-up any bad karma. Life isn’t fair for any of us – which is why it’s fair for all of us. On the upside, I gained much needed, lifelong gratitude and perspective.

The media loves to trigger us. The Coronavirus coverage is their latest attempt to instill fear, anxiety, and panic into our psyches. But, like most other triggers, it lacks perspective. Consider, for example, that in the 2019-2020 season so far, at least 19 million people in the US have gotten the flu and 10,000 people have died from it – including at least 68 children (source: CDC). This is the virus we should be trying to avoid. No contagion spreads like fear. And, the media spreads it like butter so they can sell more ads and anti-anxiety pill commercials. Keeping us anxious is right where they want us.

What you think is going to kill you probably won’t. Whatever will, isn’t even on your radar.

That’s not an invite to immediately determine the source of your future demise. It’s a call to live your life fully. In the now.

Breaking-Up Badly: 11 Tips to Avoid Self-Imploding Following A Breakup

“I’m sorry I annoyed you with my unconditional love.”

The early phase of a breakup is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep and an indifference to personal hygiene, all peppered with moments of irrationality.

The exhausted brain loops re-enactments of the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre relationship forensics. You painstakingly dissect past conversations, events and nuances of the bond while cerebrally clawing towards a personal salvage strategy.

You become a pariah to friends and family who look upon you with pursed lips of empathy, while avoiding sustained eye contact or dialogue at the risk of triggering an emotional flare. People make tired comments like, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” “You’re better off,” or “How long were you together?” so they can quickly determine if the number justifies your level of distress.

How long will the pain last? What is considered acceptable by friends … or society? Is the recovery period half the time you were together? No. There is no mystical breakup algorithm to yield your fixed emotional penance. It takes what it takes. And for everyone this is different. Everything you need to heal is already within you. Therein lies your freedom.

The pain of rejection is exacerbated by how we view and treat ourselves after it occurs. But rejection also causes physiological pain with an evolutionary purpose. Back in early times, being rejected by your people meant lone survival and imminent death. Now we have Netflix and DoorDash, and being alone for a period is an underutilized indulgence that too few learn to sit with and relish. Once we do, we glean how truly self-sufficient we are.

But, what does the research say?

Studies suggest that women experience more emotional anguish in the aftermath of a breakup, but it takes men longer to recover. A woman deals with a breakup head-on. By the time a woman is on the backside of a breakup, her ex-boyfriend is just coming to terms with what went down.

And contrary to widely held beliefs, closure is not necessary. Countless people never gain closure yet still move forward and heal. When we are broken-up with, our ability to reconcile who we are is upheaved. But you’re still in there … somewhere. You are whole. And you are grand. Despite what you might be thinking, you never need to know why your ex did anything they did. Your ex was never the reason you thrived.

Soulmate is what Satan puts in his coffee.

From an evolutionary perspective, if we were meant to be with only one person on Earth, society would collapse. You did not lose your soulmate. You can look for one of your other soulmates later. For now, any search for external breakup remedies and relief is rooted in a desire to short-circuit the recovery process. If evolution didn’t insert some physiological checks and balances in the form of heartache, we’d hook-up with the next thing in an Armani suit or Lululemon’s.

For those lacking breakup survival skills, the symptoms and manifestations associated with a breakup are measurably more self-defeating. So, here are some proven tactics to hasten your heal:

1. Don’t press “rewind” when you should hit “delete.”

Do not sleep with him/her one more time in the hope it will usher you back to better times. Delete your ex’s number from your phone — even if you have it memorized. Of all the things we lose during a breakup, keeping the locus of control is the most important and often ignored. The easiest way to control your current moods and keep your power is to not contact your ex.

2. Therapist? You mean bartender?

A breakup can lead to depression, isolation, self-accusation, or worse. You don’t always need to make grief clinical, but it’s imperative to know when to seek outside professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning — including sleep.

3. Only the strong forgive.

Forgiveness is simply giving up the hope for a different past. They may not deserve your forgiveness; but you deserve peace. It’s about letting go of the outcome, rather than condoning any actions by someone whom inflicted the pain. Forgiveness takes only one person: You.

4. The power of three gratitudes.

Not only does gratitude increase how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly deprives the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so badly. There is omnipotence in gratitude. Focus on three gratitudes daily, no matter how small.

5. Exorcise all relationship mementos.

Emails, toothbrushes, photos, texts, his Apple Watch, etc. and change all venues you frequented together, such as bars, cafes, Urban Outfitters, etc. You could use the change of scenery, while avoiding needless reminders of his love for salmon shorts and craft brews.

6. The quickest way over one is not under another.

Rebounding is a brief distractor that invariably turns into sound-boarding your ex’s name and shortcomings onto some naked app prey beside this woeful version of you. A rebound won’t help you with healthy, long-term objectives. What will? Work with being solo for a bit to achieve self-improvement, reflection, and a righteous comeback.

7. But, veggies taste like dirt and sadness.

To counter the melancholic feelings inherent to any breakup, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, exercise, and eat right. Wean off the Pinot Gris and cookie dough and get some nutrients. Studies have shown that foods can directly influence the brain’s neurotransmitter systems that are related to mood. (Hopf, 2010).

8. Better than an FWB is a BuB.

“He’s only ignoring my texts because I haven’t sent enough.” Utilize the exceptionally helpful camaraderie of a Breakup Buddy (BuB) to remediate poor decisions when reacting from emotions. These are dangerous moments of relapse; hence, the importance of someone who will think for you until logic is reengaged. Refer to them often.

9. Tweak small behaviors to dramatically shift moods.

If you change small post-breakup behaviors, it will change your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is paramount in helping you to feel less anxious, worried, depressed, or experiencing an intolerance of uncertainty following a split. For example, if you do the opposite of what your emotions are driving you to do — such as checking-out their social media or driving by their residence — your anxiety, worry, and pain will subside.

10. “Cowabunga, dude(tte)!”

Ride those thought waves. The technique of urge-surfing involves riding an emotional wave and not responding to any part of it, but letting it swell and then wane. This is an extremely helpful tactic to use in dealing with the impulsivity associated with a breakup, because you are observing your emotions, rather than acting on them. And this prevents regretful actions.

11. Cuddle the friendliest ghost of all.

“Just gonna send him a message … Aaaaaaaannnnnd I’m blocked.” Going ghost is one of the most sagacious devices for self-preservation. Most breakup sufferers greatly add to their angst by not following this one, basic tenet. If you’re going to be friends with your ex, it’ll happen organically and only when you’re long over them. If you must see your ex, keep it cool and make it fast. Otherwise, ignore them so hard they doubt their own existence.

“Frankie says, relapse.”

A final note: Breakup recovery isn’t linear, but more a game of Chutes ‘n Ladders. Reverting and plateauing are common throughout the entire process. Healing is rarely direct in movement, but setbacks are temporary and short-term. You may feel stuck at the same level of muck for two weeks, only to suddenly leap forward in your progress out of nowhere. Your adherence to tactics such as the aforementioned will accelerate your imminent return to baller status.

10 Ways to Support a Loved One with Cancer. From a Son In Remission … with a Mom in Remission.

I currently share the mixed blessing of being in cancer remission with my mom. It’s not genetic; I’m adopted.

I’m remarkably grateful to be in remission with her; but uncertain how as a former athlete I succumbed to a smoker’s cancer diagnosis on my actual birthday. Or, far worse, how my mom was hit with a rare stage IV breast cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I would take her illness on if that were ever an option in my regular fantasy where Hollywood or some omnipotent entity granted me the power to switch maladies.

Being in this unenvied position, I’ve learned that the only thing worse than your own pain is helplessly watching a loved one suffer. The first being mostly physical; the latter crushingly emotional. Yet it does not stop me from trying to will health or strength upon her.

A major stressor faced by many people in their lifetime is a cancer diagnosis. Sadly, cancer patients too commonly cite instances of people they know who never communicated emotional support regarding their illness. While studies show that people do better emotionally in a crisis when they have strong support from family members and friends. However, if one of your friends or loved ones has been diagnosed with cancer you might not know what to say or do to help.

According to a recent study by Katharine J. Head of the Department of Communication Studies at Indiana University-Purdue University “Although adult cancer survivors and their families face unique psychosocial and health-related challenges related to cancer, little is known about how the illness experience of cancer may positively transform their mental, physical, and social well-being following primary treatment.”

Cancer has a way of quickly re-prioritizing life, while teaching a valuable lesson in perspective not otherwise gleaned.

My cancer diagnosis served as the perfect opportunity to “clean house” regarding friends, work, and how I spent my time. Suddenly, I was face-to-face with the regret of how I had been spending my life thus far, and with whom. I quickly removed shallow friends, a girlfriend who drank too much, and even a few family members from my sphere of influence. And, I never looked back.

Actions to support someone recently diagnosed with cancer:

**1. Listen and give advice only when asked.**

We all want to ease the pain of those we care about. But, dispensing unsolicited advice is one of the worst things to do to those newly diagnosed with cancer. One of the best things you can do, however, is to offer the gift of listening with empathy. Exclaiming to someone that frankincense, CBD, or turmeric can cure their cancer deserves a punch to the larynx. Just don’t.

2. Support their cancer treatment decision.

We cannot impose our will on others, even in instances of record-level relevancy or as a shared decision-maker. The choice rests with the patient. And, if your loved one asks you to contact medical providers, be sure you have written consent. Privacy laws prohibit health professionals from speaking to relatives – including parents or adult children – without the patient’s permission. As I’ve learned firsthand, you can’t ‘parent your parents.’

3. Be present.

Even in silence, the mere presence of someone we care for during a difficult time has immediate and lasting benefits. Sit with your loved one during treatment or have lunch with them afterward. Even better if it falls within the oncologist’s dietary recommendations. Your loved one may love sugar – but so do cancer cells.

4. Learn about the cancer and specific treatment plan.

Cancer Care and other reputable organizations offer educational information and websites regarding cancer, respective treatments, and side effects. Be cautious of your sources or how much you read, however. It’s common to get overwhelmed and frantic – especially regarding prognosis percentages that are overgeneralized and unspecific to your loved one’s case. Internet research is an activity best kept in moderation.

5. Consider the caregiver.

Caregiver burnout and fatigue is a real thing. No matter the relation, this is an often-overlooked premise. Cancer caregivers take on many tasks, often including those formerly held by the recently diagnosed. The caregiver needs care too. Sometimes you need to call on backup in the form of additional family or friends. You can review and receive help at Cancer Caregivers, caregiver resources at the American Cancer Society, or from the National Cancer Institute caregiver support page.

6. Be steadfast.

Those with cancer often experience a discernible drop-off in support from friends and family after the initial diagnosis. Cancer is a long-term disease followed by a longer remission period. It requires more from supporters than a gratuitous slap on the back and “You’ll kick this, buddy!” flaccid approach. This ain’t the Flu. Prepare accordingly.

7. Keep the status quo.

For many people, being able to maintain life pre-cancer diagnosis can boost their sense of mastery over the illness and lessen the life-impact of the disease. Cancer is a silent narcissist best kept small.

8. Don’t be detached if you are long-distance.

Never underestimate the emotional support that comes from regular phone calls or texts. Since you might be too far to prepare food and bring it yourself, perhaps arrange to have meals delivered from a local restaurant or reputable and healthy meal service like Freshly or Hello Fresh. Or, consider ordering groceries online from a local supermarket that delivers. Use vacation time or a holiday weekend and visit with the ill person doing something enjoyable. For them.

9. If you have the means, offer financial assistance.

Cancer can strain finances to the point of financial ruin, and many people are too proud or ashamed to ask for monetary assistance. If you think it’s needed and are able to offer, raise the subject respectfully. Cancer is a selfish money pit. The Cancer Financial Assistance Coalition, Cancer Care, or the resources page via the American Cancer Society can also be of considerable help.

10. Pray.

I don’t care who you call your higher-power, this is the time to send some knee-mails. I regularly lean on prayer, daily gratitude’s, and striving to stay rooted in the moment. Helpful tactics I would not have learned sans cancer.

There is no education like struggle. Suffering is a conduit to empathy and awareness. Adversity yields purpose and refinement in life that can only come from life trials.

There is always an upside or takeaway to every hardship, though it often takes time and distance to source it. In my instance, I am much closer to my parents through our shared experience caring for mom. Adversity also gave me the incentive to leave a dead-end job and relegate my only toxic sibling to the “acquaintance” pool. Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge.