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Guest Post: Is Anxiety Killing Us as a Culture?

Anxiety is currently a serious problem. As a whole, the collective mind – particularly in Western cultures and North America – seems to be getting more distraught, more stressed, and more anxious.

This is creating a number of problems in society as a whole. Is anxiety killing us as a culture?

How Could Anxiety Do So Much Damage?

When someone is anxious, it’s a reflection of inner turmoil. Many of us deal with existential anxiety – the constant, looming sense of having no real idea of what we’re doing on this planet, or where our lives are going. Working, raising kids, going to school, and living in noisy, crowded cities can all promote high levels of anxiety.

This is problematic on its own – but unfortunately, a lot of people don’t acknowledge their anxiety or refuse to seek help for it. This means that there are millions of people living their lives in a state of anxiety while also believing that there’s no reason that they should seek help for it.

Anxiety is running rampant in society, creating a litany of problems.

Driving while anxious makes one more likely to have an accident.
High anxiety levels are leading to higher rates of drug addiction and overdose.
Parents who are anxious all the time are likely to raise anxious children (anxiety seed-planting).
High levels of anxiety and stress are known to contribute to physical diseases and is likely a factor in the increasing rates of disease in the United States.
Serious anxiety can develop into other conditions, a lower quality of life, and make people more likely to act out irrationally or even violently.

Knowing this, there’s no doubt that anxiety is something worthy of treatment. But what can we do?

How to Manage Anxiety

One of the reasons that people may not treat their anxiety is because they’re not sure how to go about it. Here are some reliable ways to manage anxiety.

Find a Therapist. Many people fear therapy will label them as some sort of ‘nut-case,’ but this isn’t anywhere close to truth. The brain is an organ that can screw-up like any other organ in the body. Does having asthma or cancer make you a lesser person? Hardly. The reality is that we’re all struggling with some sort of internal issue, and the strongest people are those who seek out therapy to improve themselves regardless of what others think. You can easily find a therapist on the Psychology Today website, or speak to an online therapist through one of many companies.
Consider Meditation or Breathing Exercises. Meditation has been used for thousands of years to help people manage things like chronic stress and anxiety. Beginning a meditation routine and doing it properly will yield profound results that can measurably improve both physical and mental health. Meditation has even been scientifically proven to lower cortisol, the stress hormone.
Practice Gratitude. Consistently (daily) focusing on just three gratitudes – no matter how small – at the end of each day, has a twofold effect: (1) It slows and replaces negative thought patterns with something entirely different. (2) It rewires the brain to stop automatically seeking the “bad.” Studies show that we can physically rewire and retrain the brain! Doing something 40 – 50 times creates new pathways, neurons and synapses in the brain that can be seen via MRI. And, doing it 60 times or more will actually thicken and reinforce those neuron bundles for the long-term!

If you follow these tips, then you’ll surely find that your mental health improves in no time.

Guest Post: 4 Ways to Reduce Anxiety in the Workplace

Anxiety can be a debilitating condition, especially in the workplace. If you have high anxiety all of the time, anxiety while you are at work can make it very difficult to do your job effectively. Anxiety in the workplace can affect your relationships with your coworkers and supervisors, as well as your interactions with clients or customers. Luckily, there are several ways that you can manage your anxiety while at work.

Meditation

Meditation is a great relaxation tool that can really be employed just about anywhere. All it takes is 10 minutes of meditation to reduce anxiety. You can meditate at your desk, find a quiet unused meeting room, or even go into a bathroom stall. Using your breaks at work to meditate can help keep your body and mind fully relaxed and better able to cope with the day to day tasks of your job.

Deep Breathing

Breathing exercises are a great way to make sure that you are remaining calm while you are at work. When you feel your anxiety mounting, take a few moments to close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Take deep breaths, counting to five as you inhale and counting to three as you exhale. Focusing on your breathing will help calm your mind, while the deep slow breaths will reduce the physical effects of anxiety such as lowering pulse rate, lowering blood pressure, and relaxing the muscles of the body.

Counting the Senses

If you are in the midst of an anxiety attack or you are experiencing particularly high anxiety at one point in time, you can do a quick exercise to get yourself grounded and back on track. Simply find at least one thing in the room that correlates to each of the five senses. Find something you can see, something you can touch, something you can hear, something you can smell, and something you can taste. The more things you find for each sense the more grounded you will feel.

Of course, managing anxiety isn’t always this easy. You may have high anxiety in the workplace due to your own internal monologue or issues that have arisen in your workplace. If you frequently have anxiety only while you are at work, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist. A therapist will be able to help you discover why you are having the high anxiety while at work and address those issues to eliminate the anxiety once and for all.

If you have a full time job, therapy may seem impossible to schedule. With BetterHelp.com you can talk to a therapist on the phone, by text, online, or through video chat any time of the day or night. They also have a lot of information on their website that can help you learn how to manage your anxiety in and out of the workplace. Do not hesitate to contact them, or to do more research into how to manage your anxiety at work.

Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body. Unless it’s Cancer … On Your Birthday.

On Burning Bridges and Nuzzling Adversity.

As an adult adoptee, the older I get the more mannerisms I see in myself from my parents. If there’s any question regarding the nature versus nurture debate, I can tell you firsthand that it hardly matters if you’re bought or birthed. By way of example, my brother (Jeff) and I were adopted from separate families and not related beyond sharing a last name, yet we both exhibit considerable features of our parents. If you were to meet Jeff, your first thought would likely be, “This guy’s an asshole, and nothing like his genteel Midwestern parents.” Though, he is fiscally responsible and likes khakis and hotel robes as they do. Whereas, I’m overtly kind, but a tragedy with money, and an aversion to chinos and shared monogrammed clothing.

Though I’ve gleaned countless positive characteristics from my parents, there are two traits I wish I never shared with them: anxiety and cancer – conditions that give no shits about heredity or lack thereof. Anxiety can come via “anxiety seed-planting” through our parents. Most often, however, it’s a result of a genetic predisposition combined with environmental factors. How you arrived at an angst-ridden life is not as important as how you manage one.

My dad, a clear victim of indecisiveness, often had me second-guessing my own choices, or not making one at all. To this day, if he thinks I made a less-than-prime choice, it has me strongly reconsidering – to the point I’m often paralyzed by an Applebee’s lunch menu.

With mom, I currently share the mixed blessing of cancer remission. I’m remarkably gracious to be in remission with her; but uncertain how as an athlete I succumbed to a smoker’s cancer diagnosis on my birthday. Or, far worse – how my mom was hit with an exceptionally rare stage IV breast cancer. I would take hers on if that was ever an option in my regular fantasy where some omnipotent entity grants us the power to switch maladies.

Being in this unique position, I’ve learned that the only thing worse than your own pain is helplessly watching a loved one suffer. The first being purely physical; the latter crushingly emotional. Yet it does not stop me from trying to will health or strength upon her.

There is always an upside or takeaway to every hardship, though it often takes time and distance to source it. In my instance, I am much closer to my parents through our shared experience caring for mom. Adversity also gave me the incentive to leave a dead-end job, and relegate my only sibling to the “acquaintance pool.” Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge. I regularly lean on prayer, daily gratitudes, and striving to stay rooted in the moment. Helpful tactics I would not have learned otherwise.

There is no education like struggle. Suffering is a conduit to empathy and awareness. Adversity yields purpose and refinement in life that can only come from life trials. Hug your family and your hardships. They’re trying to tell you something.

“Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.” – CS Lewis

If You’ve Ever Thought These 7 Things, You Might Have Relationship OCD (as featured at YourTango.com July 2018)

And the 10 Steps to Take if You Do.

The power of the human mind is wonderful and boggling – except when it turns on you while peppering your psyche with a staccato of queries about your relationship.

One minute your partner’s grandeur is so intense, it’s cartoonish. How did you ever land such a splendid fish? The next you’re spun into a vortex of doubt, placing them under intense analysis, and scrutinizing every nuance of the relationship, including their questionably thick eyebrows.

This barrage of errant thoughts and questions commonly arise in otherwise healthy relationships. The obsessions include judgments around their imperfections as a person and partner, or about the rightness of the relationship itself:

Why can’t he get that huge mole on his back removed?
Does her nose-have to whistle whenever she chews? Could I do better?
I just saw a hot guy at Starbucks, so am I in the wrong relationship?
Is he even smart enough for me?
Why aren’t we shmoopy like other couples?
There are times I’d rather look at Instagram than have sex with him. Am I staying in this relationship just to avoid hurting him?
Why don’t I miss her even though I’ve been at Coachella for three days?

The form of anxiety that comes with liking someone is so common that it has its own acronym: ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). The seemingly sublime onset of ROCD has led to many brain-worm Taylor Swift songs and vodka tonics pondering if you’re with the right person. You may avoid taking the next step in your relationship because you can’t get past their perceived flaws, or you might even quit dating altogether because no one seems good enough. You met them on a free dating app, after all.

ROCD has been receiving increasing research and clinical attention as a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in which the sufferer experiences intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality, and nature of their love for their partner. As with other forms of OCD, the fixations in ROCD focus on issues of doubt and an intense discomfort with uncertainty.

These obsessions often contain responding compulsive behaviors to include seeking reassurances or gauging one’s own feelings, comparing characteristics of one’s partner with those of other potential mates, or avoidance actions. The compulsions, which are intended to lessen the distress caused by unwanted thoughts, can take forms such as regularly asking friends or family if you have made the “right” choice in your partner; comparing your relationship to a previous exciting (often unhealthy) relationship, Internet searches about “the one,” finding that sex is a chore or eating a sandwich during sex, while fixated on that back mole or eyebrow shrub.

Relationships in which one partner has ROCD can be chaotic, ending in the sad, ironic twist that the dread of hurting or losing one’s partner often results in both.

From Where Does ROCD Arise?

You position your companion against idealistic projections of “real” love from episodes of The Bachelor, royal weddings, or the seething sexual chemistry in Trojan™ personal lubricant commercials. This is exacerbated by dating apps like Tinder and OK Cupid which have created an atmosphere of seemingly endless options, short-attention-span-dating, and The BBD (bigger, better, deal). We have commoditized ourselves, and dating has become transactional. It’s no wonder that our anxiety surrounding relationships, commitment, and marriage has shot up, while the principles of love and marriage run askew.

Add to this the notion of “soulmates,” which further ups the relationship anxiety ante. There’s a fantasy that guides many into seeking idyllic partners or soulmates. If you could find that perfect match you’ll be guaranteed a lifetime of relationship bliss, right?

Nope.

Research by Aurora University psychologist Renae Franiuk who studies people’s beliefs about their intimate partnerships, called “Implicit Theories of Relationships,” says “People who believe in soul mates may be setting themselves up for a lifetime of heartache and failed relationships. If you operate according to the soulmate theory of relationships, you constantly evaluate your dating partners against the idealized image of the man or woman who will be the one true love of your life. Once you’re in a relationship, even without your knowing it, you perform constant comparisons between the actual person you’re with and that ideal one-true-love model in your mind.”

There is a persistent idea that when we choose someone to be a long-term partner, s/he will be an incredible lover, hold fireside chats about Tolstoy, and take long beach saunters while sharing kale smoothies. OCD demands that there be no doubt in a person’s mind whether s/he has chosen the right person. To the ROCD sufferer, their obsession is, “I must know unequivocally that my partner is the absolute one for me.” This belief is steeped in anxiety. The anxiety, in turn, compels the person to engage in the compulsive behaviors in a vain attempt to arrive at certainty.

How to Counter ROCD:

The goal is to reduce ROCD symptoms enough to reach an informed decision regarding your relationship. Implement any of the following skills to move toward inner peace:

1. Let go or be dragged.

Radically accept that there is no way to know with 100% certainty whether any relationship will work out for the long-haul. If they make you happy, and you share similar values and goals, then Yahtzee! We all have flaws, and no relationship is perfect.

2. Remember thoughts and feelings do not equal facts.

Remind yourself that all OCD is rooted in irrational fears and lies to you with baseless obsessions, rituals, and ruminations. Just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true. And, if you have experienced past OCD symptoms, a relationship can easily become the new focus.

3. Expose yourself.

The most effective form of treatment for ROCD is called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This entails exposing yourself to the thoughts, images, objects, and situations that make you anxious and cue your obsessions, while not engaging in a compulsive behavior in attempts to alleviate the angst. For example, if you’re claustrophobic, take the elevator, not the stairs.

4. Daisy chain your obsessions.

If you mentally play-out the calamitous beliefs causing you distress, you will negate their power over you. For each obsession, ask “And what’s the worst that can happen?” until you get to the end and see that the worst result is not catastrophic. ROCD includes a gross overestimation of the negative consequences of staying in relationships or being alone.

5. Stop the comparisons.

Comparison is the fastest route to misery. Stop researching or collaborating with others about the fit of your partner. Check-in with yourself whenever you find you’re ruminating about the relationship. This includes comparing your real relationship with those nauseating social media versions that you can “thumbs-up” later when they inevitably split.

Attraction and arousal wax and wane. Expecting yourself to always find your partner attractive, or to always be interested in sex is setting yourself up for discontent.

6. Realize that risk is scary, but regret is scarier.

Be willing to sit with the anxiety caused by the thought that you may not be committing to the “right” person. To live life fully one must take risks, or face regrets. Once you stop pursuing a futile quest for certainty, you can move forward. Seeking assurances is a compulsion that increases OCD thinking patterns.

7. Give yourself the present of presence.

Mindfulness is a skill that is practiced and perfected little by little … like using chopsticks to eat a salad. Mindfulness meditation encourages the practitioner to observe wandering thoughts as they drift through the mind. The intention is not to get involved with the thoughts or to judge them, but simply to be aware of each mental note as it arises. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develops and you become Yoda-like.

Don’t worry — meditating is easier than you might think.

Sit or lie comfortably in a quiet setting. Close your eyes. Make no effort to control the breath; just breathe naturally. Maintain your focus and attention on your breath and on how your body moves with each inhalation and exhalation. Each time your mind drifts to your thoughts, refocus back to your breaths.

8. Grab a pen and get mighty.

Research has shown that journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively and even improve your health. University of Texas at Austin psychologist and researcher James Pennebaker found that regular journaling strengthens immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Writing about stressful events helps you accept them, thereby reducing the impact of the stressors on your mental and physical health.

9. Remember that you cannot control your thoughts.

And that’s okay! It may appear that you can, but it only backfires with more obsessions and compulsions. What matters is what we do with our thoughts. Pay attention to your breathing and notice where in your body you are feeling the melee. Stay with that for a few minutes. Then notice where you feel the most comfortable. Then stay with that. Shift back and forth slowly for about 15 minutes. Do this every day.

10. Get by with a little help.

Notice your past relationships. How often have similar doubts shown up in your life? If there is a pattern, do not break off the relationship until you have practiced these skills, or consulted with a professional therapist. Like other OCD symptoms, relationship OCD symptoms require psychological intervention if causing significant distress.

If you’re in a place where you’re ready to reach out for help, consider online therapy.

What’s Under His Suit? Depression and Anxiety (as featured at PsychCentral.com)

Let’s get candid about male mental health.

Men don’t get a lot of compassion — not as a gender, not toward one another, and not toward ourselves. We are the more impulsive, less refined gender that has not progressed much since our cave-dwelling days. We’ve learned to use a salad fork since then, however, and we pretend to enjoy chivalry.

Sadly — and perhaps due to our ruffian status — men are often perceived as an expendable lot, regularly sent to do life’s dirty work like unclogging municipal sewers, diffusing IEDs, repossessing tractors, or mining for coal and ore miles below Earth’s surface. When duty calls, somewhere a willing man answers.

It is our own culture that depicts men as the stronger sex.

This might be true when it comes to opening new bottles of ketchup, or scaling a tree to save a kitten. But when it comes to our mental health, men are subjected to a culture where the standards of masculinity are literally making us sick. Men make up most suicides, and the minority of mental health service users.

It’s a misnomer that men have only two feelings: hungry and horny. Male anxiety, depression, and suicide has become a silent crisis, and one of the biggest challenges in combating mental health disorders in men is that they are difficult to reach through traditional methods, like physicians or mental health programs. Moreover, the condition is often masked by risky behaviors, self-harm, and substance abuse.

Anxiety and depression run feral and cloaked within men everywhere. Most just channel or compartmentalize it while it individually displays as forms of fatigue or apathy; insomnia or lethargy; substance abuse; irritability; conflict and anger; isolation; impulsivity and risky behaviors; mood swings; relationship and job problems; denial; self-criticism; aches, pains, or digestive problems; indecision; and suicidal thoughts.

I personally distracted from my anxiety and depression with feats of athleticism and binge drinking, resulting in 13 orthopedic surgeries and countless broken bones. I had no choice but to become a writer. My hands were the only thing not in a cast or physical therapy.

Emotions have no gender.

Most men are too obstinate or ashamed to seek help for anything involving our head except a nail from a pneumatic gun or balding. Sadly, men must hide behind the facades they feel pressed to create. Men have come to accept many things, but being considered weak isn’t one of them. Yet forms of anxiety like PTSD are diseases of the tough-minded.

Mental disorders and illness don’t care if you’re a war vet, foreman, or florist. They’re an indiscriminate mind sweeper. It can happen to anyone, any age and any gender. And it’s not just “all in your head.” It’s a medical problem that can wreak havoc 24/7 like any other ailment on any other organ.

How to Mind Your Mind:

JUST DO IT … LATER. Mental breaks increase productivity, replenish attention, solidify memories and encourage creativity. Schedule downtime to do nothing. Consider practicing some relaxation techniques. This can include simple meditative breathing exercises, or guided meditations available on YouTube or via smartphone apps. The best way to get your brain and body to work at their peak is to take rest breaks.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE IS THE NEW DENIAL. One option you have for any problem is Radical Acceptance (Linehan, 1993). Radical acceptance is about radically accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot change. Radically and mindfully accept that you cannot control everything, and let life live you.

COFFEE AND BOOZE LIE TO YOU. Caffeine sets unrealistic expectations of your daily productivity and can spike anxiety. Though low doses (200 mg) of caffeine is known to improve cognitive performance, studies revealhigher anxiety levels in moderate and high caffeine consumers versus abstainers.

On the other hand, alcohol is a depressant which slows down the brain and the central nervous system’s processes. Alcohol may help deal with stress in the short term, but long term it can contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety and make stress harder to deal with.

LET ME HEAR YOUR BODY TALK. Exercise is a phenomenal antidepressant and anti-anxiety tool. Channel nervous energy, stress, and even depression into a regular exercise program. More than the physical upside, there is the social aspect in structure, and seeing regulars and friends. Exercise improves mental health by reducing anxiety, depression, and stress, while improving self-esteem and cognitive functioning (Richardson CR, Faulkner G, and McDevitt J. Et al. Psychiatric Serv. 2005 56:324–331).

YOUR BED IS A TIME MACHINE TO PANCAKES. Serial killers are just regular people on too little sleep. Promote good sleep hygiene. Get to bed early and at the same time each night. Turn off the electronics to turn off your brain. Sleep problems greatly exacerbate stress and anxiety. Research indicates that REM sleep may play an especially significant role in maintaining emotional well-being and psychological balance.

YOUR CHEAT MEAL SHOULDN’T BE A MONTH LONG. Some say that you can’t spell “salad” without “sad.” But there is a direct correlation between a healthy diet and a positive mindset. During times of stress, we often turn to traditional “comfort” foods like fast food, pizza, and ice cream, which make us feel sluggish and less able to deal with stress. Brain food such as the antioxidants in fruits and vegetables, is thought to improve cognitive function, and can be used at preventing or treating many stress-related mental disorders (The Journal of Medical Investigation, Vol. 51, 2004).

PLUG YOUR BEAK. By controlling your breathing, you will slow your heartbeat and eliminate anxiety and panic. Try alternate nostril breathing (aka, yogic breathing). This is a simple, natural breathing technique from Ayurvedic medicine that brings the body and mind into a state of balance and neutrality. Close one nostril by placing your thumb gently over it. Exhale; then inhale through the uncovered nostril. After each inhale/exhale (a breath cycle), switch sides. Then, leading with your out-breath, do one out-breath followed by one in-breath through each nostril. Repeat this series, alternating nostrils after each inhalation. It will likely be easier to breathe through one nostril than the other. You’re not deformed. It’s normal.

I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL THANK YOU. Being grateful by focusing on gratitude improves physical health. According to a 2012 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and report feeling healthier. Not only does gratitude do the obvious work of increasing how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly robs the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so bad. Cite three things for which you are grateful each day, no matter how small.

BECOME A FREAK OF NATURE. A 2015 Stanford study found quantifiable evidence that walking in nature can reduce stress and lead to a lower risk of depression. By 2050, 70% of people will live in urban areas. Urbanization is associated with increased levels of mental illness, but it’s not yet clear why.

PHONE A FREUD. There is no shame in seeking help. If stress, anxiety, or depression disrupts your life or daily activities, get a mental spotter. It is imperative to know when to seek professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning. Make an appointment with your doctor or a mental health provider because you may need treatment to get better. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment for anxiety. Self-medicating is not. You can find a trustworthy mental health professional HERE.

Don’t believe everything your mind tells you.

ANXIETY: Find the Humor, Find the Cure (as featured at ADAA.com, March 2018)

The first time I saw a flameless cigarette lighter anywhere but a car was on an enclosed patio wall of the Oakland psychiatric facility where my therapist had sent me due to anxiety and depression. Smoking was the only vice afforded to us. Though even while despondent, I wasn’t interested in adding nicotine to a budding alcohol addiction. Perhaps I had hope after all.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. – Friedrich Nietzsche

I left triage a few days later, knowing the next bout of crippling anxiety or profound depression was a breakup or mere bad day away. I had no more coping skills than I did before arriving. Beyond therapy and medication, I needed to find a motive to get right with the world and somehow thrive.

I began to journal and noticed a subtle pattern throughout my anxious behaviors. Humor. Many of my anxiety-related mannerisms are dysfunctional, but laughable and cathartic. By way of example:

I have never sat on a public toilet – including hotel rooms. I now have sturdy quads.
I wear medical exam gloves during gym workouts. Dumbbells and people are filthy.
I have extraordinary ability (aka, Spidey-sense) to detect and avert imminent danger. Though not exactly crucial in my quiet suburb.
I go to notable lengths to avoid shaking hands with someone – like feigning leprosy, or resorting to casual fist-bumps in formal situations.
I will walk 50-yards around anyone that coughs or sneezes indoors, or leave the building and my reason for being there entirely.
When someone in my condo complex recently reported bedbugs, I immediately packed and moved. I no longer share walls. Or the potential for vermin.

Mark Twain was prescient in stating, “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.” Studies confirm that laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a chemical in the brain that creates a sense of joy. These endorphins counter the adrenaline and cortisol that fill the anxious. The calmer we are, the more we remain in rational or positive mind.

Moreover, humor is clinically validated to reduce stress long-term by improving the immune system through the release of neuropeptides, relieving pain, increasing personal satisfaction, and lessening depression and anxiety (source: Mayo Clinic, April 21, 2016). The simple act of smiling causes the brain to release dopamine, which in turn makes us feel happy.

Our thoughts affect our body, and vice versa. Anxiety in the mind creates a stress response in the body. Conversely, calming the body will yield positive cerebral results. All physiological functions are linked, and the mind-body connection is especially strong.

Perhaps most impactful to the sufferer, however, is that humor provides a unique and unrivaled perspective that shifts our thinking away from despair and toward the awareness that a radically different outcome is possible. Humor is the most accessible form of relief. It may initially feel counterintuitive to associate humor with misery. But sourcing the comical manifestations can separate you from your affliction. It’s also how I salvaged my life.

So how do you find the lighter or even amusing side of a debilitating disorder? First recognize that what you’re feeling might be an irrational anxiety. Now dig a bit deeper. What are the potentially laughable nuances of your anxiety? Maybe you occasionally freak-out when you text someone about something seemingly dire and don’t hear back for a while. Your rumination and worry churns into resounding panic, yielding a volley of additional texts – all met with successive silence. Next you concoct a series of worst-case scenarios about why they’re not responding to you; not limited to them driving off a bluff while reading your original text, or deciding they just don’t like you anymore. And just as you’re texting a coup de gras, they reply. It’s like the Heavens opened and gossamer-winged angels descend upon you because it came with a heart emoji.

Alternatively, perhaps you get uncomfortable during long pauses in a conversation. Even a few moments feel far too angst-ridden, so you fill the void with a non-sequitur about your husband’s botched hysterectomy, or you ask your boss how her divorce is going. Your attempts at social stimulus are met with chirping crickets. And, now scorn. Embrace your angst with a cozy smattering of acceptance, and remember that Humor = Calamity + Time. Gain some intellectual distance from your anxiety, and you’ll start to perceive the humor within your anxious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

When you acknowledge your anxiety, and detach yourself from it (i.e., you are not your anxiety), you can then take note of the humor. In turn, you will feel a sense of control over your anguish. Find the humor, and you’ll feel the hope for a better state of mind.

It is well known that humor, more than anything else in the human make-up, can afford an aloofness and an ability to rise above any situation, even if only for a few seconds. – Viktor Frankl

20 Pros & Cons of Social Media Use (as seen in “Success Magazine,” December 2017)

My generation grew up in an era not known for leaps in technological advances. The lack of fun, lithium-ion powered iThings forced us to engage in antiquated traditions like going outside, socializing or reading. On the upside, living offline allowed us to keep screw-ups to limited audiences. We also experienced less bullying, anxiety and depression than later peers.

Today, we often perceive anyone who shuns social media as old or out of touch. However, they might be the most mentally fit among us. In reality, most people have little awareness of the frequency with which they check their phones. In a 2015 study, participants checked their phones an average of 85 times each day and spent 5.05 hours per day using their smartphone. This is concerning because several studies and researchers have associated social media with several psychiatric disorders, including depressive symptoms, anxiety and low self-esteem.

Consider these 10 notable pro and con stances regarding social media use.

PROS:

Messaging on social media sites can lead to face-to-face interactions when plans are made via the sites.
Social media increases voter participation and facilitates political change.
Social media helps reduce loneliness of senior citizens who are socially isolated.
Social media allows for quick diffusion of public health and safety information during crisis events.
The U.S. military and the Department of Veterans Affairs use social media to help prevent suicide.
Social media can help disarm social stigmas like anxiety or depression.
Crowdsourcing on social media allows people to attain a goal, empowering users to achieve positive change.
Social media provides academic research to a wider audience, allowing people access to previously inaccessible educational resources.
Social media sites can help improve overall well-being by providing users with a large social group creating a “contagion” effect.
Professional networking sites like LinkedIn greatly assist companies to find personnel and job seekers to find work.

CONS:

Social media posts cannot be entirely deleted.
Social media can endanger our military, journalists and activists.
Social media use is associated with personality and brain disorders.
Students who are heavy social media users tend to have lower grades.
Social media can exacerbate feelings of disconnect and put children at higher risk for anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders and even suicide.
Criminals can use social media to commit and promote crimes.
Social media can be a drain on time and use up hours that you can’t get back.
Advertising practices of social media sites may create an invasion of privacy.
Social media facilitates sexting, which can lead to revenge porn, criminal charges and a proliferation of personal images.
Social media use can cause personality and brain disorders, ADHD and self-centered personalities—particularly in youth.

Clinical psychologist and author of The Teen Girl’s Survival Guide, Dr. Lucie Hemmen writes that, “Most people experience huge benefits from taking a social media break. There is a way in which cultivating and maintaining your online identity can replace an authentic connection to your true self. The more grounded you are in your authentic value as a human being, the less likely you are to be a heavy user of social media and also to be negatively affected by it.”

For example, if you know that your value is deeper and more complex than what you post and how many likes and comments you receive, then you are probably social media resilient.

The more grounded you are in your authentic value as a human being, the less likely you are to be a heavy user of social media and also to be negatively affected by it.

Grab Your Coat – it’s Breakup Season!

This is the time of year that Americans pack on a pound or few, while a quiet majority actually loses weight. Like an average of an entire boyfriend/girlfriend.

Fall is summer’s hangover. During summer we are often busy with vacations, events, outings, and cruising through the long, action-packed days of our relationships. Any musings whether or not we want to stay with someone are filed away for later appraisal. Come November, when we set the clocks back, a disproportionate number also set their relationships back … to over. Sometimes all that holds a summer connection together is a late August trip to Sea World. Enough distraction can make the most dysfunctional tryst last too long. Oftentimes a willing, warm body is better than the quest for one.

And for those longing for a summer wedding of their own – or at least an engagement – the close of another summer brings the realization that it won’t happen for another calendar year. Therein buds the seeds of relational doubt.

People take this instance to end it because the idea of spending another holiday unhappy is unbearable. According to social media status updates, the first seasonal breakup peak, coined the “Spring Clean,” goes down in March. But the biggest love purge befalls about two weeks before the winter holidays. Fall is love’s laxative. At least take a turkey leg on your way out.

“Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest.”

Dumping someone over a holiday like Thanksgiving is harsh. And doing it over the December Holidays just makes you a hole in the ass. But it yields timeless tunes like “Blue Christmas” (Elvis); “Another Lonely Christmas” (Prince and the Revolution); “Last Christmas” (WHAM!) or the lesser known classic “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” (Tom Waits). The list of Holiday breakup songs is long; each marinated in tears and Paxil.

Breakups suck. So does starting a new year with someone best relegated to the annals of boyfriend/girlfriend history. And if you don’t do it by the New Year, you’ll be a Valentine’s Day dumper, which will result in unsavory karmic mojo. So if you’re not willing to stick it out through the candy hearts and edible undies, than you’ve got to extract in early fall. Most of us – particularly men – are too oblivious to take note of any relationship discontent. We’re busy with snow sports and putting on a high-caloric winter coat.

“… We interrupt this relationship to bring you football and snowmobiling season.”

I’d love to convey all the scientific attributes to the fall peak in breakups, but love doesn’t make sense. Neither did the pilgrims. But if I were to guess, I’d say it can be ascribed to any of the following:

He didn’t like your family.
She’s a vegan and you won’t stop eating chicken tenders in bed.
He gets wasted every New Year’s Eve and promises this will be his year of steady employment.
She makes you attend Ugly Sweater parties and you’re allergic to cotton-knit blends … and fun.
It’s snowboard season and you’d like to find a new snow-bunny.
She makes you axe-murder a 20-foot Douglas fir to adorn in tinsel to slowly watch die indoors.
On trips home to see your family, he claps whenever the plane lands.

The coming season is a check-in marker: Do I want to spend the New Year with this person? The holidays can be quite stressful on romantic relationships due to time constraints, high expectations, financial strain, and fruitcake. Celebrating meaningfully is hard to do with someone you are ready to break up with, or who is ready to break up with you. As devastating the timing and blow, it’s better to know.

Dating sites typically report January as the peak time for new members. If things must end now, at least you’ll have a couple of months to grieve before reinventing yourself, full of vigor in the New Year. There are other upsides to a fall breakup. There is a good chance you will have family and friends on which to lean over the Holidays. Misery loves company and stuff. And though you may be asking yourself with whom you’ll play Naughty Santa or drunk-kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve, you weren’t always a love-duo during the Holidays. There was a time that you rolled like a Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Lawrence through Diwali, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Christmas. You reveled in merriment and the cockles of your heart were independently warmed.

ME: “I want a unicorn for Christmas.”
SANTA: “Be realistic.”
ME: “Okay, I want a girlfriend.”
SANTA: “What color do you want your unicorn?”

In my own Holiday breakup, I was dating a beautiful, thirty-something blonde in San Francisco named “Katie.” We had been dating exclusively for a few months, and I was excited about our potential future. It was early December, and I opted to surprise her with a pricey and shapely conifer. It was pretty the sexiest farm-raised tree I’d ever seen. I plunked down the cash, lovingly placed it in my truck and made the hour drive north to San Francisco, where I triple-parked on a sidewalk just to get it into her tiny, $3,700 per month studio where, once untethered, it filled all 450 sq. feet. By morning, however, our relationship ended when she picked a huge argument while in a fit of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I never saw her or the tree again. I still miss the scent. Of the tree.

How to Keep Your Post-Breakup Holiday Swagger:

Spend time with family. They know all your deviancies and flaws, and still love you.
Rum and eggnog.
Volunteer! It’s the perfect time to start a giving tradition. And you might meet a hottie at the soup kitchen with a heart as big as yours. Start HERE.
Take a Holiday trip. Not to the mall, but to Bali or anywhere with vast stretches of white sand, brown legs, and neon drinks.
Breakup calories don’t count if eating your emotions makes you feel better. But go easy. You’ll hate yourself come spring when you can’t see your knees.
Learn to make candles. Everyone loves a candle. Maybe not – but I do. So send them to me.
Make a kick-ass music playlist to keep you amped. Nothing you listened to together, and no garbage like Maroon 5 or Adam Levine not marooned.
Once you put down the powdered rum balls, hit the gym or trails. Make exercise and yourself a priority
Pay no mind to the seemingly happy couples you see canoodling during the Holidays. Statistically, there is a 50% chance they’re headed for similar demise at some point.
Most importantly, fill your social calendar. Not with binge-drinking events like SantaCon – but substantial time with people who matter. Holiday breakup buddies are vital.
Do the opposite of what your sadness or breakup depression is driving you to do, like be alone. It’s the perfect time to make the new year all about you and your comeback.

And try to skip rebound sex under the presumption that, “The quickest way over one, is under another.” This is a brief distractor that invariably turns into date-therapy and sound-boarding your woes on to some innocent sex-philanthropist gracious enough to get naked with this dejected version of you. Your sole focus is limiting carnage to yourself or some unwary prey from Tinder or Bumble. This type of “cleansing the sex palate” often leads to things like herpes and child support.

“I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going well, Like…it’s working out. I think I’m the one.” – Emily Heller

20 Stealthy Mental Filters That Are Sabotaging You (as seen in “Success Magazine,” October 2017)

There is no upside to negative thinking. It does not prep you for life events, ward off malicious mojo or prevent worrisome outcomes. It does the opposite. It also causes face furrows, addictions, mental disorders, insomnia and heart disease. Most of us unknowingly use automatic thought distortions (aka, mental filters) to subvert ourselves. When we stop, we become models of happiness, positive energy and efficiency.

A mental filter is one type of cognitive distortion. It is a biased way of thinking about ourselves or the world around us. The core issue lies within the troubling emotional states and behaviors yielded by these irrational thoughts and beliefs that include unpleasant mental states and behaviors like anxiety, depression and conflicts.

There are dozens of common mental filters we use within our daily lives. Here are 20 that will directly inhibit or prevent your daily joy and successes.

Negative predicting involves foretelling the future in a negative light. There are typically just as many reasons something can go right. Assuming you will nervously botch an upcoming presentation is just a thought steeped in pessimism. Channel that nervous energy into poise and a standing O.
Unrelenting standards is the mindset that extremely high standards are required to avoid calamity. There are often no measurable benefits of doing a task beyond a basic acceptable level, and many such tasks exceed opportunity costs. The question is not, “‘Does anal retentive’ have a hyphen?” The question is, “Does it matter?”
Black and white thinking allows no middle ground or shades of gray. It’s a “nothing succeeds like excess” sort of mindset. Such polarized thinking fails to recognize that there are usually other reasonable options. If you insist on all or nothing, you will likely end up with nothing.
Musterbation involves having steadfast rules about how you and others should or must behave. The emotional consequence when expectations are not met is anger, frustration, resentments and guilt. The road to hell is paved with “shoulds” and “oughts.”
Self-serving bias. For many, being right is more important than the facts or feelings of others. However, this thinking pattern has deep consequences such as alienation from others, and a difficulty in forming and sustaining healthy relationships. Do you want to be peaceful, or do you want to be lonely and right?
Basing future decisions on sunk costs. Whether a tanking stock, a bad relationship or a failing business, cutting losses is tough. Sunk costs occur due to emotional attachments that lead to irrational investing despite mounting losses. Sort of like casino gambling.
Fallacy of fairness distortion assumes that things have to be measured based on fairness and equality, when in reality things often don’t work that way. Life isn’t fair for everyone, so doesn’t that make life fair?
Underestimating coping ability to handle negative events is a mindset of many who have not previously been held to the fire. What doesn’t kill you gives you coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.
Entitlement is a filter that causes the belief that the same rules that apply to others should not apply to you. You can’t spell “entitlement” without “i” and “me.” But imagine a world where a sense of service and gratitude replaced entitlement and expectation.
Repeating the same behavior hoping for different results is Einstein’s definition of insanity. For example, expecting that if you keep nagging your direct reports that they will meet deadlines, when it hasn’t happened yet.
Personalizing is a thought distortion and belief that things others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to you. This type of thinking can also cause you to blame yourself for things outside your control. You can’t please everyone. You’re not pizza.
Blaming is the opposite of personalizing, but a lot more satisfying. Blaming is a mental filter where you hold other people responsible for your adversities.
In-group bias is a tendency to trust and respect people who are like you more than those from different backgrounds and experiences. For an enriching paradigm shift, consider tapping into the brain trust of those outside your circle of influence. Smart and inclusive looks good on anyone.
Overthinking is a mindset that worry and rumination will lead to solutions. Overthinking can actually impair our problem-solving ability and is a direct route to unhappiness. If you question the answers too many times, you will never answer the questions.
Multitasking doesn’t extend beyond peeing in the shower. When you are multitasking, you are actually task (and attention) shifting. We are born to monotask. Multitasking is doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.
Failure to chill. According to a report by job site Glassdoor, only 23 percent of workers surveyed said they used all of their paid time off in the last 12 months. Taking the time to revitalize reduces anxiety and depression while increasing productivity. You need more than just restroom breaks.
Cheating on your goals in lieu of making it up later. Spending workdays on your fantasy football draft with plans to make it up later in the week is self-sabotage. Often, your planned positive behaviors never happen. Goals come in two flavors: one day or day one. You decide.
Doubling-down on a failed strategy hoping it will eventually yield positive results. Long ago, Kenny Rogers taught us, “You got to know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em.” There is a fine line between genius and insanity. Don’t erase that line.
Catastrophizing is being extremely well educated about all the things that could go wrong while always expecting the worst. A person who is catastrophizing might lose a sale and instantly think he or she will be fired and live in a van eating ramen and regret.
“I can’t change my way of thinking.” Rather than convincing yourself that changing mentalities is too hard, aim for small reductions in your negative automatic thoughts, at 10 percent, for example. You will immediately obtain benefits while working toward the goal. You can still see the glass as half-full. Just not half-full of poison.

How to Change Thinking Patterns and Cognitive Distortions

Thought patterns and mental filters change through a process called cognitive restructuring or reframing. By adjusting your automatic thoughts each day, you can influence your emotions and behaviors.

Identify your automatic negative thoughts (cognitive distortions).

Create a list of your troublesome thoughts. An examination of your cognitive distortions allows you to recognize which distortions you favor.

What—if any—evidence is there to support them?

Try to identify the basis for your distorted thoughts, and then challenge them. What evidence do you truly have to support these beliefs? There are likely far more instances where you had success and things went well.

Peer review.

Seek the opinions of others about whether your thoughts and outlooks are accurate. If you truly believe that your colleagues have it in for you, refer to a few trusted peers for objectivity.

Find the shades of gray.

Rather than thinking about your situation in a black or white polarity, assess things on a scale of 0 to 100. Things not materialized can be seen as partial successes rather than failures. Those partial victories are the savory gradations.

Don’t believe everything you think.

Tackling Teen Anxiety (as seen in Diablo Magazine, June 2017)

A Fremont native’s new book helps parents of teens struggling with anxiety.

BY LOU FANCHER

When he was 13, Jon Patrick Hatcher began cutting himself, and he wrestled with years of substance abuse and panic attacks. As his parents struggled to understand him, they decided their son would benefit from professional help. Talk therapy—and Hatcher’s instinctive sense of humor—were key to helping him accept, acknowledge, and manage his anxiety.

Decades later, Hatcher, who got an M.A. from Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo, met Thomas McDonagh, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist in San Francisco. It was a perfect matchup that led to their new book, 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety: Simple Tips, Techniques, and Strategies for Overcoming Anxiety, Worry, and Panic Attacks.

Hatcher writes with a touch of humor, a tool he still uses to combat the anxiety he will never completely eliminate. We talked to the Fremont-raised author about his new book, why talk therapy is so effective, and practical things parents can do—and not do—to help their teenagers struggling with anxiety.

Q: Why did you write 101 Ways?

A: You can survive is really my message. If you look at the most brilliant minds on the planet, people like Einstein, they suffer a double-edged sword of depression and anxiety. The premise I want to get out is that it’s OK: Anxiety doesn’t define the rest of your life, and there are therapies designed to get you through it. If this reaches one kid out there and helps [him or her], that’s my mission.

Q: What should parents know about teen anxiety?

A: When teens react in an anxious state, they perceive the world in a vastly different, threatening way. A teen might act like a ferocious animal. If they self-
medicate, that might add to the out-of-control impression. What works isn’t telling a teen to calm down; it’s empathy and diplomacy that work best.

Q: What are some things parents can do to help their kids cope with anxiety?

A: Pay close attention to your [children’s] symptoms and what they might be telling you, while not discounting their feelings. Remind your [teens] that anxiety is what they’re feeling and not who they are. Keep in mind that anxiety is not an indicator of poor parenting. Anxiety disorders affect over 25 percent of all teens. Try to keep your fears to yourself and present a positive—or at least neutral—assessment and attitude of the situation. Consider adding some humor where you’re able. Humor is proven to help us deal with disappointments and uncertainties.

Model positive behavior and good self-care. If you take care of yourself, your child will learn that self-care is an important facet. Promote good sleep. A lack of sleep alone can lead to problematic anxiety. Help them get into a routine that prepares them for relaxation. This can include simple meditative breathing exercises or guided meditations. After asking them to share their fears and anxieties, prompt them to problem solve what is causing them anxiety, and help them to develop an actionable plan to counter their distress. Once you have implemented some of the aforementioned, keep the momentum [going]. Only through repetition of anxiety management techniques will your child learn how to counter and manage future stressful scenarios or periods of anxiety—particularly if the anxiety is long-term or chronic.

Q: What should parents not do?

A: Avoid making the problem worse: If parents haven’t had anxiety themselves, they might unintentionally create more anxiety by telling their teen that there’s dangerous stuff out there. Don’t overreact to teen drama. Remember, the teen brain is undergoing constant change. Offer empathy and help from a mental health professional.

Q: Why did you use humor in this book, and in what ways do you find humor useful – or even necessary?

A: The most successful, inadvertent coping technique I developed to alleviate anxiety in my own life is by sourcing the humor in the angst. That said, it definitely does not take away from the serious nature of the subject. Nor does it trivialize anyone’s suffering. It simply makes the material more approachable and relatable.

Q: How can teens avoid becoming overwhelmed?

A: The media show dramatic situations; news headlines make it seem like the world is falling apart; social media is like a mental filter that causes misperception. [Limit] time spent on social media platforms. Start with creating phone-free times. Parents might consider spending time offering their children specific alternatives to daily social media use that include school- or community-based sports, academic and social clubs, pursuing creative or artistic interests, and even volunteering. Engaging in talk therapy with a licensed psychologist [is also] important for managing extreme anxiety.

Q: What are your thoughts on medicating kids who suffer from anxiety versus using talk therapy?

A: I do feel we’re overmedicating kids. Parents [often] demand it, physicians feel put on the spot, and teens aren’t getting the skills they need in therapy. That said, there’s definitely a place for medication in chronic anxiety and depression—especially if a teen talks of suicide and practices self-harm. A pill is easy, and the effect is quicker than acquiring the skills of therapy. But the skills are going to last longer and have fewer side effects. I emphasize therapies and say always bring in a medical professional for medication and a licensed psychologist for mental health support.

Q: Therapy can be effective in managing teen stress, but what can we do about the stigma attached to mental health issues like depression and anxiety?

A: We’ve come a long way, but kids are still bullied, mental health is played down, and kids are told they’re flawed. Cutbacks in programs to help people who need mental health support have made it worse. A lot of people play down the suffering of any mental illness. The brain is an organ like any part of the human body. We don’t say the person with diabetes suffers insulin shock on purpose. We have to have more empathy.

Q: What other types of therapies have you found to be most helpful?

A: Evidence-based therapies that are the most researched and effective that helped me are cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. Cognitive breaks down anxiety into thoughts, behaviors, and physical symptoms. It involves identifying and disputing irrational thoughts. Dialectical builds on the foundation of cognitive to help enhance it’s effectiveness and address specific concerns.

Q: What should a teen experiencing extreme anxiety do immediately?

A: Go to an adult to ask for help. If teens feel different, if they think bad thoughts and don’t know why, they need to talk to an adult who is close. For immediate relief, they should use the four-by-four-by-four breathing technique recommended in my book. [Breathe in for four seconds; hold for four seconds; breathe out for four seconds. Do it four times.] It is clinically proven to calm the body. stateofanxiety.com.