Some relationships end quietly in mutually flowing tears, while others terminate in a volley of profanities and Tupperware®. Men are often oblivious to the underlying signs preceding a breakup. We’re guys – the gender caught fornicating pumpkins in well-lit fields. I was completely blindsided to my worst breakup. It sucked the air from my chest as I patted my torso searching for an entry wound. Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.
I taunt you with my emptiness.
The majority of women quietly consider dumping a guy within the first few months. Beyond that demarcation, we often settle into our comfort zone and don’t give getting dumped a second thought – even when they are. Some of the reasons for a split are measurably easier on a breakup recipient than others. If you were caught cheating, for example, you might carry a hefty load of regret. But if you refused to squat-pee to keep her bathroom tile clean, your sorrow will be inconsequential.
How to know the axe cometh:
1. Indifference – the arguments aren’t even worth it anymore
2. You’re the last to know things
3. She does the stuff you always wanted to do with her – with everyone but you
4. The sex is less frequent or performed from another room
5. You don’t talk much when you’re alone
6. Her response times to you are equal to her zest to do laundry
7. She picks fights to obtain distance
8. She avoids touching you – even if you fall on her
9. Her belongings start making their way elsewhere
10. She’s not making any plans with you unless it’s taking her to the airport
11. She avoids events with your friends and family
12. She tries to kill you
Though it’s sometimes our penis that leads to demise, it’s often the women we choose.
“Did it hurt when you fell out of the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?”
Uncertainty and green discharge when you pee are intriguing, but rarely healthy. At least get her full name so you can file a police report later. There is a steep price for having sex with crazy girls. Crazy girls love sex, because it’s their only value-add. They’re emotionally unstable and feel a need to be punished due to whatever poor relationships they had with their parents or dad. Crazy girls are great in bed because they have to be, or they would never land a man. Do you want a relationship outside the bedroom? If so, crazy is coming with ya. Better find her a nice dress.
Single is the new married.
Of course, there exist some negatives to being single. For men, this takes the form of things like not having someone with whom to do the mundane. None of your buddies are coming over to the flip the mattress or shop for a duvet. And you won’t have anyone to adorn in a pink jersey version of your favorite NFL team on Sundays. But there is a lot of upside to being single; like watching marathons of Dating Naked. You’ll stay in better shape too – which is necessary, since statistics show that singles have a better time in the bedroom. And you won’t lose any limbs from another body cutting-off your circulation in bed. A domesticated man is often a fat and lazy one, who moves slowly and only under duress.
“I want a girlfriend, but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Like do I just have sex with her and then leave her alone in the corner? And how often do they eat?”
Interestingly, people only lived to about 25 when marriage began. “Til death do us part” wasn’t a huge commitment when people died 10 years later. Now what we are living longer, we need the peacekeeping and negotiating tactics of NATO.
Men hate appletinis and starting over.
But we are evolutionarily wired for breakups. Just as we’re able to endure sneeze-fits and Adam Sandler movies, we are inherently designed to experience and overcome not just one, but many breakups. Overcoming breakups is in our DNA. From pleated Khakis to roller-blades, men are commonly the last to accept what is good for us. Given humans dependence on relationships for good health, it makes sense that the pathways linked to social attachment are also responsible for physical pain. The next time you find yourself thinking about your ex, don’t be so hard on yourself. Your brain is doing everything it can be doing to get over it. Time and inherited neural plasticity heal all psychological wounds. Science says so.