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breakup shrink

Breakup Advice: Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke – or, if it is

Don't cut yourself on the pieces of broken people

There’s not enough glue in the world …

Dr. McDonagh and I receive a lot of emails and posts at State of Anxiety from heartache sufferers who could’ve and should have completely avoided their relationship pain and melee to begin with. Why?? Because the object of their affection was broken. It’s inherent in our nature to want to ‘right the ship’ and repair what’s not working. That’s all fine. Unless what’s not functioning comes with genitalia. Then it’s always best to leave the broken pieces where you found them, and back away. There’s a time to lend a hand, and a time for self-preservation and sprinting. I speak with a stunning degree of credibility, as I was once a “fixer” myself back in the day. I saw broken women as, “Challenge accepted! Where do I sign??” when I should have yelled, “Challenge averted! Where’s the [email protected] exit?!”

When a ’67 Shelby Mustang isn’t running right, you can tweak the carburetor, or replace the plugs. When a woman isn’t running right, you can’t fine tune her brain. Nor can you love and snuggle her into mental and emotional health. Dating a broken individual is akin to jumping in the deep-end to save someone from drowning. They will violently flail just before taking you down in their death grip. Even if you were (hypothetically) able to save them, you’ll incur an egregious amount of kicks, elbows, and head-butts before hoisting them to safety. More often than not, however, you’ll sink into the abyss together; your lungs filled with hair, water, and regret. As it is with dating the emotionally unstable man or woman. If you think s/he can be fixed over time, through struggle-snuggles and good advice, then it’s you who needs attention.

FIX YOUR “PICKER” NOT THE PERSON.

When someone selects a mate of this unsavory origin, they focus all efforts on the repair process, while toiling incessantly at the relationship – yet, it never seems right. Because it’s not. And, no amount of alcohol, coercion, grit, and tears will alter the outcome. The union is riddled with strife, imbalance, dissatisfaction, and unrequited love. And, like an Adam Sandler movie, it’s doomed to fail.

By the time we at State of Anxiety hear from the weary lover-turned-therapist, it’s at their point of perilous acquiescence. They’ve tried everything, to no avail. Not surprisingly, even the mental defector him/herself is telling them to “Move on. Don’t wait around. Save yourself …” while cray-cray pants tries to securely fasten their head back to their torso. Still, the misanthropic, bewildered lover insanely stays the course , assured they can make things right. That’s stinkin’ thinkin’ my friend. It would take months, years, or a lifetime of therapy to get Beezy Brokenbrain back on course. Are you a therapist?? Yes? Then you know better to date this genre. You’re not? Then call one for him/her and politely excuse yourself to the restroom to slither out the 2nd floor window. The fall will do you good.

Rather than trying to repair the person of interest, you’re far better served to fix your selection process (aka, “picker”) so that you never choose someone so emotionally stunted again. There’s a reason you chose Captain Chaos. Take some personal inventory to determine why that is. Then don’t repeat. The irony is that the crux of the problem in these types of relationships is … you. Just like it was once me. There is something internal driving you toward this self-destructive behavior.

I won’t be so bold as to predict the myriad of reasons you decided Suzy Rottenmind was worth your time and sanity. I already know the sex was good. Sex with a train-wreck always is. For me, it was more complicated. I sought emotional instability and chaos in relationships. Without it, I was bored. I thrived on the deranged. And, there’s never a shortage. Those were the only relationships I found sexually charged and rife with chemistry. Talk about bad science. When faced with an emotionally sound and stable woman, and I’d sneak out of her bed at night to crawl through the bars of the women’s correctional hospital.

I’m hoping this pattern is not indicative of your own. It took years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for me to end my own self-destructive course. How amazing would it be to not replicate the failures of others, such as myself? Yes, that was rhetorical. I’m actually telling you not to replicate my failures.

If they’re broke, don’t fix ’em.

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety

TeenAnxiety-PRO7 (3)

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety is a funny and significant resource for any teen experiencing anxiety, and currently available at major retailers such as Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart, and Amazon, or here: Ulysses Press.

Nationwide surveys report that today’s teens feel significantly more stressed than any other generation. Whether they face problems with school, friends, parents, or all of the above, teens will find a wide variety of easy, stress-coping methods in 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety.

Based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), the most widely used and popular anxiety therapy among clinicians, the book helps teens simultaneously accept the existence of their negative emotions and choose to respond in healthy ways.

The authors also provide clear and concise explanations of the causes,   symptoms, and types of anxiety so that readers can stop attacks before they even begin. Teens cannot control what they think or feel, but they can control how they behave. Now, by following the proven and simple-to-use exercises they can achieve peace.

 

 

Breakup Advice: Go ghost

Go_GhostI’d like to address a timely trend we are noticing within recent emails and posts sent by breakup sufferers. It’s related to the premise of “going ghost” following a breakup. It’s not a tool to make your ex wonder what you’re up to, or a component of gamesmanship. This is a self-preservation tactic designed specifically for you. Going ghost is the single best method of preventing regrettable acts. You cannot be remorseful if you have not taken any action but to be still.

But, this is a piece of advice rarely given without the response, “So, when can I contact her/him!?” I counter that question with another question: “What is your agenda in making contact??” Based on your response, you have your own answer. People ask this question because they’re intensely afraid of being forgotten, or inadvertently appearing disinterested to your ex. The underlying fear is that there is something you can do “fix” the situation and stave off further pain. Interestingly, probably the only thing you haven’t tried as a breakupee is “doing nothing.” Whereas your constant attempts at soliciting a response or repairing the situation have only put you further in the hole.

So, if your agenda is to get him/her back – or – if ANY of your actions cause you to return your focus on him/her, then it’s probably best to do the opposite: Go ghost. Directing or maintaining your attention on the source of your pain will bring you more what?? Hint: PAIN.

If you’re playing with a loaded gun and it goes off, shooting you in the dick, do you keep playing with the gun? Or – more logically – do you call 911 and get the hell away from the weapon?! HINT: This is a rhetorical question. You just got shot in the dick. I’m not saying that your ex is armed or is aiming for your prized appendage – even though that isn’t uncommon. But, your immediate post-breakup response should be the same. You’re wounded. Not mortally, but it feels so. You need to tend to your heart wound. You do this by gaining some distance – not by running back to the source.

Look, I’m no mountaintop oracle, or your designated breakup overlord. I’m just a guy put on this carbon-based sphere to prevent others from self-flagellating post-breakup. You don’t want to lose your shit over this. Unfortunately, I cannot implant a chip in your noggin and control your moves from my Xbox. I can only advise you virtually from my clandestine, subterranean Breakup Command Center. You can heed my counsel, or type some profane diatribe, hit “Send,” and return to your diabolical plan of reconciliation.

But, first consider this: In the absence of any reconciliation or cease-fire by your ex, the “No contact” rule is the most apt policy to obtain any semblance of healing, while avoiding maladaptive behaviors. IF things are going to work-out later (assuming they should), they stand the best chance without your irrational meddling while in the throes of breakup anxiety. You are simply not of sound mind this early on to emotionally navigate this course and achieve your goal. So the best action is no action. Going ghost is going to save you further damage – self-inflicted or otherwise.

Now, back to your original question: When can you make contact?

Answer: If you’ve got anything that must be said right now, write it and mail it USPS with no return address. Once.

If you are seeking any type of response or outcome, you have likely already communicated all that is needed to repair things at the time of the breakup. There is no further action needed right now. If s/he wants to get back together, they will let you know.

YOU CAN’T BE MISSED IF YOU NEVER GO AWAY.

Breakup advice: The breakup advice that can prevent the need for … breakup advice

Breakup adviceTo greatly increase your odds of avoiding a breakup, there is one commonly overlooked tactic to implement before getting bounced from your union: BOUNDARIES.

And, if you’ve just experienced a breakup, it’s never too late to leverage the mystic power of boundaries. Keep reading. When someone contacts State of Anxiety seeking breakup advice they’re often in the early stage of breakup pain, while experiencing an emotional cocktail of shock, disbelief, sorrow, and a roofie of anxiety. This period is further laced with an overriding sensation of destabilization. Surprisingly, you don’t have to date someone for long to become enmeshed with them. Herein lies the danger. You don’t know how it happened. You used to be so autonomous and “master of your domain.” Now you’re clutching your chest because it feels like you can’t breathe without him/her. Seems odd, right? I mean, you had an entire life before that pivotal day you met at the bar/gym/traffic light/on Tinder. So, why does it suddenly feel like you can’t make a sandwich without them?!

The allure of impenetrable personal boundaries is in their indisputable prowess to guard us from interpersonal and dating ills. They’re like invisible force-fields that repel bullshit, douchebags, emotional abusers, bullets, gamma rays and asteroids. They keep you from dating the undateable, and no one should risk dating without them. You wear a jacket when it’s cold, a helmet when you ride, a fanny-pack at the mall, and one of those laughable wrist guards when you go bowling. Yet, so few of us adorn ourselves in relational boundaries to protect the very thing that keeps us alive: Our heart! This is worse than walking down a busy street and fornicating with people at random without a condom … in some sort of bizarre street orgy. (Note: I’m from San Francisco and, sadly, such festivals exist.) Nevertheless, the very thought should make you cringe. And, so should the notion of blindly investing your heart into any relationship sans boundaries. Doing so is an open invitation to maladjusted opportunists to have their way with your life and emotional well-being. You might put your genitals somewhere dirty – but, don’t put your heart there.

Boundaries can literally prevent you from weeks, months, or years of anguish because you allowed the wrong guy or girl into your life. Have you ever got the wrong girl pregnant?? That’s 18 years. Boundaries also prevent enmeshment. At the most basic level, enmeshment is a concept where your life becomes blurred with that of another. In this scenario, we don’t know where we end and s/he begins. Whereas a healthy relationship consists of two whole entities who love and support one another, while remaining complete on their own. Enmeshment is “1 + 1 = 1.” So it goes with relationships – even marriages. He or she does not actually complete you. You damn well better remain complete on your own. Why? Two reasons: (1) You never want to complete anyone, or vice versa. A fence post that leans on another makes a shitty fence. And, (2) If, for whatever reason, the relationship/marriage ends, you will need to be a whole entity again. So, why not remain one in the first place?

“But, Jon, this ‘boundaries’ crap isn’t going to help me now! I just got dumped!!” Au contraire mon frere! Establishing boundaries – even after a breakup – strengthens resolve AND helps to rebuild self-esteem following a bad breakup. Creating them will directly contribute to the healing process, while (BONUS!!) preventing you from relapsing back toward the “dark-side” (where “dark-side” = your ex). It gets even better. Establishing boundaries will actually protect you with regard to ALL of your interpersonal relationships – whether it be matters of the heart, familial relationships, or at work to keep tyrannical colleagues and managers from taking advantage of you, or stealing your pens.

If I sound pragmatic or unemotional about this, I’m not. Contrarily, I am a huge proponent of healthy people and relationships that go the distance. Enmeshment counters such. I like to think of personal boundaries as a kick-ass perimeter around the home – where “home” is a metaphor for your heart. And, not the cute white picket fence you might be envisioning. But a formidable, tall, black iron-wrought variety with sharp points on top that only a ninja eunuch would consider scaling. Add an armed sentry at the locked gate for good measure. This is precisely how your personal boundaries should work. Where the only dates allowed entry are those who meet your PREDEFINED requirements that espouse who you are and reflect what you want in your life. Your individual requirements will vary, but may include things like non-smoking, lack of/tons of facial hair, no/lots of tattoos, wants/does not want children, vegetarian/or, prefers food that craps on a vegetarian’s food, etc. These are also the characteristics typically identified as “red-flags” later when people contact us at State of Anxiety following a bad breakup. It is quite common to have sufferers write, “There were all these ‘red-flags’ early on, but I ignored them.” What if you didn’t ignore them? Even better, what if you screened for them at the boundary?

Always heed your intuition. Even better, implement personal boundaries while you are single, or after a breakup. Because the best breakup advice is the advice you won’t need later.

Breakup Advice: How did this happen?

How did this happenIt’s common for tons of questions to run through our heads in the aftermath of a breakup. The Who, What, Where, When, Why, and Hows can dominate our thoughts and create an almost catatonic effect if we let them. It’s possible that for the first week or two this is your mind/body’s way of telling you what it needs: Just a little bit of time to sit back, absorb the blow, and recharge. There’s certainly nothing wrong with taking a brief time-out. But if time continues to pass and nothing has changed, then it’s time to become more proactive.

Unfortunately, while it might seem productive, constantly asking ourselves questions is also one of the least effective strategies to feeling better. While we all have our own greatest hits list of break up questions, one of the most common is some version of “How did this happen?”

It’s almost as if we ask ourselves enough times we will eventually stumble upon the right answer, providing us with the relief we’ve been searching for — but we won’t. And, any sound breakup advice will state this fact. Monday morning quarterbacking doesn’t work in the NFL and it doesn’t work with a breakup. In fact, asking “How did this happen?” only makes us feel worse.

How come?

Because underneath each question is a statement. In general, the statement underneath “How did this happen?” is some version of “This should not have happened!” or “I didn’t want this to happen!.” The harsh reality is that it did happen. Continuing to ask yourself how it happened only serves as a distractor from reality. And, if you try to avoid or reject reality, you will always lose.

We don’t have to like it, but if we want to stop being zombies and rejoin the living, then our focus should be on working to accept, not approve, this loss. This shift in thinking will not take away the pain of a breakup (nothing in the immediate aftermath will), but it will help reduce the intensity.

– Jon

 

 

Breakup Advice: Call/Text/Snapchat the ex?

Social media stalkingOne of the most common questions I hear from clients seeking breakup advice is, “Is it okay for me to call my ex?” In short, the answer is, “Probably not” – at least not in the beginning. I say probably because there are always going to be extenuating circumstances, like if you live together and have to figure out logistics. But, overall you’re not doing yourself any favors by reaching out to this person. There was a reason for the break up, right?

In my experience, I’ve found that exes continue to talk to each other because they miss having that “someone” around. It’s old habit to say goodnight, or to text them for dinner plans on a random Wednesday. And, not having that just flat out hurts. So when you do call them and talk, of course it feels nice. It reminds you of that feeling of support that’s missing in your new post-breakup life. But that call or text, no matter how innocent, prevents you from moving forward. Just because it feels good in the moment doesn’t mean it’s going to be helpful long term. Any breakup advice that says differently is misleading.

I like to think of phone calls to the recent ex as a pain avoidance mechanism. You are in pain and reaching out will make you feel better temporarily. But if you’re just reaching out to make yourself feel better, you’re treating the “symptom” and not the cure. For example, if I have coffee breath during the day, I could pop a mint in my mouth. But that would only work for a short period of time. The real solution would be to brush my teeth – and, probably stop drinking coffee in the afternoon. But, that’s not a relationship I’m ready to let go of quite yet.

Not having contact after a breakup allows you to go through the emotional swings that are necessary to get better. Yes, it is painful and, yes, it is difficult. But these feelings are natural. Calling the ex after a breakup only makes it worse and lengthens the time it takes to feel better. That’s breakup advice you can put to the test.

– Jon

Breakup Advice: Why all the now?

The time is always ... Now

                   The time is always … Now

As you might have noticed during your breakup advice search, there seems to be a focus on “living in the now” to help survive a breakup.  Sound breakup advice will include a consistent and straightforward message. Part of that message will include the premise to “Stay in the now:” Don’t drift, don’t let your mind wander, and don’t start eating that pint of ice cream and wonder how you got to the bottom of it so quickly. Do stay focused, do be attuned to yourself and your surroundings, and do get intensely interested in the now.

But how come?

From a logical standpoint you can’t be in the “now” all the time. Sometimes you have to think about the future. You know, for those outlandish tasks like paying your bills or thinking about traffic so you’re not late for work. So it seems like the breakup advice that is supposed to help you feel better is contradictory to functioning in our daily lives.

The trick is to focus on the now only when it is helpful to do so. Planning for retirement? Probably not the best time to jump on the “live in the now” bandwagon. Another way to look at it is to become focused on the now when you are feeling overwhelmed and need to take a quick mental vacation.

But, why does it work?

And, here’s a valuable takeaway of breakup advice: There is one big rule to the way our brains work with our thoughts during a breakup. If you think about the past you become sad. If you think about the future you become anxious. But, if you focus on the present things somehow just seem better.

I should note that sitting and thinking, “Why did we break up?” is not being in the moment—it’s thinking about the past. A now thought is, “I am having thoughts about a break up.” There is a world of difference between these two. Recognizing you are having a thought gives you greater control over your current emotional state and makes the moment more tolerable. Asking yourself why the relationship ended makes you think about the past and increases your suffering. You don’t need to solve the question to feel better. You need to learn how to tolerate pain in the moment to feel better. Your life is only ever now. And that is what being in the now is all about.

– Jon

MAN: Like a woman, but not as strong

man-endangered

Men don’t get a lot of compassion – not as a gender, not toward one another, and not toward ourselves. We are the more impulsive, less refined gender that has not progressed much since our cave-dwelling days. We have learned to use and appreciate toiletries since then, however, and we pretend to enjoy chivalry and using a fork.

If there are lingering doubts regarding the lack of evolutionary progress by man, I welcome you to any men’s gym locker room where one can catch a glimpse of man in his natural setting. Here you will find an array of males similar to those of the Paleolithic era. Within this setting, unkempt men can be seen in displays of primordial behavior. Some will be standing cloaked only in a towel, one leg propped on a stool like Captain Morgan, while grunting spasmodically about their favorite sports team. Another will be seen with his naked ass unsanitarily affixed to a bench, while shaking a can of anti-itch powder onto his feet and floor. One will be plugging a nostril and blowing snot into a sink through the open nostril. Others can be seen chewing-off and spitting nails and cuticles indiscriminately. And at least one carefree gent will designate the wall-mounted hand dryer as his own hand-dryercrotch dehumidifier.

Seeing man in this communal habitat is like peering behind the curtain of the mighty Oz – it should not be done unless one is ready for the shocking truth: That behind the expensive suits and silk ties, we are still chest-pounding, booger-flicking chimps. Oftentimes, I find my own gender abhorrent. That said, my love for peeing most anywhere while standing, and never experiencing a menstrual cycle completely outweigh any shame for my gender.

Sadly – and, perhaps due to our ruffian status – men are often perceived as an expendable lot regularly sent to do life’s dirty work like unclogging municipal sewers, diffusing IEDs, ice road trucking, repossessing tractors, or mining for coal and ore miles below Earth’s surface. When duty calls, somewhere a willing man is answering. We also have the intrinsic propensity to take stupid risks. I am adorned with scars from 13 orthopedic surgeries to attest to my own wanton disregard for logic and gravity. Add to this man’s overall ignorance in avoiding hospitals or general healthcare, and we face a dirt nap much sooner than our female counterparts.

baby-socket

The chain of misfortune begins early on. Boys are born with genetic encoding for exploration and mayhem. As soon as a boy can crawl, he is in search of his own demise. And he will usually find it, whether in the form of a girl or an electrical socket. And once he becomes a teenager, there is an innate feeling of invincibility combined with a remarkably steep learning curve. The survival of a boy is akin to a baby sea turtle leaving the safety of its beach nest for the open ocean. It’s a total crap-shoot based on an indeterminate amount of skill with a heavy dose of luck. It’s no help that teenage boys are so lazy and complacent that most don’t tie their shoes. This is why whenever there’s a televised news story of an injured or killed teenage boy, the camera pans to a lone shoe lying in a street, always untied.

Across the industrialized world, women live 5 to 10 years longer than men. Equally startling, is that among people over 100 years old, 85% are women. That’s a whole lot of “jaguars”, “pumas”, or whatever predatory animal coincides with the 100+ female subset. According to Tom Perls, founder of the New England Centenarian Study at Boston University, “There are maybe three things men do worse than women. They smoke a lot more. They eat more food that leads to high cholesterol. And, men tend not to deal with their stress as well as women. Stress plays a very important role in cardiovascular disease for men.” I guess what we lack in longevity, we make-up for in denial.

heelsIt is our own culture that depicts men as the stronger sex. This might be true when it comes to opening new bottles of ketchup, or scaling a tree to save a kitten. But in her book, Why Men Die First, Marianne Legato, a specialist in gender-specific medicine at Columbia University, states: “Men are genetically and biologically fragile to start with, and societal norms that encourage and even demand risky behavior by men put them at risk.” Yes, she said, “fragile.” From before birth through every stage of life, men are more likely to die than women. Legato highlighted seven interesting reasons why males die prematurely:

  1. Males are burdened with natural genetic deficits: While every cell in a woman’s body has two large X chromosomes, men have one X and one smaller Y chromosome, and the Y is half the size. The “spare” X chromosomes allow women’s bodies to compensate when faced with damage in ways that men’s less robust cells cannot. Furthermore, mutations are three to six times more likely in a Y than an X chromosome.
  2. The womb is more treacherous for boys: Baby boys are one-and-a-half to two times more likely to die at birth than girls. How’s that for a welcome-wagon? The primary causes are a weaker immune system, a tendency for immature lung development, inadequate blood flow to male fetuses, and high vulnerability to maternal stresses.
  3. Males are more likely to have developmental disorders: An article published in the British Medical Journal notes that a variety of disorders, including reading delays, deafness, autism, ADHD, blindness, seizure disorders, hyperactivity, clumsiness, stammering, and Tourette’s syndrome are three to four times more common in boys than girls.
  4. Males are biologically more prone to risky behavior: Slower development of the area of the brain that governs judgment makes males – especially adolescents – more likely than girls to die in accidents.
  5. A “suck-it-up” culture means men often languish with depression: Although women are more likely to make suicide attempts, the ratio of men to women who actually kill themselves is nearly 4 to 1. For men ages 20 to 24, fully 15 percent of all deaths are suicides.
  6. Men choose more dangerous occupations: The bulk of sailors, firefighters, police officers, construction workers, and farmers are men. The fatality rate from workplace injuries is more than nine times higher for men than for women. And, men still do the vast majority of the fighting during military conflicts. In all fairness, we’re also the ones who start them. But I also don’t believe we were made to be corralled in beige cubicles like caged veal while fed raisin bagels and industrial coffee.
  7. Finally, Coronary artery disease strikes men earlier than women: According to the CDC, heart disease is the leading cause of death for both men and women in the United States and is a major cause of disability. The most common heart disease in the United States is coronary heart disease, which often appears as a heart attack. Interestingly, estrogen seems to protect women from heart disease until they are well into midlife, but it is common for symptoms to begin in men by the age of 35.

While women are hitting their sexual peak, men’s hearts are simultaneously beginning to choke-off and die. To worsen matters, men have naturally low levels of protective HDL cholesterol. The result is that between 70 and 89 percent of all sudden cardiac events occur in men, and men die three times more frequently of coronary artery disease than women. I’m no longer feeling the upside of being a man. I need to pee on something to feel alive again.

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.

delivery-tearsBased on the overwhelming evidence, men aren’t so bad-ass after all. We’re just good at faking bravado. Personally, I’ve always known we were the weaker gender. Consider childbirth. Would a man ever endure such a direct assassination to the nether-regions as giving birth? Hardly. The typical man is laid-out by the common cold. But, why should longevity go to the prettier, genetically more robust, and better smelling gender? According to Adam Voiland at U.S. News and World Report, the following are 7 things men can do right now to strengthen our hearts and lengthen our lives:

 

  • Know your blood pressure no matter what your age. Exercise vigorously every day to increase naturally low HDL levels, and start getting screened for coronary artery disease in your twenties.
  • Go to the doctor and tell him or her if you’re having a health problem of any kind. This is especially true for men who feel sad or depressed for extended periods. It is extremely common for men to internalize and ignore their problems. Seek help.
  • Monitor your behavior and minimize tendencies to act like a jackass. You know better than to drive like a reckless moron, ignore safety protocols at work, or operate machinery while intoxicated. Sure, cutting corners and saving time while increasing output feels good initially, but not when you leave your fingers or penis behind on a lathe.
  • Keep off excess weight to avoid an array of chronic diseases that will impair your quality of life. Coronary artery disease, diabetes, and prostate cancer are a few extremely common risks associated with being overweight that typically take a toll on a man’s well-being – including the ability to have an erection.
  • Don’t smoke. This statement does not need a qualifier but, according to the American Cancer Society, smokers who quit by age 35 can expect to live up to eight and a half years longer than continuing smokers.
  • Don’t fear digital rectal exams. PSA screening for prostate cancer has been controversial because it can pick up tiny cancers that are not clinically significant, but digital exams reveal dangerous cancers that must be treated. The same goes for colonoscopies. Sure, they’re uncomfortable but, far less so then an intestinal resection, and having your rectum re-routed to a conversation piece.
  • Protect your head and tell your doctor if you sustain an especially hard blow to the noggin. A CT scan may be needed. Concussions may seem harmless, but they can cause long-term brain bleeding that lead to memory problems, disrupted sleep, and personality changes that last a lifetime … like a non-concussed Kanye.

All this news regarding the frailty of my fellow man serves to remind me that life is too short to eat soy, date the wrong woman, or wear Khakis. Because even if men adopt the healthiest of lifestyles, the odds and genetics are seemingly stacked against us – with our heart being the weakest link.

My goal is to become an old man. Seniors dress snappy, they’re incredibly respectful, and they’re filled with vast amounts of knowledge. I don’t care if they smell musty, or their noses whistle when they chew. I will gladly beak-whistle to the internal peace that will accompany me into senility.

Breakup Advice: Emotion regulation

Are there "good" vs. "bad" emotions??

Are there “good” vs. “bad” emotions??

It’s a little known fact that there is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. I think this is a good place to start, especially since we tend to “feel bad” about “feeling bad.” Don’t.

Emotions simply are what they are; we just attach a good or bad label to them after we experience them. There are plenty of reasons why we do this: Societal messages, religion, family values, pharmaceutical commercials, our efforts to try and make sense of this world, etc… Plus the obvious that it’s natural to think feeling happy is good and feeling sad is bad. I’m not trying to rally against these reasons; I’m just saying there are reasons why we do this.

The idea that emotions are neither “good” nor “bad” blew my mind the first time I had to think about it – as it was such an engrained concept. But the fish does not know it’s swimming in water. It’s sometimes easier to think of things in extremes. Consider a really “bad” emotion:  Hopelessness. This has to be one of the most painful emotions a person can experience. It implies a consistent, never ending dread with a sense of “I can’t believe I have to drag my carcass through another day.”

My point is that hopelessness, in and of itself, isn’t a “bad” feeling. It’s just a feeling. We certainly do not want to experience it, but saying to yourself that feeling hopeless is “bad” is like saying it’s “bad” to feel the rain on your face (Linehan). You have no control over the touch receptors on your skin just like you have no control over the limbic system in your brain that facilitates your initial emotions. You’re blaming yourself for something you have zero control over, which is not the most helpful method to recover.

What you do have control over is how you respond to these emotions… And, that starts with recognizing that they are neither good nor bad.

– Tom

She really isn’t that into you

My dad once told me, “When it comes to women, you gotta be rich or good looking.” I was a fairly lazy kid, so I focused on working-out incessantly and optimizing my “look.” This practice later included such accoutrements as an effeminate mullet shellacked into place with an econo-size can of “Super-Hold” Aqua-Net and a badass Pontiac Trans-Am with an enormous, metallic, fire-breathing bird decal splayed across the hood. Whereas my brother took right to hard work. We both played the cards we were dealt. Since I was well aware that my boyish good looks might one day fail me, I decided upon a career that would score me women well into senility: A pilot. Due to consistently poor pre-flight planning as a student pilot, that career didn’t pan-out and I listened to my Lit professor to become a writer. I’m still waiting for a woman to seductively writhe into my lap at a bar upon learning that I’m a wordsmith. Whoever said, “The pen is mightier than the sword” wasn’t trying to get laid.

I grew-up with no females in my life besides my mom and two German Shepherds – none of whom would listen to me, and one who bit me on the face. And, being adopted, I felt abandoned by my birth mother, so I was fairly vexed with women in general. My parents have been happily married for 50 years. Whereas my longest relationship currently stands at 3 years – a milestone I proudly closed-out in 2012. Looking back, maybe I should’ve married that girl. But, she was hardly the last great thing I let slip away. Today, I am fortunate to have many female friends that I cherish, all of who incessantly pummel me with the same grievance: That despite their crazy good looks, vast intelligence, formidable jobs, porcelain veneers, breast implants, and leased BMW’s, not one of them can – just once – be hit on by a good looking guy with a stable job, no garnished wages for child-support owed, and having never spent time as a child answering the question, “Point to where on this doll the priest touched you.” I wish – nary – pray these men will show themselves at once, so my female friends will stop asking me where they are. My response that, “Most of them are erroneously incarcerated” won’t hold these ravenous women much longer. In the words of my gorgeous friend, Alicia – a 31 year old ER nurse in San Francisco – “What the hell is going on that only ‘trolls’ hit on me?! Even worse, why do they think I’d ever be interested?”

Ladies, truth is the men you seek are all around you. And, they are not all “gay.” Though, the best-looking men are, in fact, gay. No one knows why. The reason you are not meeting these great men is stunningly simple: Good looking straight men have intricately fragile egos. The good-looking, “together” man you so desire would love to approach you while learning of your affinity for the unparalleled comfort of 1,200 thread-count Egyptian sateen cotton sheets and roomfuls of handmade, soy vanilla pillar candles. Alas, he cannot. “Why?” Because good-looking man cannot mentally afford the potentiality of rejection. His ego – though presumptively intact – remains so only through irregular interludes of positive external validation. Were you to reject good-looking man on the basis of his popped-collar, sockless leather shoes, taupe Khaki’s, or his boy-band fetish for example, you would send him emotionally reeling back to the 9th grade, where he was turned down for the Sade Hawkins dance by the whorishly hot cheerleader, Tracy Stevens, on account of his acne and head-gear. It has taken good-looking man the past 20 years to assimilate the facsimile of self-esteem you now see propped against the mahogany bar.

As a man, I know one thing when it comes to men: We are often blissfully ignorant of our true image around women. And, the more unattractive the man, the more false bravado and less to lose he seemingly has while on the prowl. It often becomes a numbers game of ‘chumming the waters.’ Though the return is surprisingly low, there are just enough inconsistent triumphs to perpetuate the behavior. Can this anomaly be chalked-up to ignorance, poor lighting, or feigned confidence?? Maybe. But, there is also a scientific explanation.

According to the findings published in Psychological Science, “Unattractive men who are looking for a quick hookup are more likely to overestimate how attractive women find them.” Researchers from Williams College and University of Texas at Austin put 96 men and 103 women, all undergraduates, through a speed-dating scenario. Horny collegiates make superb study subjects. They first took surveys rating themselves on attractiveness and their level of desire for a short-term sexual encounter. The men and women then talked with five members of the opposite sex for about three minutes each. After each meeting, participants rated the partners on physical attractiveness and how interested in them sexually the partner appeared to be.

What is grossly perplexing, however, is that within this study women consistently underestimated their male partners’ interest in them sexually. How outlandish of them! C’mon, we’re guys – the gender that has been caught fornicating pumpkins in daylight. In our defense (not of the pumpkin scenario), researchers claim there’s an evolutionary explanation for this discrepancy. “There are two ways you can make an error as a man,” says psychologist, Carin Perilloux. “Either you think, ‘Oh, wow, that woman’s really interested in me’ – and it turns out she’s not.” Or, “That the woman is interested and he’s missed out on a mating opportunity. That’s a huge cost in terms of reproductive success,” according to Perilloux. “For men who are looking for casual sex, they’re only limited by the number of women they can get to have sex with them, so overestimation also makes sense in that situation,” he added. So, that notion of “chumming the waters” holds some merit. It truly is a numbers game, and just the right quantity of “no’s” will yield that elusive “yes.” Women have no one to blame but themselves for the continual ambush of unattractive men in clubs, at parties, or at the food court in the mall. If women ceased rewarding this maligned behavior, evolution would eventually disperse it, and we would meekly sulk back into the dank, sticky corners of poorly lit strip clubs. Don’t feed wild bears, ladies.

All of these behaviors play-out in the real world wherever there are mixed genders, alcohol, darkness, or … air. I recently ran into an unappealing (by most anyone’s standards) male acquaintance with a defective personality at an outdoor concert in California. I will call him, “Michael” because that’s his real name, and I hate that he insists on the full two syllables rather than just “Mike.” As Mike stood too close to me and I faked interest in whatever he was saying, I interjected to point out a stunning blonde about 10 yards away. While I was busy convincing myself that she was both unavailable and out-of-my-league, Mike was already introducing himself to her while violating her personal space with a contemplative look regarding the viability of dry-humping her thigh. His predatory nature and ability to stalk female prey like a panther were somehow impressive. Delusional guys seemingly have no fear – and crafty catlike prowess. This might be due to a lifetime of getting rejected by women, and the need to continually hone one’s skills in order to replicate. As I stood waiting for the beautiful blonde to throw her $10 concert beer in his face, I was met with another surprise: Mike entering her number into his cell phone. From whence does such madness spring?! I convinced myself of an additional falsehood: That she had given him a bogus number. A week later, I learned I was wrong on this accord when he called to tell me about his amazing date with her. I was beside myself with resentment. I don’t know why. Mike, and the majority of guys like him never score a second date without Rohypnol and their own “Silence of the Lambs” basement well. But, that’s okay with them because, like lone sex gypsies, their guiding principle is to “stick-and-move.”

I refuse to be part of this subset of men, even if I unknowingly am. I still have a smidgen of pride. That said, now that I’m older, I’m also a realist. I am cognizant that my available dating pool is rapidly shrinking as I age, while my ears and nose will continue to grow until I appear a “Shrek” version of myself. Dad was right. I’d better make some money.

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