Advice Blog

This is Why Your Airline Boarding Process is a Pop-Up Circus…

In few other affairs is your life-status so publicly displayed than during the airline boarding process. This is by design. Airlines revel in publicly grading you by airport megaphone. It’s their preferred grandstand to reward or demean customers based on how much you spend with them.

The stress of traveling and the battle cry for the arm rest and window shade begin long before you’re seated. It starts with trying to determine what time to leave for the airport, followed by the wildly inconsistent process of “security” screening. Next is procuring one’s $9 bottle of municipal water to allay the low humidity, desiccating journey. Finally, you face the fire-sale of airline boarding.

All airlines all do the same thing – move people from one place to another via the troposphere. The way in which they begin their process, however, can greatly vary and is most evident in the boarding process.

As soon as the gate attendant blows into a hot mic, people leap to their feet into pole position, blocking all pathways to the jetway ready to blitz the ticket scanner.

There are notable reasons we act like Billy goats during the boarding process, to include the following:

Mob Mentality. Research scientists have found that the actions of as few as five people can influence a crowd of 100 to follow suit. Trust your inner oracle and initiate ‘active observer’ status.
Competition. We want to be first on and the first off the plane. It often becomes every passenger for him/herself, as if airports and planes are netherworlds where common sense and courtesies don’t apply.
Impatience. People crowd the gate under the illusion of getting to their destination faster. The plane doesn’t leave until everyone is on-board. A superior use of time is to find nearby space and do some birthing squats and leg stretches to avoid the onset of DVT.
Baggage fees. Ever since the airlines started charging for checked baggage, the boarding process has been more like a Walmart Black Friday than a process conducted by grownups. Planes almost always have enough overhead bin space for every passenger. In fact, newer planes have increased bin space. But they still don’t want you using it.

The airlines have mastered the manipulative art of anxiety seed-planting so you’ll pay a little more to check your bag or opt for earlier boarding. They depend on such fees to remain profitable. The U.S. Department of Transportation’s annual airline baggage fee report found that domestic carriers collected nearly $5 billion in baggage fees in 2018, up from $4.5 billion in 2017 and $1.1 billion a decade ago. They’ll do whatever it takes to scare you into dropping coin.

When you pay that $30 to check a bag or $25 to move up a boarding group, the fees go straight to the airline’s profit margin. While base ticket prices cover only operating costs (i.e., fuel, salaries, maintenance, etc. After making you feel lucky to get on their plane at all, airlines will ease your angst by selling an Economy ticket holder Priority Boarding for $15 and up. How selfless.

To maximize profits, airlines create the illusion of grossly limited bin space, while continuing to splice boarding groups into thinner stratifications. You board according to your value to the airline, with the last group boarding at a bargain price in exchange for a willingness to be degraded.

You must only consider the 10 tiers of the Delta Airlines boarding process as a depiction of the psychological game you’ve entered:

1. Pre-Boarding.

Reverence to this esteemed group for their sacrifices – whether in battle with enemies overseas, with unruly toddlers on the home front, or because they’ve been injured or debilitated along life’s way. No one can hate on a pre-boarder. Unless, they’re faking it to avoid the stigma of #9 below.

2. Delta One®

Like most of the groups in this boarding sequence, it’s unclear what these terms even mean – but, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Delta One® is the Illuminati of boarding groups. The only way into this stratum is to kill and assume the traveling victim’s identity.

3 & 4. First Class – OR – Delta Premium Select

Ah, a group where you may know someone who knows someone. It’s fancy like the others. But, it’s an extravagance that only the 1% or some lucky voyager of an oversold flight can aspire to.

5. Delta Comfort+®

It’s true, the birthright of comfort has been filched from us and monetized. “If you want to travel humanely, you’re going to pay.” Sincerely, The Airlines.

6. Sky Priority®

This subset of marquee member designees is a “who’s who” cadre of worldly movers and shakers. If you can’t be one, kindly step aside so they can crush your toes with their carry-on and confidence. If you’re lucky, they’ll apologize like you’re some sort of equal.

7. Main Cabin 1

A bougie collection of explorers who like sitting on the plane longer than others, and later scorn you for kindly asking if that window seat in their row is available, as if you’ve broken into their home to sit on their lap in a recliner. They’re the last lot of semi-elites before the fuselage filler-fruit of overhead bin peckers come nipping at their totes.

8. Main Cabin 2

The fodder of nameless, faceless passengers now trudge toward lap tray nirvana. These are hapless folk who roll onto the jet bridge like the end credits of a sad movie. Airline personnel avoid making eye contact as if they know you barely chipped-in for gas.

9. Main Cabin 3

This is Delta crypto-code for “you’ll be punished for your frugality once the cabin door closes.” Maybe sooner.

10. Basic Economy

These are my people – the pauper class. You can identify us by the panicked craning of necks toward airport windows to see if the plane is still there. We our further flagged to all by repeated announcements of “Lastly, BASIC ECONOMY and anyone without status or esteem may board.” The terminal feels empty. Our muted shame is palpable.

In order to increase your anxiety and subtly pressure you to pay for priority, the airlines apply these divisions while trading longer boarding times for additional revenue. United boards in six groups, while American and Delta each have 10.

However, because they’ve created so many layers, many early boarding groups are sparsely populated. In the seeming cataclysmic event no bin space is available, your bag will be gate-checked for free, and will likely appear before you do at the other end of the destination airport.

I’m a bag-checker. I like to travel nimble at the risk of landing in Bismarck while my bag lands in Biscayne. It has yet to happen, and I stride onto every flight with only a backpack of books, snacks, Sani-wipes, and the accoutrements to enhance an aerial penance. Truth is, I’ve flown Basic Economy on Delta countless times, on fully-booked flights, and sometimes with a carry-on. I had no issues. The illusion of a gate bag-check is worse than the reality, even if your bag ends-up in a bin rows behind you.

In the future, airlines could be under any array of boarding procedures – to include removing the seats altogether and tethering each passenger to a standing pole.

Airlines have razor thin margins, and they’re crafty at separating us from our money. Which is why they invented turbulence and baggage fees. One thing’s for sure: They will remain profitable, and we will remain uncomfortable.

Now, enjoy THIS parody of the aforementioned.

What to Do If Your Ex Contacts You After You’ve Said Goodbye

Ignoring your ex
How to handle an ex you want to keep in the past when they want to be in your present.

As you read this, there are millions of people across the world suffering from a love-rift somewhere while sending ill-fated texts. Studies show that to the brain, quitting love and heroin are the same. Our brains cannot differentiate another human from smack.

The initial stage of a breakup often includes regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and beguiling emojis in vain attempts to recon the defector, each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within days … or, hours. This phase is rife with the fuzzy logic that there is just the right mix of words and pleading to get you to reconsider.

Why does My Ex Keep Contacting Me?

In short? Denial and the hope for a different outcome. Denial is a coping mechanism that gives us time to adjust to distressing situations. Being in denial gives your mind the opportunity to unconsciously absorb shocking or distressing information at a pace that won’t send you into a psychological tailspin (Mayo Clinic, Denial: When it helps, when it hurts, 2011). When the reality hits that you’ve been dumped, denial is a great tool; as in “If I don’t think about it, then it’s not happening,” or “I can totally fix this, I just need another shot.” A less obvious way denial presents could be as a denial of inner strength: “I can’t handle this sh#t!” The issue with denial as a coping mechanism is that it’s not a long-term solution. Remaining in denial is not healthy, and it’s unnerving to onlookers.

The agony following a broken relationship is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties. Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. It’s also why hot people are crazy. It’s a deterrent for our own safety. But, breakups often include record-setting pleading; a deluge of one-way, restraining-order-level communications; panic that borders on neurosis; and trying to resuscitate the relationship pulse through text and social media.

Exes usually continue to talk because they miss having someone around. It’s old habit to say “goodnight,” or sext on a random weeknight to someone who won’t call the cops.

Now the breakupee stares thunderstruck at a silent phone, willing it to ding with a text from you, while feeling a dreadful void from losing that regular communiqué. If you reply to your late pursuer with anything less than F-bombs and the threat of legal action, it feels great to them. But it’s akin to another hit of heroin for a recovering addict. It will satiate the cravings for a bit, but you’re only resetting their recovery clock while adding to your own stress to keep them from teetering over an imperceptible edge.

What Does the Research Say?

Per a study published in the journal Review of General Psychology, just like the brain is hardwired to fall in love, it also has a mechanism that helps us fall out of love and move along. This is easier for some than others, however. Stalking is not cute, romantic, or funny. And, oftentimes it’s more than, “I was just bored and curious…” Conversely, an “I miss you” doesn’t equal “I want to get back together and adopt Russian toddlers.”

Take solace knowing that your ex’s love longings are quite normal – to an extent. Research eludes to a physiological basis to cravings for an ex. Lucy Brown, Ph.D., Professor in the Department of Neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and her colleagues used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to record the brain activity of adults who had experienced a recent unwanted breakup, and who reported still feeling love for their ex. “Upon viewing brain photographs of their former partners, there was activity in the areas associated with reward and motivation, specifically, the release of dopamine that is also seen in drug addiction. Therefore, people may experience cravings for their ex-partner similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from.”

So, What Can You do About the Uninvited Contact?

In the throes of pain, the shortest route to ending heartache is seemingly with the source. It’s not. It is within us and not with our defector. Consequently, it is not your responsibility to ferry your ex to healing shores. Your takeaway is first to have empathy, followed by impenetrable boundaries and a steadfast “no contact” rule to the benefit of you both. Fully unplug from your ex – including from their social media. Until there’s a methadone for breakups, any reply keeps the dynamic going and prevents you both from moving on with your lives. It also exposes you to further distress, while hindering their emotional recovery and increasing their longing for reconciliation.

Required Steps for Managing an Ex Who Won’t Stop Contacting You:

Stop communicating with your ex unless you share custody of a mini human(s).
Repeat.

If for some reason you cannot block them – like maybe you’re keeping a tally of texts/calls for a judge, or you want your labradoodle back – then change their name in your phone to “Caution,” “Beelzebub,” or “Do Not Answer.” This is not a game; it’s not about punishment or revenge, or to make your ex mad while feeding your own ego. It’s self-care.

Do it for them. Do it for you.

Not everyone loves you enough to leave you alone. If you’re ever going to be friends, it will happen later. Or, never.

Guest Post: Is Anxiety Killing Us as a Culture?

Anxiety is currently a serious problem. As a whole, the collective mind – particularly in Western cultures and North America – seems to be getting more distraught, more stressed, and more anxious.

This is creating a number of problems in society as a whole. Is anxiety killing us as a culture?

How Could Anxiety Do So Much Damage?

When someone is anxious, it’s a reflection of inner turmoil. Many of us deal with existential anxiety – the constant, looming sense of having no real idea of what we’re doing on this planet, or where our lives are going. Working, raising kids, going to school, and living in noisy, crowded cities can all promote high levels of anxiety.

This is problematic on its own – but unfortunately, a lot of people don’t acknowledge their anxiety or refuse to seek help for it. This means that there are millions of people living their lives in a state of anxiety while also believing that there’s no reason that they should seek help for it.

Anxiety is running rampant in society, creating a litany of problems.

Driving while anxious makes one more likely to have an accident.
High anxiety levels are leading to higher rates of drug addiction and overdose.
Parents who are anxious all the time are likely to raise anxious children (anxiety seed-planting).
High levels of anxiety and stress are known to contribute to physical diseases and is likely a factor in the increasing rates of disease in the United States.
Serious anxiety can develop into other conditions, a lower quality of life, and make people more likely to act out irrationally or even violently.

Knowing this, there’s no doubt that anxiety is something worthy of treatment. But what can we do?

How to Manage Anxiety

One of the reasons that people may not treat their anxiety is because they’re not sure how to go about it. Here are some reliable ways to manage anxiety.

Find a Therapist. Many people fear therapy will label them as some sort of ‘nut-case,’ but this isn’t anywhere close to truth. The brain is an organ that can screw-up like any other organ in the body. Does having asthma or cancer make you a lesser person? Hardly. The reality is that we’re all struggling with some sort of internal issue, and the strongest people are those who seek out therapy to improve themselves regardless of what others think. You can easily find a therapist on the Psychology Today website, or speak to an online therapist through one of many companies.
Consider Meditation or Breathing Exercises. Meditation has been used for thousands of years to help people manage things like chronic stress and anxiety. Beginning a meditation routine and doing it properly will yield profound results that can measurably improve both physical and mental health. Meditation has even been scientifically proven to lower cortisol, the stress hormone.
Practice Gratitude. Consistently (daily) focusing on just three gratitudes – no matter how small – at the end of each day, has a twofold effect: (1) It slows and replaces negative thought patterns with something entirely different. (2) It rewires the brain to stop automatically seeking the “bad.” Studies show that we can physically rewire and retrain the brain! Doing something 40 – 50 times creates new pathways, neurons and synapses in the brain that can be seen via MRI. And, doing it 60 times or more will actually thicken and reinforce those neuron bundles for the long-term!

If you follow these tips, then you’ll surely find that your mental health improves in no time.

20 Pros & Cons of Social Media Use (as seen in “Success Magazine,” December 2017)

My generation grew up in an era not known for leaps in technological advances. The lack of fun, lithium-ion powered iThings forced us to engage in antiquated traditions like going outside, socializing or reading. On the upside, living offline allowed us to keep screw-ups to limited audiences. We also experienced less bullying, anxiety and depression than later peers.

Today, we often perceive anyone who shuns social media as old or out of touch. However, they might be the most mentally fit among us. In reality, most people have little awareness of the frequency with which they check their phones. In a 2015 study, participants checked their phones an average of 85 times each day and spent 5.05 hours per day using their smartphone. This is concerning because several studies and researchers have associated social media with several psychiatric disorders, including depressive symptoms, anxiety and low self-esteem.

Consider these 10 notable pro and con stances regarding social media use.

PROS:

Messaging on social media sites can lead to face-to-face interactions when plans are made via the sites.
Social media increases voter participation and facilitates political change.
Social media helps reduce loneliness of senior citizens who are socially isolated.
Social media allows for quick diffusion of public health and safety information during crisis events.
The U.S. military and the Department of Veterans Affairs use social media to help prevent suicide.
Social media can help disarm social stigmas like anxiety or depression.
Crowdsourcing on social media allows people to attain a goal, empowering users to achieve positive change.
Social media provides academic research to a wider audience, allowing people access to previously inaccessible educational resources.
Social media sites can help improve overall well-being by providing users with a large social group creating a “contagion” effect.
Professional networking sites like LinkedIn greatly assist companies to find personnel and job seekers to find work.

CONS:

Social media posts cannot be entirely deleted.
Social media can endanger our military, journalists and activists.
Social media use is associated with personality and brain disorders.
Students who are heavy social media users tend to have lower grades.
Social media can exacerbate feelings of disconnect and put children at higher risk for anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders and even suicide.
Criminals can use social media to commit and promote crimes.
Social media can be a drain on time and use up hours that you can’t get back.
Advertising practices of social media sites may create an invasion of privacy.
Social media facilitates sexting, which can lead to revenge porn, criminal charges and a proliferation of personal images.
Social media use can cause personality and brain disorders, ADHD and self-centered personalities—particularly in youth.

Clinical psychologist and author of The Teen Girl’s Survival Guide, Dr. Lucie Hemmen writes that, “Most people experience huge benefits from taking a social media break. There is a way in which cultivating and maintaining your online identity can replace an authentic connection to your true self. The more grounded you are in your authentic value as a human being, the less likely you are to be a heavy user of social media and also to be negatively affected by it.”

For example, if you know that your value is deeper and more complex than what you post and how many likes and comments you receive, then you are probably social media resilient.

The more grounded you are in your authentic value as a human being, the less likely you are to be a heavy user of social media and also to be negatively affected by it.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Sleeping diagonally across the bed

Some relationships end quietly in mutually flowing tears, while others terminate in a volley of profanities and Tupperware®. Men are often oblivious to the underlying signs preceding a breakup. We’re guys – the gender caught fornicating pumpkins in well-lit fields. I was completely blindsided to my worst breakup. It sucked the air from my chest as I patted my torso searching for an entry wound. Relationships are an expensive way to watch someone slowly like you less and less.

I taunt you with my emptiness.

The majority of women quietly consider dumping a guy within the first few months. Beyond that demarcation, we often settle into our comfort zone and don’t give getting dumped a second thought – even when they are. Some of the reasons for a split are measurably easier on a breakup recipient than others. If you were caught cheating, for example, you might carry a hefty load of regret. But if you refused to squat-pee to keep her bathroom tile clean, your sorrow will be inconsequential.

How to know the axe cometh:

1. Indifference – the arguments aren’t even worth it anymore
2. You’re the last to know things
3. She does the stuff you always wanted to do with her – with everyone but you
4. The sex is less frequent or performed from another room
5. You don’t talk much when you’re alone
6. Her response times to you are equal to her zest to do laundry
7. She picks fights to obtain distance
8. She avoids touching you – even if you fall on her
9. Her belongings start making their way elsewhere
10. She’s not making any plans with you unless it’s taking her to the airport
11. She avoids events with your friends and family
12. She tries to kill you

[title size=”2″ content_align=”left” style_type=”none” sep_color=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” class=”” id=””]Though it’s sometimes our penis that leads to demise, it’s often the women we choose.[/title]When men want stability, we often get bored. And when we seek excitement, we get suffering. Every guy I know can cite an example of a crazy girl he continued to see because she looked great naked. Having a broken GPS (Girl Picking System) usually leads to calamity. Don’t date personalities that start with “socio.” If you have never seen her and Satan in the same room, or if she demands that you head-butt, asphyxiate, or leg sweep her during coitus, then she’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.

“Did it hurt when you fell out of the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?”

Uncertainty and green discharge when you pee are intriguing, but rarely healthy. At least get her full name so you can file a police report later. There is a steep price for having sex with crazy girls. Crazy girls love sex, because it’s their only value-add. They’re emotionally unstable and feel a need to be punished due to whatever poor relationships they had with their parents or dad. Crazy girls are great in bed because they have to be, or they would never land a man. Do you want a relationship outside the bedroom? If so, crazy is coming with ya. Better find her a nice dress.

[title size=”2″ content_align=”left” style_type=”none” sep_color=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” class=”” id=””]Single is the new married.[/title]Singles now outnumber married people – at least within the United States. And the trend is likely to continue. The Bureau of Labor Statistics recently reported that, for the first time, the majority of adults in the United States are unmarried, with singles clocking in at 50.3%. In 1950, that number was about 22%.

Of course, there exist some negatives to being single. For men, this takes the form of things like not having someone with whom to do the mundane. None of your buddies are coming over to the flip the mattress or shop for a duvet. And you won’t have anyone to adorn in a pink jersey version of your favorite NFL team on Sundays. But there is a lot of upside to being single; like watching marathons of Dating Naked. You’ll stay in better shape too – which is necessary, since statistics show that singles have a better time in the bedroom. And you won’t lose any limbs from another body cutting-off your circulation in bed. A domesticated man is often a fat and lazy one, who moves slowly and only under duress.

“I want a girlfriend, but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Like do I just have sex with her and then leave her alone in the corner? And how often do they eat?”

Interestingly, people only lived to about 25 when marriage began. “Til death do us part” wasn’t a huge commitment when people died 10 years later. Now what we are living longer, we need the peacekeeping and negotiating tactics of NATO.

[title size=”2″ content_align=”left” style_type=”none” sep_color=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” class=”” id=””]Men hate appletinis and starting over.[/title]Men are largely homeostatic creatures. Stability and organized patterns suit us just fine, and help retain our illusion of control. It seems that most anything on the topic of men is penned by a woman, and graces the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine. What we really want are meatball sandwiches and our own dinosaur. And we don’t want haircuts by other men, salads without tri-tip, or anything involving change.

But we are evolutionarily wired for breakups. Just as we’re able to endure sneeze-fits and Adam Sandler movies, we are inherently designed to experience and overcome not just one, but many breakups. Overcoming breakups is in our DNA. From pleated Khakis to roller-blades, men are commonly the last to accept what is good for us. Given humans dependence on relationships for good health, it makes sense that the pathways linked to social attachment are also responsible for physical pain. The next time you find yourself thinking about your ex, don’t be so hard on yourself. Your brain is doing everything it can be doing to get over it. Time and inherited neural plasticity heal all psychological wounds. Science says so.

Breakup Advice: Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke – or, if it is

Don't cut yourself on the pieces of broken people

There’s not enough glue in the world …

Dr. McDonagh and I receive a lot of emails and posts at State of Anxiety from heartache sufferers who could’ve and should have completely avoided their relationship pain and melee to begin with. Why?? Because the object of their affection was broken. It’s inherent in our nature to want to ‘right the ship’ and repair what’s not working. That’s all fine. Unless what’s not functioning comes with genitalia. Then it’s always best to leave the broken pieces where you found them, and back away. There’s a time to lend a hand, and a time for self-preservation and sprinting. I speak with a stunning degree of credibility, as I was once a “fixer” myself back in the day. I saw broken women as, “Challenge accepted! Where do I sign??” when I should have yelled, “Challenge averted! Where’s the [email protected] exit?!”

When a ’67 Shelby Mustang isn’t running right, you can tweak the carburetor, or replace the plugs. When a woman isn’t running right, you can’t fine tune her brain. Nor can you love and snuggle her into mental and emotional health. Dating a broken individual is akin to jumping in the deep-end to save someone from drowning. They will violently flail just before taking you down in their death grip. Even if you were (hypothetically) able to save them, you’ll incur an egregious amount of kicks, elbows, and head-butts before hoisting them to safety. More often than not, however, you’ll sink into the abyss together; your lungs filled with hair, water, and regret. As it is with dating the emotionally unstable man or woman. If you think s/he can be fixed over time, through struggle-snuggles and good advice, then it’s you who needs attention.

FIX YOUR “PICKER” NOT THE PERSON.

When someone selects a mate of this unsavory origin, they focus all efforts on the repair process, while toiling incessantly at the relationship – yet, it never seems right. Because it’s not. And, no amount of alcohol, coercion, grit, and tears will alter the outcome. The union is riddled with strife, imbalance, dissatisfaction, and unrequited love. And, like an Adam Sandler movie, it’s doomed to fail.

By the time we at State of Anxiety hear from the weary lover-turned-therapist, it’s at their point of perilous acquiescence. They’ve tried everything, to no avail. Not surprisingly, even the mental defector him/herself is telling them to “Move on. Don’t wait around. Save yourself …” while cray-cray pants tries to securely fasten their head back to their torso. Still, the misanthropic, bewildered lover insanely stays the course , assured they can make things right. That’s stinkin’ thinkin’ my friend. It would take months, years, or a lifetime of therapy to get Beezy Brokenbrain back on course. Are you a therapist?? Yes? Then you know better to date this genre. You’re not? Then call one for him/her and politely excuse yourself to the restroom to slither out the 2nd floor window. The fall will do you good.

Rather than trying to repair the person of interest, you’re far better served to fix your selection process (aka, “picker”) so that you never choose someone so emotionally stunted again. There’s a reason you chose Captain Chaos. Take some personal inventory to determine why that is. Then don’t repeat. The irony is that the crux of the problem in these types of relationships is … you. Just like it was once me. There is something internal driving you toward this self-destructive behavior.

I won’t be so bold as to predict the myriad of reasons you decided Suzy Rottenmind was worth your time and sanity. I already know the sex was good. Sex with a train-wreck always is. For me, it was more complicated. I sought emotional instability and chaos in relationships. Without it, I was bored. I thrived on the deranged. And, there’s never a shortage. Those were the only relationships I found sexually charged and rife with chemistry. Talk about bad science. When faced with an emotionally sound and stable woman, and I’d sneak out of her bed at night to crawl through the bars of the women’s correctional hospital.

I’m hoping this pattern is not indicative of your own. It took years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for me to end my own self-destructive course. How amazing would it be to not replicate the failures of others, such as myself? Yes, that was rhetorical. I’m actually telling you not to replicate my failures.

If they’re broke, don’t fix ’em.

Breakup Advice: Go ghost

I’d like to address a timely trend we are noticing within recent emails and posts sent by breakup sufferers. It’s related to the premise of “going ghost” following a breakup. It’s not a tool to make your ex wonder what you’re up to, or a component of gamesmanship. This is a self-preservation tactic designed specifically for you. Going ghost is the single best method of preventing regrettable acts. You cannot be remorseful if you have not taken any action but to be still.

But, this is a piece of advice rarely given without the response, “So, when can I contact her/him!?” I counter that question with another question: “What is your agenda in making contact??” Based on your response, you have your own answer. People ask this question because they’re intensely afraid of being forgotten, or inadvertently appearing disinterested to your ex. The underlying fear is that there is something you can do “fix” the situation and stave off further pain. Interestingly, probably the only thing you haven’t tried as a breakupee is “doing nothing.” Whereas your constant attempts at soliciting a response or repairing the situation have only put you further in the hole.

So, if your agenda is to get him/her back – or – if ANY of your actions cause you to return your focus on him/her, then it’s probably best to do the opposite: Go ghost. Directing or maintaining your attention on the source of your pain will bring you more what?? Hint: PAIN.

If you’re playing with a loaded gun and it goes off, shooting you in the dick, do you keep playing with the gun? Or – more logically – do you call 911 and get the hell away from the weapon?! HINT: This is a rhetorical question. You just got shot in the dick. I’m not saying that your ex is armed or is aiming for your prized appendage – even though that isn’t uncommon. But, your immediate post-breakup response should be the same. You’re wounded. Not mortally, but it feels so. You need to tend to your heart wound. You do this by gaining some distance – not by running back to the source.

Look, I’m no mountaintop oracle, or your designated breakup overlord. I’m just a guy put on this carbon-based sphere to prevent others from self-flagellating post-breakup. You don’t want to lose your shit over this. Unfortunately, I cannot implant a chip in your noggin and control your moves from my Xbox. I can only advise you virtually from my clandestine, subterranean Breakup Command Center. You can heed my counsel, or type some profane diatribe, hit “Send,” and return to your diabolical plan of reconciliation.

But, first consider this: In the absence of any reconciliation or cease-fire by your ex, the “No contact” rule is the most apt policy to obtain any semblance of healing, while avoiding maladaptive behaviors. IF things are going to work-out later (assuming they should), they stand the best chance without your irrational meddling while in the throes of breakup anxiety. You are simply not of sound mind this early on to emotionally navigate this course and achieve your goal. So the best action is no action. Going ghost is going to save you further damage – self-inflicted or otherwise.

Now, back to your original question: When can you make contact?

Answer: If you’ve got anything that must be said right now, write it and mail it USPS with no return address. Once.

If you are seeking any type of response or outcome, you have likely already communicated all that is needed to repair things at the time of the breakup. There is no further action needed right now. If s/he wants to get back together, they will let you know.

YOU CAN’T BE MISSED IF YOU NEVER GO AWAY.

Breakup advice: The breakup advice that can prevent the need for … breakup advice

To greatly increase your odds of avoiding a breakup, there is one commonly overlooked tactic to implement before getting bounced from your union: BOUNDARIES.

And, if you’ve just experienced a breakup, it’s never too late to leverage the mystic power of boundaries. Keep reading. When someone contacts State of Anxiety seeking breakup advice they’re often in the early stage of breakup pain, while experiencing an emotional cocktail of shock, disbelief, sorrow, and a roofie of anxiety. This period is further laced with an overriding sensation of destabilization. Surprisingly, you don’t have to date someone for long to become enmeshed with them. Herein lies the danger. You don’t know how it happened. You used to be so autonomous and “master of your domain.” Now you’re clutching your chest because it feels like you can’t breathe without him/her. Seems odd, right? I mean, you had an entire life before that pivotal day you met at the bar/gym/traffic light/on Tinder. So, why does it suddenly feel like you can’t make a sandwich without them?!

The allure of impenetrable personal boundaries is in their indisputable prowess to guard us from interpersonal and dating ills. They’re like invisible force-fields that repel bullshit, douchebags, emotional abusers, bullets, gamma rays and asteroids. They keep you from dating the undateable, and no one should risk dating without them. You wear a jacket when it’s cold, a helmet when you ride, a fanny-pack at the mall, and one of those laughable wrist guards when you go bowling. Yet, so few of us adorn ourselves in relational boundaries to protect the very thing that keeps us alive: Our heart! This is worse than walking down a busy street and fornicating with people at random without a condom … in some sort of bizarre street orgy. (Note: I’m from San Francisco and, sadly, such festivals exist.) Nevertheless, the very thought should make you cringe. And, so should the notion of blindly investing your heart into any relationship sans boundaries. Doing so is an open invitation to maladjusted opportunists to have their way with your life and emotional well-being. You might put your genitals somewhere dirty – but, don’t put your heart there.

Boundaries can literally prevent you from weeks, months, or years of anguish because you allowed the wrong guy or girl into your life. Have you ever got the wrong girl pregnant?? That’s 18 years. Boundaries also prevent enmeshment. At the most basic level, enmeshment is a concept where your life becomes blurred with that of another. In this scenario, we don’t know where we end and s/he begins. Whereas a healthy relationship consists of two whole entities who love and support one another, while remaining complete on their own. Enmeshment is “1 + 1 = 1.” So it goes with relationships – even marriages. He or she does not actually complete you. You damn well better remain complete on your own. Why? Two reasons: (1) You never want to complete anyone, or vice versa. A fence post that leans on another makes a shitty fence. And, (2) If, for whatever reason, the relationship/marriage ends, you will need to be a whole entity again. So, why not remain one in the first place?

“But, Jon, this ‘boundaries’ crap isn’t going to help me now! I just got dumped!!” Au contraire mon frere! Establishing boundaries – even after a breakup – strengthens resolve AND helps to rebuild self-esteem following a bad breakup. Creating them will directly contribute to the healing process, while (BONUS!!) preventing you from relapsing back toward the “dark-side” (where “dark-side” = your ex). It gets even better. Establishing boundaries will actually protect you with regard to ALL of your interpersonal relationships – whether it be matters of the heart, familial relationships, or at work to keep tyrannical colleagues and managers from taking advantage of you, or stealing your pens.

If I sound pragmatic or unemotional about this, I’m not. Contrarily, I am a huge proponent of healthy people and relationships that go the distance. Enmeshment counters such. I like to think of personal boundaries as a kick-ass perimeter around the home – where “home” is a metaphor for your heart. And, not the cute white picket fence you might be envisioning. But a formidable, tall, black iron-wrought variety with sharp points on top that only a ninja eunuch would consider scaling. Add an armed sentry at the locked gate for good measure. This is precisely how your personal boundaries should work. Where the only dates allowed entry are those who meet your PREDEFINED requirements that espouse who you are and reflect what you want in your life. Your individual requirements will vary, but may include things like non-smoking, lack of/tons of facial hair, no/lots of tattoos, wants/does not want children, vegetarian/or, prefers food that craps on a vegetarian’s food, etc. These are also the characteristics typically identified as “red-flags” later when people contact us at State of Anxiety following a bad breakup. It is quite common to have sufferers write, “There were all these ‘red-flags’ early on, but I ignored them.” What if you didn’t ignore them? Even better, what if you screened for them at the boundary?

Always heed your intuition. Even better, implement personal boundaries while you are single, or after a breakup. Because the best breakup advice is the advice you won’t need later.

Breakup Advice: How did this happen?

It’s common for tons of questions to run through our heads in the aftermath of a breakup. The Who, What, Where, When, Why, and Hows can dominate our thoughts and create an almost catatonic effect if we let them. It’s possible that for the first week or two this is your mind/body’s way of telling you what it needs: Just a little bit of time to sit back, absorb the blow, and recharge. There’s certainly nothing wrong with taking a brief time-out. But if time continues to pass and nothing has changed, then it’s time to become more proactive.

Unfortunately, while it might seem productive, constantly asking ourselves questions is also one of the least effective strategies to feeling better. While we all have our own greatest hits list of break up questions, one of the most common is some version of “How did this happen?”

It’s almost as if we ask ourselves enough times we will eventually stumble upon the right answer, providing us with the relief we’ve been searching for — but we won’t. And, any sound breakup advice will state this fact. Monday morning quarterbacking doesn’t work in the NFL and it doesn’t work with a breakup. In fact, asking “How did this happen?” only makes us feel worse.

How come?

Because underneath each question is a statement. In general, the statement underneath “How did this happen?” is some version of “This should not have happened!” or “I didn’t want this to happen!.” The harsh reality is that it did happen. Continuing to ask yourself how it happened only serves as a distractor from reality. And, if you try to avoid or reject reality, you will always lose.

We don’t have to like it, but if we want to stop being zombies and rejoin the living, then our focus should be on working to accept, not approve, this loss. This shift in thinking will not take away the pain of a breakup (nothing in the immediate aftermath will), but it will help reduce the intensity.

– Jon

Breakup Advice: Call/Text/Snapchat the ex?

One of the most common questions I hear from clients seeking breakup advice is, “Is it okay for me to call my ex?” In short, the answer is, “Probably not” – at least not in the beginning. I say probably because there are always going to be extenuating circumstances, like if you live together and have to figure out logistics. But, overall you’re not doing yourself any favors by reaching out to this person. There was a reason for the break up, right?

In my experience, I’ve found that exes continue to talk to each other because they miss having that “someone” around. It’s old habit to say goodnight, or to text them for dinner plans on a random Wednesday. And, not having that just flat out hurts. So when you do call them and talk, of course it feels nice. It reminds you of that feeling of support that’s missing in your new post-breakup life. But that call or text, no matter how innocent, prevents you from moving forward. Just because it feels good in the moment doesn’t mean it’s going to be helpful long term. Any breakup advice that says differently is misleading.

I like to think of phone calls to the recent ex as a pain avoidance mechanism. You are in pain and reaching out will make you feel better temporarily. But if you’re just reaching out to make yourself feel better, you’re treating the “symptom” and not the cure. For example, if I have coffee breath during the day, I could pop a mint in my mouth. But that would only work for a short period of time. The real solution would be to brush my teeth – and, probably stop drinking coffee in the afternoon. But, that’s not a relationship I’m ready to let go of quite yet.

Not having contact after a breakup allows you to go through the emotional swings that are necessary to get better. Yes, it is painful and, yes, it is difficult. But these feelings are natural. Calling the ex after a breakup only makes it worse and lengthens the time it takes to feel better. That’s breakup advice you can put to the test.

– Jon