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Male Anxiety (“Manxiety”): The Lesser Known of the Anxiety Genders

Despite driving a pickup and owning steel-toed boots, I’m not a “man’s man.” I don’t look or sound tough, and I feel awkward at Home Depot. I own a gun, but it’s for caulking bathrooms. My life is a dichotomy in that I’ve spent years in Taekwondo, love football and rodeos, but have an affinity for frozen yogurt and watching Netflix with merlot and soy vanilla candles next to my cats, Thelma & Louise. I attribute my temperament to genes and California hippy tap water.

The origins of personal traits, to include anxiety, can be biological, environmental, or inadvertently “seed-planted” by anxious parents. Male anxiety (aka, “manxiety”) is clinically contagious if you’re around it long enough. My dad, a manly victim of indecisiveness, often had me second-guessing my own life choices, or not making one at all. To this day, I’m often paralyzed by an Applebee’s lunch menu or yellow traffic light.

Men are stalwarts of resolve with an uncanny ability to chug beer, char meat, and kill one another.

We recognize that our cars and lawn mowers need tune-ups and diagnostic tests, but we rarely wash our feet in the shower, let alone visit a physician for our own check-ups – especially for anything regarding the brain. And when we don’t prioritize our own wellbeing, neither do others. If you’re a man with anxiety, however, the norms become skewed and irrational.

I grew-up a hypochondriac certain that every pain, rash, bump, or twitch was something malignant or terminal. I visit the hospital countless times per year while spending the equivalent of a Range Rover of backup dancers on annual copays. What I thought was testicular cancer was an inguinal hernia from doing deadlifts. What I was certain was genital herpes was an ingrown hair. What I feared was Lyme Disease was an allergic reaction to grass. And what I accepted as a heart attack turned out to be … anxiety.

Only twice did I not go to a hospital when I should have. The first was at 18 while suffering intense chest pains and labored breathing because I had unknowingly collapsed a lung. In my defense, I thought it was heartburn. The second was when I intermittently pee’d blood over a 10-month stint. A rational man would interpret hematuria as the ultimate motivation for a hospital visit. But the only thing worse than my fear of potential hospice, was the anxiety of a pending cystoscopy.

Consequently, I settled on platinum level denial until I landed in surgery and chemo. Ignorance is a prickly muse. With chronic male anxiety, it’s torturous to determine what warrants an ER visit versus antacids. And when it came to my mental health, I handled it like most men: denial, distraction, and drugs. In that order.

Most men with anxiety have no idea what’s wrong with them – like Bill Bixby in “The Hulk,” they just feel “off.”

Denial and distraction are why so many men walk around as functioning alcoholics or addicts. In the absence of knowing any better or a willingness to seek help regarding male anxiety, we plug the holes however we can. But if you treated any other disorder by ignoring or avoiding it, the outcome would be similarly grim. You can ignore asthma and diabetes for a while too. But every disorder has its dues.

Since anxiety, depression, and all disorders of the mind are still largely stigmatized among men, my first coping tactic was denial; lest I appear weak and vulnerable among my peers. “While some may consider this a stereotype – that men do not seek help for mental health issues – it is statistically correct… men are much more stigmatized by any admission of a psychiatric illness and are much less likely to seek treatment,” cites Sammie LaMont Moss, MD, a psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Denver.

This is particularly troublesome as depression and anxiety in men are more likely to manifest in substance abuse and suicidal behavior. “We often see in the clinical setting that an attempt to address anxiety can manifest in different ways. For example, men will turn to substances like alcohol or cannabis for some immediate relief, which can cause long-term, harmful effects,” says Moss.

How anxiety presents in men:

I’m an exceptionally kind and empathetic guy, but anxiety makes me irritable and angry. If I’m forced to socially interact or deal with a rude stranger, I become a Chupacabra with a flashpoint of Aqua Net. I expend great effort trying to determine when I’m feeling anxious before it defaults to a felony persona. But distinguishing between anxiety and petulance requires Maharajah level introspection.

“Due to the social pressure that men experience based on the unwritten rule that men are to be strong and in control at all times, anxiety is not easily identifiable in men, even if that man’s anxiety has reached overwhelming levels” says San Diego psychologist and singer/songwriter, Dr. Bruce Thiessen. “Many of the symptoms may express somatically, in the form of medical problems or conditions, such as ulcers, back pain, hypertension and the like,” he says.

Chicago-based clinical psychologist and founder of the LEAP Center for Anxiety, Dr. Dustin Siegel, agrees. “A lot of men have been told their whole lives to ’man up’ or ‘be tough.’ It’s hard for many men to talk to someone else about their vulnerabilities, and one of the paradoxical truths about mental health is that the more a person – male or female – tries to bottle-up their feelings, the more likely they are to develop a problem.”

If I simply ignored my feelings of angst, I could pretend anxiety didn’t exist for me. But denial wasn’t designed nor intended to work long-term. And when denying anxiety exacerbated problems, I turned to distraction. People’s secrets were always safe with me because I was never listening. Distraction is an effective but equally short-term, non-curative technique in countering stress or discomfort, in that it avoids addressing the core issue.

How does chronic anxiety for men differ in anxiety for women?

“The most obvious signs of male anxiety are the physical ones,” says Psychiatrist and Chief Medical Officer at Success TMS, Dr. Lindsay Israel. “Men might find themselves going to the emergency room or their primary care provider with complaints of chest pain, fearful they are having a heart attack,” adds Israel. As men, we need to save our hearts for red meat and breakups.

Though anxiety is an equal opportunist, Israel shares that “women are twice as likely to develop an anxiety disorder as compared to men, and women are more likely to seek help for their anxiety symptoms. Therefore, men are more likely to develop severe symptoms of anxiety and possibly develop an additional depressive disorder due to the lack of treatment intervention.”

Dr. Thiessen confirms this assertion adding that, “men are also more likely to become aggressive, and to develop problems in their relationships, due to dysfunctional ways of expressing their anxiety. Many men turn to drugs alcohol, gambling, and personally-destructive sexual addictions to relieve chronic stress through escape,” says Thiessen.

In my case, I wielded distraction like artillery over my physical wellbeing. I over trained in the gym, over ran the trails, and over swam in the lap pool. But I also over imbibed alcohol. Drinking to distract is a futile endeavor. I would later harm-reduce to cannabis edibles, tinctures, and vapes. And on a few occasions, I casually overdid those too. Overdosing on sativa edibles leads to a nauseous, frenzied panic that is ruefully memorable with a hangover that rivals kerosene.

So, what to do with all this male anxiety?

Men are fixers. We often try to fix things and people that aren’t broke. It’s important to note that acute anxiety that prompts us to do our taxes or flee a K-pop mob is healthy. Once it becomes long term or chronic, however, it’s detrimental to one’s physical and mental health.

“One of the best ways for men to become comfortable with accepting that he has a mental health issue is to speak to other people,” says Moss. “Quite often a man will be surprised to learn how many other people are suffering similar difficulties. Finding out that you are not alone can go long way to help normalize what you’re experiencing,” adds Moss. Anxiety doesn’t always love company, but it loves perspective.

Thiessen upholds this tenant. “Men need to feel accepted, and not judged, for showing both strength and weakness. Society might judge them, mental health providers will not,” he says. In almost every instance where I’ve revealed my anxiety struggles to another man, he has replied in commiseration with his own. It’s not that I only talk with guys at wine bars or waiting outside Zara stores at malls. Rather it’s indicative of the ratio and cross section of men silently suffering from anxiety.

You don’t need a panic room; you need a panic plan.

There are simple and clinically effective things men can do to lower their anxiety:

Talk to your primary care provider who could potentially prescribe medication or refer you to other specialists who can help. “This is also an area where group therapy, segregated by gender, may help – particularly for men who are stigmatized and think they’re being seen as weak or as a victim. Learning what other men experience can help break that stigma,” highlights Moss.
There are phone apps for anything from interpreting your cat’s meows, to fermenting mead in your man-shed, to treating your anxiety while preserving your privacy. Moss encourages his patients to leverage smart phone apps like Calm, myStrength, and Headspace. Digital therapeutics are a thing now.
Biofeedback, medications such as SSRIs, SNRIs, and in more recent years, neuromodulation such as TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) are all effective options of treatment for anxiety disorders. “Typically, it is not any one modality that targets these symptoms for a person, it is more often a combination of various modalities that gives the most optimal results,” says Israel.
Physical exercise is an exceptional way to relieve anxiety. “Exercise prevents an excessive buildup of cortisol in the body, while increasing levels of epinephrine and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters that modulate of anxiety, and regulate mood and emotion, yielding a sense of peace of mind,” cites Thiessen. Hakuna Masquata, fellow men. Moss suggests also integrating healthy lifestyle choices, nutritious eating, and limiting harmful substances like alcohol and cannabis.

More than just the ‘greatest hits’ to contest male anxiety, this is my own triage to maintaining a career, relationships, and a life largely unfettered by the cerebral minesweeper of anxiety.

Because there’s no place like “om.”

Real Friends Don’t Leave You Behind When You Tie Your Shoes

Humans are incapable of unconditional love and support. We aren’t Jesus or Golden Retrievers. But friendships often get tested, which can determine if they fulfill even the basic tenets of a steadfast alliance.

Nothing separates friendship wheat and chaff like personal crisis.

The issue has less to do with the strength of the bond, and more with our individual strength of character. Therefore, you’ll see fringe acquaintances rise above all expectations during hard times, while lifetime “besties” often fall flat in providing emotional support … or helping you move.

I avoid risky physical endeavors so I’m not rendered paralyzed or suffer a traumatic brain injury, because few of my friends are inherently kind enough to drop-off Miller Lite and Advil or remove my Christmas tree without wondering what’s in it for them. I’ve replaced these friends with ones I can rely on, like Instacart and Uber Eats.

“I’m Sorry I annoyed you with my unwavering friendship.”

When my mom’s cancer recently spread to her brain, requiring an ominous surgery, I didn’t see her for months while she was hospitalized due to Covid protocols. “Close” friends knew full-well of my struggle. But after two weeks, the check-ins ceased. As if sending a text was too cumbersome. I realized that my friendships existed only because of sarcasm and alcohol. Truth is that many people don’t have enough nice-juice to sustain lengthy compassion or empathy.

Some people are simply too distracted or facing their own trials to tap into much more. They need your crisis to abate before you quickly drain them of their courtesy reserves. Guys are the worst with this; unless they’re a pastor or bartender.

In 2020, support of any kind became a luxury, with an entire populace spread thin contending with the flurry of bummer-hail reigning down. But care still abounds – you just need to know where to find it. Here are a few “ins:”

1. IN an Animal Shelter. Consider adopting/rescuing a pet. The positive emotional and mental impact a pet (or, four) can have is both quantifiable and immeasurable.

2. IN a Side-Hustle. Jump hastily into a passion project or side hustle. You aren’t defined by your job, unemployment, or mental state(s). You are the sum of your passions and related contributions. The World needs your gifts.

3. IN the Now. Stay rooted in the moment (aka, mindfulness), from one single instant to the next. Do not look to the past, and certainly don’t project into the future. There’s nothing in either place for you.

4. IN Beads of Sweat. Before you can vibe and attract the right people, you’ve got to be your best self in body, mind, and spirit. Exercise will get you 33.33% closer to the goal. Whether it’s regular walks or hikes, weightlifting, CrossFit, or taking your new rescue pup to the dog park, get your glisten on.

5. IN Volunteerism. Philanthropy is the quickest and most direct path out of your own head. It’s also bastes your psyche in much needed catharsis and perspective whenever things feel the direst. Start here: https://www.volunteermatch.org/

6. IN Introspection. There is considerable value in self-examination, to include analyzing your own motivations and actions. This includes examining why you attract and roll with your current tribe. Once you better understand yourself – whether by brief epiphany or wholly “knowing thyself” – you’ll allow only the highest caliber of people into your circle.

Be your own best friend first, and you’ll meet some equally awesome ones along the way.

In the meantime, you’ve got me and my rescues, Thelma & Louise.

One of the Best Panic Books of All Time!

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety made it to the Best Panic Attack Books of All Time

We are happy to announce that 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety: Simple Tips, Techniques and Strategies for Overcoming Anxiety, Worry and Panic Attacks, made it to BookAuthority’s Best Panic Attack Books of All Time.

BookAuthority collects and ranks the best books in the world, and it is a great honor to get this kind of recognition. Thank you for all your support.

The book is available for purchase on Amazon and everywhere the best books of all time are sold. 🙂

The Relationship Between Anxiety and Grief

It’s no surprise that levels of anxiety are surging right now. Repeated waves of COVID-19, and the lockdowns they bring in their wake, make this an incredibly difficult time for our mental health. There are many contributing factors to anxiety – with our lifestyle, environment, genetics, and even hormonal imbalances all having their part to play.

What’s not always acknowledged for its role in anxiety, however, is grief.

Discussions about grief tend to focus on the feelings of sadness, loss and desolation that can follow the death of a loved one. What they rarely touch upon is how anxiety and grief are intrinsically bound up with one another. Even someone who has previously enjoyed low-levels of anxiety can be hit with a sudden unexpected tsunami of worry as they come to terms with their loss. In fact, many grief counsellors suggest that anxiety should be included as one of the stages of grief that we all have to go through.

Why do anxiety and grief so often go hand in hand? There are many reasons behind this, of course, and it’s impossible to cover them all, but the following points are some of the most important.

Bereavement is the most stressful event we will ever experience. Anxiety is exacerbated by stressful life events. These can be any number of things, with both marriage and divorce scoring highly as a potential stressor. Beating them all on the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory is the death of a spouse, with the death of a close family member a little further behind.

The death of a loved one reminds us that we are mortal. When we lose someone we love, we’re reminded just how little control we have over our lives. We’re all going to die at some point, and this realisation hits particularly hard after our first significant bereavement. How we come to terms with the fact of our own mortality will play a key role in the future quality of our lives.

Credit: Sandy Millar

We fear more loss. As well as bringing our own mortality into focus, grief reminds us that we may lose other people who are close to us. If we lose one parent, we may then be excessively anxious about losing the other. Intense anxiety may make it difficult to enjoy what time we have left with those we love.

Trauma teaches us to be anxious. Traumatic events can lead to what’s known as classical conditioning. If the news of our loved one’s death came in a phone call, then every time the phone rings we may fear the worst.

We may be anxious about our ability to cope. How will we manage without our loved one? We may fear that we won’t be able to take care of the practical and emotional challenges that we may face now that we’re on our own. In a particularly challenging year like 2020, these worries become even more pressing.

Credit: Thomas Bormans

You fear the intensity of emotions that grief can bring. Grief is a deeply unpleasant state to be in, and it can be overwhelming. Going through it, however, is vital if we’re to move forward in life. Many people, particularly if it’s their first experience of grief, work hard to push it away and move on. This creates anxiety around their own emotional responses.

You begin to overestimate the risk of negative life events. Before a significant loss, you might have had a generally benevolent view of life. Bereavement, particularly when you’ve lost someone who was relatively young or who died in tragic circumstances, can radically unsettle that world view. You may now overcompensate by overestimating the risk of accidents, serious illness or early death, leading to increased levels of anxiety.

Grief, whenever it comes, is a complex and, to a degree, mysterious state. It’s unavoidable for most of us, and how we respond to it can determine the future course of our lives as the pain starts to heal. Understanding the role our anxiety plays can be a valuable part of the grieving process. It can help us to accept, then begin to move through the painful emotions we are experiencing.

Myths We Tell Ourselves and Others to Ease Suffering

We tell people in the throes of adversity silly things in attempts to placate their angst. We also bask ourselves in a litany of clichés during stressful times to counter emotional suffering. We post them to social media, or tape them to our fridge next to that “Live, Love, Laugh” trope and the grocery list.

It’s not that we mean to be trite – it’s that we often don’t know what else to do or say to offer support.

Classic standby platitudes include the following:

God will never give you more than you can handle.
God never actually said this. Just ask Moses or Job. But it sounds nice, while imparting just enough hope to accept that spilled $6 latte or another mass shooting.
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
Tons of stuff can make you weaker … just before killing you. Have you ever seen someone bleed out?
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
What a cute little absurdity. Excrement, sweat, and urea are weaknesses leaving the body. Pain can stick around indefinitely.
Opportunity often comes disguised as adversity.
Opportunity doesn’t think this far in advance. Maybe it’s just shy, or likes surprising us. Either way, opportunity and adversity are as discernible as love and hate, or Michael Jackson skin tones through the decades.
The Serenity Prayer.
Maybe this one helps, I don’t know. I can never remember the words.
We have nothing to fear by fear itself.
FDR married his fifth cousin … do his mantras have any credibility? Also, there are plenty of things to fear, like dating apps, light beer, or former child actors. His point is moot.
God helps those who help themselves.
I fell for this one too. Stand back, mere mortal – God doesn’t need our help.
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.
I’m a rabid fan of Robert Frost, but his death in 1963 negates this proverbial gem.

There’s a reason canned, verbal peps don’t work: They’re simply not true. Can you think of a single instance of personal suffering where you recited anything similar, and felt a change in your emotions or mindset? We aren’t The Little Engine that Could.

When my grandmother, Hazel, my mom, and I were all diagnosed with cancers within the same year, I was emotionally spent and, honestly, pissed-off at the cosmos … or whoever made-up that “God will never give you more than you can handle” puff-slogan.

The topper of that time, however, was that from all the night-grinding of my teeth from stress, I had bone loss and gum recession in my lower jaw, requiring a $2,000 gum surgery. Human cadaver forearm skin was grafted to the inside of my lower gumline, while using growth factor from my own blood to lessen the tissue rejection. This prevented me from cursing aloud at life for wronging me, as I risked the piece of dead arm flying from my mouth.

No enemy is worse than bad advice. – Sophocles

I can assure you that there were no cute motivational quips that could fix all that ailed me that year. Yet, friends would dispense asinine “pick-me-ups” while I fake smiled over gritted teeth and gums that weren’t mine.

Some of their trivial well-wishes included, “Just put one foot in front of the other;” “Tomorrow is a new day;” or “It’ll get better!” (the last person wasn’t even trying). The advice my friends gave me was as useless as the “ueue” in queue.

I knew they meant well, but had no offerings beyond the preceding hollow citations. And, I can’t blame them. I have a friend whom recently lost his mom to Covid in an ICU. I too struggled to placate his suffering with the right spoken Band-Aid.

It’s not that we don’t want to assuage the angst that we or someone we care about is feeling – it’s that doing so is a skill so few of us are trained to do.

**So, What Can You Do For Someone (or, Yourself) Who is Going Through a Tough Time?**

In absence of helping a friend sponge-bathe their infirmed parent, or donating your own arm skin for their mouth, there are simple but surprisingly helpful things you can do.

1. If it’s you going through a difficult time, radically accept what is happening to you. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you have to agree with what’s happening or how you feel about it – but you accept it as it is, no matter how painful or inconvenient it is. C’est la vie. Whatever will be, will be. It is so, so it is. There is incredible freedom in merely accepting how things are.

2. Regularly check-in with yourself and your feelings. If you’re feeling irritable, for example, take tangible steps to lessen your angst. This might include taking regular long walks or working-out, watching a comedy, turning-off your phone and reading some Dave Barry or David Letterman, or doing some guided meditations from YouTube.

3. If it’s a friend hurting, simply ask them how they are doing. Then be present and listen. You don’t need to offer nuggets of life-altering advice. It’s actually best that you don’t. Just listen.

4. Ask how you can best support them during this trying time. If it’s you who is hurting, how can you be your own best advocate? Hint: regular sleep, healthy eating, and not self-isolating.

5. Be consistent. Don’t check-in once and fade to black. Check-in regularly, even if via text.

6. Lastly, avoid the trite prose fails we often default upon. And, the next time someone gives you useless advice, convince them that having another baby will save their relationship.

This is Why Your Airline Boarding Process is a Pop-Up Circus…

In few other affairs is your life-status so publicly displayed than during the airline boarding process. This is by design. Airlines revel in publicly grading you by airport megaphone. It’s their preferred grandstand to reward or demean customers based on how much you spend with them.

The stress of traveling and the battle cry for the arm rest and window shade begin long before you’re seated. It starts with trying to determine what time to leave for the airport, followed by the wildly inconsistent process of “security” screening. Next is procuring one’s $9 bottle of municipal water to allay the low humidity, desiccating journey. Finally, you face the fire-sale of airline boarding.

All airlines all do the same thing – move people from one place to another via the troposphere. The way in which they begin their process, however, can greatly vary and is most evident in the boarding process.

As soon as the gate attendant blows into a hot mic, people leap to their feet into pole position, blocking all pathways to the jetway ready to blitz the ticket scanner.

There are notable reasons we act like Billy goats during the boarding process, to include the following:

Mob Mentality. Research scientists have found that the actions of as few as five people can influence a crowd of 100 to follow suit. Trust your inner oracle and initiate ‘active observer’ status.
Competition. We want to be first on and the first off the plane. It often becomes every passenger for him/herself, as if airports and planes are netherworlds where common sense and courtesies don’t apply.
Impatience. People crowd the gate under the illusion of getting to their destination faster. The plane doesn’t leave until everyone is on-board. A superior use of time is to find nearby space and do some birthing squats and leg stretches to avoid the onset of DVT.
Baggage fees. Ever since the airlines started charging for checked baggage, the boarding process has been more like a Walmart Black Friday than a process conducted by grownups. Planes almost always have enough overhead bin space for every passenger. In fact, newer planes have increased bin space. But they still don’t want you using it.

The airlines have mastered the manipulative art of anxiety seed-planting so you’ll pay a little more to check your bag or opt for earlier boarding. They depend on such fees to remain profitable. The U.S. Department of Transportation’s annual airline baggage fee report found that domestic carriers collected nearly $5 billion in baggage fees in 2018, up from $4.5 billion in 2017 and $1.1 billion a decade ago. They’ll do whatever it takes to scare you into dropping coin.

When you pay that $30 to check a bag or $25 to move up a boarding group, the fees go straight to the airline’s profit margin. While base ticket prices cover only operating costs (i.e., fuel, salaries, maintenance, etc. After making you feel lucky to get on their plane at all, airlines will ease your angst by selling an Economy ticket holder Priority Boarding for $15 and up. How selfless.

To maximize profits, airlines create the illusion of grossly limited bin space, while continuing to splice boarding groups into thinner stratifications. You board according to your value to the airline, with the last group boarding at a bargain price in exchange for a willingness to be degraded.

You must only consider the 10 tiers of the Delta Airlines boarding process as a depiction of the psychological game you’ve entered:

1. Pre-Boarding.

Reverence to this esteemed group for their sacrifices – whether in battle with enemies overseas, with unruly toddlers on the home front, or because they’ve been injured or debilitated along life’s way. No one can hate on a pre-boarder. Unless, they’re faking it to avoid the stigma of #9 below.

2. Delta One®

Like most of the groups in this boarding sequence, it’s unclear what these terms even mean – but, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Delta One® is the Illuminati of boarding groups. The only way into this stratum is to kill and assume the traveling victim’s identity.

3 & 4. First Class – OR – Delta Premium Select

Ah, a group where you may know someone who knows someone. It’s fancy like the others. But, it’s an extravagance that only the 1% or some lucky voyager of an oversold flight can aspire to.

5. Delta Comfort+®

It’s true, the birthright of comfort has been filched from us and monetized. “If you want to travel humanely, you’re going to pay.” Sincerely, The Airlines.

6. Sky Priority®

This subset of marquee member designees is a “who’s who” cadre of worldly movers and shakers. If you can’t be one, kindly step aside so they can crush your toes with their carry-on and confidence. If you’re lucky, they’ll apologize like you’re some sort of equal.

7. Main Cabin 1

A bougie collection of explorers who like sitting on the plane longer than others, and later scorn you for kindly asking if that window seat in their row is available, as if you’ve broken into their home to sit on their lap in a recliner. They’re the last lot of semi-elites before the fuselage filler-fruit of overhead bin peckers come nipping at their totes.

8. Main Cabin 2

The fodder of nameless, faceless passengers now trudge toward lap tray nirvana. These are hapless folk who roll onto the jet bridge like the end credits of a sad movie. Airline personnel avoid making eye contact as if they know you barely chipped-in for gas.

9. Main Cabin 3

This is Delta crypto-code for “you’ll be punished for your frugality once the cabin door closes.” Maybe sooner.

10. Basic Economy

These are my people – the pauper class. You can identify us by the panicked craning of necks toward airport windows to see if the plane is still there. We our further flagged to all by repeated announcements of “Lastly, BASIC ECONOMY and anyone without status or esteem may board.” The terminal feels empty. Our muted shame is palpable.

In order to increase your anxiety and subtly pressure you to pay for priority, the airlines apply these divisions while trading longer boarding times for additional revenue. United boards in six groups, while American and Delta each have 10.

However, because they’ve created so many layers, many early boarding groups are sparsely populated. In the seeming cataclysmic event no bin space is available, your bag will be gate-checked for free, and will likely appear before you do at the other end of the destination airport.

I’m a bag-checker. I like to travel nimble at the risk of landing in Bismarck while my bag lands in Biscayne. It has yet to happen, and I stride onto every flight with only a backpack of books, snacks, Sani-wipes, and the accoutrements to enhance an aerial penance. Truth is, I’ve flown Basic Economy on Delta countless times, on fully-booked flights, and sometimes with a carry-on. I had no issues. The illusion of a gate bag-check is worse than the reality, even if your bag ends-up in a bin rows behind you.

In the future, airlines could be under any array of boarding procedures – to include removing the seats altogether and tethering each passenger to a standing pole.

Airlines have razor thin margins, and they’re crafty at separating us from our money. Which is why they invented turbulence and baggage fees. One thing’s for sure: They will remain profitable, and we will remain uncomfortable.

Now, enjoy THIS parody of the aforementioned.

What to Do If Your Ex Contacts You After You’ve Said Goodbye

Ignoring your ex
How to handle an ex you want to keep in the past when they want to be in your present.

As you read this, there are millions of people across the world suffering from a love-rift somewhere while sending ill-fated texts. Studies show that to the brain, quitting love and heroin are the same. Our brains cannot differentiate another human from smack.

The initial stage of a breakup often includes regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and beguiling emojis in vain attempts to recon the defector, each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within days … or, hours. This phase is rife with the fuzzy logic that there is just the right mix of words and pleading to get you to reconsider.

Why does My Ex Keep Contacting Me?

In short? Denial and the hope for a different outcome. Denial is a coping mechanism that gives us time to adjust to distressing situations. Being in denial gives your mind the opportunity to unconsciously absorb shocking or distressing information at a pace that won’t send you into a psychological tailspin (Mayo Clinic, Denial: When it helps, when it hurts, 2011). When the reality hits that you’ve been dumped, denial is a great tool; as in “If I don’t think about it, then it’s not happening,” or “I can totally fix this, I just need another shot.” A less obvious way denial presents could be as a denial of inner strength: “I can’t handle this sh#t!” The issue with denial as a coping mechanism is that it’s not a long-term solution. Remaining in denial is not healthy, and it’s unnerving to onlookers.

The agony following a broken relationship is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties. Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. It’s also why hot people are crazy. It’s a deterrent for our own safety. But, breakups often include record-setting pleading; a deluge of one-way, restraining-order-level communications; panic that borders on neurosis; and trying to resuscitate the relationship pulse through text and social media.

Exes usually continue to talk because they miss having someone around. It’s old habit to say “goodnight,” or sext on a random weeknight to someone who won’t call the cops.

Now the breakupee stares thunderstruck at a silent phone, willing it to ding with a text from you, while feeling a dreadful void from losing that regular communiqué. If you reply to your late pursuer with anything less than F-bombs and the threat of legal action, it feels great to them. But it’s akin to another hit of heroin for a recovering addict. It will satiate the cravings for a bit, but you’re only resetting their recovery clock while adding to your own stress to keep them from teetering over an imperceptible edge.

What Does the Research Say?

Per a study published in the journal Review of General Psychology, just like the brain is hardwired to fall in love, it also has a mechanism that helps us fall out of love and move along. This is easier for some than others, however. Stalking is not cute, romantic, or funny. And, oftentimes it’s more than, “I was just bored and curious…” Conversely, an “I miss you” doesn’t equal “I want to get back together and adopt Russian toddlers.”

Take solace knowing that your ex’s love longings are quite normal – to an extent. Research eludes to a physiological basis to cravings for an ex. Lucy Brown, Ph.D., Professor in the Department of Neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and her colleagues used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to record the brain activity of adults who had experienced a recent unwanted breakup, and who reported still feeling love for their ex. “Upon viewing brain photographs of their former partners, there was activity in the areas associated with reward and motivation, specifically, the release of dopamine that is also seen in drug addiction. Therefore, people may experience cravings for their ex-partner similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from.”

So, What Can You do About the Uninvited Contact?

In the throes of pain, the shortest route to ending heartache is seemingly with the source. It’s not. It is within us and not with our defector. Consequently, it is not your responsibility to ferry your ex to healing shores. Your takeaway is first to have empathy, followed by impenetrable boundaries and a steadfast “no contact” rule to the benefit of you both. Fully unplug from your ex – including from their social media. Until there’s a methadone for breakups, any reply keeps the dynamic going and prevents you both from moving on with your lives. It also exposes you to further distress, while hindering their emotional recovery and increasing their longing for reconciliation.

Required Steps for Managing an Ex Who Won’t Stop Contacting You:

Stop communicating with your ex unless you share custody of a mini human(s).
Repeat.

If for some reason you cannot block them – like maybe you’re keeping a tally of texts/calls for a judge, or you want your labradoodle back – then change their name in your phone to “Caution,” “Beelzebub,” or “Do Not Answer.” This is not a game; it’s not about punishment or revenge, or to make your ex mad while feeding your own ego. It’s self-care.

Do it for them. Do it for you.

Not everyone loves you enough to leave you alone. If you’re ever going to be friends, it will happen later. Or, never.

Guest Post: Is Anxiety Killing Us as a Culture?

Anxiety is currently a serious problem. As a whole, the collective mind – particularly in Western cultures and North America – seems to be getting more distraught, more stressed, and more anxious.

This is creating a number of problems in society as a whole. Is anxiety killing us as a culture?

How Could Anxiety Do So Much Damage?

When someone is anxious, it’s a reflection of inner turmoil. Many of us deal with existential anxiety – the constant, looming sense of having no real idea of what we’re doing on this planet, or where our lives are going. Working, raising kids, going to school, and living in noisy, crowded cities can all promote high levels of anxiety.

This is problematic on its own – but unfortunately, a lot of people don’t acknowledge their anxiety or refuse to seek help for it. This means that there are millions of people living their lives in a state of anxiety while also believing that there’s no reason that they should seek help for it.

Anxiety is running rampant in society, creating a litany of problems.

Driving while anxious makes one more likely to have an accident.
High anxiety levels are leading to higher rates of drug addiction and overdose.
Parents who are anxious all the time are likely to raise anxious children (anxiety seed-planting).
High levels of anxiety and stress are known to contribute to physical diseases and is likely a factor in the increasing rates of disease in the United States.
Serious anxiety can develop into other conditions, a lower quality of life, and make people more likely to act out irrationally or even violently.

Knowing this, there’s no doubt that anxiety is something worthy of treatment. But what can we do?

How to Manage Anxiety

One of the reasons that people may not treat their anxiety is because they’re not sure how to go about it. Here are some reliable ways to manage anxiety.

Find a Therapist. Many people fear therapy will label them as some sort of ‘nut-case,’ but this isn’t anywhere close to truth. The brain is an organ that can screw-up like any other organ in the body. Does having asthma or cancer make you a lesser person? Hardly. The reality is that we’re all struggling with some sort of internal issue, and the strongest people are those who seek out therapy to improve themselves regardless of what others think. You can easily find a therapist on the Psychology Today website, or speak to an online therapist through one of many companies.
Consider Meditation or Breathing Exercises. Meditation has been used for thousands of years to help people manage things like chronic stress and anxiety. Beginning a meditation routine and doing it properly will yield profound results that can measurably improve both physical and mental health. Meditation has even been scientifically proven to lower cortisol, the stress hormone.
Practice Gratitude. Consistently (daily) focusing on just three gratitudes – no matter how small – at the end of each day, has a twofold effect: (1) It slows and replaces negative thought patterns with something entirely different. (2) It rewires the brain to stop automatically seeking the “bad.” Studies show that we can physically rewire and retrain the brain! Doing something 40 – 50 times creates new pathways, neurons and synapses in the brain that can be seen via MRI. And, doing it 60 times or more will actually thicken and reinforce those neuron bundles for the long-term!

If you follow these tips, then you’ll surely find that your mental health improves in no time.