depression advice

Men, Anxiety, and Depression: 8 Ways to Mind Your “Manxiety.”

Men don’t get a lot of compassion – not as a gender, not toward one another, and not toward ourselves. We are the more impulsive, less-refined gender that has not progressed much since our cave-dwelling days, though we’ve learned to use salad forks and sneeze into our arms.

Sadly, and perhaps due to our ruffian nature, men are often perceived as an expendable lot, regularly sent to do life’s dirty work like defusing IEDs or repossessing tractors. When duty calls, somewhere a willing man answers.

The standards of masculinity are making men sick

It’s our own culture that depicts men as the stronger sex. This might be true when it comes to opening new bottles of ketchup or scaling a tree to save a kitten. But when it comes to our mental health, men are subjected to a culture in which the standards of masculinity literally make us sick. Men comprise the majority suicides but the minority of mental health service users.

It’s a myth that men have only two feelings: hungry and horny. Male anxiety, depression, and suicide represent a silent crisis, and one of the biggest challenges in combating mental health disorders in men is that they are difficult to reach through traditional methods, like physicians or mental health programs. Moreover, their conditions are often masked by risky behaviors, self-harm, and substance abuse.

Anxiety and depression run feral and cloaked within many men. Most try to channel or compartmentalize it while it individually displays as forms of fatigue or apathy; insomnia or lethargy; substance abuse; irritability; conflict and anger; isolation; impulsivity and risky behaviors; mood swings; relationship and job problems; denial; self-criticism; aches, pains, or digestive problems; indecision; and suicidal thoughts. I personally distracted from my anxiety and depression with feats of athleticism and binge drinking, resulting in 13 orthopedic surgeries and countless broken bones. I had no choice but to become a writer: My hands were the only thing not in a cast or physical therapy.

Emotions have no gender

Many men are too obstinate or ashamed to seek help for anything involving their head except balding or a nail from an air gun. Sadly, men hide behind the facades they feel pressed to create. Men have come to accept many things, but being considered weak isn’t one of them. Yet forms of anxiety and PTSD are conditions of the tough-minded.

Mental disorders and illness don’t care if you’re a war vet, foreman, or florist. They’re indiscriminate mind sweepers. They can happen to anyone, at any age or gender. And it’s not “all in your head”; mental illness is a medical problem that can wreak havoc 24/7 like any ailment affecting any other organ. There are tactics, however, that will can you an advantage.

8 ways to mind your manxiety

Radical acceptance is the new denial. One option you have for any problem is radical acceptance.¹ Radical acceptance is about radically accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you can’t change. Radically and mindfully accept that you can’t control everything, and accept yourself, even when you feel unacceptable.
Coffee and booze lie to you. Caffeine sets unrealistic expectations for your daily productivity and can spike anxiety. Though low doses (200 mg) are known to improve cognitive performance, studies reveal higher anxiety levels in moderate and high caffeine consumers compared to abstainers.²Alcohol is a depressant that slows down the brain and the central nervous system’s processes and can make stress harder to deal with long-term. “Living your best life” and “liquor” are antonyms.
Let me hear your body talk. Channel nervous energy, stress, and even depression into a regular exercise program. Physical exercise increases brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) expression, and many researchers now believe that regular exercise is the single best way to produce BDNF to naturally alter mood and reduce anxiety.³
Your bed is a time machine to pancakes. Sleep problems greatly exacerbate stress and anxiety, so promote good sleep hygiene: Get to bed early and at the same time each night. Turn off the electronics to turn off your thoughts and your stress. Research indicates that REM sleep may play an especially significant role in maintaining emotional well-being and psychological balance.⁴
Your cheat meal shouldn’t be a month long. Some say you can’t spell “salad” without “sad,” but there’s a direct correlation between a healthy diet and a positive mindset. During times of stress, we often turn to fast or processed foods which make us feel sluggish and less able to deal with stress. “Brain food,” such as the antioxidants in fruits and vegetables, is seen as improving cognitive function and idling with the prevention or easing of many stress-related mental disorders.⁵You’re doing it right if there’s no food at home, but just a bunch of ingredients to make food.
Plug your nose. Try alternate nostril breathing (aka, yogic breathing). This is a simple, natural breathing technique from Ayurvedic medicine that brings the body and mind into a state of balance and neutrality. Close one nostril by placing your thumb gently over it. Exhale; then inhale through the uncovered nostril. After each inhale/exhale (a breath cycle), switch sides. Then, leading with your out-breath, do one out-breath followed by one in-breath through each nostril. Repeat this series, alternating nostrils after each inhalation. It will likely be easier to breathe through one nostril than the other. You’re not deformed; it’s normal.
Be a freak of nature. A Stanford study found quantifiable evidence that walking in nature can reduce stress and lead to a lower risk of depression.⁶ By 2050, 70 percent of people will live in urban areas. Urbanization is associated with increased levels of mental illness, but it’s not yet clear why. Summer in the city ain’t where the living’s so easy. Anymore.
Get a mental spotter. Phone a Freud and get help through therapy. The easiest standard to use is that if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning, it’s time to get professional help. Make an appointment with your doctor or a mental health provider because you may need treatment to get better. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment for anxiety. A therapist can help restore you to factory settings.

It’s perfectly acceptable to be a male experiencing anxiety. Iron Man had chronic anxiety and he saved the world.

“He Died Doing What He Loved” (and other lies)

Is there anything you love doing so much that you wouldn’t mind dying while you did it?

Erotic asphyxiation? Gender reveal firework? Tiger selfie? Telling someone you’re vegan? Probably not. Why? Because if you love doing something , no matter what it is, you want to keep doing it. Which you can’t do if you’re dead.

We all die while doing what we love: living. But most of us don’t want to die doing it. And doesn’t the pain of your life ending surpass any love for whatever you were doing in the moment?

I don’t know who combined the facets of dying and doing what you love. These are mutually exclusive events that don’t go together. At all. It’s like saying, “At least he choked to death on a scallop because he loved seafood.” In this instance, he choked to death. He also loved mollusks. So why sugar butter coat it?

It’s always loved ones who proclaim this cliché because it gives them a semblance of peace. Like, just by saying it we can feel better imagining Ken the kiteboarder slamming face-first into the side of that sailboat with a toothy grin on his face knowing his death had meaning despite the skull numbing impact of forehead to fiberglass hull.

I love horses. But if one kicked me to death in the face I’d slip into the afterlife having regretted ever loving the equine genus.

And consider the Texas rattlesnake handler who died after he was bitten at a festival in South Texas in April, 2022. Despite 20-years of snake handling experience, Eugene De Leon Sr. was handling rattlesnakes in front of a crowd when he was bitten on the shoulder. His family stated on Facebook that (hold for surprise) “snake handling was his passion, and he died doing what he loved.”

We’d never say this if someone died of drug addiction. Which is biased since drugs were obviously their hobby and passion. “At least he died doing what he loved – shooting up.”

And what about all those who die in their sleep? Who doesn’t love sleeping? But you’ll never hear anyone eulogized this way because it doesn’t sound right. Which is why it’s more about the survivors than the deceased. The dead person doesn’t care if everyone knows they loved napping. Anyone over the age of five loves napping.

Personally, if I died doing what I loved it would be while canceling plans. And my obituary should reflect the truth. “Jon is survived by the few people he had left after bailing on most everyone else.”

We use a lot of euphemisms when it comes to death. He passed, he expired, he departed, he left this world, he’s no longer with us, etc. Then there are the myriad of platitudes we use to comfort others during a loss: “He’s no longer suffering;” “He’s in a better place;” “He’s looking down watching over us;” “He lived a full life;” and … “He died doing what he loved.”

Find what you love and let it kill you. – Charles Bukowski

Making new friends as a man is hard because we don’t want them. At our peril.

I used to be the life of the party and hoarded friends like wine corks. I don’t know when or why I acquiesced on solitude, but today I prefer HBO and my own company. And it was long before a pandemic afforded me the excuse for social exile. As I age, I also find myself more disagreeable. I sometimes want to socialize, but on my terms.

I made my teen best friend in seconds when we were both walking our dogs after school. It was as seamless then as clicking “add friend” on social media is today. Except we had real world depth, and would go on to create years of delinquent memories. When I see someone walking a dog today, I only talk to the dog.

Making new friends as an adult is like navigating a Costco by finger in the dark. Most of us don’t even know where to start. For males, it’s now a crisis and hits our mental health and wellbeing hard. Loneliness is correlated with longevity. It’s a risk factor for health problems such as cardiovascular disease and stroke.

Men often give up relationships in lieu of financial pursuits. Research suggests that focusing on the accumulation of wealth and material goods results in less overall happiness and satisfaction in relationships. Color me obvious.

But relationships with other people have more of an impact on our physical health and longevity than do our genes. Science says so. (Mineo, 2017, Vedantam, 2018). A life of satisfying relationships can extend longevity by up to 22 percent. Furthermore, research supports loneliness as a risk factor comparable to smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure.

Party of one, drinks for two.

These are the culprits for our aversion to making new friends and manly kumbaya:

Low trust
Lack of time
Introversion
Fear of rejection
And being too picky

One study found that the most important factors were “low trust,” followed by “lack of time” and “introversion.” There are also the selfish “variants of concern” that exacerbate male loneliness. Whenever we’re reemerging from our man sheds, a new variant provides another excuse to turtle and hunker. With no discernible pandemic end, men have ditched their homies to be homey.

The next time someone asks you for directions, give them directions to your house.
“See you in 20-minutes, new best friend.”

The upside of being a writer is that I can accrue “friends” I’ll never know or meet, but they’re out there … somewhere. Publishing is like socially extending myself without the teeth, handshakes, and cover charges.

Sometimes I’ll meet a fellow man and think he’d be cool to hang-out with. But how do you swoon another grown man without getting scissor kicked? Such advances could be misconstrued as sociopathic. I too question the motives of affable men. Are they trying to sell me a timeshare or skincare regimen? What if they’re a realtor, or worse: a “life coach?”

I’ve recently made male friends, but they don’t feel like my buddies of yore. They either drink too much or not enough; their big houses make me question my own career endeavor; they’re breeders with kids; or I find reasons not to like them. Plus, it’s easier to spend hours on social media seeking validation from pseudo friends.

THERAPIST: “Anyways…”
ME: “’Anyways’ isn’t a word. I think you meant ‘anyway.’”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were discussing your difficulty in making new friends.”

The #1 facet keeping adults in general from making new friends is … effort. Otherwise, it’s just two people saying “we should hang-out sometime” repeatedly until one of you dies. In absence of visiting a Man Park, there are other ways to leverage your social aptitude to make friends.

HOW TO MAKE MAN MATES:
Effort + Momentum = A New Friend

Making friends as an adult requires the same key facet as making friends as a child: Find something in common and go from there. “I see you’ve created a tiny human. I too have done this.” Or “Nice cobra tattoo. Check out my Tinkerbell.” Despite the awkwardness, be the one to reach out and suggest an activity – whether inviting coworkers to an outdoor happy hour or hitting Top Golf with high school or college pals.
Another easy way to make more friends as a man is to reconnect with old friends. They know you best after all. There’s nothing like reconnecting with old friends with whom you share life legacy, and who knew you used to drink Natty Light in your Camaro mullet.
In absence of a cache of former friends, you can …*shudder*… make new ones. Maybe it’s the guy who spot you at the gym on bench press, a coworker, a church men’s group, or a Pikachu Expedition Club. Consider joining social media groups for areas of interest. The gym is where I met many friends until Covid, and switching to spin biking in place at home to Netflix.
Join social media groups related to your hobbies or areas of interest. I recently joined online hydrofoil, SUP, and NorCal snowshoeing groups to join outings. I haven’t attended any yet, but everything starts with intent, all while reminding myself that: Effort – Momentum = No New Friends.
And if your life partner is your only friend, invite another couple out for a hike or over for dinner. Just don’t be the fourth wheel.

What I’ve learned in talking to other men, is that once I open the ‘vulnerability kimono’ and mention how tough it is to befriend other guys, they universally agree. In fact, I’ve yet to encounter another man who doesn’t struggle with it. It’s a wonder I haven’t started a dude’s friendship bracelet kiosk in the mall.

If you need another man friend, I’ll be the Chandler to your Joey. But I’m not joining your MLM or football pool.

One of the Best Panic Books of All Time!

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety made it to the Best Panic Attack Books of All Time

We are happy to announce that 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety: Simple Tips, Techniques and Strategies for Overcoming Anxiety, Worry and Panic Attacks, made it to BookAuthority’s Best Panic Attack Books of All Time.

BookAuthority collects and ranks the best books in the world, and it is a great honor to get this kind of recognition. Thank you for all your support.

The book is available for purchase on Amazon and everywhere the best books of all time are sold. 🙂

How do You Know if You’re Depressed or Just Sad?

You might think you’re feeling lazy or unmotivated, but here are the signs that it’s something more serious

Is your two-day, Netflix binge of “Black Mirror” and “Stranger Things” a bout of laziness and apathy, a case of “the melancholies,” or … clinical depression?

Maybe you think you’re depressed, or you’re just using depression as an excuse to be lethargic – only to realize this itself might be a symptom of depression. It’s tough trying to figure-out your head with your own mind, right?

The brain is an organ that can malfunction like any organ. Mental illnesses are illnesses of that organ.

Brain scans show that there is a physical difference between a healthy brain and a sick brain. Telling someone with depression, “You don’t have an issue, it’s all in your head” is as inane as telling someone with diabetes, “You don’t have an issue, it’s all in your pancreas.” Any organ is susceptible to disease or disorder.

When you’re feeling down, it’s imperative to distinguish feelings of sadness versus depression because confusion can lead you to avoid evaluation and treatment of a serious condition. Alternatively, you might overreact to a normal emotional state of sadness.

“And, here’s why the distinction is crucial: If we (or a loved one) are depressed, it has huge implications for our long-term mental health, physical health, and longevity,” says NYC Psychologist and author Dr. Guy Winch. Sadness and apathy are normal emotions. “Sadness is usually triggered by a difficult, hurtful, challenging, or disappointing event, experience, or situation,” says Winch. This also means that when something shifts, or we’ve gotten over the hurt or event, the sadness also wanes.

“Whereas depression is an abnormal emotional state; a mental illness that affects our thinking, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors in pervasive and chronic ways,” says Winch. Depression can occur in absence of any of the triggers that cause sadness. Sadness is about something and depression is about … nothing.

Criteria for Depression

Depression is classified into different types using a book with diagnostic criteria for mental health disorders. Now in its fifth edition, the book is called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders. But, everyone just calls it the DSM-5. Think of it as the owner’s manual for the brain but – like an iPhone user guide – you must make an appointment with an accredited genius to see one.

The DSM-5 outlines the following criterion to make a diagnosis of depression.

Note: These serve only as a guideline. You need to see a mental health professional for a conclusive diagnosis. The individual must be experiencing five or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period, and at least one of the symptoms should be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.
Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).
Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

To receive a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms must cause the individual clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms must also not be a result of substance abuse or another medical condition. Afterall, a bottomless mimosa brunch or afternoon of beers is enough to spur a days-long depressive spell, as booze and other substances are known depressants.

Anxiety and depression disorders are often interlinked.

“It’s very hard to find patients who are depressed who don’t also have anxiety. It’s equally hard to find people with anxiety that don’t have some depression,” says Charles Goodstein, MD, a professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine. So, don’t berate yourself if you’re feeling anxiety on top of everything else. It’s more likely than not to occur. And though signs of depression, anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder have similarities, each requires different treatments right down to the therapy and medications used. This is why a professional diagnosis is so important to obtain the correct treatment regimen.

A Quick Lesson in Sourcing the “Why” in Your Life…

One of the most poignant examples of suffering and sadness is the story of Viktor Frankl, a physician and psychiatrist who survived four Nazi concentration and death camps, including the infamous Auschwitz. Frankl epitomized the words of Nietzsche: “He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How.” As a prisoner, Frankl kept himself and his hopes alive by a desire to see his wife again and one day teach about man’s quest for meaning.

Sadly, Frankl’s parents, brother, and pregnant wife were killed; but he was able to cope, source the importance of it all, and move forward with a renewed life purpose to include writing one of the most moving and significant books of our time, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl teaches us that “if there is a meaning in life at all, there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an eradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.”

We all face the opportunity to achieve something through our own suffering. Our unique opportunity lies in the way we bear our burden, and in our attitude toward difficulty while pondering our meaning. Make no mistake; you have a decisive and purposeful meaning in this world. For many of us – myself included – it takes suffering and hardship to find it.

We are supposed to feel like we can’t handle things alone sometimes. That’s when we find the grace or help through others. In times when life becomes unmanageable, we must be willing to ask for help and support one another. It’s by design. We can be with one another amid suffering, helping each other bear the weight. Part of life is the realization that sometimes we can’t make it on our own. For some, a spiritual leader is a person to whom you can turn and say, “I have a burden that I cannot bear.” All it takes is walking into a local church, mosque, synagogue, or temple and asking for help.

Live to the point of tears. -Albert Camus

Why Do Depressed People Push Others Away?

Having friends is cool, but have you ever cut everyone off and disappeared for like three months?

Depression manifests differently for each person. It’s no more the forlorn, incapacitated person with bedhead seen in antidepressant commercials, than the polished and high-functioning attorney having liquor for lunch. While some depressed people might feel deep despair, others may be riddled with anxiety, insomnia, or anger. Haphazardly pushing people away is a common side-effect of depression.

While experiencing a bout of depression, it’s often easiest to detach from others for a while. It’s nothing personal – it’s about self-preservation. And, it’s about avoiding the barrage of armchair psychiatry by well-wishers who dispense platitudes like, “What’s wrong with you?” “Things aren’t that bad!” or, the timeless, “Just snap out of it!”

When you’re depressed you lack the energy to make a ham sandwich. The last thing you want to do is explain your low mood to others – even to loved ones.

It takes copious vigor to keep up appearances and sustain your otherwise stable persona during a depressive episode. People can be stunned to see you in an emotionally bleak state when it’s such a radical contrast from your homeostatic “norm.” Such is the pattern of depression.

Most people aren’t depressed 100% of the time. And, tricking people into thinking you’re not depressed is draining. There are few things worse than ‘smiling depression.’ The constant attempts at concealing one’s mental pain only increases the overall burden. And, by avoiding others, we avoid their judgement.

In rarer cases, pushing people away can be a form of self-harm. In such instances, we shun those we most care about because we want to punish or simply hurt ourselves. Sometimes we even want to penalize others for having the audacity to care for this woeful version of ourselves.

But, those of us who unconsciously use this tactic, risk losing people for good. Not everyone understands what depression feels like or how it might play-out. From their perspective, getting blown-off or spurned despite our rationale for doing so isn’t justification for how we’ve made them feel. People aren’t playground swings.

Is there a Healthier Option for the “Pusher?”

Practice Self-Care. This includes simply taking time for yourself. From a mental health perspective, when we push people away is often when we need them most. However, you also need to honor your intuition and feelings. If you know that attending a friend’s BBQ on a Sunday when you feel intolerable is too emotional or unpredictable – even possibly casting you in a permanently negative light – then heed that instinct.

Nurture with Nature. A 2015 Stanford study found quantifiable evidence that walking in nature can reduce stress and lead to a lower risk of depression. Through a controlled experiment, participants who went on a 90-minute walk through a natural environment reported lower levels of rumination (repetitive thought focused on negative aspects of the self) and showed reduced neural activity in an area of the brain linked to risk for mental illness compared with those who walked through an urban environment. Exercise is a phenomenal antidepressant.

Give Props. Being grateful by focusing on gratitude improves physical health. According to a 2012 study published in “Personality and Individual Differences,” grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and report feeling healthier. Not only does gratitude do the obvious work of increasing how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly robs the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so bad. Cite three things for which you are grateful each day, no matter how small.

Phone a Freud. There is no shame in seeking help. If stress, anxiety or depression disrupts your life or daily activities, get a mental spotter. It is imperative to know when to seek professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with your ability to function in daily life. Make an appointment with your doctor or a mental health provider because you may need treatment to get better.

What To Do if You’re the “Pushed?”

1. 1. Avoid the Urge to Advise. Don’t try to be the person’s therapist. If the depressed individual hints at self-harm or suicide or has been ruminating on the same negative things for weeks, they should consult a therapist for help. Mental disorders can be difficult to appreciate unless you’ve experienced one yourself. Functioning when you’re depressed isn’t about using the right hack, summoning or the gods of willpower. And, your motivational clichés will probably be met with resentment and middle fingers.
1. 1. Empathize and Fortify. Listen to the depressed person’s feelings nonjudgmentally. Just listen and show empathy. But, then set appropriate boundaries for the benefit of you both. Depressed people can be intensely despondent and tough to support. Do not meet your friend in their depression. Moods are highly contagious. Penn State University, Chair of Psychiatry Alan Gelenberg, M.D. says, “When disappointed, we usually feel sad. When we suffer a loss, we grieve. Normally these feelings ebb and flow. They respond to input and changes.” While depression tends to feel heavy and constant. “People who are depressed are less likely to be cheered, comforted or consoled,” adds Gelenberg. Encouraging them to repeat negative feelings will only worsen their misery. Instead, inspire them to do something other than stagger in their own sadness. Ask them what they need and tell them how you are willing to help.
1. Make Them Laugh. Mark Twain knew it best: “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.”Studies confirm that laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a chemical in the brain that creates a sense of joy. Moreover, humor is clinically validated to reduce stress long-term by improving the immune system through the release of neuropeptides, relieving pain, increasing personal satisfaction, and lessening depression and anxiety (source: Mayo Clinic, April 21, 2016). The simple act of smiling causes the brain to release dopamine, which in turn makes us feel happy. Humor = Calamity + Time. If you’re not funny, that’s okay – that’s what Netflix and cat videos are for.

If You’ve Ever Thought These 7 Things, You Might Have Relationship OCD (as featured at YourTango.com July 2018)

And the 10 Steps to Take if You Do.

The power of the human mind is wonderful and boggling – except when it turns on you while peppering your psyche with a staccato of queries about your relationship.

One minute your partner’s grandeur is so intense, it’s cartoonish. How did you ever land such a splendid fish? The next you’re spun into a vortex of doubt, placing them under intense analysis, and scrutinizing every nuance of the relationship, including their questionably thick eyebrows.

This barrage of errant thoughts and questions commonly arise in otherwise healthy relationships. The obsessions include judgments around their imperfections as a person and partner, or about the rightness of the relationship itself:

Why can’t he get that huge mole on his back removed?
Does her nose-have to whistle whenever she chews? Could I do better?
I just saw a hot guy at Starbucks, so am I in the wrong relationship?
Is he even smart enough for me?
Why aren’t we shmoopy like other couples?
There are times I’d rather look at Instagram than have sex with him. Am I staying in this relationship just to avoid hurting him?
Why don’t I miss her even though I’ve been at Coachella for three days?

The form of anxiety that comes with liking someone is so common that it has its own acronym: ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). The seemingly sublime onset of ROCD has led to many brain-worm Taylor Swift songs and vodka tonics pondering if you’re with the right person. You may avoid taking the next step in your relationship because you can’t get past their perceived flaws, or you might even quit dating altogether because no one seems good enough. You met them on a free dating app, after all.

ROCD has been receiving increasing research and clinical attention as a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in which the sufferer experiences intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality, and nature of their love for their partner. As with other forms of OCD, the fixations in ROCD focus on issues of doubt and an intense discomfort with uncertainty.

These obsessions often contain responding compulsive behaviors to include seeking reassurances or gauging one’s own feelings, comparing characteristics of one’s partner with those of other potential mates, or avoidance actions. The compulsions, which are intended to lessen the distress caused by unwanted thoughts, can take forms such as regularly asking friends or family if you have made the “right” choice in your partner; comparing your relationship to a previous exciting (often unhealthy) relationship, Internet searches about “the one,” finding that sex is a chore or eating a sandwich during sex, while fixated on that back mole or eyebrow shrub.

Relationships in which one partner has ROCD can be chaotic, ending in the sad, ironic twist that the dread of hurting or losing one’s partner often results in both.

From Where Does ROCD Arise?

You position your companion against idealistic projections of “real” love from episodes of The Bachelor, royal weddings, or the seething sexual chemistry in Trojan™ personal lubricant commercials. This is exacerbated by dating apps like Tinder and OK Cupid which have created an atmosphere of seemingly endless options, short-attention-span-dating, and The BBD (bigger, better, deal). We have commoditized ourselves, and dating has become transactional. It’s no wonder that our anxiety surrounding relationships, commitment, and marriage has shot up, while the principles of love and marriage run askew.

Add to this the notion of “soulmates,” which further ups the relationship anxiety ante. There’s a fantasy that guides many into seeking idyllic partners or soulmates. If you could find that perfect match you’ll be guaranteed a lifetime of relationship bliss, right?

Nope.

Research by Aurora University psychologist Renae Franiuk who studies people’s beliefs about their intimate partnerships, called “Implicit Theories of Relationships,” says “People who believe in soul mates may be setting themselves up for a lifetime of heartache and failed relationships. If you operate according to the soulmate theory of relationships, you constantly evaluate your dating partners against the idealized image of the man or woman who will be the one true love of your life. Once you’re in a relationship, even without your knowing it, you perform constant comparisons between the actual person you’re with and that ideal one-true-love model in your mind.”

There is a persistent idea that when we choose someone to be a long-term partner, s/he will be an incredible lover, hold fireside chats about Tolstoy, and take long beach saunters while sharing kale smoothies. OCD demands that there be no doubt in a person’s mind whether s/he has chosen the right person. To the ROCD sufferer, their obsession is, “I must know unequivocally that my partner is the absolute one for me.” This belief is steeped in anxiety. The anxiety, in turn, compels the person to engage in the compulsive behaviors in a vain attempt to arrive at certainty.

How to Counter ROCD:

The goal is to reduce ROCD symptoms enough to reach an informed decision regarding your relationship. Implement any of the following skills to move toward inner peace:

1. Let go or be dragged.

Radically accept that there is no way to know with 100% certainty whether any relationship will work out for the long-haul. If they make you happy, and you share similar values and goals, then Yahtzee! We all have flaws, and no relationship is perfect.

2. Remember thoughts and feelings do not equal facts.

Remind yourself that all OCD is rooted in irrational fears and lies to you with baseless obsessions, rituals, and ruminations. Just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true. And, if you have experienced past OCD symptoms, a relationship can easily become the new focus.

3. Expose yourself.

The most effective form of treatment for ROCD is called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This entails exposing yourself to the thoughts, images, objects, and situations that make you anxious and cue your obsessions, while not engaging in a compulsive behavior in attempts to alleviate the angst. For example, if you’re claustrophobic, take the elevator, not the stairs.

4. Daisy chain your obsessions.

If you mentally play-out the calamitous beliefs causing you distress, you will negate their power over you. For each obsession, ask “And what’s the worst that can happen?” until you get to the end and see that the worst result is not catastrophic. ROCD includes a gross overestimation of the negative consequences of staying in relationships or being alone.

5. Stop the comparisons.

Comparison is the fastest route to misery. Stop researching or collaborating with others about the fit of your partner. Check-in with yourself whenever you find you’re ruminating about the relationship. This includes comparing your real relationship with those nauseating social media versions that you can “thumbs-up” later when they inevitably split.

Attraction and arousal wax and wane. Expecting yourself to always find your partner attractive, or to always be interested in sex is setting yourself up for discontent.

6. Realize that risk is scary, but regret is scarier.

Be willing to sit with the anxiety caused by the thought that you may not be committing to the “right” person. To live life fully one must take risks, or face regrets. Once you stop pursuing a futile quest for certainty, you can move forward. Seeking assurances is a compulsion that increases OCD thinking patterns.

7. Give yourself the present of presence.

Mindfulness is a skill that is practiced and perfected little by little … like using chopsticks to eat a salad. Mindfulness meditation encourages the practitioner to observe wandering thoughts as they drift through the mind. The intention is not to get involved with the thoughts or to judge them, but simply to be aware of each mental note as it arises. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develops and you become Yoda-like.

Don’t worry — meditating is easier than you might think.

Sit or lie comfortably in a quiet setting. Close your eyes. Make no effort to control the breath; just breathe naturally. Maintain your focus and attention on your breath and on how your body moves with each inhalation and exhalation. Each time your mind drifts to your thoughts, refocus back to your breaths.

8. Grab a pen and get mighty.

Research has shown that journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively and even improve your health. University of Texas at Austin psychologist and researcher James Pennebaker found that regular journaling strengthens immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Writing about stressful events helps you accept them, thereby reducing the impact of the stressors on your mental and physical health.

9. Remember that you cannot control your thoughts.

And that’s okay! It may appear that you can, but it only backfires with more obsessions and compulsions. What matters is what we do with our thoughts. Pay attention to your breathing and notice where in your body you are feeling the melee. Stay with that for a few minutes. Then notice where you feel the most comfortable. Then stay with that. Shift back and forth slowly for about 15 minutes. Do this every day.

10. Get by with a little help.

Notice your past relationships. How often have similar doubts shown up in your life? If there is a pattern, do not break off the relationship until you have practiced these skills, or consulted with a professional therapist. Like other OCD symptoms, relationship OCD symptoms require psychological intervention if causing significant distress.