he dumped me

What to Do If Your Ex Contacts You After You’ve Said Goodbye

Ignoring your ex
How to handle an ex you want to keep in the past when they want to be in your present.

As you read this, there are millions of people across the world suffering from a love-rift somewhere while sending ill-fated texts. Studies show that to the brain, quitting love and heroin are the same. Our brains cannot differentiate another human from smack.

The initial stage of a breakup often includes regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and beguiling emojis in vain attempts to recon the defector, each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within days … or, hours. This phase is rife with the fuzzy logic that there is just the right mix of words and pleading to get you to reconsider.

Why does My Ex Keep Contacting Me?

In short? Denial and the hope for a different outcome. Denial is a coping mechanism that gives us time to adjust to distressing situations. Being in denial gives your mind the opportunity to unconsciously absorb shocking or distressing information at a pace that won’t send you into a psychological tailspin (Mayo Clinic, Denial: When it helps, when it hurts, 2011). When the reality hits that you’ve been dumped, denial is a great tool; as in “If I don’t think about it, then it’s not happening,” or “I can totally fix this, I just need another shot.” A less obvious way denial presents could be as a denial of inner strength: “I can’t handle this sh#t!” The issue with denial as a coping mechanism is that it’s not a long-term solution. Remaining in denial is not healthy, and it’s unnerving to onlookers.

The agony following a broken relationship is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties. Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. It’s also why hot people are crazy. It’s a deterrent for our own safety. But, breakups often include record-setting pleading; a deluge of one-way, restraining-order-level communications; panic that borders on neurosis; and trying to resuscitate the relationship pulse through text and social media.

Exes usually continue to talk because they miss having someone around. It’s old habit to say “goodnight,” or sext on a random weeknight to someone who won’t call the cops.

Now the breakupee stares thunderstruck at a silent phone, willing it to ding with a text from you, while feeling a dreadful void from losing that regular communiqué. If you reply to your late pursuer with anything less than F-bombs and the threat of legal action, it feels great to them. But it’s akin to another hit of heroin for a recovering addict. It will satiate the cravings for a bit, but you’re only resetting their recovery clock while adding to your own stress to keep them from teetering over an imperceptible edge.

What Does the Research Say?

Per a study published in the journal Review of General Psychology, just like the brain is hardwired to fall in love, it also has a mechanism that helps us fall out of love and move along. This is easier for some than others, however. Stalking is not cute, romantic, or funny. And, oftentimes it’s more than, “I was just bored and curious…” Conversely, an “I miss you” doesn’t equal “I want to get back together and adopt Russian toddlers.”

Take solace knowing that your ex’s love longings are quite normal – to an extent. Research eludes to a physiological basis to cravings for an ex. Lucy Brown, Ph.D., Professor in the Department of Neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and her colleagues used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to record the brain activity of adults who had experienced a recent unwanted breakup, and who reported still feeling love for their ex. “Upon viewing brain photographs of their former partners, there was activity in the areas associated with reward and motivation, specifically, the release of dopamine that is also seen in drug addiction. Therefore, people may experience cravings for their ex-partner similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from.”

So, What Can You do About the Uninvited Contact?

In the throes of pain, the shortest route to ending heartache is seemingly with the source. It’s not. It is within us and not with our defector. Consequently, it is not your responsibility to ferry your ex to healing shores. Your takeaway is first to have empathy, followed by impenetrable boundaries and a steadfast “no contact” rule to the benefit of you both. Fully unplug from your ex – including from their social media. Until there’s a methadone for breakups, any reply keeps the dynamic going and prevents you both from moving on with your lives. It also exposes you to further distress, while hindering their emotional recovery and increasing their longing for reconciliation.

Required Steps for Managing an Ex Who Won’t Stop Contacting You:

Stop communicating with your ex unless you share custody of a mini human(s).
Repeat.

If for some reason you cannot block them – like maybe you’re keeping a tally of texts/calls for a judge, or you want your labradoodle back – then change their name in your phone to “Caution,” “Beelzebub,” or “Do Not Answer.” This is not a game; it’s not about punishment or revenge, or to make your ex mad while feeding your own ego. It’s self-care.

Do it for them. Do it for you.

Not everyone loves you enough to leave you alone. If you’re ever going to be friends, it will happen later. Or, never.

Breaking-Up Badly: 11 Tips to Avoid Self-Imploding Following A Breakup

“I’m sorry I annoyed you with my unconditional love.”

The early phase of a breakup is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep and an indifference to personal hygiene, all peppered with moments of irrationality.

The exhausted brain loops re-enactments of the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre relationship forensics. You painstakingly dissect past conversations, events and nuances of the bond while cerebrally clawing towards a personal salvage strategy.

You become a pariah to friends and family who look upon you with pursed lips of empathy, while avoiding sustained eye contact or dialogue at the risk of triggering an emotional flare. People make tired comments like, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” “You’re better off,” or “How long were you together?” so they can quickly determine if the number justifies your level of distress.

How long will the pain last? What is considered acceptable by friends … or society? Is the recovery period half the time you were together? No. There is no mystical breakup algorithm to yield your fixed emotional penance. It takes what it takes. And for everyone this is different. Everything you need to heal is already within you. Therein lies your freedom.

The pain of rejection is exacerbated by how we view and treat ourselves after it occurs. But rejection also causes physiological pain with an evolutionary purpose. Back in early times, being rejected by your people meant lone survival and imminent death. Now we have Netflix and DoorDash, and being alone for a period is an underutilized indulgence that too few learn to sit with and relish. Once we do, we glean how truly self-sufficient we are.

But, what does the research say?

Studies suggest that women experience more emotional anguish in the aftermath of a breakup, but it takes men longer to recover. A woman deals with a breakup head-on. By the time a woman is on the backside of a breakup, her ex-boyfriend is just coming to terms with what went down.

And contrary to widely held beliefs, closure is not necessary. Countless people never gain closure yet still move forward and heal. When we are broken-up with, our ability to reconcile who we are is upheaved. But you’re still in there … somewhere. You are whole. And you are grand. Despite what you might be thinking, you never need to know why your ex did anything they did. Your ex was never the reason you thrived.

Soulmate is what Satan puts in his coffee.

From an evolutionary perspective, if we were meant to be with only one person on Earth, society would collapse. You did not lose your soulmate. You can look for one of your other soulmates later. For now, any search for external breakup remedies and relief is rooted in a desire to short-circuit the recovery process. If evolution didn’t insert some physiological checks and balances in the form of heartache, we’d hook-up with the next thing in an Armani suit or Lululemon’s.

For those lacking breakup survival skills, the symptoms and manifestations associated with a breakup are measurably more self-defeating. So, here are some proven tactics to hasten your heal:

1. Don’t press “rewind” when you should hit “delete.”

Do not sleep with him/her one more time in the hope it will usher you back to better times. Delete your ex’s number from your phone — even if you have it memorized. Of all the things we lose during a breakup, keeping the locus of control is the most important and often ignored. The easiest way to control your current moods and keep your power is to not contact your ex.

2. Therapist? You mean bartender?

A breakup can lead to depression, isolation, self-accusation, or worse. You don’t always need to make grief clinical, but it’s imperative to know when to seek outside professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning — including sleep.

3. Only the strong forgive.

Forgiveness is simply giving up the hope for a different past. They may not deserve your forgiveness; but you deserve peace. It’s about letting go of the outcome, rather than condoning any actions by someone whom inflicted the pain. Forgiveness takes only one person: You.

4. The power of three gratitudes.

Not only does gratitude increase how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly deprives the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so badly. There is omnipotence in gratitude. Focus on three gratitudes daily, no matter how small.

5. Exorcise all relationship mementos.

Emails, toothbrushes, photos, texts, his Apple Watch, etc. and change all venues you frequented together, such as bars, cafes, Urban Outfitters, etc. You could use the change of scenery, while avoiding needless reminders of his love for salmon shorts and craft brews.

6. The quickest way over one is not under another.

Rebounding is a brief distractor that invariably turns into sound-boarding your ex’s name and shortcomings onto some naked app prey beside this woeful version of you. A rebound won’t help you with healthy, long-term objectives. What will? Work with being solo for a bit to achieve self-improvement, reflection, and a righteous comeback.

7. But, veggies taste like dirt and sadness.

To counter the melancholic feelings inherent to any breakup, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, exercise, and eat right. Wean off the Pinot Gris and cookie dough and get some nutrients. Studies have shown that foods can directly influence the brain’s neurotransmitter systems that are related to mood. (Hopf, 2010).

8. Better than an FWB is a BuB.

“He’s only ignoring my texts because I haven’t sent enough.” Utilize the exceptionally helpful camaraderie of a Breakup Buddy (BuB) to remediate poor decisions when reacting from emotions. These are dangerous moments of relapse; hence, the importance of someone who will think for you until logic is reengaged. Refer to them often.

9. Tweak small behaviors to dramatically shift moods.

If you change small post-breakup behaviors, it will change your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is paramount in helping you to feel less anxious, worried, depressed, or experiencing an intolerance of uncertainty following a split. For example, if you do the opposite of what your emotions are driving you to do — such as checking-out their social media or driving by their residence — your anxiety, worry, and pain will subside.

10. “Cowabunga, dude(tte)!”

Ride those thought waves. The technique of urge-surfing involves riding an emotional wave and not responding to any part of it, but letting it swell and then wane. This is an extremely helpful tactic to use in dealing with the impulsivity associated with a breakup, because you are observing your emotions, rather than acting on them. And this prevents regretful actions.

11. Cuddle the friendliest ghost of all.

“Just gonna send him a message … Aaaaaaaannnnnd I’m blocked.” Going ghost is one of the most sagacious devices for self-preservation. Most breakup sufferers greatly add to their angst by not following this one, basic tenet. If you’re going to be friends with your ex, it’ll happen organically and only when you’re long over them. If you must see your ex, keep it cool and make it fast. Otherwise, ignore them so hard they doubt their own existence.

“Frankie says, relapse.”

A final note: Breakup recovery isn’t linear, but more a game of Chutes ‘n Ladders. Reverting and plateauing are common throughout the entire process. Healing is rarely direct in movement, but setbacks are temporary and short-term. You may feel stuck at the same level of muck for two weeks, only to suddenly leap forward in your progress out of nowhere. Your adherence to tactics such as the aforementioned will accelerate your imminent return to baller status.

Why Breakups are Harder Than They Used to Be – Healing the Modern Day Hurt

14 ways to heal your heart in the online era

Why do breakups have to hurt so badly? If we all ran amok and naked-cuddled with those we liked with no consequences, like an episode of Bachelor in Paradise, the world would spin off its axis. There must be some societal checks ‘n balances. Evolutionary biologists conclude that post breakup pain and reflection is required for us to learn from loss. The agony following a breakup is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties.

Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. Think of it as a safety mechanism to protect us from our own wanton desires.

Develop some empathy and realistic expectations for your breakup recovery. The only way over it, is through it. But, unchecked emotions can lead to despondency and a sense of hopelessness. Feelings of self-blame and even thoughts of self-harm or suicide are not uncommon. Consequently, it is vital to consider professional help. Every person and split are different. We may have handled a prior breakup just fine, while the next one has us clutching our chest and making deals with God.

Breakup and divorce recovery were less grueling when the world was offline. Before social media, breaking-up was a discrete event. A split used to occur when phones were dumb and tethered to a fixed wall. Imagine a time when you answered every call hoping it was your ex calling to make-up, but it was Aunt Edna asking if you wanted ambrosia salad for Sunday brunch.

Now more than ever, we have commoditized ourselves, and have made dating transactional.

Today, a breakup can go down via text sans any emotion or actual interaction. Even worse, they can take the form of a social media post, thereby becoming a spectator affair rife with the trimmings of public comments, crying emojis, and indiscriminate shares, all forever memorialized in the cloud.

For some modern day breakupees, the outing of their emotions publicly online is a frantic form of catharsis. They post colorful block quotes of how independent they are, while deluging us with selfies donning new clothes, bangs, spray tans, sports cars, or posing with any attractive being of the opposite sex, or worse – a flexing gym selfie.

How to Heal Your Breakup Heart Hurt in the Online Era:

The following are techniques to greatly accelerate your rise from cupid’s neglect:

1. Social media is neither social nor media.

If you post over-the-top or sexy pictures as evidence of your thrilling new life, you are only showing how much you still care. Breaking up with someone includes breaking up with his or her social media. If you skip this fundamental step, you might as well slip on camouflage, squat in the bushes, and ogle through their windows.

2. Alcohol give you bummer-brain.

Alcohol is a depressant that impairs judgment. One does not need a root causal-analysis to see the results that sad-drinking can yield. Alcohol whispers silly things like, “You should totally text him.” Any amount you drink can make you more miserable. It also leads to bad decisions like cereal for dinner, and impulsivity like buying something from the Tiffany’s website or your local Lexus dealership.

3. Do nothing.

Any moment that you want to reach out or take an action that is anything about your ex or trying to get them back – do nothing. Doing nothing ensures that you have nothing to regret. You can’t go wrong if you avoid any action that gets you reengaged with your ex. It’s the smallest tactic with the biggest return. Your panic and desperation to get them back in your life is a crushing desire that lessens each time you don’t try.

4. No ex-sex.

There are endless reasons sexual reunions with your ex are inadvisable. Go on a ‘love fast’ for 30 days to begin dissolving the neurological processes your brain has formed. In a study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that people who use sex to cope with breakup anger and distress, or to get back at their ex may be slower to recover from the breakup.

5. Be “opposite” you.

In the case of a breakup or divorce, the primary “opposite you” is to ‘go ghost.’ If you and your ex have children together, then you will unavoidably need to discuss issues such as welfare and access. However, it is best to keep these interactions to a minimum, and at a McDonald’s Playland just off the freeway. Otherwise, continuing to see your ex prevents you from moving on with your life. It also exposes you to extreme distress and hinders your emotional recovery and an increased longing for reconciliation.

6. Never use one to get over another.

Rebound relationships are a great way to boost your ego at the expense of someone else’s well-being. Rebound dating is not. If you are hurting, you should be healing, not dating. Reconnect with old friends. They’ll remind you of how epic you were prior to your ex falling from the internet into your arms. A rebound simply postpones healing in a cerebral purgatory.

7. Radically accept.

When faced with a breakup, rather than focusing on how much you want things to be different, try radically accepting the situation as is. Radical acceptance is not the same as liking or condoning. It’s simply accepting what is out of your control to lessen anxiety, anger, and sorrow. Controlling your reaction to what is happening is the only thing over which you have control. In life, you can let go or you can be towed.

8. Be DTF (Down-to-Forgive)

Practice some breakup Alzheimer’s. You’ve been forgiven in life, so pay it forward. And, if you believe you were at fault, forgive yourself not just once, but again and again until you feel peace. Once you accept your flaws and mistakes, no one can use them against you. Truth is, most of us are doing the best we can with the skills we have at any given moment.

9. Soothe thyself.

The goal of breakup self-soothing is to engage as many of the five senses as possible. Consider taking a hike by water or in nature, while paying close attention to the sights, smells, and sounds around you. Or, get a massage somewhere that’s not open 24 hours with blacked-out windows. Go out for a meal or just dessert with a friend if possible. Even when you don’t feel like eating, food goes down much easier under the distraction of conversation.

10. Send a knee-mail.

I don’t care if you are Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Jewish, or questioning if there’s a God – negotiating a breakup is the perfect time to spend in prayer. Every moment that you are centered in the past or future, you suffer a temporary loss of this life. Prayer keeps you rooted in the now. Add mindfulness meditation training via a meditation phone app or YouTube. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develops, and you become a master of chill.

11. Heartache? Do some comeback cardio.

Any type of exercise or vigorous activity is an effective means to burn-off the breakup flotsam in your bloodstream. Exercise will cause your muscles to create lactic acid to help counter the change in ph resulting from anxious breathing. Don’t overdo it. If you weren’t an American Ninja Warrior contestant prior, you don’t need to be one now. But you do need to spend time outdoors, get regular sleep, eat right, and move.

12. Designate a BuB (Breakup Buddy).

The breakup recovery process is fraught with pitfalls and regression. It’s counter-intuitive to feel worse while supposedly on the track to healing. One minute might pass where you don’t think of your ex at all. The next you’re chewing-off your bestie’s arm to retrieve your phone and send an ill-advised text. These are dangerous moments of relapse, hence the importance of a “breakup buddy” (aka, BuB). Choose someone empathetic and able to handle the mood swings and random lunacy you will fire at them.

13. Take the write way.

“Dear, Diary, Today everything sucked…” Research has shown that breakup journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively, and even improve your health by strengthening immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Eventually, you will start to see that you’re a damned rainbow, and your ex was colorblind.

14. Don’t get kick in the nostalgias.

Nostalgia has a utopian aspect due to the substantial role that imagination plays in it. When reminiscing previous romantic love, past difficulties are often overlooked due to idealization of your ex and the time together. The image in your head that the past looks so perfect is a mirage created by nostalgia. The past holds nothing for you now. Stop looking there.

Constantly thinking about and ruminating on your ex are due to deep sensory memories and an emotional response separate from any truth or reality that you need to be with them. The intensity of these feelings and memories will fade, and your love of other things and people will take over. What you’re reacting to is change and missing the idea of a best pal to chum around with. Distract, stay in the moment, and breathe.

And, don’t worry about your future – it will present itself in all its unexpected glory later, and likely the opposite of whatever you worry it will be.

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety is a funny and significant resource for any teen experiencing anxiety, and currently available at major retailers such as Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart, and Amazon, or here: Ulysses Press.

Nationwide surveys report that today’s teens feel significantly more stressed than any other generation. Whether they face problems with school, friends, parents, or all of the above, teens will find a wide variety of easy, stress-coping methods in 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety.

Based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), the most widely used and popular anxiety therapy among clinicians, the book helps teens simultaneously accept the existence of their negative emotions and choose to respond in healthy ways.

The authors also provide clear and concise explanations of the causes, symptoms, and types of anxiety so that readers can stop attacks before they even begin. Teens cannot control what they think or feel, but they can control how they behave. Now, by following the proven and simple-to-use exercises they can achieve peace.