State of Anxiety

Providing humorous perspective during & after a breakup or divorce

relationship anxiety

Breaking-Up Badly: 11 Tips to Avoid Self-Imploding Following A Breakup

“I’m sorry I annoyed you with my unconditional love.”

The early phase of a breakup is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep and an indifference to personal hygiene, all peppered with moments of irrationality.

The exhausted brain loops re-enactments of the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre relationship forensics. You painstakingly dissect past conversations, events and nuances of the bond while cerebrally clawing towards a personal salvage strategy.

You become a pariah to friends and family who look upon you with pursed lips of empathy, while avoiding sustained eye contact or dialogue at the risk of triggering an emotional flare. People make tired comments like, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” “You’re better off,” or “How long were you together?” so they can quickly determine if the number justifies your level of distress.

How long will the pain last? What is considered acceptable by friends … or society? Is the recovery period half the time you were together? No. There is no mystical breakup algorithm to yield your fixed emotional penance. It takes what it takes. And for everyone this is different. Everything you need to heal is already within you. Therein lies your freedom.

The pain of rejection is exacerbated by how we view and treat ourselves after it occurs. But rejection also causes physiological pain with an evolutionary purpose. Back in early times, being rejected by your people meant lone survival and imminent death. Now we have Netflix and DoorDash, and being alone for a period is an underutilized indulgence that too few learn to sit with and relish. Once we do, we glean how truly self-sufficient we are.

But, what does the research say?

Studies suggest that women experience more emotional anguish in the aftermath of a breakup, but it takes men longer to recover. A woman deals with a breakup head-on. By the time a woman is on the backside of a breakup, her ex-boyfriend is just coming to terms with what went down.

And contrary to widely held beliefs, closure is not necessary. Countless people never gain closure yet still move forward and heal. When we are broken-up with, our ability to reconcile who we are is upheaved. But you’re still in there … somewhere. You are whole. And you are grand. Despite what you might be thinking, you never need to know why your ex did anything they did. Your ex was never the reason you thrived.

Soulmate is what Satan puts in his coffee.

From an evolutionary perspective, if we were meant to be with only one person on Earth, society would collapse. You did not lose your soulmate. You can look for one of your other soulmates later. For now, any search for external breakup remedies and relief is rooted in a desire to short-circuit the recovery process. If evolution didn’t insert some physiological checks and balances in the form of heartache, we’d hook-up with the next thing in an Armani suit or Lululemon’s.

For those lacking breakup survival skills, the symptoms and manifestations associated with a breakup are measurably more self-defeating. So, here are some proven tactics to hasten your heal:

1. Don’t press “rewind” when you should hit “delete.”

Do not sleep with him/her one more time in the hope it will usher you back to better times. Delete your ex’s number from your phone — even if you have it memorized. Of all the things we lose during a breakup, keeping the locus of control is the most important and often ignored. The easiest way to control your current moods and keep your power is to not contact your ex.

2. Therapist? You mean bartender?

A breakup can lead to depression, isolation, self-accusation, or worse. You don’t always need to make grief clinical, but it’s imperative to know when to seek outside professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning — including sleep.

3. Only the strong forgive. 

Forgiveness is simply giving up the hope for a different past. They may not deserve your forgiveness; but you deserve peace. It’s about letting go of the outcome, rather than condoning any actions by someone whom inflicted the pain. Forgiveness takes only one person: You.

4. The power of three gratitudes. 

Not only does gratitude increase how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly deprives the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so badly. There is omnipotence in gratitude. Focus on three gratitudes daily, no matter how small.

5. Exorcise all relationship mementos.

Emails, toothbrushes, photos, texts, his Apple Watch, etc. and change all venues you frequented together, such as bars, cafes, Urban Outfitters, etc. You could use the change of scenery, while avoiding needless reminders of his love for salmon shorts and craft brews.

6. The quickest way over one is not under another. 

Rebounding is a brief distractor that invariably turns into sound-boarding your ex’s name and shortcomings onto some naked app prey beside this woeful version of you. A rebound won’t help you with healthy, long-term objectives. What will? Work with being solo for a bit to achieve self-improvement, reflection, and a righteous comeback.

7. But, veggies taste like dirt and sadness. 

To counter the melancholic feelings inherent to any breakup, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, exercise, and eat right. Wean off the Pinot Gris and cookie dough and get some nutrients. Studies have shown that foods can directly influence the brain’s neurotransmitter systems that are related to mood. (Hopf, 2010).

8. Better than an FWB is a BuB. 

“He’s only ignoring my texts because I haven’t sent enough.” Utilize the exceptionally helpful camaraderie of a Breakup Buddy (BuB) to remediate poor decisions when reacting from emotions. These are dangerous moments of relapse; hence, the importance of someone who will think for you until logic is reengaged. Refer to them often.

9. Tweak small behaviors to dramatically shift moods. 

If you change small post-breakup behaviors, it will change your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is paramount in helping you to feel less anxious, worried, depressed, or experiencing an intolerance of uncertainty following a split. For example, if you do the opposite of what your emotions are driving you to do — such as checking-out their social media or driving by their residence — your anxiety, worry, and pain will subside.

10. “Cowabunga, dude(tte)!”

Ride those thought waves. The technique of urge-surfing involves riding an emotional wave and not responding to any part of it, but letting it swell and then wane. This is an extremely helpful tactic to use in dealing with the impulsivity associated with a breakup, because you are observing your emotions, rather than acting on them. And this prevents regretful actions.

11. Cuddle the friendliest ghost of all. 

“Just gonna send him a message … Aaaaaaaannnnnd I’m blocked.” Going ghost is one of the most sagacious devices for self-preservation. Most breakup sufferers greatly add to their angst by not following this one, basic tenet. If you’re going to be friends with your ex, it’ll happen organically and only when you’re long over them. If you must see your ex, keep it cool and make it fast. Otherwise, ignore them so hard they doubt their own existence.

“Frankie says, relapse.”

A final note: Breakup recovery isn’t linear, but more a game of Chutes ‘n Ladders. Reverting and plateauing are common throughout the entire process. Healing is rarely direct in movement, but setbacks are temporary and short-term. You may feel stuck at the same level of muck for two weeks, only to suddenly leap forward in your progress out of nowhere. Your adherence to tactics such as the aforementioned will accelerate your imminent return to baller status.

What Is a Best Friend? Here’s How to Keep a Long-Term Friendship (as featured in Good Housekeeping Magazine)

These super sweet BFF stories will melt your heart.

Adult friendship is two people saying, “I haven’t seen you in forever — we should hang out!” Then later wishing you hadn’t made plans. In your 20s and 30s, new people stream into your life through college, work, weekend avocado toast and bottomless mimosa brunches, though as we approach mid-life, schedules compress, priorities shift, and we settle for Netflix and Pinot Gris at home. Oftentimes, we realize we’ve let close friendships lapse and reconnect only when faced with a life-event like a death or divorce.

Science proves making and maintaining long-term friendships as an adult can be tough. According to a 2019 study by OnePoll and Evite, the average American hasn’t made a new friend in five years. After asking 2,000 Americans, they discovered 45 percent of adults find it difficult to make new friends, with 42 percent mentioning introversion or shyness as the reason for the difficulty.

That makes it even more impressive when you see friendships that span a lifetime. It takes a lot of work to keep up a relationship for so long — but these six BBFs have done it, and are therefore our new best-friend-goals. Here, they reveal how they’ve able to keep it up, even after time, kids, and/or distance have gotten in the way.

Maricela Lau Prudhomme &
Pamela Yamamoto Ostrowski
Pacifica, CA & Dana Point, CA
39 Years

Best Friends Goals - Maricela and Pam
MARICELA LAU PRUDHOMME & PAMELA YAMAMOTO OSTROWSKI

How did you two meet?
Yamamoto Ostrowski: We met in the first grade at an all-girls Catholic school called Canonesas De la Cruz in Lima, Peru. I believe we were the only Asians that attended the school. In Peru, students remain in the same room for the entire year, while different teachers come to instruct the kids on various subjects, and they don’t have to change rooms. Maricela and I shared the same room for 11 years, and each year we tried to sit close so we could talk.

How did you initially know that you should be friends?
Lau Prudhomme: Pamela and I hung-out all the time during recess at school. We both have strong and competitive temperaments. Pamela is Peruvian-Japanese, and I am Peruvian-Chinese. Our shared Peruvian-Asian background made us feel connected.

How you kept this friendship alive for decades?
Yamamoto Ostrowski: We haven’t lived in the same place since we were 17 years old. After high school, Maricela moved to California and I moved to Japan. Ten years later, I received a beautiful letter in the mail from Maricela. She found my address in Japan and we picked up where we left off. We continued to keep in touch via letters. A few years later, I came to the U.S. for the first time just to visit Maricela, and stayed at her house with her parents. I’ll never forget the day that I arrived and she picked me up at the airport. We laughed, cried, and screamed at the same time. It was an amazing day, and I’ll hold that moment in my heart forever. Even today, each time that we see each other we jump up and down with tons of hugs and kisses, like the first time we reconnected.

What’s the most memorable thing that’s happened to you together?
Lau Prudhomme: I’ll never forget when Pamela chased me around the schoolyard after I slapped her in the face when she was being mean to me. But, more seriously, she was present at every significant day of my life. She was my maid of honor in both of my weddings. Our lives have played out quite similarly. We both divorced our first husbands; are now remarried; and we both began a family at the same time. I’ve always told her that she mimics my every step! Our friendship is the strongest now that we are learning to be moms for the first time.

How did you stay friends through raising families?
Lau Prudhomme: We have both always wanted a family. And, we both had a hard time conceiving. I finally got pregnant once I stopped trying at 43, and gave birth in November, 2018. While Pamela decided to adopt the same month. We now both have girls. No matter how busy we are, we continue having this sister-like friendship.
Yamamoto Ostrowski: Life is so amazing and made us mothers at the same time! Even more, her daughter was born on my birthday. We’re more connected now than ever.

Paula Didion & Pamela Zwicker Young
Litchfield Park, AZ and
Westerville, Ohio
43 Years

Best Friend Goals - Paula Didion & Pamela Zwicker Young
PAULA DIDION & PAMELA ZWICKER YOUNG

How have you kept this friendship alive for decades?
Didion: Simple friend love. There is no drama. We’re honest with each other, and we don’t judge — at least not openly! We’ve always been this way. I’ll support Pam to the ends of the Earth if necessary.
Zwicker Young: We were in each other’s weddings, are godparents to each other’s children, and we’ve always kept in touch over holidays and tried to get together in the summers when the kids were younger. Our daughters are close as well, and continue to maintain their friendship. They even refer to each other as cousins.

What’s the most memorable thing that’s happened to you together?
Didion: In 1978 we were in Toledo Ohio together during a blizzard. We spent a week snowed-in together, surviving on whatever means we had on-hand. We managed to make the most of it, and I think we grew even closer.

Do you think it’s better or worse for young people today trying to keep friendship alive in the internet age?
Didion: I think it is worse. Nothing beats old-fashioned physical contact, face-to-face honesty, and love to bond people. A touch is worth a million words.
Zwicker Young: I think it’s very important to have a real-life friendship outside of technology. Young people sometimes have difficulty dealing with real-life, adult situations face-to-face. Also, it is hard for some young people to just make friends because they don’t know how to communicate without texting.

Tracy Cook & Julie Carson Meeker
Campbell and Calaveras County, CA
39 Years

Best Friend Goals - Tracy Cook & Julie Meeker CarsonTRACY COOK & JULIE MEEKER CARSON

How did you two meet?
Cook: Julie and I first met in Kindergarten in 1980 at Kathryn Hughes Elementary School. In the 3rd grade she put a note in my cubbie box that said “Will you be my best friend?” and there was a hand-drawn box to check “yes” or “no.”

How you kept this friendship alive for decades?
Cook: It was easy when we were going to the same school. We lived less than a mile away from each other, yet talked on the phone while watching the same TV show together. Once Julie moved two and a half hours away after the eighth grade, we incurred so many long-distance phone bills, and our parents limited phone calls to 30 minutes a few times per week. But they also drove us back and forth to visit with each other during winter, spring, and summer vacations. As college students we didn’t have much money, but managed to afford gas to occasionally visit each other. It became easier as young adults with the advent of email, text messaging, and social media. In our thirties and now forties, we’ve been more deliberate in planning outings and celebrations together. Now that we’ve both lost our parents, we’ve connected on an even deeper level. Her dad died when we were 17 from throat cancer, and her mom in 2017 of breast cancer. I texted her so often after my mom and dad died, just to be reminded that life will go on.

What’s the most memorable thing that’s happened to you together?
Cook: On my 31st birthday, Julie drove hours to have a party with me and some other friends in my hospital room following my own complicated cancer surgery four days prior. I was so sad that morning, and feeling sorry for myself on my birthday when Julie and five other friends arrived to see me. I’ll never forget that. Three months later I was her maid of honor at her wedding. I told her she didn’t have to have me since I didn’t have hair, and did not want to ruin her pictures with a bald girl in them. She told me that I was ridiculous.
Carson Meeker: The most memorable things to me are the important events that have happened in our lives. We have been through breakups together. We stood for each other in our weddings. We have been through cancer together. We have been through the deaths of our mothers and fathers together. We have celebrated birthdays and anniversaries and mourned many losses together. I get to watch her raise her son and we get to grow old together. That’s the stuff that I think about.

Eric VanNorden and Gavin Sargent
Boring and Tigard, OR
39 Years

Best Friend Goals - Eric VanNorden and Gavin SargentERIC VANNORDEN AND GAVIN SARGENT

How did you two meet?
VanNorden: We attended Gresham Union High School together, and were both in the marching band as tuba players. Gavin was a long-haired, skinny kid with a great sense of knowing that I was the funnier and more handsome one.

How you kept this friendship alive for decades?
VanNorden: Over all the years, having a friend that understands the way you think is a blessing. We’ve never judged the other. No arguments, just acceptance.
Sargent: We’ve always had shared interests. From playing tuba to riding motorcycles, to playing wingman for each other, to having a drink or two. We seemed to be closely aligned. In the last couple decades as we got busier with families and life, our shared philosophies about family and politics have facilitated the bond.

Do you think it’s better or worse for young people today trying to keep friendship alive in the internet age?
VanNorden: I watch my children’s struggles and wonder how we would have managed it. I draw no other conclusion than not well. Interpersonal skills seem to be lacking, along with an inability to cope with simple issues that compound the “everyday life” skills we need to thrive.
Sargent: Also, I see kids cutting down their peers with little to no thought about it online, and hundreds of people can be in on those caustic comments. Whereas in the past, if someone had something bad to say, only a few were likely to be in the loop at the time.

Karin Salisbury Duprey &
Carolyn Greene Dalgleish
Cranston and North Kingstown, Rhode Island
46 Years

Best Friend Goals - Karin Salisbury Duprey & Carolyn Greene Dalgeish
KARIN SALISBURY DUPREY & CAROLYN GREENE DALGEISH

How did you initially know that you should be friends?
Salisbury Duprey: As kids growing up in the ’70s, we were pushed outside at dawn and told not to come back until the street lights came on. We lived in the same neighborhood, played in the same yards, attended the same schools, and shared the same friends. We became friends organically, and realized we needed to remain friends.
Greene Dalgleish: Initially, I was highly superficial in my decision to befriend Karin. She had a pool and junk food at her house, and I had neither at mine. In reality, I think I knew at a young age that Karin had traits that I needed to be around — and that I didn’t necessarily have! — that included intense loyalty, positivity, deep feelings, and a big sense of fun and adventure.

How you kept this friendship alive for decades?
Salisbury Duprey: We have so much respect for each other. She fills my heart with gratitude for the decades of invaluable friendship. You just don’t let that go. Besides, she knows too much!
Greene Dalgleish: We’ve always seemed to connect regularly even when distance was a factor; like during college when I was in Ohio and Karin in Boston, and for most of our twenties when we were living in different states. Karin has always been completely grounding for me, and I needed to connect with her periodically. And with her deep loyalty, she would often get the ball rolling and the plans organized.

Do you think it’s better or worse for young people today trying to keep friendship alive in the digital age?
Salisbury Duprey: I think today’s friendships are genuinely different because of the internet. I think kids need to peel away from technology in order to build the strength and deep roots to keep these kinds of friendships alive and healthy. Carolyn and I started our friendship because we were playing outside, away from technology and away from adults, which allowed us a more connected reality than I’ve seen in adolescents today.
Greene Dalgleish: Today, it seems easier to stay connected at a basic, more superficial level. But it feels like the deeper connections are much harder to develop for young people now. I think part of the reason our friendship has lasted and grown deeper is that we’ve really had to work for it, in good times and bad.

is the creator and co-author of 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety and the forthcoming In Case of Anxiety… Anxiety Hacks for a Janky World.

If You’ve Ever Thought These 7 Things, You Might Have Relationship OCD (as featured at YourTango.com July 2018)

And the 10 Steps to Take if You Do.

The power of the human mind is wonderful and boggling – except when it turns on you while peppering your psyche with a staccato of queries about your relationship. 

One minute your partner’s grandeur is so intense, it’s cartoonish. How did you ever land such a splendid fish? The next you’re spun into a vortex of doubt, placing them under intense analysis, and scrutinizing every nuance of the relationship, including their questionably thick eyebrows.

This barrage of errant thoughts and questions commonly arise in otherwise healthy relationships. The obsessions include judgments around their imperfections as a person and partner, or about the rightness of the relationship itself:

  1. Why can’t he get that huge mole on his back removed?
  2. Does her nose-have to whistle whenever she chews? Could I do better?
  3. I just saw a hot guy at Starbucks, so am I in the wrong relationship?
  4. Is he even smart enough for me?
  5. Why aren’t we shmoopy like other couples?
  6. There are times I’d rather look at Instagram than have sex with him. Am I staying in this relationship just to avoid hurting him?
  7. Why don’t I miss her even though I’ve been at Coachella for three days?

The form of anxiety that comes with liking someone is so common that it has its own acronym: ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). The seemingly sublime onset of ROCD has led to many brain-worm Taylor Swift songs and vodka tonics pondering if you’re with the right person. You may avoid taking the next step in your relationship because you can’t get past their perceived flaws, or you might even quit dating altogether because no one seems good enough. You met them on a free dating app, after all.

ROCD has been receiving increasing research and clinical attention as a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in which the sufferer experiences intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality, and nature of their love for their partner. As with other forms of OCD, the fixations in ROCD focus on issues of doubt and an intense discomfort with uncertainty.

These obsessions often contain responding compulsive behaviors to include seeking reassurances or gauging one’s own feelings, comparing characteristics of one’s partner with those of other potential mates, or avoidance actions. The compulsions, which are intended to lessen the distress caused by unwanted thoughts, can take forms such as regularly asking friends or family if you have made the “right” choice in your partner; comparing your relationship to a previous exciting (often unhealthy) relationship, Internet searches about “the one,” finding that sex is a chore or eating a sandwich during sex, while fixated on that back mole or eyebrow shrub.

Relationships in which one partner has ROCD can be chaotic, ending in the sad, ironic twist that the dread of hurting or losing one’s partner often results in both.

From Where Does ROCD Arise?

You position your companion against idealistic projections of “real” love from episodes of The Bachelor, royal weddings, or the seething sexual chemistry in Trojan™ personal lubricant commercials. This is exacerbated by dating apps like Tinder and OK Cupid which have created an atmosphere of seemingly endless options, short-attention-span-dating, and The BBD (bigger, better, deal). We have commoditized ourselves, and dating has become transactional. It’s no wonder that our anxiety surrounding relationships, commitment, and marriage has shot up, while the principles of love and marriage run askew.

Add to this the notion of “soulmates,” which further ups the relationship anxiety ante. There’s a fantasy that guides many into seeking idyllic partners or soulmates. If you could find that perfect match you’ll be guaranteed a lifetime of relationship bliss, right?

Nope.

Research by Aurora University psychologist Renae Franiuk who studies people’s beliefs about their intimate partnerships, called “Implicit Theories of Relationships,” says “People who believe in soul mates may be setting themselves up for a lifetime of heartache and failed relationships. If you operate according to the soulmate theory of relationships, you constantly evaluate your dating partners against the idealized image of the man or woman who will be the one true love of your life. Once you’re in a relationship, even without your knowing it, you perform constant comparisons between the actual person you’re with and that ideal one-true-love model in your mind.”

There is a persistent idea that when we choose someone to be a long-term partner, s/he will be an incredible lover, hold fireside chats about Tolstoy, and take long beach saunters while sharing kale smoothies. OCD demands that there be no doubt in a person’s mind whether s/he has chosen the right person. To the ROCD sufferer, their obsession is, “I must know unequivocally that my partner is the absolute one for me.” This belief is steeped in anxiety. The anxiety, in turn, compels the person to engage in the compulsive behaviors in a vain attempt to arrive at certainty.

How to Counter ROCD:

The goal is to reduce ROCD symptoms enough to reach an informed decision regarding your relationship. Implement any of the following skills to move toward inner peace:

1. Let go or be dragged.

Radically accept that there is no way to know with 100% certainty whether any relationship will work out for the long-haul. If they make you happy, and you share similar values and goals, then Yahtzee! We all have flaws, and no relationship is perfect.

2. Remember thoughts and feelings do not equal facts.

Remind yourself that all OCD is rooted in irrational fears and lies to you with baseless obsessions, rituals, and ruminations. Just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true. And, if you have experienced past OCD symptoms, a relationship can easily become the new focus.

3. Expose yourself.

The most effective form of treatment for ROCD is called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This entails exposing yourself to the thoughts, images, objects, and situations that make you anxious and cue your obsessions, while not engaging in a compulsive behavior in attempts to alleviate the angst. For example, if you’re claustrophobic, take the elevator, not the stairs.

4. Daisy chain your obsessions.

If you mentally play-out the calamitous beliefs causing you distress, you will negate their power over you. For each obsession, ask “And what’s the worst that can happen?” until you get to the end and see that the worst result is not catastrophic. ROCD includes a gross overestimation of the negative consequences of staying in relationships or being alone.

5. Stop the comparisons.

Comparison is the fastest route to misery. Stop researching or collaborating with others about the fit of your partner. Check-in with yourself whenever you find you’re ruminating about the relationship. This includes comparing your real relationship with those nauseating social media versions that you can “thumbs-up” later when they inevitably split.

Attraction and arousal wax and wane. Expecting yourself to always find your partner attractive, or to always be interested in sex is setting yourself up for discontent.

6. Realize that risk is scary, but regret is scarier.

Be willing to sit with the anxiety caused by the thought that you may not be committing to the “right” person. To live life fully one must take risks, or face regrets. Once you stop pursuing a futile quest for certainty, you can move forward. Seeking assurances is a compulsion that increases OCD thinking patterns.

7. Give yourself the present of presence.

Mindfulness is a skill that is practiced and perfected little by little … like using chopsticks to eat a salad. Mindfulness meditation encourages the practitioner to observe wandering thoughts as they drift through the mind. The intention is not to get involved with the thoughts or to judge them, but simply to be aware of each mental note as it arises. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develops and you become Yoda-like.

Don’t worry — meditating is easier than you might think.

Sit or lie comfortably in a quiet setting. Close your eyes. Make no effort to control the breath; just breathe naturally. Maintain your focus and attention on your breath and on how your body moves with each inhalation and exhalation. Each time your mind drifts to your thoughts, refocus back to your breaths.

8. Grab a pen and get mighty.

Research has shown that journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively and even improve your health. University of Texas at Austin psychologist and researcher James Pennebaker found that regular journaling strengthens immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Writing about stressful events helps you accept them, thereby reducing the impact of the stressors on your mental and physical health.

9. Remember that you cannot control your thoughts.

And that’s okay! It may appear that you can, but it only backfires with more obsessions and compulsions. What matters is what we do with our thoughts. Pay attention to your breathing and notice where in your body you are feeling the melee. Stay with that for a few minutes. Then notice where you feel the most comfortable. Then stay with that. Shift back and forth slowly for about 15 minutes. Do this every day.

10. Get by with a little help.

Notice your past relationships. How often have similar doubts shown up in your life? If there is a pattern, do not break off the relationship until you have practiced these skills, or consulted with a professional therapist. Like other OCD symptoms, relationship OCD symptoms require psychological intervention if causing significant distress.

If you’re in a place where you’re ready to reach out for help, consider online therapy.

Breakup Advice: Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke – or, if it is

Don't cut yourself on the pieces of broken people

There’s not enough glue in the world …

Dr. McDonagh and I receive a lot of emails and posts at State of Anxiety from heartache sufferers who could’ve and should have completely avoided their relationship pain and melee to begin with. Why?? Because the object of their affection was broken. It’s inherent in our nature to want to ‘right the ship’ and repair what’s not working. That’s all fine. Unless what’s not functioning comes with genitalia. Then it’s always best to leave the broken pieces where you found them, and back away. There’s a time to lend a hand, and a time for self-preservation and sprinting. I speak with a stunning degree of credibility, as I was once a “fixer” myself back in the day. I saw broken women as, “Challenge accepted! Where do I sign??” when I should have yelled, “Challenge averted! Where’s the [email protected] exit?!”

When a ’67 Shelby Mustang isn’t running right, you can tweak the carburetor, or replace the plugs. When a woman isn’t running right, you can’t fine tune her brain. Nor can you love and snuggle her into mental and emotional health. Dating a broken individual is akin to jumping in the deep-end to save someone from drowning. They will violently flail just before taking you down in their death grip. Even if you were (hypothetically) able to save them, you’ll incur an egregious amount of kicks, elbows, and head-butts before hoisting them to safety. More often than not, however, you’ll sink into the abyss together; your lungs filled with hair, water, and regret. As it is with dating the emotionally unstable man or woman. If you think s/he can be fixed over time, through struggle-snuggles and good advice, then it’s you who needs attention.

FIX YOUR “PICKER” NOT THE PERSON.

When someone selects a mate of this unsavory origin, they focus all efforts on the repair process, while toiling incessantly at the relationship – yet, it never seems right. Because it’s not. And, no amount of alcohol, coercion, grit, and tears will alter the outcome. The union is riddled with strife, imbalance, dissatisfaction, and unrequited love. And, like an Adam Sandler movie, it’s doomed to fail.

By the time we at State of Anxiety hear from the weary lover-turned-therapist, it’s at their point of perilous acquiescence. They’ve tried everything, to no avail. Not surprisingly, even the mental defector him/herself is telling them to “Move on. Don’t wait around. Save yourself …” while cray-cray pants tries to securely fasten their head back to their torso. Still, the misanthropic, bewildered lover insanely stays the course , assured they can make things right. That’s stinkin’ thinkin’ my friend. It would take months, years, or a lifetime of therapy to get Beezy Brokenbrain back on course. Are you a therapist?? Yes? Then you know better to date this genre. You’re not? Then call one for him/her and politely excuse yourself to the restroom to slither out the 2nd floor window. The fall will do you good.

Rather than trying to repair the person of interest, you’re far better served to fix your selection process (aka, “picker”) so that you never choose someone so emotionally stunted again. There’s a reason you chose Captain Chaos. Take some personal inventory to determine why that is. Then don’t repeat. The irony is that the crux of the problem in these types of relationships is … you. Just like it was once me. There is something internal driving you toward this self-destructive behavior.

I won’t be so bold as to predict the myriad of reasons you decided Suzy Rottenmind was worth your time and sanity. I already know the sex was good. Sex with a train-wreck always is. For me, it was more complicated. I sought emotional instability and chaos in relationships. Without it, I was bored. I thrived on the deranged. And, there’s never a shortage. Those were the only relationships I found sexually charged and rife with chemistry. Talk about bad science. When faced with an emotionally sound and stable woman, and I’d sneak out of her bed at night to crawl through the bars of the women’s correctional hospital.

I’m hoping this pattern is not indicative of your own. It took years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for me to end my own self-destructive course. How amazing would it be to not replicate the failures of others, such as myself? Yes, that was rhetorical. I’m actually telling you not to replicate my failures.

If they’re broke, don’t fix ’em.

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety

TeenAnxiety-PRO7 (3)

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety is a funny and significant resource for any teen experiencing anxiety, and currently available at major retailers such as Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart, and Amazon, or here: Ulysses Press.

Nationwide surveys report that today’s teens feel significantly more stressed than any other generation. Whether they face problems with school, friends, parents, or all of the above, teens will find a wide variety of easy, stress-coping methods in 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety.

Based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), the most widely used and popular anxiety therapy among clinicians, the book helps teens simultaneously accept the existence of their negative emotions and choose to respond in healthy ways.

The authors also provide clear and concise explanations of the causes,   symptoms, and types of anxiety so that readers can stop attacks before they even begin. Teens cannot control what they think or feel, but they can control how they behave. Now, by following the proven and simple-to-use exercises they can achieve peace.

 

 

Breakup Advice: Go ghost

Go_GhostI’d like to address a timely trend we are noticing within recent emails and posts sent by breakup sufferers. It’s related to the premise of “going ghost” following a breakup. It’s not a tool to make your ex wonder what you’re up to, or a component of gamesmanship. This is a self-preservation tactic designed specifically for you. Going ghost is the single best method of preventing regrettable acts. You cannot be remorseful if you have not taken any action but to be still.

But, this is a piece of advice rarely given without the response, “So, when can I contact her/him!?” I counter that question with another question: “What is your agenda in making contact??” Based on your response, you have your own answer. People ask this question because they’re intensely afraid of being forgotten, or inadvertently appearing disinterested to your ex. The underlying fear is that there is something you can do “fix” the situation and stave off further pain. Interestingly, probably the only thing you haven’t tried as a breakupee is “doing nothing.” Whereas your constant attempts at soliciting a response or repairing the situation have only put you further in the hole.

So, if your agenda is to get him/her back – or – if ANY of your actions cause you to return your focus on him/her, then it’s probably best to do the opposite: Go ghost. Directing or maintaining your attention on the source of your pain will bring you more what?? Hint: PAIN.

If you’re playing with a loaded gun and it goes off, shooting you in the dick, do you keep playing with the gun? Or – more logically – do you call 911 and get the hell away from the weapon?! HINT: This is a rhetorical question. You just got shot in the dick. I’m not saying that your ex is armed or is aiming for your prized appendage – even though that isn’t uncommon. But, your immediate post-breakup response should be the same. You’re wounded. Not mortally, but it feels so. You need to tend to your heart wound. You do this by gaining some distance – not by running back to the source.

Look, I’m no mountaintop oracle, or your designated breakup overlord. I’m just a guy put on this carbon-based sphere to prevent others from self-flagellating post-breakup. You don’t want to lose your shit over this. Unfortunately, I cannot implant a chip in your noggin and control your moves from my Xbox. I can only advise you virtually from my clandestine, subterranean Breakup Command Center. You can heed my counsel, or type some profane diatribe, hit “Send,” and return to your diabolical plan of reconciliation.

But, first consider this: In the absence of any reconciliation or cease-fire by your ex, the “No contact” rule is the most apt policy to obtain any semblance of healing, while avoiding maladaptive behaviors. IF things are going to work-out later (assuming they should), they stand the best chance without your irrational meddling while in the throes of breakup anxiety. You are simply not of sound mind this early on to emotionally navigate this course and achieve your goal. So the best action is no action. Going ghost is going to save you further damage – self-inflicted or otherwise.

Now, back to your original question: When can you make contact?

Answer: If you’ve got anything that must be said right now, write it and mail it USPS with no return address. Once.

If you are seeking any type of response or outcome, you have likely already communicated all that is needed to repair things at the time of the breakup. There is no further action needed right now. If s/he wants to get back together, they will let you know.

YOU CAN’T BE MISSED IF YOU NEVER GO AWAY.

Breakup advice: The breakup advice that can prevent the need for … breakup advice

Breakup adviceTo greatly increase your odds of avoiding a breakup, there is one commonly overlooked tactic to implement before getting bounced from your union: BOUNDARIES.

And, if you’ve just experienced a breakup, it’s never too late to leverage the mystic power of boundaries. Keep reading. When someone contacts State of Anxiety seeking breakup advice they’re often in the early stage of breakup pain, while experiencing an emotional cocktail of shock, disbelief, sorrow, and a roofie of anxiety. This period is further laced with an overriding sensation of destabilization. Surprisingly, you don’t have to date someone for long to become enmeshed with them. Herein lies the danger. You don’t know how it happened. You used to be so autonomous and “master of your domain.” Now you’re clutching your chest because it feels like you can’t breathe without him/her. Seems odd, right? I mean, you had an entire life before that pivotal day you met at the bar/gym/traffic light/on Tinder. So, why does it suddenly feel like you can’t make a sandwich without them?!

The allure of impenetrable personal boundaries is in their indisputable prowess to guard us from interpersonal and dating ills. They’re like invisible force-fields that repel bullshit, douchebags, emotional abusers, bullets, gamma rays and asteroids. They keep you from dating the undateable, and no one should risk dating without them. You wear a jacket when it’s cold, a helmet when you ride, a fanny-pack at the mall, and one of those laughable wrist guards when you go bowling. Yet, so few of us adorn ourselves in relational boundaries to protect the very thing that keeps us alive: Our heart! This is worse than walking down a busy street and fornicating with people at random without a condom … in some sort of bizarre street orgy. (Note: I’m from San Francisco and, sadly, such festivals exist.) Nevertheless, the very thought should make you cringe. And, so should the notion of blindly investing your heart into any relationship sans boundaries. Doing so is an open invitation to maladjusted opportunists to have their way with your life and emotional well-being. You might put your genitals somewhere dirty – but, don’t put your heart there.

Boundaries can literally prevent you from weeks, months, or years of anguish because you allowed the wrong guy or girl into your life. Have you ever got the wrong girl pregnant?? That’s 18 years. Boundaries also prevent enmeshment. At the most basic level, enmeshment is a concept where your life becomes blurred with that of another. In this scenario, we don’t know where we end and s/he begins. Whereas a healthy relationship consists of two whole entities who love and support one another, while remaining complete on their own. Enmeshment is “1 + 1 = 1.” So it goes with relationships – even marriages. He or she does not actually complete you. You damn well better remain complete on your own. Why? Two reasons: (1) You never want to complete anyone, or vice versa. A fence post that leans on another makes a shitty fence. And, (2) If, for whatever reason, the relationship/marriage ends, you will need to be a whole entity again. So, why not remain one in the first place?

“But, Jon, this ‘boundaries’ crap isn’t going to help me now! I just got dumped!!” Au contraire mon frere! Establishing boundaries – even after a breakup – strengthens resolve AND helps to rebuild self-esteem following a bad breakup. Creating them will directly contribute to the healing process, while (BONUS!!) preventing you from relapsing back toward the “dark-side” (where “dark-side” = your ex). It gets even better. Establishing boundaries will actually protect you with regard to ALL of your interpersonal relationships – whether it be matters of the heart, familial relationships, or at work to keep tyrannical colleagues and managers from taking advantage of you, or stealing your pens.

If I sound pragmatic or unemotional about this, I’m not. Contrarily, I am a huge proponent of healthy people and relationships that go the distance. Enmeshment counters such. I like to think of personal boundaries as a kick-ass perimeter around the home – where “home” is a metaphor for your heart. And, not the cute white picket fence you might be envisioning. But a formidable, tall, black iron-wrought variety with sharp points on top that only a ninja eunuch would consider scaling. Add an armed sentry at the locked gate for good measure. This is precisely how your personal boundaries should work. Where the only dates allowed entry are those who meet your PREDEFINED requirements that espouse who you are and reflect what you want in your life. Your individual requirements will vary, but may include things like non-smoking, lack of/tons of facial hair, no/lots of tattoos, wants/does not want children, vegetarian/or, prefers food that craps on a vegetarian’s food, etc. These are also the characteristics typically identified as “red-flags” later when people contact us at State of Anxiety following a bad breakup. It is quite common to have sufferers write, “There were all these ‘red-flags’ early on, but I ignored them.” What if you didn’t ignore them? Even better, what if you screened for them at the boundary?

Always heed your intuition. Even better, implement personal boundaries while you are single, or after a breakup. Because the best breakup advice is the advice you won’t need later.

Breakup Advice: How did this happen?

How did this happenIt’s common for tons of questions to run through our heads in the aftermath of a breakup. The Who, What, Where, When, Why, and Hows can dominate our thoughts and create an almost catatonic effect if we let them. It’s possible that for the first week or two this is your mind/body’s way of telling you what it needs: Just a little bit of time to sit back, absorb the blow, and recharge. There’s certainly nothing wrong with taking a brief time-out. But if time continues to pass and nothing has changed, then it’s time to become more proactive.

Unfortunately, while it might seem productive, constantly asking ourselves questions is also one of the least effective strategies to feeling better. While we all have our own greatest hits list of break up questions, one of the most common is some version of “How did this happen?”

It’s almost as if we ask ourselves enough times we will eventually stumble upon the right answer, providing us with the relief we’ve been searching for — but we won’t. And, any sound breakup advice will state this fact. Monday morning quarterbacking doesn’t work in the NFL and it doesn’t work with a breakup. In fact, asking “How did this happen?” only makes us feel worse.

How come?

Because underneath each question is a statement. In general, the statement underneath “How did this happen?” is some version of “This should not have happened!” or “I didn’t want this to happen!.” The harsh reality is that it did happen. Continuing to ask yourself how it happened only serves as a distractor from reality. And, if you try to avoid or reject reality, you will always lose.

We don’t have to like it, but if we want to stop being zombies and rejoin the living, then our focus should be on working to accept, not approve, this loss. This shift in thinking will not take away the pain of a breakup (nothing in the immediate aftermath will), but it will help reduce the intensity.

– Jon

 

 

Breakup Advice: Call/Text/Snapchat the ex?

Social media stalkingOne of the most common questions I hear from clients seeking breakup advice is, “Is it okay for me to call my ex?” In short, the answer is, “Probably not” – at least not in the beginning. I say probably because there are always going to be extenuating circumstances, like if you live together and have to figure out logistics. But, overall you’re not doing yourself any favors by reaching out to this person. There was a reason for the break up, right?

In my experience, I’ve found that exes continue to talk to each other because they miss having that “someone” around. It’s old habit to say goodnight, or to text them for dinner plans on a random Wednesday. And, not having that just flat out hurts. So when you do call them and talk, of course it feels nice. It reminds you of that feeling of support that’s missing in your new post-breakup life. But that call or text, no matter how innocent, prevents you from moving forward. Just because it feels good in the moment doesn’t mean it’s going to be helpful long term. Any breakup advice that says differently is misleading.

I like to think of phone calls to the recent ex as a pain avoidance mechanism. You are in pain and reaching out will make you feel better temporarily. But if you’re just reaching out to make yourself feel better, you’re treating the “symptom” and not the cure. For example, if I have coffee breath during the day, I could pop a mint in my mouth. But that would only work for a short period of time. The real solution would be to brush my teeth – and, probably stop drinking coffee in the afternoon. But, that’s not a relationship I’m ready to let go of quite yet.

Not having contact after a breakup allows you to go through the emotional swings that are necessary to get better. Yes, it is painful and, yes, it is difficult. But these feelings are natural. Calling the ex after a breakup only makes it worse and lengthens the time it takes to feel better. That’s breakup advice you can put to the test.

– Jon

Breakup Advice: Why all the now?

The time is always ... Now

                   The time is always … Now

As you might have noticed during your breakup advice search, there seems to be a focus on “living in the now” to help survive a breakup.  Sound breakup advice will include a consistent and straightforward message. Part of that message will include the premise to “Stay in the now:” Don’t drift, don’t let your mind wander, and don’t start eating that pint of ice cream and wonder how you got to the bottom of it so quickly. Do stay focused, do be attuned to yourself and your surroundings, and do get intensely interested in the now.

But how come?

From a logical standpoint you can’t be in the “now” all the time. Sometimes you have to think about the future. You know, for those outlandish tasks like paying your bills or thinking about traffic so you’re not late for work. So it seems like the breakup advice that is supposed to help you feel better is contradictory to functioning in our daily lives.

The trick is to focus on the now only when it is helpful to do so. Planning for retirement? Probably not the best time to jump on the “live in the now” bandwagon. Another way to look at it is to become focused on the now when you are feeling overwhelmed and need to take a quick mental vacation.

But, why does it work?

And, here’s a valuable takeaway of breakup advice: There is one big rule to the way our brains work with our thoughts during a breakup. If you think about the past you become sad. If you think about the future you become anxious. But, if you focus on the present things somehow just seem better.

I should note that sitting and thinking, “Why did we break up?” is not being in the moment—it’s thinking about the past. A now thought is, “I am having thoughts about a break up.” There is a world of difference between these two. Recognizing you are having a thought gives you greater control over your current emotional state and makes the moment more tolerable. Asking yourself why the relationship ended makes you think about the past and increases your suffering. You don’t need to solve the question to feel better. You need to learn how to tolerate pain in the moment to feel better. Your life is only ever now. And that is what being in the now is all about.

– Jon