State of Anxiety

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Breakup Advice: Emotion regulation

Are there "good" vs. "bad" emotions??

Are there “good” vs. “bad” emotions??

It’s a little known fact that there is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. I think this is a good place to start, especially since we tend to “feel bad” about “feeling bad.” Don’t.

Emotions simply are what they are; we just attach a good or bad label to them after we experience them. There are plenty of reasons why we do this: Societal messages, religion, family values, pharmaceutical commercials, our efforts to try and make sense of this world, etc… Plus the obvious that it’s natural to think feeling happy is good and feeling sad is bad. I’m not trying to rally against these reasons; I’m just saying there are reasons why we do this.

The idea that emotions are neither “good” nor “bad” blew my mind the first time I had to think about it – as it was such an engrained concept. But the fish does not know it’s swimming in water. It’s sometimes easier to think of things in extremes. Consider a really “bad” emotion:  Hopelessness. This has to be one of the most painful emotions a person can experience. It implies a consistent, never ending dread with a sense of “I can’t believe I have to drag my carcass through another day.”

My point is that hopelessness, in and of itself, isn’t a “bad” feeling. It’s just a feeling. We certainly do not want to experience it, but saying to yourself that feeling hopeless is “bad” is like saying it’s “bad” to feel the rain on your face (Linehan). You have no control over the touch receptors on your skin just like you have no control over the limbic system in your brain that facilitates your initial emotions. You’re blaming yourself for something you have zero control over, which is not the most helpful method to recover.

What you do have control over is how you respond to these emotions… And, that starts with recognizing that they are neither good nor bad.

– Tom

Breakup advice you need. Now.

Breakup without breaking down

State of Anxiety is a website dedicated to helping you through a breakup in an unprecedented manner. It’s practical breakup advice and humor unlike any other – and, with huge results. If you’ve already done an Internet search and landed here, then you know there are more than a few tons of useless resources out there – especially for women. And, if you’ve been lucky enough in life to dodge a bout of anxiety up till now, a breakup might, unfortunately, end that streak. Everyone suffers from a breakup and the resulting anxiety at one time or another. Anxiety and breakups go together like a colonoscopy during a Justin Bieber concert – in that you never want to experience either – especially both together.

But, a breakup doesn’t mean a breakdown. And, breakup advice doesn’t have to be the banal variety mostly available thus far. Why not tap in to a new breakup recovery paradigm? The worse you are feeling, the more imperative it is to access a unique approach that works quickly to alleviate your pain. How long your breakup anxiety lasts will determine if it’s the problematic type. The duration is what separates the normal from the neurotic. No one knows neurosis like we do. And, neurotic or not, Tom and I will get you through it. Since anxiety is a normal reaction to a breakup, there’s nothing to fear. Anxiety actually helps us deal with a tense situation. Whether it be in the office when someone eats your sandwich from the break room fridge, or keeping you focused during a job interview (at a company where people don’t steal sandwiches). In general, anxiety helps us cope with the swerves of life. Think of it as the fire under your ass that jump-starts you into some sort of action. Sometimes that action is detrimental to your well-being – which is why we’ve brought helmets and breakup advice that’s better than bubble-wrap.

State of Anxiety is both spot-on breakup advice and perspective, and a handy resource that you won’t find anywhere else. This site and the accompanying soon-to-be released book is a lot of uniquely wonderful things – but, it isn’t the status quo breakup advice littering bookstore shelves and online book retailers. Rather, the State of Anxiety website and book provide relief and the, “Hey, I’m not so crazy after all” type of self-reflection sorely needed by the hundreds of millions suffering from a breakup at any given moment. State of Anxiety utilizes humor, heavy doses of introspection, and sound clinical advice as an unconventional approach to the personal chaos of a breakup. State of Anxiety is the first, and maybe the only, website designed to placate pain and anxiety as it chronicles the comical manifestations of a breakup. If you don’t think there is such a thing, read this.

When it comes to breakup advice, clinical studies repeatedly show that laughter heals. According to Discovery News, “The protection apparently comes from endorphins, a complex chemical that helps to transmit messages between neurons but also dulls signals of physical pain and psychological stress.” In addition to humor and the much needed relatability/perspective during a breakup,  State of Anxiety promotes healing while providing a collective identity through a community of like-minded, insightful visitors who learn to quickly navigate a breakup with the precision of a ninja. State of Anxiety is also a checks-and-balances to help determine if what you’re feeling at any point during a breakup is valid, while acting as a healthy distraction to provide levity and  a way through the potential agony. State of Anxiety is the perfect accoutrement and social utility to check-in with peers experiencing similar angst, while taking something positive away. Sometimes, a dose of perspective is all that is needed. But we offer so much more. In doing so, we’ve turned breakup advice on it’s head.

The State of Anxiety website and book are a testament to our dedication and life’s work to getting you through your breakup pain. State of Anxiety is the quintessential source to breaking-up while breaking-out of your mold. When it comes to breakup advice – hang-on tight – things are about to get real …

Breaking-Up Badly

It is common knowledge that breakups are the heart’s equivalent to getting stabbed in the crotch with scissors. To the recipient of walking papers from a relationship, even the brightest, most sunshiny day can feel like a canker sore. And, barring the passage of time, there is no single effective cure for the gut-wrenching angst associated with heartache.

The typical breakup is comprised of a series of standard stages through which everyone progresses in roughly the same manner. However, the “actions” associated with each stage differ for men versus women. The male breakup recovery cycle is largely counter-productive in comparison with the female version – especially if “breakup anxiety” begins – in which case a routine breakup for either sex becomes a case-study in maladaptive social bizarredom. For the anxious individual, the symptoms and manifestations associated with the breakup stages are measurably more self-defeating, sadistic, lengthy, and, oddly – awe inspiring – than that of a split for the less anxious populace. And, though the phases for a breakup involving an anxious person can affect both males and females – it is far less socially acceptable in a man.

This is the primary reason there are so few books available to men regarding breakups. You have to look no further than the breakup book covers and titles to validate this claim: “He’s Just Not That Into You“; “The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy“; and “Breakup Girl to the Rescue“, for example. The list is long, and each cloaked in pink, pastel, and effeminate covers. As general practice men go to bars and strip-clubs, hook-up with a random stranger, stalk their ex, or binge drink upon having a significant relationship terminated. But, once anxiety kicks-in he becomes an emotional crash-test dummy. He is the poster child for Kleenex, alcohol, and anti-depressants. And, he was recently … me.

Post breakup advice from a guy is seldom, if ever, helpful. “Man-therapy” is worthless – unless the man has “LCSW” or “Bartender” following his name. After my very first breakup, my dad bluntly dispensed some advice while we worked on my Dodge pick-up. It was one short, memorable statement he made as he torqued on something important under the hood with some large torquing type of device. In referring to my ex, he said, “Son, there is nothing between her legs that you won’t find between another set – so, move on.” Sage advice. But clearly, my father assumed I was as shallow as my brother, whom rolled through breakups like a pimp with a titanium heart and sealed tear ducts.

There are basically three stages of any breakup. And, the following are how each plays-out for an anxious individual:

Stage I for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Shock & Awe:“
This initial period is accompanied with a false sensation of, “I can totally fix this.“ It is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep, a disregard for personal hygiene, and peppered with moments of irrationality. It is comprised by a sense of defeat that this was the single greatest partner you will ever have, that you will never meet anyone as good, and you will die alone. Sure, you’ve somehow recovered from previous losses, but this one is seemingly insurmountable.

It is within this early state that you believe the resultant heartache will kill you. Your current state of emotions feel worse than had your love interest actually died in a freak bong or hair straightener/White Rain aerosol accident. Had they actually died, you would not be picturing them naked in ritualistic Conquistador-type sex orgies. And, in the instance of their death, you would receive paid time off from work with copious sympathy from colleagues and peers. Not so with breakups. People tire of your incessant whining and ideological droning about times past.

In the campaign to win back the object of your desire, this stage will often include regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and voicemails in futile attempts to recon the defector – while each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within hours. This period is rife with a fuzzy logic that there is just the right combination of words and dire pleading to get them to reconsider. Like reminding them that no one will ever love them the way you do. It is wise to keep a dose or two of Ativan, Xanax, or Klonopin readily available to prevent the inevitable emotional meltdown or impulsive purchase. I took Xanax during a long mountain bike ride after my breakup, and passed-out midway on a remote hillside. And, offering to do everything now that you were unwilling to do while in the relationship is a colossal ‘red-flag.’ To yourself. 

Remedy for Stage I:
If you take away anything from this article, let it be this: Do not ask him/her to sleep with you one more time in  the hope it will somehow woo them back. If you pose this question, you will be denied even a sliver of dignity upon which to rest. It is imperative to limit self-humiliation and to avoid further contact with your ex. An effective technique to implement at this early stage is deleting the object of affection’s number from your phone contacts list. Even better, is turning off the phone and keeping it in the trunk of your car. If, as in my case, the number is permanently etched into your mind from days of deranged dialing, then change the object of affection’s name within your phone to something more appropriate like, “Rotten Crotch,” “Man Whore,” “Patriot’s Fan,” etc. This will limit moments of nostalgia and the certain romanticizing of his/her name.

Perform an exorcism of all relationship mementos: Emails, cards, photos, half-used massage oils, candles, anal beads, concert tees, Tantric Sex guides, etc. Despite how expensive, memorable, or impressively crafted, they must all be discarded. Jewelry is excluded, as it should go directly to a consignment shop, with the resulting cash used on legal massage or facials. I still miss the beautiful desk globe my ex got me for Christmas – but, it looked much better at the bottom of my garbage. My shirts she loved to wear – now used to wipe the mud and bugs off the front of my truck. Her toothbrush – perfect for removing hard-to-reach toilet algae from under the rim. Bath gels, shampoos, lotions, hair clips – all trash. I found that ridding of her hair was the final and most tenacious forensic leftover of which to dispose. I found it everywhere … for months. All over my floors, in the dryer, permanently intertwined in my hair brush, in my sock drawer, adhered to my shower tile, clogging pipes, etc. It’s a wonder she had any hair at all, with a shed-rate of a Wookie.

Change all venues you regularly frequented together, such as gyms, bars, naughty shops, theaters, cafes, Pottery Barn, etc. You could probably use the change of scenery anyhow. And, no matter what month the breakup occurs, it will seem everyone else you know is in a happy, healthy, sexually-charged relationship. Even your ugliest and socially stunted of friends will somehow secure mates during this time, then say asinine things like, “Hey, when you get a new partner let us know so we can double-date.” And, skip rebound dating for now, under the presumption that “The quickest way to get over one, is to get under another.” This is a brief distractor and, invariably, turns into date-therapy and sound-boarding your problems on to some innocent philanthropist kind enough to get naked with this woeful, depressed version of you. Your sole focus is making it to the next phase while limiting any carnage to yourself or some unsuspecting prey from Tinder.

Stage II for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Death-by-Analysis“:
This white-knuckle stage is infused with just enough “What’s wrong with me” self-loathing to completely derail any chance of near-term recovery. Life feels like a vapid waste of time that varies in length, wreaking havoc on the synapses, short circuiting the neurons while your exhausted brain runs endless scenarios trying to solve the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre “CSI” type of relationship re-enactment. You painstakingly dissect every past conversation, event, moment, expression, and nuance of the relationship in futile attempts to plot a reconnaissance and recovery strategy. This insidious period takes hold just as you feel you could not sink any lower, and upon realizing the breakup was probably all your fault and that he/she is really never coming back. 

Each day you awaken yearning for a mere 1% reduction in sorrow and heartache, and more than 4 hours of sleep. I avoided my bedroom entirely and slept on the living room couch for the next two months. My days were spent outdoors and ‘on-the-go’ in an attempt to stay distracted till I was physically spent, then I would down a couple of sleeping pills. I avoided my memory-tainted bedroom altogether. Her aura hung in there like a fat, lazy demon – always looming, while unresponsive to exorcisms. And, oddly, one whom sadistically hid her scrunchies and hair-ties throughout the night for me to find later. Her ghost was a bitch.

Remedy for Stage II:
To counter the morbid feelings inherent to this stage, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, eat right, and exercise. Wean off the liquor and Mylanta, and introduce your body to some calories in the form of broth, dry toast, and perhaps graduate to an actual fruit smoothie. And, wash it all down with some heavy metal. Because no matter when you breakup, you will hear only dismal love songs to feed your angst. Richard Marx, Air Supply, The Commodores, John Waite and the grocery store Muzak play-list all conspire against your recovery. There is often no mental escape except the solace brought on by the death metal genre. You won’t find any power ballads on the Sirius Heavy Metal-XL 40 channel. Embrace your inner head-banger and savor some Goatwhore, Hatesphere, or Napalm Death. Sure, it feels a tad Satanic and insubordinate at first. But, this audio ecstasy greatly facilitated my own recovery. And, rather than sulking into the lump of moist waste that John Mayer and Maroon 5 will produce, death metal will usher you to the “healthy” angry stage of a breakup. 

If you haven’t done so, stop sending flowers and/or gifts and recoup some losses – like your self-esteem. No more idealizing, and begin reducing your love interest’s grandiosity by radically accepting things for what they are. Friends usually have your best interests in mind, and make convincing liars regarding how much better off you are. In my case, however, male friends only added to the distress by stating that my ex was doing some other guy at random moments – and, probably – multiple guys. And, even though she was not sexually adventurous with me, she is certainly now an amateur porn star, while pulling ecstasy-induced all-night sexcapades. She was a former gymnast after all. In my mind, she made the “Kama Sutra” read like a beginners wall chart to yoga. 

Retail therapy often helps women within this state-of-mind regain some self assuredness. Many spare no expense when purchasing their way into temporary bliss. New clothes are not as cathartic or therapeutic for an emotionally wounded straight man, however. Retail therapy for a guy means a muscle car or a new truck with thousands in aftermarket modifications, followed by a serious bout of “buyer’s remorse.” This is precisely how I acquired a $65,000 lifted, customized 4×4 truck. The high lasted about 40 hours until I had to fill the gas tank for the first time. 

The Final Stage (III) for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Reattaching Genetalia“
Congratulations! You are beginning to feel some emancipation from your emotional purgatory. You do not feel as physically repulsive as before, and you have some real marketability to leverage since giving-up the pastime of wallowing in anger and self-defeat. Thankfully, the visceral imagery has stopped, and no longer do you mull over your ex every minute of each day. You have even moderately accepted that, depending on your ex’s “promiscuity index,” he/she has been naked with someone you despise. Somewhat unsettling to know, but no longer a deathblow. And, you can watch as the season changes and know that you are not going to perish from a bleeding heart. On the upside, you’ve even lost enough weight to rock those skinny jeans. 

Perhaps the best part of this phase is that you have stopped idealizing the relationship and see it for what it was: A two-party ‘shitshow.’ Use this time to accelerate gaining distance from the person and the past. It really is okay that your supposed “perfect” relationship is irretrievable. It’s a delusion that if you had back, would end in the same twisted wreckage. You may even consider going on a date and not verbally vomiting the name of your ex. What’s important is that you get out there and take some swings, jabs, cracks, or whatever your preferred sports analogy. 

Finally, it is important to note that is within this final stage of your recovery that your ex will fortuitously make a reappearance. This assumes you followed the aforementioned recommendations, and their reappearance is not in response to a court subpoena for your criminal stalking trial. The moment your ex senses you have moved on, will be the moment they can’t stand knowing you have. The sick irony, however, is that they will absolutely not contact you prior to you getting over them. Plan for this momentous day by readying yourself for the moral high-ground. Quiet confidence speaks volumes here. There is no need to remind him/her what they lost in you, because this isn’t about you. It’s about their own frail and bruised ego, and the fact they only care that you have managed to somehow prevail in their absence. Sometimes God sends an ex back into your life to see if you’re still stupid.

Remember, “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken.” I read that on a neon pink breakup book cover somewhere …

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS! (First Time Ever)

Have you ever wanted to use a taser on your own leg? Or, name your baby “Apple,” or another crispy fruit? Or, get published to State of Anxiety?

Well, your anxious, wayward dinghy has come in.

For the first time ever, we’re interested in reppin’ and showcasing other voices.

**(1) Are we lazy? (2) Guilt-ridden for years of ignoring unsolicited submission requests? (3) Or, do we want to incubate rising literary stars?**

Does it matter?! You get to flex your creative angst here. And, we’re the poster child site for dysfunction. So, if not here, where? It’s rhetorical. There is no better forum young/old, anxious Fitzgerald.

(**Also, hint: It’s #1, #2, and #3 above.)

Send your best 3 – 5 pitches (with summaries) to [email protected], and you might be featured here.

Comp is bylines only. Unless you’re so good or reputable that we have to get our Accounts Payable Dept. involved.

This is for budding or established writers, and PR agencies only. Absolutely no commercial entities looking to seed backlinks to the ethersphere.

Target word count is 700 – 1,000 words. Humor is so encouraged, it’s almost mandatory. If you’re not funny, accept your fate and distract us with mind-blowing prose.

-SoA

 

Myths We Tell Ourselves and Others to Ease Suffering

We tell people in the throes of adversity silly things in attempts to placate their angst. We also bask ourselves in a litany of clichés during stressful times to counter emotional suffering. We post them to social media, or tape them to our fridge next to that “Live, Love, Laugh” trope and the grocery list.

It’s not that we mean to be trite – it’s that we often don’t know what else to do or say to offer support.

Classic standby platitudes include the following:

  • God will never give you more than you can handle.
    God never actually said this. Just ask Moses or Job. But it sounds nice, while imparting just enough hope to accept that spilled $6 latte or another mass shooting.
  • What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
    Tons of stuff can make you weaker … just before killing you. Have you ever seen someone bleed out?
  • Pain is weakness leaving the body.
    What a cute little absurdity. Excrement, sweat, and urea are weaknesses leaving the body. Pain can stick around indefinitely.
  • Opportunity often comes disguised as adversity.
    Opportunity doesn’t think this far in advance. Maybe it’s just shy, or likes surprising us. Either way, opportunity and adversity are as discernible as love and hate, or Michael Jackson skin tones through the decades.
  • The Serenity Prayer.
    Maybe this one helps, I don’t know. I can never remember the words.
  • We have nothing to fear by fear itself.
    FDR married his fifth cousin … do his mantras have any credibility? Also, there are plenty of things to fear, like dating apps, light beer, or former child actors. His point is moot.
  • God helps those who help themselves.
    I fell for this one too. Stand back, mere mortal – God doesn’t need our help.
  • In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.
    I’m a rabid fan of Robert Frost, but his death in 1963 negates this proverbial gem.

There’s a reason canned, verbal peps don’t work: They’re simply not true. Can you think of a single instance of personal suffering where you recited anything similar, and felt a change in your emotions or mindset? We aren’t The Little Engine that Could.

When my grandmother, Hazel, my mom, and I were all diagnosed with cancers within the same year, I was emotionally spent and, honestly, pissed-off at the cosmos … or whoever made-up that “God will never give you more than you can handle” puff-slogan.

The topper of that time, however, was that from all the night-grinding of my teeth from stress, I had bone loss and gum recession in my lower jaw, requiring a $2,000 gum surgery. Human cadaver forearm skin was grafted to the inside of my lower gumline, while using growth factor from my own blood to lessen the tissue rejection. This prevented me from cursing aloud at life for wronging me, as I risked the piece of dead arm flying from my mouth.

No enemy is worse than bad advice.  – Sophocles

I can assure you that there were no cute motivational quips that could fix all that ailed me that year. Yet, friends would dispense asinine “pick-me-ups” while I fake smiled over gritted teeth and gums that weren’t mine.

Some of their trivial well-wishes included, “Just put one foot in front of the other;” “Tomorrow is a new day;” or “It’ll get better!” (the last person wasn’t even trying). The advice my friends gave me was as useless as the “ueue” in queue.

I knew they meant well, but had no offerings beyond the preceding hollow citations. And, I can’t blame them. I have a friend whom recently lost his mom to Covid in an ICU. I too struggled to placate his suffering with the right spoken Band-Aid.

It’s not that we don’t want to assuage the angst that we or someone we care about is feeling – it’s that doing so is a skill so few of us are trained to do.

So, What Can You Do For Someone (or, Yourself) Who is Going Through a Tough Time?

In absence of helping a friend sponge-bathe their infirmed parent, or donating your own arm skin for their mouth, there are simple but surprisingly helpful things you can do.

1. If it’s you going through a difficult time, radically accept what is happening to you. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you have to agree with what’s happening or how you feel about it – but  you accept it as it is, no matter how painful or inconvenient it is. C’est la vie. Whatever will be, will be. It is so, so it is. There is incredible freedom in merely accepting how things are.

2. Regularly check-in with yourself and your feelings. If you’re feeling irritable, for example, take tangible steps to lessen your angst. This might include taking regular long walks or working-out, watching a comedy, turning-off your phone and reading some Dave Barry or David Letterman, or doing some guided meditations from YouTube.

3. If it’s a friend hurting, simply ask them how they are doing. Then be present and listen. You don’t need to offer nuggets of life-altering advice. It’s actually best that you don’t. Just listen.

4. Ask how you can best support them during this trying time. If it’s you who is hurting, how can you be your own best advocate? Hint: regular sleep, healthy eating, and not self-isolating.

5. Be consistent. Don’t check-in once and fade to black. Check-in regularly, even if via text.

6. Lastly, avoid the trite prose fails we often default upon. And, the next time someone gives you useless advice, convince them that having another baby will save their relationship.

Is that a Pachyderm On Your Chest?

We Are the Unhappiest We’ve Been in 50 Years…

Many of us are one wobbly-wheeled grocery cart encounter away from arm-barring someone’s maskless, selfish face. Especially here in California, where heat, wildfires, high Covid rates, and a hyper-contentious looming election add further anxiety, anarchy, and possibly more monster truck rallies into our collective future.

Like you, I’m facing notable levels of grief and apathy – as indicated by my 2 am binge-watching of Cobra Kai, eating weed gummies, and hitting snooze until lunchtime. Then taking a nap around 4:00. I even lack the energy to thumb scroll and judge people on social media. I’m filled with a general malaise where I can’t focus on anything beyond licking a stamp or overeating.

With over a month of West Coast wildfires, leaving the house means chewing through the chowder thick, carcinogenic air. It has even crept into the house where I have to regularly rinse my eyes with cold water. There is no escape beyond driving hundreds of miles east. Which I’m too apathetic to do. I often find myself standing in a window searching for the glowing orange orb of a sun through the claustrophobic haze. When I find it, I stare too long.

With all the adverse events unfolding, I’ve traded the great outdoors for brief, masked interactions at Trader Joe’s or Petco. My hikes replaced by long, boring spin bike rides and carpet push-ups.

I’m hearing a common theme about not just a general malaise, but something more concerning: An overall feeling of hopelessness. It’s not normal for so many Americans to feel this anxious or depressed.

A third of Americans are now showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression.

For every 100 American adults, 34 show symptoms of anxiety, depression … or, both. The data is directly from a Census study titled, Measuring Household Experiences during the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Pandemic.

Here’s the drop-kicker: Deep within that 20-minute survey, savvy U.S. officials included four questions taken from a form used by physicians to screen patients for depression and anxiety. The responses provide an alarming view into the country’s mental health after months of distress, seclusion, unemployment, and doubt.

The Census Bureau finding supports the mounting evidence of an increasing mental health crisis among Americans. Sadly, experts say that without intervention, the nation will experience a rise in suicides, substance abuse and overdose deaths.

And, what is our government’s response to this looming mental health catastrophe? Zero f#cks given. When asked how they would follow-up with respondents to the Census Bureau survey, the CDC said in an emailed statement:

“It is not feasible, nor would it be appropriate, to provide any health advice to respondents on the basis of their responses.”

The government actually has a responsibility to address the problems revealed by the survey. “If you measure a problem, presumably it’s because you want to do something about it,” said Maria A. Oquendo, former president of the American Psychiatric Association (APA). Doctors don’t diagnose patients with cancer only to send them back into the asbestos mine.

So, why should you feel hopeful?

Go easy on yourself. It would be weird for you to not feel jacked-up over all that’s happening. Current events are heavy and creating an unavoidable wake of despair for the majority.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, says that re-imagining happiness is almost hard-wired into Americans’ DNA. “Human beings are remarkably resilient. There’s lots and lots of evidence that we adapt to everything. We move forward.” 

Source the humor! It’s always there. As Erma Bombeck once said, “There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” It seems personally blasphemous to laugh at our current misfortunes. But sourcing the humor is precisely what we need to do in order to cope. When you are overwhelmed by tragic events, humor is a useful defense mechanism. Time may not enable us to laugh at everything. But, tragedies and humor go together like cashiers and plastic sneeze guards.

When facing adversity such as illness or even death, humor serves as a buffer. In fact, people who think about death are actually funnier. The notion is appropriately called Terror Management Theory. Studies suggest that humor functions as a natural and often effective means of down-regulating stressful or traumatic experiences

Humor is embedded in tragedy, pain and struggle in ways we cannot grasp. And possibly, humor is also what will save us in all this mess. If not, NASA said there’s a 1 in 240 chance that an asteroid the size of a small car will hit Earth the night before the election

**Anxiety Disclaimer: Don’t worry. Asteroids of this size burn-up in the atmosphere long before they hit our ground. This won’t be the thing that does us in.

There is No “New Normal” Because There Was Never a “Normal.”

If you were to ask the general public what specific outbreak might wreak mayhem within our lifetimes, you’d likely hear Flu, locusts, boils, frogs, politicians or something similar from social media prophetics or the Book of Revelations.

Even when news of another coronavirus hit, it was in a far away land impacting only “other peoples.” It would seem hyperbole that cruise ships would become the vector ferrying tiny, spiky, murder spheres to our own shores.

Our sole defense was keeping the potentially contagious temporarily adrift on floating petri dishes, while enjoying 24-hour buffets and sequined ABBA and NSYNC cover bands.

But we’d soon be worried over parents, grandparents, and ourselves as we came face-to-face with our vulnerability and the inter-connectedness of our Planet. Moreover, we realized that nothing was ever “under control” – an illusion we had believed and subscribed to for a generation. And we became angry at the thin veil through which life was sewn.

Didn’t Someone’s God assure us we’d never be given more than we can handle?

Actually, no. This guarantee isn’t in the Bible, Quran, Torah, Guru Granth Sahib, Vedas, Tripitaka, or Kojiki. It’s a motivational quip we like to keep next to those Live, Love, Laugh prints from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The problem with living such a comfortable existence for so long, is the depth of the fall to a life of discomfort.

Thankfully, we’re buoyed by the frontline workers in healthcare, at nursing homes, behind badges, delivery personnel, pharmacists, grocery employees, and perhaps the most unexpected superheroes: undocumented agriculture workers – without whom we’d lose a vital tier of the food pyramid.

Mid 2020 has seen the indoctrination of millions of newcomers into the anxiety and depression clubs – the steep dues paid with inner chill and peace of mind. Though many of us (i.e., the anxious) have been mentally prepping for a lifetime, we too found ourselves ill-equipped for an epidemic. You can’t train for a contagion that exists only in one’s mind (another reason why worry is a useless endeavor). But suddenly it’s not so weird to clean an apple with a bleach wipe.

Find the humor, find the cure.

It’s always there. This might not be the best time to ponder Dostoyevsky’s Poor Folk or The House of the Dead – though I’m a huge proponent of the man otherwise. A pandemic calls for some light and cheery reading to facilitate levity and laughs. Consider anything from Dave Barry or Augustin Burroughs. And don’t overlook works by other great contributors like Erma Bombeck and Dorothy Parker.

Mark Twain knew it best: “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.” Studies confirm that laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a chemical in the brain that creates a sense of joy. Moreover, humor is clinically validated to reduce stress long-term by improving the immune system through the release of neuropeptides, relieving pain, increasing personal satisfaction, and lessening depression and anxiety. The simple act of smiling causes the brain to release dopamine, which in turn makes us feel happy. But don’t worry about the science. Just YouTube “Sebastian Maniscalco”  or “cat videos” and away you go.

Humor = Calamity + Time.

Humor will change your relationship to the problem of stress, worry, or anxiety. It reduces stigma, promotes wellbeing, helps you to cope with difficult situations, reduces tension, discomfort and stress; and strengthens your immune system. It’s pretty much a miracle elixir.

Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, sourced and used humor as one tactic to survive German concentration camps, and he highlighted humor as ‘another of the soul’s weapons in the fight for self-preservation.’ “The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living,” cited Frankl.

Humor produces endorphins that soothe the body and allows a responsive brain to take charge – like a legal massage somewhere with no blacked-out windows.

There cannot be a “normal” in an unpredictable world. We use terms like “new normal” to instill an element of control over things. Control is an illusion.

But radically accepting the randomness of life, while staying mindful in the present is damn liberating. We don’t like to admit that we actually have little control over anything – especially our own fates – yet we do things that impact our longevity.  You can now observe the rampant OCD taking place nearly everywhere by those not accustomed to proper OCD’ing. For example, shaking hands during Flu season (or otherwise) has always been an archaic practice in the transmission of filth. Have you seen what you do with your hands?! Despite lacking opposable thumbs, even dogs know that sniffing butts is a more hygienic “hello.”

And consider a University of Arizona study revealing that cellphones carry 10 times more bacteria than most toilet seats. Yet we don’t hesitate to pinch zoom a pic when someone hands us their toilet phone.

And, how many times have you eaten birthday cake blown on by someone you didn’t like or barely knew? Well, you might as well have them blow directly into your open mouth. A study in the Journal of Food Research determined that blowing out candles over that sweet, sticky icing resulted in 1,400% more bacteria compared to icing spared the puff (The study was aptly titled “Bacterial Transfer Associated with Blowing Out Candles on a Birthday Cake”).

Black-light most any hotel room and it will look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Hotels will charge $250 for smoking in your room, but you can leave a bodily bio-hazard at no charge. This serves to heighten my perception of hotels as wildly filthy. And do you think the card keys ever get cleaned? I question the entire arrangement altogether. Most of us make that room as cozy as our own, in full denial that few people tip the maids upon checkout.

Hotels are where people go to cut their toenails, trim body hair, or bleed. The mattresses are literal smut sponges. But we gladly pay for the privilege of rubbing our faces into the pillows and bleach-infused towels.

Humor is ever present. You just gotta peek through the dank mental hues of your angst. Sourcing the lighter side of your emotions is vital – particularly when a third of Americans are now showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression.

Covid created a massive wake of anxiety and depression across the globe, along with budding terms like “immunity privileged” and “vaccine nationalism.”

Understandably, as most of us had not incurred a life disruption of this magnitude prior. During the initial stages of the pandemic, I spent most of my time hiding from humanity to avoid the contagion. My sole activity was sterilizing everything I ordered via Instacart and Amazon with disinfectant wipes. I wondered if anyone else was using hospital grade wipes on their organic lettuce.

There are a handful of things I’ve done to maintain internal peace and manage my anxiety during the quarantines and isolation. One of the most vital was distraction afforded by Netflix binges, naturally. But I also read a lot. At any given time during the pandemic, I’ve been concurrently reading five to six books depending on mood.

I also attend live or archived online church and devotional sessions to feel grounded. This is where I learned specific scriptures that also helped carry me through the salty times. Isaiah 41:10-13, Isaiah 53, Psalm 23, Psalm 40:1-3, Psalm 91, and particularly Philippians 4:6-8 were pivotal in smoothing the frays. Memorizing scripture is also a form of meditation. And it helps train the brain for other things – like remembering to brush your teeth or what day it is.

A good chunk of my Covid coping time was spent on building an in-home gym since my fitness center closed. This was exceptionally challenging as millions had the same idea, and every dumbbell, kettlebell, and old-school cement-filled, vinyl prison weight was sold-out everywhere.

Over weeks, I slowly accrued a Frankenstein gym of mismatched heavy things.

I converted my living room into a carpeted fitness studio where I performed calisthenic and plyometric feats of athleticism, such as 3,000 burpees and push-ups per month. I also fast-walked like a soccer mom late to A.A. 25 miles per week. Sadly, my ”nothing succeeds like excess” mindset and compromised shoulders reminded me why my body was made for writing in an ergonomic chair. I was soon too injured from one of the physical endeavors to do anything else, and I had to take two months off. But my anxiety did not.

Anxiety and depression can pique in the absence of coping skills. When we assign value or validity to intrusive thoughts and fears, it’s like mental Miracle-Gro. Talking to a therapist via phone or teletherapy is a measurably effective adjunct tool during stressful times.

There is a little-known dichotomy about mental health issues that makes seeking treatment difficult:

When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. My anxiety doesn’t want me to pay bills until I’m getting hate mail from creditors, fold laundry until I have no room on my bed to sleep, get groceries until I’m down to ramen and a jar of crusted mayo, or wash my car until stranger’s spell profanities on the windows.

 There are two incidences when you should seek out a professional.

  1. If you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, or if you are having passive thoughts about hurting yourself or others (even if you don’t have a plan or any real intent to follow through with these thoughts).
  2. If your symptoms are starting to interfere with your daily life. Such symptoms could include suddenly not getting along with friends or family, difficulty with sleep, problems eating, doing poorly in school or work, or starting to use alcohol or drugs to cope or feel better.
How to choose a therapist

There are many different types of talk therapies available, and many types of therapists to choose from. So which therapy and therapist is right for you? When it comes to treating all mental health issues, especially anxiety or depression, you want to make sure you chose a therapist that uses an approach that is evidence based or empirically validated. This means that they say and do things to treat your symptoms that have been proven by research to be effective. It doesn’t mean watching episodes of Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz.

Client: “What should I do?”
Therapist: “What do you think you should do?”
Client: “Alright then, keep your secrets.”

When choosing a therapist, there’s an array of therapy degrees that include psychiatrists (M.D.), psychologists (PsyD.), and masters level therapists (LCSW, MCSW, etc.). Don’t get hung-up on the pedigree. Just make sure the person is licensed – meaning s/he went to a school that was accredited, received training that was accredited, and have passed both a national and state licensing examination to prove they know what they are talking about.

Equally important, you want to see someone that you like. If you’re going to see a therapist, the type of degree is less important than making sure they are licensed, using techniques that are supported by research, and are someone you can trust and get along with. I personally know some smart but asshole jerk psychologists that shouldn’t be advising anyone on anything, despite their diplomas. Remember who’s paying whom, and hire/fire accordingly.

How long will you need to attend therapy?

The duration of therapy needed is unique for everyone. Many people experience improvement within only a few sessions, while others reap benefits through months or even years of seeing a professional. There’s no commitment required. The goal is simply helping you achieve measurable improvement.

You can also access the “Managing Covid-19 Anxiety” resource page by the reputable Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Just come away from this knowing that you never need to white-knuckle things alone. Your state-of-mind can make it hard to reach-out, which is precisely when you should.

Quarantine and Chill: Keeping Calm in the Age of Pandemic Porn

Covid-19 is the newest, baddest boogeyman we’ve collectively (not) known. And this one is especially surly because it decimates 401k’s while punching grandmas in the lungs.

As a professional worrier with a black-belt in anxiety, a pandemic was far down my “List of Greatest Anxieties;” falling below an incoming asteroid, Celine Dion, or a “Frozen 5” release. The Covid-19 anxiety trigger caught me so off-guard that I was cerebrally stymied – not by the virus – rather people’s reactions to news of the virus. I found myself on the anxiety sidelines watching the Country run amok depleting supermarket shelves then retreating into doomsday bunkers, while I did nothing. Why? Because the world is not going to implode. Even if irresponsible headlines suggest otherwise.

Symptoms of Coronavirus:

  1. Dry cough
  2. Fever
  3. Trouble breathing
  4. Sudden urge to believe the media’s bullshit

We’re familiar with pneumonia and other afflictions like K-pop and the Kardashians, but most of us haven’t had Covid-19. Therein lies our angst. Anxiety is rooted in a fear of the unknown. This pandemic is exacerbated by a “looming vulnerability” as it creeps closer to our own doorstep, while we have no idea to what severity it might afflict us personally – if at all.

This Looming Vulnerability Model – a perception of a growing, rapidly approaching threat – is traced to our evolutionary past. But it’s a dysfunctional perception that affects our thought processing, functioning, emotions, and behavior. It’s what leads us to thinking that to survive, we must stockpile guns, ammo, and ramen. But this isn’t “The Purge: Anarchy” movie. Even the inept powers-that-be know we will continue to need food and provisions.

Price gouging, panic porn, conspiracy theories, and sensationalist media coverage of the outbreak is fueling existing fears, to include a deliberate pandering to xenophobic stereotypes and click-bait exaggerations. Don’t worry – the Stafford Act does not give the president the authority to declare a nationwide lock-down. We should absolutely self-quarantine and follow distancing protocols. But you will continue to have access to the things you need at Trader Joe’s. You won’t be holed-up like Bin Laden in a fortified dugout of couscous and wives.

Predictions of impending apocalypse have been suggested since the first millennium CE. And even Columbus claimed that the world would last only 7000 years as he whipped-up the first batch of candied yams. And, remember when the world was ending at 12:00 am on January 1st, 2000? In the fallout of these foiled dates, we endure. Because hope spreads faster than contagion.

You want to hear a coronavirus joke?
You probably won’t get it.

Like many, my own parents are in the highest-risk group for the virus. My mom has a rare stage-4 cancer and is in the hospital almost weekly. While my dad is a stubborn 80-year old facing down the virus like it was a tiny insurgent blocking his entrance to Costco. I’m quite worried for them both. But I strive to consistently source the humor of this salty new frontier to keep my wits.

Hoarding toilet paper won’t help. This isn’t cholera. Panic buying begets panic buying. But we are not powerless. We actually have a choice in all of this: We can choose to find the upside. It’s actually everywhere if you look closely.

SOME UPSIDES TO ALL THE DOWN…

  • You can poop at home on weekdays.
  • The antivaxxers are unusually quiet.
  • The world is actually cleaner than it’s ever been. Never before did so many scrub so much so often.
  • You have a newfound appreciation of delivery personnel, pet shelter volunteers, therapists, baristas, and nurses.
  • You’ve discovered forms of exercise outside of filthy gyms.
  • FaceTime quarantini happy hours.
  • You’ve learned how to touch your face less with your foul little germ-sticks
  • Marriages will grow stronger as people practice the “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” thing.
  • We now see how small and interconnected we are as a planet.
  • Working remotely will be recognized for its efficiencies, as companies must face the archaic practice of caging people in fabric-lined cubes and feeding them microwaved popcorn.
  • If you’re an introvert, then this is like any other time.
  • You’re going to save on haircuts, mani-pedi’s, and bars because … you’re not going. You will also save on dry-cleaning and laundry since you’re donning the same yoga pants and sweats for days.
  • You’ve stopped worrying about whatever it was you worried about before all of this.

The emerging heroes in the fracas are the supermarket employees who non-judgmentally stock and tally our anxious hoarding; the veterinarians who care for our beloved pets; the pharmacists who fill our prescriptions throughout 24-hour drugstores across America; and the relentless truckers who don’t stop providing a crazed populace food and adult baby wipes. Americans are at their best in times of crisis. And history will reveal that it was the blue collars and blue scrubs that kept the world turning throughout the most anxious time of our lives.

In the meantime, there are some things you can do to harvest your chill.

QUARANTINE “TO-DO” LIST:

  1. Order a bidet from Amazon.
  2. If you smoke or vape, quit. The last thing you want during a respiratory pandemic are tarry lungs.
  3. Start the book you bought 7 years ago.
  4. Learn a new Tik Tok dance. Here are 10 to get you started.
  5. Catch up on your favorite Netflix series.
  6. Learn to be still. This new lifestyle is intended to slow us down for our own good. It’s uncomfortable to not be in control. HINT: We were never in control.
  7. Memorize Psalm 23 or Psalm 46.
  8. Wash your hands like you’re lathering your biggest crush, and their life depended on your thoroughness.
  9. Write thank you emails or letters to people who’ve been kind towards you. Ever.
  10. Be an exemplary human. Check-in on those more vulnerable. It might be your own grandparent, or it might be one you’ll adopt.
  11. Sing along to “We Are the Champions” by Queen, “Firework” by Katy Perry, “Let it Go” from Disney’s “Frozen,” or “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, or “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Diana Ross, or that famous brain worm “I Get Knocked Down” by Tubthumping.
  12. Watch this soothing, live jelly cam or any of these other amazing live cams at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.
  13. Shelters around the globe are in urgent need of help due to the COVID-19 crisis. Donate any amount to the ASPCA. PS: Do NOT pet your animals after using hand sanitizer. It’s toxic for all animals.
  14. Access the “Managing Covid-19 Anxiety” resource page by the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).
  15. The endless great outdoors are perfectly safe and available for your exercise and enjoyment. Continuing with the soothing nautical theme, consider this live Channel Islands kelp cam. or this Yosemite Falls live cam, or the Georgia Aquarium live piranha cam (a fan favorite). *Don’t forget to maximize your screen for this eye candy.*
  16. Sadly, we cannot trust news outlets to stop exploiting our fears. So, get the information you need quickly from trusted sources and move on.

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.   –H.P. Lovecraft

CORONAXIETY: How to Find Your Chill

At home and on social media, you’re an extroverted badass. In public, you’ve likely become an isolationist dodging eye contact and handshakes, with a tendency towards agoraphobia and a general excitement over cancelled plans.

In Australia, major grocers have restricted toilet paper to one pack per person. In Japan, rolls are chained to the wall in public restrooms. And, in Hong Kong, armed robbers recently carried out a heist as supplies were delivered to a supermarket. Hoarding is a natural human reaction in times of high anxiety.

Anxious hoarding makes us feel like we’re doing something, while fulfilling a need for control. Even if only over anal hygiene.

The world is not teetering on the brink of extinction, but a prolific media is relentlessly reporting the a-cough-alypse via HD pessimism and push-notifications to your phone. Covid-19 is not the pandemic of yore. Sure, it’s crafty and loves the limelight, but it’s injury and mortality rates are paltry in comparison to what your predecessors experienced. Consider that The Plague claimed up to 375 million lives across Europe and Asia during the 14th century. While over the past 300 years, there have been three Flu pandemics, including the Spanish Flu, which killed 50 million people worldwide.

What if…?  → Worry  →  Anxiety  →  Demoralization & Exhaustion

To add further perspective, every year sharks kill approximately 10 people, while about 100 die from being stepped on by cows, and 150 by falling coconuts. More people die on their couches watching Shark Week than being eaten by them. We fear the wrong things. It’s the creatures that lurk within our minds that truly invoke fear.

In reality, we should be more concerned with cancer, Lyme Disease and our Sno-Cones for glaciers than Covid-19. But the media is a fickle instigator that loves to trigger us. The coronavirus is their latest attempt to drill fear, anxiety, and panic into our psyches. The current media-fueled paranoia has created a fresh culture of hoarding that simply isn’t commiserate with the reality.

And as a historically anxious guy, I would know. But despite the daily torrent of virus news, I surprise myself at my own response. I have yet to avoid the gym, restaurants, or hotels; nor have I hoarded a single item. One only needs to view my cupboards to spot normally low levels of toilet paper and pinot noir. My pantry looks the same today as it did pre-pandemic; with only a few cans of tuna, stale granola, and no record-setting tubs of peanut butter, Chex Mix, or cases of Fruit Roll-Ups.

Those of us prone to anxiety have been mentally (not physically) prepping for disaster, calamity, and pandemics all of our lives. Anxiety’s muse is worst-case-scenarios. When one actually occurs, we’re in our element. Finally, everyone else has moved into our irrationally dysfunctional lane. Except that most people aren’t career worriers, and they’re doing it all wrong.

By way of example, I have always worn 6 mm thick black nitrile gloves at the gym on each visit. I also have a legacy of using hospital grade Sani-wipes at cafes, hotels, and in rental cars – all while fully cognizant that it’s overkill and likely why I have little immunity to the common cold or telemarketers. But I finally have justification for my compulsions, and look less crazy to the newly anxious.

The media loves to scare us – whether about pathogens thriving in our kitchen sponge, or the carcinogens in our mattress.

I see online images of barren store shelves, and hear tales of people having to wipe themselves with socks because Cottonelle is now a controlled substance. Somehow, I’m still not attending the Costco Fight Clubs or subscribing to the mania. If I can source my inner-ohm, so can you.

My recent chill can also be attributed to the serenity I witness whenever I enter a local Safeway, CVS, or Trader Joe’s, despite the fact that I live in the town of the first Covid-19 death in the U.S. Yet, shelves are stocked, terror is absent, respirators are not adorned, and society here is humming along in absence of mass chaos. In the past week, I’ve experienced the same palpable calm throughout the San Francisco Bay Area all the way south to Los Angeles.

Taking precautions is sound practice. But thieving Starbucks napkins and one-ply toilet paper from gas stations is unhealthy paranoia. Fortunately, normalcy is contagious. But so is fear. The anxiety seed-planting by the media is the biggest contagion of all. It’s reckless of news outlets to create a culture of fear through biased reporting, thereby sustaining an anxiety continuum that frays our nerves.

So, What Can You Do to Keep Your Cool?

1. GO ON A BRAIN DIET. The antidote to feeling better in a world seemingly gone mad is as simple as limiting your media consumption. You can’t control the turmoil, but you can dramatically limit your exposure and counter the negative with some positives like Upworthy, The Good News Network, and YouTube cat videos. You may like being up to date on news, but at what cost to your internal peace? Make a media exposure limit and stick to it.

2. FIND THE HUMOR. IT’S THERE. Anxiety and humor cannot coexist – sort of like Clark Kent and Superman, or humidity and good hair. Using humor in trying times causes a mental and emotional shift that yields a new perspective in approaching difficult situations. And, it does all this without drugs or booze, so you can relish the healing properties of laughter at work or while operating equipment – like a lathe or wet screed. And, phrases like “social distancing,” “let’s board a cruise ship,” and “trust your government” can be funny.

3. FORGET NIHILISM – RADICALLY ACCEPT THE MOMENT. In shocking times, our brains shift to a self-preserving form of denial where the logic-loving prefrontal cortex can shut down. This allows the amygdala – the blaring alarm system part of the brain – to take over. Freedom from suffering requires acceptance from deep within us of ‘what is.’ Let yourself go completely with what is. Stay rooted in the moment (aka, mindfulness). Acceptance is your only way out and through. But it requires an internal commitment – not once, but over and over.

4. CRACK A (HALF) SMILE. A half-smile is slightly turned-up lips with a relaxed face – like a celebrity DUI mugshot. This tactic is proven to be effective in turning around cycles of negative moods and depressive episodes. Because emotions are a combination of thoughts, sensations, and behaviors, changing just one of these components can result in significantly altering the course of the emotion. You will instantly signal to the brain a feeling of levity despite your serial killer smirk.

5. THROW A COUNTER-PUNCH. Do not give in to what anxiety is driving you to do. Whatever it is that counters the anxiety, do it. Each time you parry your fear, you are “rewiring” your brain and weakening anxiety’s hold on you. No one overcomes anxiety who consistently avoids. When it comes to quelling Coronavirus anxiety, facing your fear is key. While avoidance may make you feel better in the short-term, it prevents you from learning that this virus is not as scary or crushing as you think.

6. WALK IT OFF. Movement facilitates a healthier mental and physical state despite whatever else is going on. No matter the existing threat, your body and immune system will be improved through exercise, allowing you to better manage anything from a pandemic to a bunion. Take it one step at a time. Drive to the gym or trail-head. Then walk away from your car, and don’t return till you’re bejeweled in the sweaty sequins of health and achievement.

7. STAY OFF ANY BOAT LARGE ENOUGH TO HOST A BUFFET OR JIMMY BUFFET. At least for now.

What you think will destroy you probably won’t. If you’re still anxious, you can print this article for toiletry.

For additional Covid-19 specific anxiety, visit THESE helpful resources from the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Coronavirus, Cancers, Caucuses, and the “Perspective” Cure…

None of it is as bad as it seems.

Q: What travels faster than the speed of light?
A: Bad news.

In a clinical study, 85% of what subjects worried about never occurred. Of the 15% that materialized, 79% of subjects discovered they could handle it well. The universe is on your side. But studies can be boring, and as Mark Twain is said to have said (he was said to have said a lot of things), “I’ve experienced many terrible things in my life, only a few of which actually happened.”

It seems that whenever I’ve experienced a hardy setback, it has occurred along with one or two other scrotal-kicks. For example, I concurrently went through my worst breakup at the same time as a 10th major shoulder surgery. I hit my low during that phase while sitting on my linoleum kitchen floor in a sling unable to tie my shoes with one hand. And, because I don’t yet wear Velcro shoes. I never felt so alone than in that moment, and I soon broke-down sobbing because I missed my ex and a practical arm.

The benefit to hitting rock bottom is that you can rebound. But, I was a medicine ball.

People often say, “bad things occur in three’s.” Bullshit. Good, bad, and neutral things occur in ones, threes, eights, and tens. There are no inevitable groupings. This is another instance where humans seek patterns – in this case quantifiable – to feel an element of control. No one suffering a divorce or layoff also wants to be scanning the vista for the other two predictable setbacks of the “bad things come in threes triad” hurtling towards them at the speed of fate.

But, so goes the wholly subversive aura of hearing bad news. It can permeate every cell in a cataclysmic upheaval of the sanities until you are reduced to basic survival with only the bleakest disposition left to guide you. It’s not uncommon to feel like you will lose everything – no matter the gravity of the situation, while what’s left won’t matter. This is why the notion of “perspective” is so crucial. Think of perspective as the measuring stick by which everything in your life is gauged, and whereby you determine the relativeness of anything against the ‘grand scheme’ of things.

Illustrations by Peter L. Brown

Receiving bad news is always an unsettling event. But, is it getting caressed by your cellie while wrongly incarcerated for  car masturbating in a school zone crappy? Of course not. Therein lies the indispensable potency of perspective.

There’s no disputing that a negative outcome sucks. But, measured against an episode of “Live PD” it often feels somewhat paltry. Just keep it appropriately stack-ranked against the litany of potentialities.

We tend to lose all perspective when life gets tough. Don’t give it anymore mojo than it already warrants by promoting it higher on the Wong Baker face pain scale, where “0” is getting dumped by a vegan at your BBQ, and “10” is seeing your spouse on an STD dating site, where s/he adds the caveat of being both HPV and HSV2 positive.

That said, perspective is an acquired benchmark. We measure things against that which we know. Your particular worry or woe may be the single worst incident you’ve encountered thus far. For better or worse, I’ve had a portfolio of colorful events against which to measure. Though, most of them weren’t quite grisly or within recent enough memory to provide a backdrop of genuine appreciation. There’s a statute of limitations on misery and perspective. Thankfully, I had cancer surgery not long ago, followed by regular chemo via catheter to keep me grounded in what truly matters.

This all followed the insight that something was egregiously wrong with me, while staunchly refusing medical testing. It takes copious amounts of denial to discount such an obvious ailment. For an anxious guy, I impressed myself with my ability to deny at such unprecedented levels.

Even though it was an obviously serious malady, I tried to will it away. I told myself it was probably a UTI, cystitis, kidney stones, or one of those asshole Amazonian Candiru fish that swim-up the penis and loiter in the cheap seats. *Though, the diabolical, urea-loving nature of this pest has since been debunked. Nevertheless, I continued to live life in denial as I was peeing out pieces of my insides. I implemented some self-triage in the form of cranberry juice, saw palmetto, and urinary probiotics, hoping I could homeopathically remedy whatever ailed me – unless it was indeed the jilted Candiru. Or, cancer.

As a gender, men avoid most timely medical care. It’s actually a large part of why men die much younger than women.

When I was initially diagnosed, I went through a two week period where I was livid at the unfairness of it all. I had never been a smoker, and I did four hours of hard cardio per week and daily veggie shakes. Meanwhile, people like my own brother shirk all forms of exercise, smoke a pack of Marlboro 100s per day, drink Winston Churchill-levels of whiskey, and eat charred meats.

But, that’s how life plays out. There are thousands of infants who unfairly suffer the consequences of leukemia and terminal illnesses. And, they haven’t been around long enough to chalk-up any bad karma. Life isn’t fair for any of us – which is why it’s fair for all of us. On the upside, I gained much needed, lifelong gratitude and perspective.

The media loves to trigger us. The Coronavirus coverage is their latest attempt to instill fear, anxiety, and panic into our psyches. But, like most other triggers, it lacks perspective. Consider, for example, that in the 2019-2020 season so far, at least 19 million people in the US have gotten the flu and 10,000 people have died from it – including at least 68 children (source: CDC). This is the virus we should be trying to avoid. No contagion spreads like fear. And, the media spreads it like butter so they can sell more ads and anti-anxiety pill commercials. Keeping us anxious is right where they want us.

What you think is going to kill you probably won’t. Whatever will, isn’t even on your radar.

That’s not an invite to immediately determine the source of your future demise. It’s a call to live your life fully. In the now.

This is Why Your Airline Boarding Process is a Pop-Up Circus…

In few other affairs is your life-status so publicly displayed than during the airline boarding process. This is by design. Airlines revel in publicly grading you by airport megaphone. It’s their preferred grandstand to reward or demean customers based on how much you spend with them.

The stress of traveling and the battle cry for the arm rest and window shade begin long before you’re seated. It starts with trying to determine what time to leave for the airport, followed by the wildly inconsistent process of “security” screening. Next is procuring one’s $9 bottle of municipal water to allay the low humidity, desiccating journey. Finally, you face the fire-sale of airline boarding.

All airlines all do the same thing – move people from one place to another via the troposphere. The way in which they begin their process, however, can greatly vary and is most evident in the boarding process.

As soon as the gate attendant blows into a hot mic, people leap to their feet into pole position, blocking all pathways to the jetway ready to blitz the ticket scanner.

There are notable reasons we act like Billy goats during the boarding process, to include the following:

  • Mob Mentality. Research scientists have found that the actions of as few as five people can influence a crowd of 100 to follow suit. Trust your inner oracle and initiate ‘active observer’ status.
  • Competition. We want to be first on and the first off the plane. It often becomes every passenger for him/herself, as if airports and planes are netherworlds where common sense and courtesies don’t apply.
  • Impatience. People crowd the gate under the illusion of getting to their destination faster. The plane doesn’t leave until everyone is on-board. A superior use of time is to find nearby space and do some birthing squats and leg stretches to avoid the onset of DVT.
  • Baggage fees. Ever since the airlines started charging for checked baggage, the boarding process has been more like a Walmart Black Friday than a process conducted by grownups. Planes almost always have enough overhead bin space for every passenger. In fact, newer planes have increased bin space. But they still don’t want you using it.

The airlines have mastered the manipulative art of anxiety seed-planting so you’ll pay a little more to check your bag or opt for earlier boarding. They depend on such fees to remain profitable. The U.S. Department of Transportation’s annual airline baggage fee report found that domestic carriers collected nearly $5 billion in baggage fees in 2018, up from $4.5 billion in 2017 and $1.1 billion a decade ago. They’ll do whatever it takes to scare you into dropping coin.

When you pay that $30 to check a bag or $25 to move up a boarding group, the fees go straight to the airline’s profit margin. While base ticket prices cover only operating costs (i.e., fuel, salaries, maintenance, etc. After making you feel lucky to get on their plane at all, airlines will ease your angst by selling an Economy ticket holder Priority Boarding for $15 and up. How selfless.

To maximize profits, airlines create the illusion of grossly limited bin space, while continuing to splice boarding groups into thinner stratifications. You board according to your value to the airline, with the last group boarding at a bargain price in exchange for a willingness to be degraded.

You must only consider the 10 tiers of the Delta Airlines boarding process as a depiction of the psychological game you’ve entered:

1. Pre-Boarding.

Reverence to this esteemed group for their sacrifices – whether in battle with enemies overseas, with unruly toddlers on the home front, or because they’ve been injured or debilitated along life’s way. No one can hate on a pre-boarder. Unless, they’re faking it to avoid the stigma of #9 below.

2. Delta One®

Like most of the groups in this boarding sequence, it’s unclear what these terms even mean – but, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Delta One® is the Illuminati of boarding groups. The only way into this stratum is to kill and assume the traveling victim’s identity.

3 & 4. First Class – OR – Delta Premium Select

Ah, a group where you may know someone who knows someone. It’s fancy like the others. But, it’s an extravagance that only the 1% or some lucky voyager of an oversold flight can aspire to.

5. Delta Comfort+®

It’s true, the birthright of comfort has been filched from us and monetized. “If you want to travel humanely, you’re going to pay.” Sincerely, The Airlines.

6. Sky Priority®

This subset of marquee member designees is a “who’s who” cadre of worldly movers and shakers. If you can’t be one, kindly step aside so they can crush your toes with their carry-on and confidence. If you’re lucky, they’ll apologize like you’re some sort of equal.

7. Main Cabin 1

A bougie collection of explorers who like sitting on the plane longer than others, and later scorn you for kindly asking if that window seat in their row is available, as if you’ve broken into their home to sit on their lap in a recliner. They’re the last lot of semi-elites before the fuselage filler-fruit of overhead bin peckers come nipping at their totes.

8. Main Cabin 2

The fodder of nameless, faceless passengers now trudge toward lap tray nirvana. These are hapless folk who roll onto the jet bridge like the end credits of a sad movie. Airline personnel avoid making eye contact as if they know you barely chipped-in for gas.

9. Main Cabin 3

This is Delta crypto-code for “you’ll be punished for your frugality once the cabin door closes.” Maybe sooner.

10. Basic Economy

These are my people – the pauper class. You can identify us by the panicked craning of necks toward airport windows to see if the plane is still there. We our further flagged to all by repeated announcements of “Lastly, BASIC ECONOMY and anyone without status or esteem may board.” The terminal feels empty. Our muted shame is palpable.

In order to increase your anxiety and subtly pressure you to pay for priority, the airlines apply these divisions while trading longer boarding times for additional revenue. United boards in six groups, while American and Delta each have 10.

However, because they’ve created so many layers, many early boarding groups are sparsely populated. In the seeming cataclysmic event no bin space is available, your bag will be gate-checked for free, and will likely appear before you do at the other end of the destination airport.

I’m a bag-checker. I like to travel nimble at the risk of landing in Bismarck while my bag lands in Biscayne. It has yet to happen, and I stride onto every flight with only a backpack of books, snacks, Sani-wipes, and the accoutrements to enhance an aerial penance. Truth is, I’ve flown Basic Economy on Delta countless times, on fully-booked flights, and sometimes with a carry-on. I had no issues. The illusion of a gate bag-check is worse than the reality, even if your bag ends-up in a bin rows behind you.

In the future, airlines could be under any array of boarding procedures – to include removing the seats altogether and tethering each passenger to a standing pole.

Airlines have razor thin margins, and they’re crafty at separating us from our money. Which is why they invented turbulence and baggage fees. One thing’s for sure: They will remain profitable, and we will remain uncomfortable.

Now, enjoy THIS parody of the aforementioned.

What to Do If Your Ex Contacts You After You’ve Said Goodbye

Ignoring your ex

How to handle an ex you want to keep in the past when they want to be in your present.

As you read this, there are millions of people across the world suffering from a love-rift somewhere while sending ill-fated texts. Studies show that to the brain, quitting love and heroin are the same. Our brains cannot differentiate another human from smack.

The initial stage of a breakup often includes regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and beguiling emojis in vain attempts to recon the defector, each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within days … or, hours. This phase is rife with the fuzzy logic that there is just the right mix of words and pleading to get you to reconsider.

Why does My Ex Keep Contacting Me?

In short? Denial and the hope for a different outcome. Denial is a coping mechanism that gives us time to adjust to distressing situations. Being in denial gives your mind the opportunity to unconsciously absorb shocking or distressing information at a pace that won’t send you into a psychological tailspin (Mayo Clinic, Denial: When it helps, when it hurts, 2011). When the reality hits that you’ve been dumped, denial is a great tool; as in “If I don’t think about it, then it’s not happening,” or “I can totally fix this, I just need another shot.” A less obvious way denial presents could be as a denial of inner strength: “I can’t handle this sh#t!” The issue with denial as a coping mechanism is that it’s not a long-term solution. Remaining in denial is not healthy, and it’s unnerving to onlookers.

The agony following a broken relationship is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties. Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. It’s also why hot people are crazy. It’s a deterrent for our own safety. But, breakups often include record-setting pleading; a deluge of one-way, restraining-order-level communications; panic that borders on neurosis; and trying to resuscitate the relationship pulse through text and social media.

Exes usually continue to talk because they miss having someone around. It’s old habit to say “goodnight,” or sext on a random weeknight to someone who won’t call the cops.

Now the breakupee stares thunderstruck at a silent phone, willing it to ding with a text from you, while feeling a dreadful void from losing that regular communiqué. If you reply to your late pursuer with anything less than F-bombs and the threat of legal action, it feels great to them. But it’s akin to another hit of heroin for a recovering addict. It will satiate the cravings for a bit, but you’re only resetting their recovery clock while adding to your own stress to keep them from teetering over an imperceptible edge.

What Does the Research Say?

Per a study published in the journal Review of General Psychology, just like the brain is hardwired to fall in love, it also has a mechanism that helps us fall out of love and move along. This is easier for some than others, however. Stalking is not cute, romantic, or funny. And, oftentimes it’s more than, “I was just bored and curious…” Conversely, an “I miss you” doesn’t equal “I want to get back together and adopt Russian toddlers.”

Take solace knowing that your ex’s love longings are quite normal – to an extent. Research eludes to a physiological basis to cravings for an ex. Lucy Brown, Ph.D., Professor in the Department of Neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and her colleagues used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to record the brain activity of adults who had experienced a recent unwanted breakup, and who reported still feeling love for their ex. “Upon viewing brain photographs of their former partners, there was activity in the areas associated with reward and motivation, specifically, the release of dopamine that is also seen in drug addiction. Therefore, people may experience cravings for their ex-partner similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from.”

So, What Can You do About the Uninvited Contact?

In the throes of pain, the shortest route to ending heartache is seemingly with the source. It’s not. It is within us and not with our defector. Consequently, it is not your responsibility to ferry your ex to healing shores. Your takeaway is first to have empathy, followed by impenetrable boundaries and a steadfast “no contact” rule to the benefit of you both. Fully unplug from your ex – including from their social media. Until there’s a methadone for breakups, any reply keeps the dynamic going and prevents you both from moving on with your lives. It also exposes you to further distress, while hindering their emotional recovery and increasing their longing for reconciliation.

Required Steps for Managing an Ex Who Won’t Stop Contacting You:

  1. Stop communicating with your ex unless you share custody of a mini human(s).
  2. Repeat.

If for some reason you cannot block them – like maybe you’re keeping a tally of texts/calls for a judge, or you want your labradoodle back – then change their name in your phone to “Caution,” “Beelzebub,” or “Do Not Answer.” This is not a game; it’s not about punishment or revenge, or to make your ex mad while feeding your own ego. It’s self-care.

Do it for them. Do it for you.

Not everyone loves you enough to leave you alone. If you’re ever going to be friends, it will happen later. Or, never.

 

Breaking-Up Badly: 11 Tips to Avoid Self-Imploding Following A Breakup

“I’m sorry I annoyed you with my unconditional love.”

The early phase of a breakup is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep and an indifference to personal hygiene, all peppered with moments of irrationality.

The exhausted brain loops re-enactments of the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre relationship forensics. You painstakingly dissect past conversations, events and nuances of the bond while cerebrally clawing towards a personal salvage strategy.

You become a pariah to friends and family who look upon you with pursed lips of empathy, while avoiding sustained eye contact or dialogue at the risk of triggering an emotional flare. People make tired comments like, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” “You’re better off,” or “How long were you together?” so they can quickly determine if the number justifies your level of distress.

How long will the pain last? What is considered acceptable by friends … or society? Is the recovery period half the time you were together? No. There is no mystical breakup algorithm to yield your fixed emotional penance. It takes what it takes. And for everyone this is different. Everything you need to heal is already within you. Therein lies your freedom.

The pain of rejection is exacerbated by how we view and treat ourselves after it occurs. But rejection also causes physiological pain with an evolutionary purpose. Back in early times, being rejected by your people meant lone survival and imminent death. Now we have Netflix and DoorDash, and being alone for a period is an underutilized indulgence that too few learn to sit with and relish. Once we do, we glean how truly self-sufficient we are.

But, what does the research say?

Studies suggest that women experience more emotional anguish in the aftermath of a breakup, but it takes men longer to recover. A woman deals with a breakup head-on. By the time a woman is on the backside of a breakup, her ex-boyfriend is just coming to terms with what went down.

And contrary to widely held beliefs, closure is not necessary. Countless people never gain closure yet still move forward and heal. When we are broken-up with, our ability to reconcile who we are is upheaved. But you’re still in there … somewhere. You are whole. And you are grand. Despite what you might be thinking, you never need to know why your ex did anything they did. Your ex was never the reason you thrived.

Soulmate is what Satan puts in his coffee.

From an evolutionary perspective, if we were meant to be with only one person on Earth, society would collapse. You did not lose your soulmate. You can look for one of your other soulmates later. For now, any search for external breakup remedies and relief is rooted in a desire to short-circuit the recovery process. If evolution didn’t insert some physiological checks and balances in the form of heartache, we’d hook-up with the next thing in an Armani suit or Lululemon’s.

For those lacking breakup survival skills, the symptoms and manifestations associated with a breakup are measurably more self-defeating. So, here are some proven tactics to hasten your heal:

1. Don’t press “rewind” when you should hit “delete.”

Do not sleep with him/her one more time in the hope it will usher you back to better times. Delete your ex’s number from your phone — even if you have it memorized. Of all the things we lose during a breakup, keeping the locus of control is the most important and often ignored. The easiest way to control your current moods and keep your power is to not contact your ex.

2. Therapist? You mean bartender?

A breakup can lead to depression, isolation, self-accusation, or worse. You don’t always need to make grief clinical, but it’s imperative to know when to seek outside professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning — including sleep.

3. Only the strong forgive. 

Forgiveness is simply giving up the hope for a different past. They may not deserve your forgiveness; but you deserve peace. It’s about letting go of the outcome, rather than condoning any actions by someone whom inflicted the pain. Forgiveness takes only one person: You.

4. The power of three gratitudes. 

Not only does gratitude increase how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly deprives the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so badly. There is omnipotence in gratitude. Focus on three gratitudes daily, no matter how small.

5. Exorcise all relationship mementos.

Emails, toothbrushes, photos, texts, his Apple Watch, etc. and change all venues you frequented together, such as bars, cafes, Urban Outfitters, etc. You could use the change of scenery, while avoiding needless reminders of his love for salmon shorts and craft brews.

6. The quickest way over one is not under another. 

Rebounding is a brief distractor that invariably turns into sound-boarding your ex’s name and shortcomings onto some naked app prey beside this woeful version of you. A rebound won’t help you with healthy, long-term objectives. What will? Work with being solo for a bit to achieve self-improvement, reflection, and a righteous comeback.

7. But, veggies taste like dirt and sadness. 

To counter the melancholic feelings inherent to any breakup, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, exercise, and eat right. Wean off the Pinot Gris and cookie dough and get some nutrients. Studies have shown that foods can directly influence the brain’s neurotransmitter systems that are related to mood. (Hopf, 2010).

8. Better than an FWB is a BuB. 

“He’s only ignoring my texts because I haven’t sent enough.” Utilize the exceptionally helpful camaraderie of a Breakup Buddy (BuB) to remediate poor decisions when reacting from emotions. These are dangerous moments of relapse; hence, the importance of someone who will think for you until logic is reengaged. Refer to them often.

9. Tweak small behaviors to dramatically shift moods. 

If you change small post-breakup behaviors, it will change your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is paramount in helping you to feel less anxious, worried, depressed, or experiencing an intolerance of uncertainty following a split. For example, if you do the opposite of what your emotions are driving you to do — such as checking-out their social media or driving by their residence — your anxiety, worry, and pain will subside.

10. “Cowabunga, dude(tte)!”

Ride those thought waves. The technique of urge-surfing involves riding an emotional wave and not responding to any part of it, but letting it swell and then wane. This is an extremely helpful tactic to use in dealing with the impulsivity associated with a breakup, because you are observing your emotions, rather than acting on them. And this prevents regretful actions.

11. Cuddle the friendliest ghost of all. 

“Just gonna send him a message … Aaaaaaaannnnnd I’m blocked.” Going ghost is one of the most sagacious devices for self-preservation. Most breakup sufferers greatly add to their angst by not following this one, basic tenet. If you’re going to be friends with your ex, it’ll happen organically and only when you’re long over them. If you must see your ex, keep it cool and make it fast. Otherwise, ignore them so hard they doubt their own existence.

“Frankie says, relapse.”

A final note: Breakup recovery isn’t linear, but more a game of Chutes ‘n Ladders. Reverting and plateauing are common throughout the entire process. Healing is rarely direct in movement, but setbacks are temporary and short-term. You may feel stuck at the same level of muck for two weeks, only to suddenly leap forward in your progress out of nowhere. Your adherence to tactics such as the aforementioned will accelerate your imminent return to baller status.