State of Anxiety

Providing humorous perspective during & after a breakup or divorce

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Breakup Advice: Emotion regulation

Are there "good" vs. "bad" emotions??

Are there “good” vs. “bad” emotions??

It’s a little known fact that there is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. I think this is a good place to start, especially since we tend to “feel bad” about “feeling bad.” Don’t.

Emotions simply are what they are; we just attach a good or bad label to them after we experience them. There are plenty of reasons why we do this: Societal messages, religion, family values, pharmaceutical commercials, our efforts to try and make sense of this world, etc… Plus the obvious that it’s natural to think feeling happy is good and feeling sad is bad. I’m not trying to rally against these reasons; I’m just saying there are reasons why we do this.

The idea that emotions are neither “good” nor “bad” blew my mind the first time I had to think about it – as it was such an engrained concept. But the fish does not know it’s swimming in water. It’s sometimes easier to think of things in extremes. Consider a really “bad” emotion:  Hopelessness. This has to be one of the most painful emotions a person can experience. It implies a consistent, never ending dread with a sense of “I can’t believe I have to drag my carcass through another day.”

My point is that hopelessness, in and of itself, isn’t a “bad” feeling. It’s just a feeling. We certainly do not want to experience it, but saying to yourself that feeling hopeless is “bad” is like saying it’s “bad” to feel the rain on your face (Linehan). You have no control over the touch receptors on your skin just like you have no control over the limbic system in your brain that facilitates your initial emotions. You’re blaming yourself for something you have zero control over, which is not the most helpful method to recover.

What you do have control over is how you respond to these emotions… And, that starts with recognizing that they are neither good nor bad.

– Tom

Breakup advice you need. Now.

Breakup without breaking down

State of Anxiety is a website dedicated to helping you through a breakup in an unprecedented manner. It’s practical breakup advice and humor unlike any other – and, with huge results. If you’ve already done an Internet search and landed here, then you know there are more than a few tons of useless resources out there – especially for women. And, if you’ve been lucky enough in life to dodge a bout of anxiety up till now, a breakup might, unfortunately, end that streak. Everyone suffers from a breakup and the resulting anxiety at one time or another. Anxiety and breakups go together like a colonoscopy during a Justin Bieber concert – in that you never want to experience either – especially both together.

But, a breakup doesn’t mean a breakdown. And, breakup advice doesn’t have to be the banal variety mostly available thus far. Why not tap in to a new breakup recovery paradigm? The worse you are feeling, the more imperative it is to access a unique approach that works quickly to alleviate your pain. How long your breakup anxiety lasts will determine if it’s the problematic type. The duration is what separates the normal from the neurotic. No one knows neurosis like we do. And, neurotic or not, Tom and I will get you through it. Since anxiety is a normal reaction to a breakup, there’s nothing to fear. Anxiety actually helps us deal with a tense situation. Whether it be in the office when someone eats your sandwich from the break room fridge, or keeping you focused during a job interview (at a company where people don’t steal sandwiches). In general, anxiety helps us cope with the swerves of life. Think of it as the fire under your ass that jump-starts you into some sort of action. Sometimes that action is detrimental to your well-being – which is why we’ve brought helmets and breakup advice that’s better than bubble-wrap.

State of Anxiety is both spot-on breakup advice and perspective, and a handy resource that you won’t find anywhere else. This site and the accompanying soon-to-be released book is a lot of uniquely wonderful things – but, it isn’t the status quo breakup advice littering bookstore shelves and online book retailers. Rather, the State of Anxiety website and book provide relief and the, “Hey, I’m not so crazy after all” type of self-reflection sorely needed by the hundreds of millions suffering from a breakup at any given moment. State of Anxiety utilizes humor, heavy doses of introspection, and sound clinical advice as an unconventional approach to the personal chaos of a breakup. State of Anxiety is the first, and maybe the only, website designed to placate pain and anxiety as it chronicles the comical manifestations of a breakup. If you don’t think there is such a thing, read this.

When it comes to breakup advice, clinical studies repeatedly show that laughter heals. According to Discovery News, “The protection apparently comes from endorphins, a complex chemical that helps to transmit messages between neurons but also dulls signals of physical pain and psychological stress.” In addition to humor and the much needed relatability/perspective during a breakup,  State of Anxiety promotes healing while providing a collective identity through a community of like-minded, insightful visitors who learn to quickly navigate a breakup with the precision of a ninja. State of Anxiety is also a checks-and-balances to help determine if what you’re feeling at any point during a breakup is valid, while acting as a healthy distraction to provide levity and  a way through the potential agony. State of Anxiety is the perfect accoutrement and social utility to check-in with peers experiencing similar angst, while taking something positive away. Sometimes, a dose of perspective is all that is needed. But we offer so much more. In doing so, we’ve turned breakup advice on it’s head.

The State of Anxiety website and book are a testament to our dedication and life’s work to getting you through your breakup pain. State of Anxiety is the quintessential source to breaking-up while breaking-out of your mold. When it comes to breakup advice – hang-on tight – things are about to get real …

Breaking-Up Badly

It is common knowledge that breakups are the heart’s equivalent to getting stabbed in the crotch with scissors. To the recipient of walking papers from a relationship, even the brightest, most sunshiny day can feel like a canker sore. And, barring the passage of time, there is no single effective cure for the gut-wrenching angst associated with heartache.

The typical breakup is comprised of a series of standard stages through which everyone progresses in roughly the same manner. However, the “actions” associated with each stage differ for men versus women. The male breakup recovery cycle is largely counter-productive in comparison with the female version – especially if “breakup anxiety” begins – in which case a routine breakup for either sex becomes a case-study in maladaptive social bizarredom. For the anxious individual, the symptoms and manifestations associated with the breakup stages are measurably more self-defeating, sadistic, lengthy, and, oddly – awe inspiring – than that of a split for the less anxious populace. And, though the phases for a breakup involving an anxious person can affect both males and females – it is far less socially acceptable in a man.

This is the primary reason there are so few books available to men regarding breakups. You have to look no further than the breakup book covers and titles to validate this claim: “He’s Just Not That Into You“; “The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy“; and “Breakup Girl to the Rescue“, for example. The list is long, and each cloaked in pink, pastel, and effeminate covers. As general practice men go to bars and strip-clubs, hook-up with a random stranger, stalk their ex, or binge drink upon having a significant relationship terminated. But, once anxiety kicks-in he becomes an emotional crash-test dummy. He is the poster child for Kleenex, alcohol, and anti-depressants. And, he was recently … me.

Post breakup advice from a guy is seldom, if ever, helpful. “Man-therapy” is worthless – unless the man has “LCSW” or “Bartender” following his name. After my very first breakup, my dad bluntly dispensed some advice while we worked on my Dodge pick-up. It was one short, memorable statement he made as he torqued on something important under the hood with some large torquing type of device. In referring to my ex, he said, “Son, there is nothing between her legs that you won’t find between another set – so, move on.” Sage advice. But clearly, my father assumed I was as shallow as my brother, whom rolled through breakups like a pimp with a titanium heart and sealed tear ducts.

There are basically three stages of any breakup. And, the following are how each plays-out for an anxious individual:

Stage I for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Shock & Awe:“
This initial period is accompanied with a false sensation of, “I can totally fix this.“ It is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep, a disregard for personal hygiene, and peppered with moments of irrationality. It is comprised by a sense of defeat that this was the single greatest partner you will ever have, that you will never meet anyone as good, and you will die alone. Sure, you’ve somehow recovered from previous losses, but this one is seemingly insurmountable.

It is within this early state that you believe the resultant heartache will kill you. Your current state of emotions feel worse than had your love interest actually died in a freak bong or hair straightener/White Rain aerosol accident. Had they actually died, you would not be picturing them naked in ritualistic Conquistador-type sex orgies. And, in the instance of their death, you would receive paid time off from work with copious sympathy from colleagues and peers. Not so with breakups. People tire of your incessant whining and ideological droning about times past.

In the campaign to win back the object of your desire, this stage will often include regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and voicemails in futile attempts to recon the defector – while each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within hours. This period is rife with a fuzzy logic that there is just the right combination of words and dire pleading to get them to reconsider. Like reminding them that no one will ever love them the way you do. It is wise to keep a dose or two of Ativan, Xanax, or Klonopin readily available to prevent the inevitable emotional meltdown or impulsive purchase. I took Xanax during a long mountain bike ride after my breakup, and passed-out midway on a remote hillside. And, offering to do everything now that you were unwilling to do while in the relationship is a colossal ‘red-flag.’ To yourself. 

Remedy for Stage I:
If you take away anything from this article, let it be this: Do not ask him/her to sleep with you one more time in  the hope it will somehow woo them back. If you pose this question, you will be denied even a sliver of dignity upon which to rest. It is imperative to limit self-humiliation and to avoid further contact with your ex. An effective technique to implement at this early stage is deleting the object of affection’s number from your phone contacts list. Even better, is turning off the phone and keeping it in the trunk of your car. If, as in my case, the number is permanently etched into your mind from days of deranged dialing, then change the object of affection’s name within your phone to something more appropriate like, “Rotten Crotch,” “Man Whore,” “Patriot’s Fan,” etc. This will limit moments of nostalgia and the certain romanticizing of his/her name.

Perform an exorcism of all relationship mementos: Emails, cards, photos, half-used massage oils, candles, anal beads, concert tees, Tantric Sex guides, etc. Despite how expensive, memorable, or impressively crafted, they must all be discarded. Jewelry is excluded, as it should go directly to a consignment shop, with the resulting cash used on legal massage or facials. I still miss the beautiful desk globe my ex got me for Christmas – but, it looked much better at the bottom of my garbage. My shirts she loved to wear – now used to wipe the mud and bugs off the front of my truck. Her toothbrush – perfect for removing hard-to-reach toilet algae from under the rim. Bath gels, shampoos, lotions, hair clips – all trash. I found that ridding of her hair was the final and most tenacious forensic leftover of which to dispose. I found it everywhere … for months. All over my floors, in the dryer, permanently intertwined in my hair brush, in my sock drawer, adhered to my shower tile, clogging pipes, etc. It’s a wonder she had any hair at all, with a shed-rate of a Wookie.

Change all venues you regularly frequented together, such as gyms, bars, naughty shops, theaters, cafes, Pottery Barn, etc. You could probably use the change of scenery anyhow. And, no matter what month the breakup occurs, it will seem everyone else you know is in a happy, healthy, sexually-charged relationship. Even your ugliest and socially stunted of friends will somehow secure mates during this time, then say asinine things like, “Hey, when you get a new partner let us know so we can double-date.” And, skip rebound dating for now, under the presumption that “The quickest way to get over one, is to get under another.” This is a brief distractor and, invariably, turns into date-therapy and sound-boarding your problems on to some innocent philanthropist kind enough to get naked with this woeful, depressed version of you. Your sole focus is making it to the next phase while limiting any carnage to yourself or some unsuspecting prey from Tinder.

Stage II for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Death-by-Analysis“:
This white-knuckle stage is infused with just enough “What’s wrong with me” self-loathing to completely derail any chance of near-term recovery. Life feels like a vapid waste of time that varies in length, wreaking havoc on the synapses, short circuiting the neurons while your exhausted brain runs endless scenarios trying to solve the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre “CSI” type of relationship re-enactment. You painstakingly dissect every past conversation, event, moment, expression, and nuance of the relationship in futile attempts to plot a reconnaissance and recovery strategy. This insidious period takes hold just as you feel you could not sink any lower, and upon realizing the breakup was probably all your fault and that he/she is really never coming back. 

Each day you awaken yearning for a mere 1% reduction in sorrow and heartache, and more than 4 hours of sleep. I avoided my bedroom entirely and slept on the living room couch for the next two months. My days were spent outdoors and ‘on-the-go’ in an attempt to stay distracted till I was physically spent, then I would down a couple of sleeping pills. I avoided my memory-tainted bedroom altogether. Her aura hung in there like a fat, lazy demon – always looming, while unresponsive to exorcisms. And, oddly, one whom sadistically hid her scrunchies and hair-ties throughout the night for me to find later. Her ghost was a bitch.

Remedy for Stage II:
To counter the morbid feelings inherent to this stage, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, eat right, and exercise. Wean off the liquor and Mylanta, and introduce your body to some calories in the form of broth, dry toast, and perhaps graduate to an actual fruit smoothie. And, wash it all down with some heavy metal. Because no matter when you breakup, you will hear only dismal love songs to feed your angst. Richard Marx, Air Supply, The Commodores, John Waite and the grocery store Muzak play-list all conspire against your recovery. There is often no mental escape except the solace brought on by the death metal genre. You won’t find any power ballads on the Sirius Heavy Metal-XL 40 channel. Embrace your inner head-banger and savor some Goatwhore, Hatesphere, or Napalm Death. Sure, it feels a tad Satanic and insubordinate at first. But, this audio ecstasy greatly facilitated my own recovery. And, rather than sulking into the lump of moist waste that John Mayer and Maroon 5 will produce, death metal will usher you to the “healthy” angry stage of a breakup. 

If you haven’t done so, stop sending flowers and/or gifts and recoup some losses – like your self-esteem. No more idealizing, and begin reducing your love interest’s grandiosity by radically accepting things for what they are. Friends usually have your best interests in mind, and make convincing liars regarding how much better off you are. In my case, however, male friends only added to the distress by stating that my ex was doing some other guy at random moments – and, probably – multiple guys. And, even though she was not sexually adventurous with me, she is certainly now an amateur porn star, while pulling ecstasy-induced all-night sexcapades. She was a former gymnast after all. In my mind, she made the “Kama Sutra” read like a beginners wall chart to yoga. 

Retail therapy often helps women within this state-of-mind regain some self assuredness. Many spare no expense when purchasing their way into temporary bliss. New clothes are not as cathartic or therapeutic for an emotionally wounded straight man, however. Retail therapy for a guy means a muscle car or a new truck with thousands in aftermarket modifications, followed by a serious bout of “buyer’s remorse.” This is precisely how I acquired a $65,000 lifted, customized 4×4 truck. The high lasted about 40 hours until I had to fill the gas tank for the first time. 

The Final Stage (III) for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Reattaching Genetalia“
Congratulations! You are beginning to feel some emancipation from your emotional purgatory. You do not feel as physically repulsive as before, and you have some real marketability to leverage since giving-up the pastime of wallowing in anger and self-defeat. Thankfully, the visceral imagery has stopped, and no longer do you mull over your ex every minute of each day. You have even moderately accepted that, depending on your ex’s “promiscuity index,” he/she has been naked with someone you despise. Somewhat unsettling to know, but no longer a deathblow. And, you can watch as the season changes and know that you are not going to perish from a bleeding heart. On the upside, you’ve even lost enough weight to rock those skinny jeans. 

Perhaps the best part of this phase is that you have stopped idealizing the relationship and see it for what it was: A two-party ‘shitshow.’ Use this time to accelerate gaining distance from the person and the past. It really is okay that your supposed “perfect” relationship is irretrievable. It’s a delusion that if you had back, would end in the same twisted wreckage. You may even consider going on a date and not verbally vomiting the name of your ex. What’s important is that you get out there and take some swings, jabs, cracks, or whatever your preferred sports analogy. 

Finally, it is important to note that is within this final stage of your recovery that your ex will fortuitously make a reappearance. This assumes you followed the aforementioned recommendations, and their reappearance is not in response to a court subpoena for your criminal stalking trial. The moment your ex senses you have moved on, will be the moment they can’t stand knowing you have. The sick irony, however, is that they will absolutely not contact you prior to you getting over them. Plan for this momentous day by readying yourself for the moral high-ground. Quiet confidence speaks volumes here. There is no need to remind him/her what they lost in you, because this isn’t about you. It’s about their own frail and bruised ego, and the fact they only care that you have managed to somehow prevail in their absence. Sometimes God sends an ex back into your life to see if you’re still stupid.

Remember, “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken.” I read that on a neon pink breakup book cover somewhere …

Breaking-Up Badly: 11 Tips to Avoid Self-Imploding Following A Breakup

“I’m sorry I annoyed you with my unconditional love.”

The early phase of a breakup is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep and an indifference to personal hygiene, all peppered with moments of irrationality.

The exhausted brain loops re-enactments of the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre relationship forensics. You painstakingly dissect past conversations, events and nuances of the bond while cerebrally clawing towards a personal salvage strategy.

You become a pariah to friends and family who look upon you with pursed lips of empathy, while avoiding sustained eye contact or dialogue at the risk of triggering an emotional flare. People make tired comments like, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” “You’re better off,” or “How long were you together?” so they can quickly determine if the number justifies your level of distress.

How long will the pain last? What is considered acceptable by friends … or society? Is the recovery period half the time you were together? No. There is no mystical breakup algorithm to yield your fixed emotional penance. It takes what it takes. And for everyone this is different. Everything you need to heal is already within you. Therein lies your freedom.

The pain of rejection is exacerbated by how we view and treat ourselves after it occurs. But rejection also causes physiological pain with an evolutionary purpose. Back in early times, being rejected by your people meant lone survival and imminent death. Now we have Netflix and DoorDash, and being alone for a period is an underutilized indulgence that too few learn to sit with and relish. Once we do, we glean how truly self-sufficient we are.

But, what does the research say?

Studies suggest that women experience more emotional anguish in the aftermath of a breakup, but it takes men longer to recover. A woman deals with a breakup head-on. By the time a woman is on the backside of a breakup, her ex-boyfriend is just coming to terms with what went down.

And contrary to widely held beliefs, closure is not necessary. Countless people never gain closure yet still move forward and heal. When we are broken-up with, our ability to reconcile who we are is upheaved. But you’re still in there … somewhere. You are whole. And you are grand. Despite what you might be thinking, you never need to know why your ex did anything they did. Your ex was never the reason you thrived.

Soulmate is what Satan puts in his coffee.

From an evolutionary perspective, if we were meant to be with only one person on Earth, society would collapse. You did not lose your soulmate. You can look for one of your other soulmates later. For now, any search for external breakup remedies and relief is rooted in a desire to short-circuit the recovery process. If evolution didn’t insert some physiological checks and balances in the form of heartache, we’d hook-up with the next thing in an Armani suit or Lululemon’s.

For those lacking breakup survival skills, the symptoms and manifestations associated with a breakup are measurably more self-defeating. So, here are some proven tactics to hasten your heal:

1. Don’t press “rewind” when you should hit “delete.”

Do not sleep with him/her one more time in the hope it will usher you back to better times. Delete your ex’s number from your phone — even if you have it memorized. Of all the things we lose during a breakup, keeping the locus of control is the most important and often ignored. The easiest way to control your current moods and keep your power is to not contact your ex.

2. Therapist? You mean bartender?

A breakup can lead to depression, isolation, self-accusation, or worse. You don’t always need to make grief clinical, but it’s imperative to know when to seek outside professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning — including sleep.

3. Only the strong forgive. 

Forgiveness is simply giving up the hope for a different past. They may not deserve your forgiveness; but you deserve peace. It’s about letting go of the outcome, rather than condoning any actions by someone whom inflicted the pain. Forgiveness takes only one person: You.

4. The power of three gratitudes. 

Not only does gratitude increase how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly deprives the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so badly. There is omnipotence in gratitude. Focus on three gratitudes daily, no matter how small.

5. Exorcise all relationship mementos.

Emails, toothbrushes, photos, texts, his Apple Watch, etc. and change all venues you frequented together, such as bars, cafes, Urban Outfitters, etc. You could use the change of scenery, while avoiding needless reminders of his love for salmon shorts and craft brews.

6. The quickest way over one is not under another. 

Rebounding is a brief distractor that invariably turns into sound-boarding your ex’s name and shortcomings onto some naked app prey beside this woeful version of you. A rebound won’t help you with healthy, long-term objectives. What will? Work with being solo for a bit to achieve self-improvement, reflection, and a righteous comeback.

7. But, veggies taste like dirt and sadness. 

To counter the melancholic feelings inherent to any breakup, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, exercise, and eat right. Wean off the Pinot Gris and cookie dough and get some nutrients. Studies have shown that foods can directly influence the brain’s neurotransmitter systems that are related to mood. (Hopf, 2010).

8. Better than an FWB is a BuB. 

“He’s only ignoring my texts because I haven’t sent enough.” Utilize the exceptionally helpful camaraderie of a Breakup Buddy (BuB) to remediate poor decisions when reacting from emotions. These are dangerous moments of relapse; hence, the importance of someone who will think for you until logic is reengaged. Refer to them often.

9. Tweak small behaviors to dramatically shift moods. 

If you change small post-breakup behaviors, it will change your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is paramount in helping you to feel less anxious, worried, depressed, or experiencing an intolerance of uncertainty following a split. For example, if you do the opposite of what your emotions are driving you to do — such as checking-out their social media or driving by their residence — your anxiety, worry, and pain will subside.

10. “Cowabunga, dude(tte)!”

Ride those thought waves. The technique of urge-surfing involves riding an emotional wave and not responding to any part of it, but letting it swell and then wane. This is an extremely helpful tactic to use in dealing with the impulsivity associated with a breakup, because you are observing your emotions, rather than acting on them. And this prevents regretful actions.

11. Cuddle the friendliest ghost of all. 

“Just gonna send him a message … Aaaaaaaannnnnd I’m blocked.” Going ghost is one of the most sagacious devices for self-preservation. Most breakup sufferers greatly add to their angst by not following this one, basic tenet. If you’re going to be friends with your ex, it’ll happen organically and only when you’re long over them. If you must see your ex, keep it cool and make it fast. Otherwise, ignore them so hard they doubt their own existence.

“Frankie says, relapse.”

A final note: Breakup recovery isn’t linear, but more a game of Chutes ‘n Ladders. Reverting and plateauing are common throughout the entire process. Healing is rarely direct in movement, but setbacks are temporary and short-term. You may feel stuck at the same level of muck for two weeks, only to suddenly leap forward in your progress out of nowhere. Your adherence to tactics such as the aforementioned will accelerate your imminent return to baller status.

Conquering Teen Anxiety

In this excerpt from “101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety,” learn the difference between “normal” anxious feelings and those that interfere with daily life

Am I Losing My Mind, or Is This That Anxiety Thing?

Anxiety can make you feel different. As a teen, I never knew why no one else seemed to struggle with life the way I did. And it wouldn’t have mattered what diagnosis or label was put on me because it would not have changed how I felt. Sadly, teenagers can let anxiety steer them through most life decisions. Left untethered, anxiety will drive every choice and action you take.

So how do you know if you’re experiencing anxiety or something more insidious with a Latin name in the Physician’s Desk Reference? The type of anxiety we address in this book is not the healthy, normal varietal that prompts you to get important stuff done, like studying for an exam or running from prom date requests. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Severe anxiety that lasts at least six months is generally considered to be a problem that might benefit from evaluation and treatment.”

Rather than motivating you to act and get things done, anxiety at this level interferes with daily living, activities, and relationships.

The Accoutrement of Depression

Like a salad bar and sneeze guard go together, anxiety and depression disorders are often interlinked. So, don’t berate yourself if you’re feeling depressed on top of everything else. It’s more likely than not to occur. And though signs of depression, anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder have similarities, each requires different treatments right down to medications used. This is why a professional diagnosis is so important in order to obtain the correct treatment regimen. Having anxiety doesn’t have the social stigma it once did. It just means you’re really living.

But, there is a little-known dichotomy about anxiety that makes seeking treatment difficult: When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. Anxiety is a narcissist that wants you to focus on … anxiety. Anxiety will cloud your mind and fill your consciousness with a perverse volume of thoughts, noise, feelings, and stressors that have no validity. Next thing you know, you’re not turning in homework on time, missing chores, and arriving late to work or practice, and everyone’s wondering why you can’t get your act or matching socks together. If they saw the thought carnival in your mind, they’d surely understand.

No medication will cure anxiety. Medication treats the symptoms of anxiety.

Every case of anxiety is unique. Unfortunately, many anxiety sufferers use prescription medication when therapy, exercise, or self-help strategies such as those taught here would work just as well – if not better – because they are actual skills with no side effects. Therapy and skills usage include development of the necessary tools to beat anxiety.

The goal we’d like you to adopt from this book is not to remove anxiety, but to bring it down to more manageable levels. That means working with it directly, in a nonjudgmental way, and not avoiding it or thinking it’s bad or weak that you feel this way. We’ll talk specifically about how to do this in the book.

For more on 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety click here.

How do You Know if You’re Depressed or Just Sad?

You might think you’re feeling lazy or unmotivated, but here are the signs that it’s something more serious

Is your two-day, Netflix binge of “Black Mirror” and “Stranger Things” a bout of laziness and apathy, a case of “the melancholies,” or … clinical depression?

Maybe you think you’re depressed, or you’re just using depression as an excuse to be lethargic – only to realize this itself might be a symptom of depression. It’s tough trying to figure-out your head with your own mind, right?

The brain is an organ that can malfunction like any organ. Mental illnesses are illnesses of that organ.

Brain scans show that there is a physical difference between a healthy brain and a sick brain. Telling someone with depression, “You don’t have an issue, it’s all in your head” is as inane as telling someone with diabetes, “You don’t have an issue, it’s all in your pancreas.” Any organ is susceptible to disease or disorder.

When you’re feeling down, it’s imperative to distinguish feelings of sadness versus depression because confusion can lead you to avoid evaluation and treatment of a serious condition. Alternatively, you might overreact to a normal emotional state of sadness.

“And, here’s why the distinction is crucial: If we (or a loved one) are depressed, it has huge implications for our long-term mental health, physical health, and longevity,” says NYC Psychologist and author Dr. Guy Winch. Sadness and apathy are normal emotions. “Sadness is usually triggered by a difficult, hurtful, challenging, or disappointing event, experience, or situation,” says Winch. This also means that when something shifts, or we’ve gotten over the hurt or event, the sadness also wanes.

“Whereas depression is an abnormal emotional state; a mental illness that affects our thinking, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors in pervasive and chronic ways,” says Winch. Depression can occur in absence of any of the triggers that cause sadness. Sadness is about something and depression is about … nothing.

Criteria for Depression

Depression is classified into different types using a book with diagnostic criteria for mental health disorders. Now in its fifth edition, the book is called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders. But, everyone just calls it the DSM-5. Think of it as the owner’s manual for the brain but – like an iPhone user guide – you must make an appointment with an accredited genius to see one.

The DSM-5 outlines the following criterion to make a diagnosis of depression.

Note: These serve only as a guideline. You need to see a mental health professional for a conclusive diagnosis. The individual must be experiencing five or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period, and at least one of the symptoms should be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

  1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
  2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.
  3. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
  4. A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).
  5. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
  6. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
  7. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
  8. Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

To receive a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms must cause the individual clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms must also not be a result of substance abuse or another medical condition. Afterall, a bottomless mimosa brunch or afternoon of beers is enough to spur a days-long depressive spell, as booze and other substances are known depressants.

Anxiety and depression disorders are often interlinked.

“It’s very hard to find patients who are depressed who don’t also have anxiety. It’s equally hard to find people with anxiety that don’t have some depression,” says Charles Goodstein, MD, a professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine. So, don’t berate yourself if you’re feeling anxiety on top of everything else. It’s more likely than not to occur. And though signs of depression, anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder have similarities, each requires different treatments right down to the therapy and medications used. This is why a professional diagnosis is so important to obtain the correct treatment regimen.

A Quick Lesson in Sourcing the “Why” in Your Life…

One of the most poignant examples of suffering and sadness is the story of Viktor Frankl, a physician and psychiatrist who survived four Nazi concentration and death camps, including the infamous Auschwitz. Frankl epitomized the words of Nietzsche: “He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How.” As a prisoner, Frankl kept himself and his hopes alive by a desire to see his wife again and one day teach about man’s quest for meaning.

Sadly, Frankl’s parents, brother, and pregnant wife were killed; but he was able to cope, source the importance of it all, and move forward with a renewed life purpose to include writing one of the most moving and significant books of our time, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl teaches us that “if there is a meaning in life at all, there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an eradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.”

We all face the opportunity to achieve something through our own suffering. Our unique opportunity lies in the way we bear our burden, and in our attitude toward difficulty while pondering our meaning. Make no mistake; you have a decisive and purposeful meaning in this world. For many of us – myself included – it takes suffering and hardship to find it.

We are supposed to feel like we can’t handle things alone sometimes. That’s when we find the grace or help through others. In times when life becomes unmanageable, we must be willing to ask for help and support one another. It’s by design. We can be with one another amid suffering, helping each other bear the weight. Part of life is the realization that sometimes we can’t make it on our own. For some, a spiritual leader is a person to whom you can turn and say, “I have a burden that I cannot bear.” All it takes is walking into a local church, mosque, synagogue, or temple and asking for help.

Live to the point of tears.  -Albert Camus

10 Ways to Support a Loved One with Cancer. From a Son In Remission … with a Mom in Remission.

I currently share the mixed blessing of being in cancer remission with my mom. It’s not genetic; I’m adopted.

I’m remarkably grateful to be in remission with her; but uncertain how as a former athlete I succumbed to a smoker’s cancer diagnosis on my actual birthday. Or, far worse, how my mom was hit with a rare stage IV breast cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I would take her illness on if that were ever an option in my regular fantasy where Hollywood or some omnipotent entity granted me the power to switch maladies.

Being in this unenvied position, I’ve learned that the only thing worse than your own pain is helplessly watching a loved one suffer. The first being mostly physical; the latter crushingly emotional. Yet it does not stop me from trying to will health or strength upon her.

A major stressor faced by many people in their lifetime is a cancer diagnosis. Sadly, cancer patients too commonly cite instances of people they know who never communicated emotional support regarding their illness. While studies show that people do better emotionally in a crisis when they have strong support from family members and friends. However, if one of your friends or loved ones has been diagnosed with cancer you might not know what to say or do to help.

According to a recent study by Katharine J. Head of the Department of Communication Studies at Indiana University-Purdue University “Although adult cancer survivors and their families face unique psychosocial and health-related challenges related to cancer, little is known about how the illness experience of cancer may positively transform their mental, physical, and social well-being following primary treatment.”

Cancer has a way of quickly re-prioritizing life, while teaching a valuable lesson in perspective not otherwise gleaned.

My cancer diagnosis served as the perfect opportunity to “clean house” regarding friends, work, and how I spent my time. Suddenly, I was face-to-face with the regret of how I had been spending my life thus far, and with whom. I quickly removed shallow friends, a girlfriend who drank too much, and even a few family members from my sphere of influence. And, I never looked back.

Actions to support someone recently diagnosed with cancer:

1. Listen and give advice only when asked.

We all want to ease the pain of those we care about. But, dispensing unsolicited advice is one of the worst things to do to those newly diagnosed with cancer. One of the best things you can do, however, is to offer the gift of listening with empathy. Exclaiming to someone that frankincense, CBD, or turmeric can cure their cancer deserves a punch to the larynx. Just don’t.

2. Support their cancer treatment decision. 

We cannot impose our will on others, even in instances of record-level relevancy or as a shared decision-maker. The choice rests with the patient. And, if your loved one asks you to contact medical providers, be sure you have written consent. Privacy laws prohibit health professionals from speaking to relatives – including parents or adult children – without the patient’s permission. As I’ve learned firsthand, you can’t ‘parent your parents.’

3. Be present. 

Even in silence, the mere presence of someone we care for during a difficult time has immediate and lasting benefits. Sit with your loved one during treatment or have lunch with them afterward. Even better if it falls within the oncologist’s dietary recommendations. Your loved one may love sugar – but so do cancer cells.

4. Learn about the cancer and specific treatment plan. 

Cancer Care and other reputable organizations offer educational information and websites regarding cancer, respective treatments, and side effects. Be cautious of your sources or how much you read, however. It’s common to get overwhelmed and frantic – especially regarding prognosis percentages that are overgeneralized and unspecific to your loved one’s case. Internet research is an activity best kept in moderation.

5. Consider the caregiver.

Caregiver burnout and fatigue is a real thing. No matter the relation, this is an often-overlooked premise. Cancer caregivers take on many tasks, often including those formerly held by the recently diagnosed. The caregiver needs care too. Sometimes you need to call on backup in the form of additional family or friends. You can review and receive help at Cancer Caregivers, caregiver resources at the American Cancer Society, or from the National Cancer Institute caregiver support page.

6. Be steadfast.

Those with cancer often experience a discernible drop-off in support from friends and family after the initial diagnosis. Cancer is a long-term disease followed by a longer remission period. It requires more from supporters than a gratuitous slap on the back and “You’ll kick this, buddy!” flaccid approach. This ain’t the Flu. Prepare accordingly.

7. Keep the status quo.

For many people, being able to maintain life pre-cancer diagnosis can boost their sense of mastery over the illness and lessen the life-impact of the disease. Cancer is a silent narcissist best kept small.

8. Don’t be detached if you are long-distance.

Never underestimate the emotional support that comes from regular phone calls or texts. Since you might be too far to prepare food and bring it yourself, perhaps arrange to have meals delivered from a local restaurant or reputable and healthy meal service like Freshly or Hello Fresh. Or, consider ordering groceries online from a local supermarket that delivers. Use vacation time or a holiday weekend and visit with the ill person doing something enjoyable. For them.

9. If you have the means, offer financial assistance.

Cancer can strain finances to the point of financial ruin, and many people are too proud or ashamed to ask for monetary assistance. If you think it’s needed and are able to offer, raise the subject respectfully. Cancer is a selfish money pit. The Cancer Financial Assistance Coalition, Cancer Care, or the resources page via the American Cancer Society can also be of considerable help.

10. Pray.

I don’t care who you call your higher-power, this is the time to send some knee-mails. I regularly lean on prayer, daily gratitude’s, and striving to stay rooted in the moment. Helpful tactics I would not have learned sans cancer.

There is no education like struggle. Suffering is a conduit to empathy and awareness. Adversity yields purpose and refinement in life that can only come from life trials.

There is always an upside or takeaway to every hardship, though it often takes time and distance to source it. In my instance, I am much closer to my parents through our shared experience caring for mom. Adversity also gave me the incentive to leave a dead-end job and relegate my only toxic sibling to the “acquaintance” pool. Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge.

Hug your family and your hardships. They’re trying to tell you something.

 

What to Do If Your Ex Contacts You After You’ve Said Goodbye

Ignoring your ex

How to handle an ex you want to keep in the past when they want to be in your present.

As you read this, there are millions of people across the world suffering from a love-rift somewhere while sending ill-fated texts. Studies show that to the brain, quitting love and heroin are the same. Our brains cannot differentiate another human from smack.

The initial stage of a breakup often includes regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and beguiling emojis in vain attempts to recon the defector, each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within days … or, hours. This phase is rife with the fuzzy logic that there is just the right mix of words and pleading to get you to reconsider.

Why does My Ex Keep Contacting Me?

In short? Denial and the hope for a different outcome. Denial is a coping mechanism that gives us time to adjust to distressing situations. Being in denial gives your mind the opportunity to unconsciously absorb shocking or distressing information at a pace that won’t send you into a psychological tailspin (Mayo Clinic, Denial: When it helps, when it hurts, 2011). When the reality hits that you’ve been dumped, denial is a great tool; as in “If I don’t think about it, then it’s not happening,” or “I can totally fix this, I just need another shot.” A less obvious way denial presents could be as a denial of inner strength: “I can’t handle this sh#t!” The issue with denial as a coping mechanism is that it’s not a long-term solution. Remaining in denial is not healthy, and it’s unnerving to onlookers.

The agony following a broken relationship is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties. Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. It’s also why hot people are crazy. It’s a deterrent for our own safety. But, breakups often include record-setting pleading; a deluge of one-way, restraining-order-level communications; panic that borders on neurosis; and trying to resuscitate the relationship pulse through text and social media.

Exes usually continue to talk because they miss having someone around. It’s old habit to say “goodnight,” or sext on a random weeknight to someone who won’t call the cops.

Now the breakupee stares thunderstruck at a silent phone, willing it to ding with a text from you, while feeling a dreadful void from losing that regular communiqué. If you reply to your late pursuer with anything less than F-bombs and the threat of legal action, it feels great to them. But it’s akin to another hit of heroin for a recovering addict. It will satiate the cravings for a bit, but you’re only resetting their recovery clock while adding to your own stress to keep them from teetering over an imperceptible edge.

What Does the Research Say?

Per a study published in the journal Review of General Psychology, just like the brain is hardwired to fall in love, it also has a mechanism that helps us fall out of love and move along. This is easier for some than others, however. Stalking is not cute, romantic, or funny. And, oftentimes it’s more than, “I was just bored and curious…” Conversely, an “I miss you” doesn’t equal “I want to get back together and adopt Russian toddlers.”

Take solace knowing that your ex’s love longings are quite normal – to an extent. Research eludes to a physiological basis to cravings for an ex. Lucy Brown, Ph.D., Professor in the Department of Neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and her colleagues used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to record the brain activity of adults who had experienced a recent unwanted breakup, and who reported still feeling love for their ex. “Upon viewing brain photographs of their former partners, there was activity in the areas associated with reward and motivation, specifically, the release of dopamine that is also seen in drug addiction. Therefore, people may experience cravings for their ex-partner similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from.”

So, What Can You do About the Uninvited Contact?

In the throes of pain, the shortest route to ending heartache is seemingly with the source. It’s not. It is within us and not with our defector. Consequently, it is not your responsibility to ferry your ex to healing shores. Your takeaway is first to have empathy, followed by impenetrable boundaries and a steadfast “no contact” rule to the benefit of you both. Fully unplug from your ex – including from their social media. Until there’s a methadone for breakups, any reply keeps the dynamic going and prevents you both from moving on with your lives. It also exposes you to further distress, while hindering their emotional recovery and increasing their longing for reconciliation.

Required Steps for Managing an Ex Who Won’t Stop Contacting You:

  1. Stop communicating with your ex unless you share custody of a mini human(s).
  2. Repeat.

If for some reason you cannot block them – like maybe you’re keeping a tally of texts/calls for a judge, or you want your labradoodle back – then change their name in your phone to “Caution,” “Beelzebub,” or “Do Not Answer.” This is not a game; it’s not about punishment or revenge, or to make your ex mad while feeding your own ego. It’s self-care.

Do it for them. Do it for you.

Not everyone loves you enough to leave you alone. If you’re ever going to be friends, it will happen later. Or, never.

 

Why Breakups are Harder Than They Used to Be – Healing the Modern Day Hurt

14 ways to heal your heart in the online era

Why do breakups have to hurt so badly? If we all ran amok and naked-cuddled with those we liked with no consequences, like an episode of Bachelor in Paradise, the world would spin off its axis. There must be some societal checks ‘n balances. Evolutionary biologists conclude that post breakup pain and reflection is required for us to learn from loss. The agony following a breakup is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties.

Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. Think of it as a safety mechanism to protect us from our own wanton desires.   

Develop some empathy and realistic expectations for your breakup recovery. The only way over it, is through it. But, unchecked emotions can lead to despondency and a sense of hopelessness. Feelings of self-blame and even thoughts of self-harm or suicide are not uncommon. Consequently, it is vital to consider professional help. Every person and split are different. We may have handled a prior breakup just fine, while the next one has us clutching our chest and making deals with God.

Breakup and divorce recovery were less grueling when the world was offline. Before social media, breaking-up was a discrete event. A split used to occur when phones were dumb and tethered to a fixed wall. Imagine a time when you answered every call hoping it was your ex calling to make-up, but it was Aunt Edna asking if you wanted ambrosia salad for Sunday brunch.

Now more than ever, we have commoditized ourselves, and have made dating transactional.

Today, a breakup can go down via text sans any emotion or actual interaction. Even worse, they can take the form of a social media post, thereby becoming a spectator affair rife with the trimmings of public comments, crying emojis, and indiscriminate shares, all forever memorialized in the cloud.

For some modern day breakupees, the outing of their emotions publicly online is a frantic form of catharsis. They post colorful block quotes of how independent they are, while deluging us with selfies donning new clothes, bangs, spray tans, sports cars, or posing with any attractive being of the opposite sex, or worse – a flexing gym selfie.

How to Heal Your Breakup Heart Hurt in the Online Era:

The following are techniques to greatly accelerate your rise from cupid’s neglect:

1. Social media is neither social nor media. 

If you post over-the-top or sexy pictures as evidence of your thrilling new life, you are only showing how much you still care. Breaking up with someone includes breaking up with his or her social media. If you skip this fundamental step, you might as well slip on camouflage, squat in the bushes, and ogle through their windows.

2. Alcohol give you bummer-brain.

Alcohol is a depressant that impairs judgment. One does not need a root causal-analysis to see the results that sad-drinking can yield. Alcohol whispers silly things like, “You should totally text him.” Any amount you drink can make you more miserable. It also leads to bad decisions like cereal for dinner, and impulsivity like buying something from the Tiffany’s website or your local Lexus dealership.

3. Do nothing.

Any moment that you want to reach out or take an action that is anything about your ex or trying to get them back – do nothing. Doing nothing ensures that you have nothing to regret. You can’t go wrong if you avoid any action that gets you reengaged with your ex. It’s the smallest tactic with the biggest return. Your panic and desperation to get them back in your life is a crushing desire that lessens each time you don’t try.

4. No ex-sex.

There are endless reasons sexual reunions with your ex are inadvisable. Go on a ‘love fast’ for 30 days to begin dissolving the neurological processes your brain has formed. In a study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that people who use sex to cope with breakup anger and distress, or to get back at their ex may be slower to recover from the breakup.

5. Be “opposite” you.

In the case of a breakup or divorce, the primary “opposite you” is to ‘go ghost.’ If you and your ex have children together, then you will unavoidably need to discuss issues such as welfare and access. However, it is best to keep these interactions to a minimum, and at a McDonald’s Playland just off the freeway. Otherwise, continuing to see your ex prevents you from moving on with your life. It also exposes you to extreme distress and hinders your emotional recovery and an increased longing for reconciliation.

6. Never use one to get over another. 

Rebound relationships are a great way to boost your ego at the expense of someone else’s well-being. Rebound dating is not. If you are hurting, you should be healing, not dating. Reconnect with old friends. They’ll remind you of how epic you were prior to your ex falling from the internet into your arms. A rebound simply postpones healing in a cerebral purgatory.

7. Radically accept.

When faced with a breakup, rather than focusing on how much you want things to be different, try radically accepting the situation as is. Radical acceptance is not the same as liking or condoning. It’s simply accepting what is out of your control to lessen anxiety, anger, and sorrow. Controlling your reaction to what is happening is the only thing over which you have control. In life, you can let go or you can be towed.

8. Be DTF (Down-to-Forgive)

Practice some breakup Alzheimer’s. You’ve been forgiven in life, so pay it forward. And, if you believe you were at fault, forgive yourself not just once, but again and again until you feel peace. Once you accept your flaws and mistakes, no one can use them against you. Truth is, most of us are doing the best we can with the skills we have at any given moment.

9. Soothe thyself.

The goal of breakup self-soothing is to engage as many of the five senses as possible. Consider taking a hike by water or in nature, while paying close attention to the sights, smells, and sounds around you. Or, get a massage somewhere that’s not open 24 hours with blacked-out windows. Go out for a meal or just dessert with a friend if possible. Even when you don’t feel like eating, food goes down much easier under the distraction of conversation.

10. Send a knee-mail. 

I don’t care if you are Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Jewish, or questioning if there’s a God – negotiating a breakup is the perfect time to spend in prayer. Every moment that you are centered in the past or future, you suffer a temporary loss of this life. Prayer keeps you rooted in the now. Add mindfulness meditation training via a meditation phone app or YouTube. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develops, and you become a master of chill.

11. Heartache? Do some comeback cardio. 

Any type of exercise or vigorous activity is an effective means to burn-off the breakup flotsam in your bloodstream. Exercise will cause your muscles to create lactic acid to help counter the change in ph resulting from anxious breathing. Don’t overdo it. If you weren’t an American Ninja Warrior contestant prior, you don’t need to be one now. But you do need to spend time outdoors, get regular sleep, eat right, and move.

12. Designate a BuB (Breakup Buddy).

The breakup recovery process is fraught with pitfalls and regression. It’s counter-intuitive to feel worse while supposedly on the track to healing. One minute might pass where you don’t think of your ex at all. The next you’re chewing-off your bestie’s arm to retrieve your phone and send an ill-advised text. These are dangerous moments of relapse, hence the importance of a “breakup buddy” (aka, BuB). Choose someone empathetic and able to handle the mood swings and random lunacy you will fire at them.

13. Take the write way. 

“Dear, Diary, Today everything sucked…” Research has shown that breakup journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively, and even improve your health by strengthening immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Eventually, you will start to see that you’re a damned rainbow, and your ex was colorblind.

14. Don’t get kick in the nostalgias. 

Nostalgia has a utopian aspect due to the substantial role that imagination plays in it. When reminiscing previous romantic love, past difficulties are often overlooked due to idealization of your ex and the time together. The image in your head that the past looks so perfect is a mirage created by nostalgia. The past holds nothing for you now. Stop looking there.

Constantly thinking about and ruminating on your ex are due to deep sensory memories and an emotional response separate from any truth or reality that you need to be with them. The intensity of these feelings and memories will fade, and your love of other things and people will take over. What you’re reacting to is change and missing the idea of a best pal to chum around with. Distract, stay in the moment, and breathe.

And, don’t worry about your future – it will present itself in all its unexpected glory later, and likely the opposite of whatever you worry it will be.

10 Ways to End a Toxic Relationship (as featured in Prevention Magazine)

Here’s how to say “goodbye to all that” for good.

If you or somebody you know needs help for emotional or physical abuse, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit www.thehotline.org.

A common mistake many of us make is letting people stick around far longer than they deserve. Toxic people would rather stop speaking to you than apologize when they’re wrong. They do not thank you, compliment you, listen to you, or give you credit. Whether a friend, partner, colleague, or family member, toxic people feel entitled to be disrespectful.

“There are many types of toxic relationships such as a controlling or manipulative, negative, self-centered or narcissistic, dishonest, insecure, abusive, blaming or demanding and competitive, and secretive, and dramatic,” says Catherine Jackson, a licensed clinical psychologist and neurotherapist based in Chicago. Understanding what type of toxic relationship you’re in can help you end it in the best way.

1. Recognize that you’re in a toxic relationship.

Fran Walfish, PsyD, a psychotherapist based in Beverly Hills, offers the following nine subtle signs of a toxic relationship:

  1. They exhibit excessively charming and ingratiating behavior.
  2. They use the silent treatment as a means of control.
  3. They force you to mind-read and guess, then act vindictive when you are wrong.
  4. They use “poison delegation” (asking you to do something for them, saying they can’t do it for themselves, but whatever you do is met with harsh criticism).
  5. They constantly correct you.
  6. They lie to you.
  7. They use “projective identification” (the abuser treats you as if you did something wrong, and if you deny it, they confirm your behavior as justification for the accusation).
  8. They use sexual manipulation.
  9. They use denial to convince you their actions are to help you become a better person.

It is common to be in a toxic relationship without even being aware that the relationship is toxic. “In a toxic marriage or romantic relationship, people are often told that the reason their partner is so angry, upset, unloving, or abusive toward them is because of something they did to cause it,” says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, a psychologist based in Denver. It’s similar within a toxic work environment, where your boss will imply or outright state, The reason we are treating you this way is because you are not doing a good enough job. Regarding toxic romantic relationships, a key indicator is the marked difference between how your partner speaks to you in public versus private.

2. Look for patterns from childhood.

The type of toxic relationship that most concerns Carissa Coulston, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Sydney, is the parental bond from childhood that repeats in adulthood. “The effects of your childhood upbringing extend into adult relationships, where you find lovers who fill the void your parents created,” she says. “Maybe, like your parents, they never make you the number one priority, or always leave you feeling like you need to work harder to gain approval.” But, it’s not necessary to return to your parents for approval or reconciliation. “By releasing the past, it is possible for you to alter the way you look at potential partners in a way that enables you to achieve romantic success with a person who empowers you,” says Dr. Coulston.

3. Prepare your finances.

“Many relationships that are toxic, including with family, remain toxic because of financial control,” says Mary Joye, LMHC, a psychotherapist and counselor based in Florida. “Family members have less control over those who have their own independence financially and in all aspects of their life.” So, if that means you have to spend a couple months or even a year getting your financials in shape before cutting off contact, put your initial energy toward achieving that goal.

4. Seek outside help.

“It often takes an outside perspective of a therapist, coach, or insightful friend to help someone understand that they are not actually at fault,” says Dr. Bobby. If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship, the best thing you can do is to find healthy, supportive relationships with other people to help strengthen you, shift away from blaming yourself, and help you start planning your escape strategy.” This premise is reinforced by Dr. Coulston, who emphasizes that, “an appropriate professional, such as a clinical psychologist, can help you learn how to challenge and re-shape your unhealthy core beliefs.”

5. Speak up for yourself.

Many of us ignore adverse behaviors simply to avoid confrontation, or because using reason and rationale with someone irrational can prove futile. Speak up confidently and say that you do not condone the disrespect directed toward you—particularly in instances of verbal abuse or physical abuse. In such situations, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author based in California, recommends using a quick comment and an exit from the situation such as: “I feel hurt when you swear at me. I’m leaving the party now and hope that next time you will talk kindly to me.” Dr. Manly adds, “We can’t change the toxic people into non-toxic people, but we can work on being less reactive.”

6. Create boundaries, and stick to them.

Setting boundaries isn’t rude—it’s an act of self-care. “Most toxic people derive their influence because they prey on the difficulty that kind people have in setting boundaries,” says Forrest Talley, PhD, at Invictus Psychological Services. To start, Sherianna Boyle, MEd CAGS, an adjunct professor of psychology at Cape Cod Community College, recommends putting verbal limits in place. “For example, rather than allow a person to extensively vent their problems or opinions while you attempt to work, let them know you are not available right now.” And no, family isn’t an exception. “Never assume that just because someone is family they are allowed to mistreat you,” says Karin R. Lawson PsyD, a psychologist based in Miami. “All relationships need boundaries, which is the line you get to draw in each relationship you have.”

7. Do a digital detox.

You’ll need to manage your social media relationship with the person, too. We often fear unfriending or blocking toxic people on social media because of potential backlash. But sometimes, that’s what it takes. “You may want to make a clean break by quickly stating things are over and removing them from your social media and having no further contact with them,” says Dr. Jackson. If you’re not ready to remove someone from social media completely, you still have privacy options such as unfollowing or muting, and they never have to know.

Setting boundaries isn’t rude. It’s an act of self-care.

8. Prepare for the counterstrike.

When it’s clear to a toxic person that you’re distancing yourself from them or cutting off the relationship, they may try to “punish” you by avoidance, or they will redouble their efforts to keep the dynamic going. But you have to stick to your guns. “If you deviate from this role of the patient, boundary-less being that the toxic subject needs you to be (aka, you have needs, rights, feelings, boundaries or opinions that are not gratifying to the toxic person) you are punished,” says Dr. Bobby. Stay resolute in plans to extricate yourself.

9. If you can’t break ties, limit contact.

There are circumstances that require people to remain connected to a toxic person, like toxic coworkers, a narcissistic boss, or sharing custody of children with a toxic ex. Or, “they may choose to remain married to a toxic spouse in order to protect their children from having to endure the toxic relationship alone were they to split custody,” says Dr. Bobby. In such cases, it’s best to minimize the toxic person’s access to you and their ability to affect you. She adds that, “understanding that you will never feel loved or supported by them and that they are not emotionally safe people (and never will be) can be liberating in that you stop feeling upset or hurt when they behave the way they do.”

10. Try the Gray Rock Method.

“If you have to be around the abuser, try to stay neutral and unemotional,” says Christine Scott-Hudson, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in California. “Abusers thrive on intensity, so making yourself as boring and uninteresting as possible can be a protective measure.” Nadene van der Linden, a clinical psychologist based in Australia, calls this response the Gray Rock Method. The idea is that you keep your head down and blend into your setting—like a gray rock. The toxic person will move on to someone else to get what they need instead.

is the creator and co-author of 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety and the forthcoming In Case of Anxiety… Anxiety Hacks for a Janky World.

12 Ways for Parents to Effectively Manage the Top Teen Mental Health Concerns

Here are today’s most searched mental health questions surrounding teens, and how to help

Mental health issues can make teens feel vastly different than their peers. And not in a cool way, like having a cloak of invisibility or being able to down an extra-large pizza in one sitting; rather, having the powers of hypervigilance and social awkwardness. Sadly, they can let such disorders steer them through most life decisions. Left untethered, things like anxiety and depression will drive every choice and action they take.

Signs of a mental health condition

The signs of a mental health disorder will differ from person to person but can include any of the following: mood changes; irritability; loss of concentration; withdrawal from friends and social engagements; irrational or hostile behaviors; poor hygiene and lack of self-care; changes in diet; and changes in sleep patterns. There are common factors that can worsen mental health disorders such as not adhering to medication protocols, drug and alcohol abuse, lack of sleep, loneliness, health issues, and academic stress.

Paradoxically, mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression have been linked to early drug use. Many people with anxiety try to make themselves feel better with drugs or alcohol. And teen users are at significantly higher risk of developing an addictive disorder compared to adults, and the earlier they begin using, the higher their risk. Being aware of your teen’s predisposition for substance use and abuse, can head off budding disaster.

Top internet searches about teen mental health

Teen life struggles are exacerbated by the enigmatic teen brain which is not fully formed until between 25 and 30 years of age.

Shocking, right? Today’s parents suffer the plight of the unknown, as evinced by the top internet searches about teens:

  • Why do teenagers cut themselves?
  • Why do teenagers sleep so much?
  • Why do teens lie?
  • Why are teens depressed?
  • How Much Sleep do Teens Need?
  • Why do teens have anxiety?
  • What do I talk about with a teenager?
  • Why is my teen so mean to me?
  • Is social media bad for teens?

Consider this…

…adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part, but teens process information with the amygdala, the emotional chunk. Here’s the hitch: It’s the prefrontal cortex that responds to situations with sound judgment and a grasp of long-term costs. It’s also one of the last brain regions to mature. Teen brains aren’t fully connected, which leaves them more prone to impulsive behavior, even without other influencing factors like genetics or K-pop.

All these changes the brain is experiencing could be why adolescence is when mental ailments such as schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and eating disorders appear. Fortunately, most teens go on to become healthy adults. Changes in the brain during development may help protect against long-term mental disorders.

What can parents do?

As parents, we tend to jump in with advice to fix problems or place blame. But doing so can make teens less likely to be open in the future. You want to make it emotionally safe and easy for them to approach you. Never forget you’re the most important role model and influencer your kids have.

Start with the following teen mental health triage tactics:

1. Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

Instead, ask if they want you to respond when they come to you with problems, or if they just want you to listen. What works isn’t telling a teen to calm down; it’s empathy and diplomacy.

2. Parenting is an army of one – two if you’re lucky.

Pay close attention to your child’s symptoms and what they might be telling you, while not discounting their feelings. Remind your teen that this is what they’re feeling and not who they are. Keep in mind that mental health issues are not an indicator of poor parenting! Try to keep your fears to yourself and present a positive – or at least neutral – assessment and attitude of the situation.

3. Make a plan – hope is not a strategy.

After asking them to share their worries and distresses, prompt them to problem solve what is causing them distress and help them develop an actionable plan to counter their distress. Once you have implemented some of the aforementioned, keep the momentum! Only through repetition of techniques will your child learn to counter and manage future distressing episodes.

4. This is how you role … model.

Model positive behavior and good self-care. If you take of yourself, your teen will learn that self-care is important. Promote good sleep practices. A lack of sleep alone can compromise mental health. Help them get into a routine that prepares them for relaxation. This can include reading, simple meditative breathing exercises, or guided meditations. Get to bed early and at the same time each night. And, turn off the electronics to turn off their brain.

5. A great parent shows a kid where they don’t want to be but need to be.

Teach your teen to have a productivity goal (something from a “To-Do” list) and a pleasure goal (something from a “Fun-To-Do” list) each day. Then review these goals the following day when setting the new goals.

6. Mindfulness is never asking, “Are we there yet?”

Guide your teen to stay grounded in the present. Depression is rooted in the past, and anxiety in future thinking. If their anxiety spikes, try 4x4x4 breathing (breathe in for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and do this 4 times).

7. Penny for your lack of thoughts? 

Prompt them to channel nervous energy into something creative. Coach them to continually monitor their thoughts and dispute any that are negative, while citing three things (no more and no less) for which you are both grateful each day, no matter how small.

8. Show them how to live in opposite world.

Have them practice opposite action. In other words, regularly counter what anxiety or depression is prompting them to do. If depression wants them to watch “Riverdale” marathons from the couch, get them on a hike or nature walk. If social anxiety has them avoiding human contact, reward them to attend a social function.

9. But, first … a selfie.

Limit their time spent on social media. Consider offering your teen specific alternatives to daily social media use that include school or community-based sports, academic or social clubs, pursuit of creative or artistic interests, and even volunteering (start here: JustServe.org).

10. Render your teen powerful.

Remind your teen that they’re resilient and competent. Because they’re so focused in the moment, adolescents have trouble seeing they can play a part in changing bad situations. Reminding them of instances in the past they thought would be devastating but turned out for the best can help.

11. (A)ction + (B)ad Idea = (C)onsequences.

Help your teen link impulsive thinking with facts by reviewing with them all possible costs of their actions – especially those related to self-harm or suicide. Doing so helps their brains create these connections and can wire their brains to make this link more often. Seriously. This one is vital.

12. Show no interest, and they’ll show no effort.

Become familiar with things that are important to your teen. It doesn’t mean #hashtagging your bubble tea pics on IG, or sidewalk camping in January for BTS tix, but showing an interest in things they like expresses they’re important to you.

An Important Note About When to Seek Outside Help:

It’s normal for a teen to be down or sullen for two or three days. But, if you see notable mood or behavioral changes lasting more than a week, it could indicate something else is occurring, such as depression. In such cases, promptly seek professional treatment for your child.

Sources: Google Analytics, May 2019

What Is a Best Friend? Here’s How to Keep a Long-Term Friendship (as featured in Good Housekeeping Magazine)

These super sweet BFF stories will melt your heart.

Adult friendship is two people saying, “I haven’t seen you in forever — we should hang out!” Then later wishing you hadn’t made plans. In your 20s and 30s, new people stream into your life through college, work, weekend avocado toast and bottomless mimosa brunches, though as we approach mid-life, schedules compress, priorities shift, and we settle for Netflix and Pinot Gris at home. Oftentimes, we realize we’ve let close friendships lapse and reconnect only when faced with a life-event like a death or divorce.

Science proves making and maintaining long-term friendships as an adult can be tough. According to a 2019 study by OnePoll and Evite, the average American hasn’t made a new friend in five years. After asking 2,000 Americans, they discovered 45 percent of adults find it difficult to make new friends, with 42 percent mentioning introversion or shyness as the reason for the difficulty.

That makes it even more impressive when you see friendships that span a lifetime. It takes a lot of work to keep up a relationship for so long — but these six BBFs have done it, and are therefore our new best-friend-goals. Here, they reveal how they’ve able to keep it up, even after time, kids, and/or distance have gotten in the way.

Maricela Lau Prudhomme &
Pamela Yamamoto Ostrowski
Pacifica, CA & Dana Point, CA
39 Years

Best Friends Goals - Maricela and Pam
MARICELA LAU PRUDHOMME & PAMELA YAMAMOTO OSTROWSKI

How did you two meet?
Yamamoto Ostrowski: We met in the first grade at an all-girls Catholic school called Canonesas De la Cruz in Lima, Peru. I believe we were the only Asians that attended the school. In Peru, students remain in the same room for the entire year, while different teachers come to instruct the kids on various subjects, and they don’t have to change rooms. Maricela and I shared the same room for 11 years, and each year we tried to sit close so we could talk.

How did you initially know that you should be friends?
Lau Prudhomme: Pamela and I hung-out all the time during recess at school. We both have strong and competitive temperaments. Pamela is Peruvian-Japanese, and I am Peruvian-Chinese. Our shared Peruvian-Asian background made us feel connected.

How you kept this friendship alive for decades?
Yamamoto Ostrowski: We haven’t lived in the same place since we were 17 years old. After high school, Maricela moved to California and I moved to Japan. Ten years later, I received a beautiful letter in the mail from Maricela. She found my address in Japan and we picked up where we left off. We continued to keep in touch via letters. A few years later, I came to the U.S. for the first time just to visit Maricela, and stayed at her house with her parents. I’ll never forget the day that I arrived and she picked me up at the airport. We laughed, cried, and screamed at the same time. It was an amazing day, and I’ll hold that moment in my heart forever. Even today, each time that we see each other we jump up and down with tons of hugs and kisses, like the first time we reconnected.

What’s the most memorable thing that’s happened to you together?
Lau Prudhomme: I’ll never forget when Pamela chased me around the schoolyard after I slapped her in the face when she was being mean to me. But, more seriously, she was present at every significant day of my life. She was my maid of honor in both of my weddings. Our lives have played out quite similarly. We both divorced our first husbands; are now remarried; and we both began a family at the same time. I’ve always told her that she mimics my every step! Our friendship is the strongest now that we are learning to be moms for the first time.

How did you stay friends through raising families?
Lau Prudhomme: We have both always wanted a family. And, we both had a hard time conceiving. I finally got pregnant once I stopped trying at 43, and gave birth in November, 2018. While Pamela decided to adopt the same month. We now both have girls. No matter how busy we are, we continue having this sister-like friendship.
Yamamoto Ostrowski: Life is so amazing and made us mothers at the same time! Even more, her daughter was born on my birthday. We’re more connected now than ever.

Paula Didion & Pamela Zwicker Young
Litchfield Park, AZ and
Westerville, Ohio
43 Years

Best Friend Goals - Paula Didion & Pamela Zwicker Young
PAULA DIDION & PAMELA ZWICKER YOUNG

How have you kept this friendship alive for decades?
Didion: Simple friend love. There is no drama. We’re honest with each other, and we don’t judge — at least not openly! We’ve always been this way. I’ll support Pam to the ends of the Earth if necessary.
Zwicker Young: We were in each other’s weddings, are godparents to each other’s children, and we’ve always kept in touch over holidays and tried to get together in the summers when the kids were younger. Our daughters are close as well, and continue to maintain their friendship. They even refer to each other as cousins.

What’s the most memorable thing that’s happened to you together?
Didion: In 1978 we were in Toledo Ohio together during a blizzard. We spent a week snowed-in together, surviving on whatever means we had on-hand. We managed to make the most of it, and I think we grew even closer.

Do you think it’s better or worse for young people today trying to keep friendship alive in the internet age?
Didion: I think it is worse. Nothing beats old-fashioned physical contact, face-to-face honesty, and love to bond people. A touch is worth a million words.
Zwicker Young: I think it’s very important to have a real-life friendship outside of technology. Young people sometimes have difficulty dealing with real-life, adult situations face-to-face. Also, it is hard for some young people to just make friends because they don’t know how to communicate without texting.

Tracy Cook & Julie Carson Meeker
Campbell and Calaveras County, CA
39 Years

Best Friend Goals - Tracy Cook & Julie Meeker CarsonTRACY COOK & JULIE MEEKER CARSON

How did you two meet?
Cook: Julie and I first met in Kindergarten in 1980 at Kathryn Hughes Elementary School. In the 3rd grade she put a note in my cubbie box that said “Will you be my best friend?” and there was a hand-drawn box to check “yes” or “no.”

How you kept this friendship alive for decades?
Cook: It was easy when we were going to the same school. We lived less than a mile away from each other, yet talked on the phone while watching the same TV show together. Once Julie moved two and a half hours away after the eighth grade, we incurred so many long-distance phone bills, and our parents limited phone calls to 30 minutes a few times per week. But they also drove us back and forth to visit with each other during winter, spring, and summer vacations. As college students we didn’t have much money, but managed to afford gas to occasionally visit each other. It became easier as young adults with the advent of email, text messaging, and social media. In our thirties and now forties, we’ve been more deliberate in planning outings and celebrations together. Now that we’ve both lost our parents, we’ve connected on an even deeper level. Her dad died when we were 17 from throat cancer, and her mom in 2017 of breast cancer. I texted her so often after my mom and dad died, just to be reminded that life will go on.

What’s the most memorable thing that’s happened to you together?
Cook: On my 31st birthday, Julie drove hours to have a party with me and some other friends in my hospital room following my own complicated cancer surgery four days prior. I was so sad that morning, and feeling sorry for myself on my birthday when Julie and five other friends arrived to see me. I’ll never forget that. Three months later I was her maid of honor at her wedding. I told her she didn’t have to have me since I didn’t have hair, and did not want to ruin her pictures with a bald girl in them. She told me that I was ridiculous.
Carson Meeker: The most memorable things to me are the important events that have happened in our lives. We have been through breakups together. We stood for each other in our weddings. We have been through cancer together. We have been through the deaths of our mothers and fathers together. We have celebrated birthdays and anniversaries and mourned many losses together. I get to watch her raise her son and we get to grow old together. That’s the stuff that I think about.

Eric VanNorden and Gavin Sargent
Boring and Tigard, OR
39 Years

Best Friend Goals - Eric VanNorden and Gavin SargentERIC VANNORDEN AND GAVIN SARGENT

How did you two meet?
VanNorden: We attended Gresham Union High School together, and were both in the marching band as tuba players. Gavin was a long-haired, skinny kid with a great sense of knowing that I was the funnier and more handsome one.

How you kept this friendship alive for decades?
VanNorden: Over all the years, having a friend that understands the way you think is a blessing. We’ve never judged the other. No arguments, just acceptance.
Sargent: We’ve always had shared interests. From playing tuba to riding motorcycles, to playing wingman for each other, to having a drink or two. We seemed to be closely aligned. In the last couple decades as we got busier with families and life, our shared philosophies about family and politics have facilitated the bond.

Do you think it’s better or worse for young people today trying to keep friendship alive in the internet age?
VanNorden: I watch my children’s struggles and wonder how we would have managed it. I draw no other conclusion than not well. Interpersonal skills seem to be lacking, along with an inability to cope with simple issues that compound the “everyday life” skills we need to thrive.
Sargent: Also, I see kids cutting down their peers with little to no thought about it online, and hundreds of people can be in on those caustic comments. Whereas in the past, if someone had something bad to say, only a few were likely to be in the loop at the time.

Karin Salisbury Duprey &
Carolyn Greene Dalgleish
Cranston and North Kingstown, Rhode Island
46 Years

Best Friend Goals - Karin Salisbury Duprey & Carolyn Greene Dalgeish
KARIN SALISBURY DUPREY & CAROLYN GREENE DALGEISH

How did you initially know that you should be friends?
Salisbury Duprey: As kids growing up in the ’70s, we were pushed outside at dawn and told not to come back until the street lights came on. We lived in the same neighborhood, played in the same yards, attended the same schools, and shared the same friends. We became friends organically, and realized we needed to remain friends.
Greene Dalgleish: Initially, I was highly superficial in my decision to befriend Karin. She had a pool and junk food at her house, and I had neither at mine. In reality, I think I knew at a young age that Karin had traits that I needed to be around — and that I didn’t necessarily have! — that included intense loyalty, positivity, deep feelings, and a big sense of fun and adventure.

How you kept this friendship alive for decades?
Salisbury Duprey: We have so much respect for each other. She fills my heart with gratitude for the decades of invaluable friendship. You just don’t let that go. Besides, she knows too much!
Greene Dalgleish: We’ve always seemed to connect regularly even when distance was a factor; like during college when I was in Ohio and Karin in Boston, and for most of our twenties when we were living in different states. Karin has always been completely grounding for me, and I needed to connect with her periodically. And with her deep loyalty, she would often get the ball rolling and the plans organized.

Do you think it’s better or worse for young people today trying to keep friendship alive in the digital age?
Salisbury Duprey: I think today’s friendships are genuinely different because of the internet. I think kids need to peel away from technology in order to build the strength and deep roots to keep these kinds of friendships alive and healthy. Carolyn and I started our friendship because we were playing outside, away from technology and away from adults, which allowed us a more connected reality than I’ve seen in adolescents today.
Greene Dalgleish: Today, it seems easier to stay connected at a basic, more superficial level. But it feels like the deeper connections are much harder to develop for young people now. I think part of the reason our friendship has lasted and grown deeper is that we’ve really had to work for it, in good times and bad.

is the creator and co-author of 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety and the forthcoming In Case of Anxiety… Anxiety Hacks for a Janky World.