State of Anxiety

Providing humorous perspective during & after a breakup or divorce

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Breakup Advice: Emotion regulation

Are there "good" vs. "bad" emotions??

Are there “good” vs. “bad” emotions??

It’s a little known fact that there is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. I think this is a good place to start, especially since we tend to “feel bad” about “feeling bad.” Don’t.

Emotions simply are what they are; we just attach a good or bad label to them after we experience them. There are plenty of reasons why we do this: Societal messages, religion, family values, pharmaceutical commercials, our efforts to try and make sense of this world, etc… Plus the obvious that it’s natural to think feeling happy is good and feeling sad is bad. I’m not trying to rally against these reasons; I’m just saying there are reasons why we do this.

The idea that emotions are neither “good” nor “bad” blew my mind the first time I had to think about it – as it was such an engrained concept. But the fish does not know it’s swimming in water. It’s sometimes easier to think of things in extremes. Consider a really “bad” emotion:  Hopelessness. This has to be one of the most painful emotions a person can experience. It implies a consistent, never ending dread with a sense of “I can’t believe I have to drag my carcass through another day.”

My point is that hopelessness, in and of itself, isn’t a “bad” feeling. It’s just a feeling. We certainly do not want to experience it, but saying to yourself that feeling hopeless is “bad” is like saying it’s “bad” to feel the rain on your face (Linehan). You have no control over the touch receptors on your skin just like you have no control over the limbic system in your brain that facilitates your initial emotions. You’re blaming yourself for something you have zero control over, which is not the most helpful method to recover.

What you do have control over is how you respond to these emotions… And, that starts with recognizing that they are neither good nor bad.

– Tom

Breakup advice you need. Now.

Breakup without breaking down

State of Anxiety is a website dedicated to helping you through a breakup in an unprecedented manner. It’s practical breakup advice and humor unlike any other – and, with huge results. If you’ve already done an Internet search and landed here, then you know there are more than a few tons of useless resources out there – especially for women. And, if you’ve been lucky enough in life to dodge a bout of anxiety up till now, a breakup might, unfortunately, end that streak. Everyone suffers from a breakup and the resulting anxiety at one time or another. Anxiety and breakups go together like a colonoscopy during a Justin Bieber concert – in that you never want to experience either – especially both together.

But, a breakup doesn’t mean a breakdown. And, breakup advice doesn’t have to be the banal variety mostly available thus far. Why not tap in to a new breakup recovery paradigm? The worse you are feeling, the more imperative it is to access a unique approach that works quickly to alleviate your pain. How long your breakup anxiety lasts will determine if it’s the problematic type. The duration is what separates the normal from the neurotic. No one knows neurosis like we do. And, neurotic or not, Tom and I will get you through it. Since anxiety is a normal reaction to a breakup, there’s nothing to fear. Anxiety actually helps us deal with a tense situation. Whether it be in the office when someone eats your sandwich from the break room fridge, or keeping you focused during a job interview (at a company where people don’t steal sandwiches). In general, anxiety helps us cope with the swerves of life. Think of it as the fire under your ass that jump-starts you into some sort of action. Sometimes that action is detrimental to your well-being – which is why we’ve brought helmets and breakup advice that’s better than bubble-wrap.

State of Anxiety is both spot-on breakup advice and perspective, and a handy resource that you won’t find anywhere else. This site and the accompanying soon-to-be released book is a lot of uniquely wonderful things – but, it isn’t the status quo breakup advice littering bookstore shelves and online book retailers. Rather, the State of Anxiety website and book provide relief and the, “Hey, I’m not so crazy after all” type of self-reflection sorely needed by the hundreds of millions suffering from a breakup at any given moment. State of Anxiety utilizes humor, heavy doses of introspection, and sound clinical advice as an unconventional approach to the personal chaos of a breakup. State of Anxiety is the first, and maybe the only, website designed to placate pain and anxiety as it chronicles the comical manifestations of a breakup. If you don’t think there is such a thing, read this.

When it comes to breakup advice, clinical studies repeatedly show that laughter heals. According to Discovery News, “The protection apparently comes from endorphins, a complex chemical that helps to transmit messages between neurons but also dulls signals of physical pain and psychological stress.” In addition to humor and the much needed relatability/perspective during a breakup,  State of Anxiety promotes healing while providing a collective identity through a community of like-minded, insightful visitors who learn to quickly navigate a breakup with the precision of a ninja. State of Anxiety is also a checks-and-balances to help determine if what you’re feeling at any point during a breakup is valid, while acting as a healthy distraction to provide levity and  a way through the potential agony. State of Anxiety is the perfect accoutrement and social utility to check-in with peers experiencing similar angst, while taking something positive away. Sometimes, a dose of perspective is all that is needed. But we offer so much more. In doing so, we’ve turned breakup advice on it’s head.

The State of Anxiety website and book are a testament to our dedication and life’s work to getting you through your breakup pain. State of Anxiety is the quintessential source to breaking-up while breaking-out of your mold. When it comes to breakup advice – hang-on tight – things are about to get real …

Breaking-Up Badly

It is common knowledge that breakups are the heart’s equivalent to getting stabbed in the crotch with scissors. To the recipient of walking papers from a relationship, even the brightest, most sunshiny day can feel like a canker sore. And, barring the passage of time, there is no single effective cure for the gut-wrenching angst associated with heartache.

The typical breakup is comprised of a series of standard stages through which everyone progresses in roughly the same manner. However, the “actions” associated with each stage differ for men versus women. The male breakup recovery cycle is largely counter-productive in comparison with the female version – especially if “breakup anxiety” begins – in which case a routine breakup for either sex becomes a case-study in maladaptive social bizarredom. For the anxious individual, the symptoms and manifestations associated with the breakup stages are measurably more self-defeating, sadistic, lengthy, and, oddly – awe inspiring – than that of a split for the less anxious populace. And, though the phases for a breakup involving an anxious person can affect both males and females – it is far less socially acceptable in a man.

This is the primary reason there are so few books available to men regarding breakups. You have to look no further than the breakup book covers and titles to validate this claim: “He’s Just Not That Into You“; “The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy“; and “Breakup Girl to the Rescue“, for example. The list is long, and each cloaked in pink, pastel, and effeminate covers. As general practice men go to bars and strip-clubs, hook-up with a random stranger, stalk their ex, or binge drink upon having a significant relationship terminated. But, once anxiety kicks-in he becomes an emotional crash-test dummy. He is the poster child for Kleenex, alcohol, and anti-depressants. And, he was recently … me.

Post breakup advice from a guy is seldom, if ever, helpful. “Man-therapy” is worthless – unless the man has “LCSW” or “Bartender” following his name. After my very first breakup, my dad bluntly dispensed some advice while we worked on my Dodge pick-up. It was one short, memorable statement he made as he torqued on something important under the hood with some large torquing type of device. In referring to my ex, he said, “Son, there is nothing between her legs that you won’t find between another set – so, move on.” Sage advice. But clearly, my father assumed I was as shallow as my brother, whom rolled through breakups like a pimp with a titanium heart and sealed tear ducts.

There are basically three stages of any breakup. And, the following are how each plays-out for an anxious individual:

Stage I for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Shock & Awe:“
This initial period is accompanied with a false sensation of, “I can totally fix this.“ It is marred by feelings of inner turmoil, all-consuming grief, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, jealousy, lack of food or sleep, a disregard for personal hygiene, and peppered with moments of irrationality. It is comprised by a sense of defeat that this was the single greatest partner you will ever have, that you will never meet anyone as good, and you will die alone. Sure, you’ve somehow recovered from previous losses, but this one is seemingly insurmountable.

It is within this early state that you believe the resultant heartache will kill you. Your current state of emotions feel worse than had your love interest actually died in a freak bong or hair straightener/White Rain aerosol accident. Had they actually died, you would not be picturing them naked in ritualistic Conquistador-type sex orgies. And, in the instance of their death, you would receive paid time off from work with copious sympathy from colleagues and peers. Not so with breakups. People tire of your incessant whining and ideological droning about times past.

In the campaign to win back the object of your desire, this stage will often include regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and voicemails in futile attempts to recon the defector – while each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within hours. This period is rife with a fuzzy logic that there is just the right combination of words and dire pleading to get them to reconsider. Like reminding them that no one will ever love them the way you do. It is wise to keep a dose or two of Ativan, Xanax, or Klonopin readily available to prevent the inevitable emotional meltdown or impulsive purchase. I took Xanax during a long mountain bike ride after my breakup, and passed-out midway on a remote hillside. And, offering to do everything now that you were unwilling to do while in the relationship is a colossal ‘red-flag.’ To yourself. 

Remedy for Stage I:
If you take away anything from this article, let it be this: Do not ask him/her to sleep with you one more time in  the hope it will somehow woo them back. If you pose this question, you will be denied even a sliver of dignity upon which to rest. It is imperative to limit self-humiliation and to avoid further contact with your ex. An effective technique to implement at this early stage is deleting the object of affection’s number from your phone contacts list. Even better, is turning off the phone and keeping it in the trunk of your car. If, as in my case, the number is permanently etched into your mind from days of deranged dialing, then change the object of affection’s name within your phone to something more appropriate like, “Rotten Crotch,” “Man Whore,” “Patriot’s Fan,” etc. This will limit moments of nostalgia and the certain romanticizing of his/her name.

Perform an exorcism of all relationship mementos: Emails, cards, photos, half-used massage oils, candles, anal beads, concert tees, Tantric Sex guides, etc. Despite how expensive, memorable, or impressively crafted, they must all be discarded. Jewelry is excluded, as it should go directly to a consignment shop, with the resulting cash used on legal massage or facials. I still miss the beautiful desk globe my ex got me for Christmas – but, it looked much better at the bottom of my garbage. My shirts she loved to wear – now used to wipe the mud and bugs off the front of my truck. Her toothbrush – perfect for removing hard-to-reach toilet algae from under the rim. Bath gels, shampoos, lotions, hair clips – all trash. I found that ridding of her hair was the final and most tenacious forensic leftover of which to dispose. I found it everywhere … for months. All over my floors, in the dryer, permanently intertwined in my hair brush, in my sock drawer, adhered to my shower tile, clogging pipes, etc. It’s a wonder she had any hair at all, with a shed-rate of a Wookie.

Change all venues you regularly frequented together, such as gyms, bars, naughty shops, theaters, cafes, Pottery Barn, etc. You could probably use the change of scenery anyhow. And, no matter what month the breakup occurs, it will seem everyone else you know is in a happy, healthy, sexually-charged relationship. Even your ugliest and socially stunted of friends will somehow secure mates during this time, then say asinine things like, “Hey, when you get a new partner let us know so we can double-date.” And, skip rebound dating for now, under the presumption that “The quickest way to get over one, is to get under another.” This is a brief distractor and, invariably, turns into date-therapy and sound-boarding your problems on to some innocent philanthropist kind enough to get naked with this woeful, depressed version of you. Your sole focus is making it to the next phase while limiting any carnage to yourself or some unsuspecting prey from Tinder.

Stage II for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Death-by-Analysis“:
This white-knuckle stage is infused with just enough “What’s wrong with me” self-loathing to completely derail any chance of near-term recovery. Life feels like a vapid waste of time that varies in length, wreaking havoc on the synapses, short circuiting the neurons while your exhausted brain runs endless scenarios trying to solve the severed bond piece-by-piece in some macabre “CSI” type of relationship re-enactment. You painstakingly dissect every past conversation, event, moment, expression, and nuance of the relationship in futile attempts to plot a reconnaissance and recovery strategy. This insidious period takes hold just as you feel you could not sink any lower, and upon realizing the breakup was probably all your fault and that he/she is really never coming back. 

Each day you awaken yearning for a mere 1% reduction in sorrow and heartache, and more than 4 hours of sleep. I avoided my bedroom entirely and slept on the living room couch for the next two months. My days were spent outdoors and ‘on-the-go’ in an attempt to stay distracted till I was physically spent, then I would down a couple of sleeping pills. I avoided my memory-tainted bedroom altogether. Her aura hung in there like a fat, lazy demon – always looming, while unresponsive to exorcisms. And, oddly, one whom sadistically hid her scrunchies and hair-ties throughout the night for me to find later. Her ghost was a bitch.

Remedy for Stage II:
To counter the morbid feelings inherent to this stage, it is imperative to spend time outside, get regular sleep, eat right, and exercise. Wean off the liquor and Mylanta, and introduce your body to some calories in the form of broth, dry toast, and perhaps graduate to an actual fruit smoothie. And, wash it all down with some heavy metal. Because no matter when you breakup, you will hear only dismal love songs to feed your angst. Richard Marx, Air Supply, The Commodores, John Waite and the grocery store Muzak play-list all conspire against your recovery. There is often no mental escape except the solace brought on by the death metal genre. You won’t find any power ballads on the Sirius Heavy Metal-XL 40 channel. Embrace your inner head-banger and savor some Goatwhore, Hatesphere, or Napalm Death. Sure, it feels a tad Satanic and insubordinate at first. But, this audio ecstasy greatly facilitated my own recovery. And, rather than sulking into the lump of moist waste that John Mayer and Maroon 5 will produce, death metal will usher you to the “healthy” angry stage of a breakup. 

If you haven’t done so, stop sending flowers and/or gifts and recoup some losses – like your self-esteem. No more idealizing, and begin reducing your love interest’s grandiosity by radically accepting things for what they are. Friends usually have your best interests in mind, and make convincing liars regarding how much better off you are. In my case, however, male friends only added to the distress by stating that my ex was doing some other guy at random moments – and, probably – multiple guys. And, even though she was not sexually adventurous with me, she is certainly now an amateur porn star, while pulling ecstasy-induced all-night sexcapades. She was a former gymnast after all. In my mind, she made the “Kama Sutra” read like a beginners wall chart to yoga. 

Retail therapy often helps women within this state-of-mind regain some self assuredness. Many spare no expense when purchasing their way into temporary bliss. New clothes are not as cathartic or therapeutic for an emotionally wounded straight man, however. Retail therapy for a guy means a muscle car or a new truck with thousands in aftermarket modifications, followed by a serious bout of “buyer’s remorse.” This is precisely how I acquired a $65,000 lifted, customized 4×4 truck. The high lasted about 40 hours until I had to fill the gas tank for the first time. 

The Final Stage (III) for the Anxious Breakup Victim is “Reattaching Genetalia“
Congratulations! You are beginning to feel some emancipation from your emotional purgatory. You do not feel as physically repulsive as before, and you have some real marketability to leverage since giving-up the pastime of wallowing in anger and self-defeat. Thankfully, the visceral imagery has stopped, and no longer do you mull over your ex every minute of each day. You have even moderately accepted that, depending on your ex’s “promiscuity index,” he/she has been naked with someone you despise. Somewhat unsettling to know, but no longer a deathblow. And, you can watch as the season changes and know that you are not going to perish from a bleeding heart. On the upside, you’ve even lost enough weight to rock those skinny jeans. 

Perhaps the best part of this phase is that you have stopped idealizing the relationship and see it for what it was: A two-party ‘shitshow.’ Use this time to accelerate gaining distance from the person and the past. It really is okay that your supposed “perfect” relationship is irretrievable. It’s a delusion that if you had back, would end in the same twisted wreckage. You may even consider going on a date and not verbally vomiting the name of your ex. What’s important is that you get out there and take some swings, jabs, cracks, or whatever your preferred sports analogy. 

Finally, it is important to note that is within this final stage of your recovery that your ex will fortuitously make a reappearance. This assumes you followed the aforementioned recommendations, and their reappearance is not in response to a court subpoena for your criminal stalking trial. The moment your ex senses you have moved on, will be the moment they can’t stand knowing you have. The sick irony, however, is that they will absolutely not contact you prior to you getting over them. Plan for this momentous day by readying yourself for the moral high-ground. Quiet confidence speaks volumes here. There is no need to remind him/her what they lost in you, because this isn’t about you. It’s about their own frail and bruised ego, and the fact they only care that you have managed to somehow prevail in their absence. Sometimes God sends an ex back into your life to see if you’re still stupid.

Remember, “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken.” I read that on a neon pink breakup book cover somewhere …

Guest Post: Is Anxiety Killing Us as a Culture?

Anxiety is currently a serious problem. As a whole, the collective mind – particularly in Western cultures and North America – seems to be getting more distraught, more stressed, and more anxious.

This is creating a number of problems in society as a whole. Is anxiety killing us as a culture?

How Could Anxiety Do So Much Damage?

When someone is anxious, it’s a reflection of inner turmoil. Many of us deal with existential anxiety – the constant, looming sense of having no real idea of what we’re doing on this planet, or where our lives are going. Working, raising kids, going to school, and living in noisy, crowded cities can all promote high levels of anxiety.

This is problematic on its own – but unfortunately, a lot of people don’t acknowledge their anxiety or refuse to seek help for it. This means that there are millions of people living their lives in a state of anxiety while also believing that there’s no reason that they should seek help for it.

Anxiety is running rampant in society, creating a litany of problems.

  • Driving while anxious makes one more likely to have an accident.
  • High anxiety levels are leading to higher rates of drug addiction and overdose.
  • Parents who are anxious all the time are likely to raise anxious children (anxiety seed-planting).
  • High levels of anxiety and stress are known to contribute to physical diseases and is likely a factor in the increasing rates of disease in the United States.
  • Serious anxiety can develop into other conditions, a lower quality of life, and make people more likely to act out irrationally or even violently.

Knowing this, there’s no doubt that anxiety is something worthy of treatment. But what can we do?

How to Manage Anxiety

One of the reasons that people may not treat their anxiety is because they’re not sure how to go about it. Here are some reliable ways to manage anxiety.

  • Find a Therapist. Many people fear therapy will label them as some sort of ‘nut-case,’ but this isn’t anywhere close to truth. The brain is an organ that can screw-up like any other organ in the body. Does having asthma or cancer make you a lesser person? Hardly. The reality is that we’re all struggling with some sort of internal issue, and the strongest people are those who seek out therapy to improve themselves regardless of what others think. You can easily find a therapist on the Psychology Today website, or speak to an online therapist through one of many companies.
  • Consider Meditation or Breathing Exercises. Meditation has been used for thousands of years to help people manage things like chronic stress and anxiety. Beginning a meditation routine and doing it properly will yield profound results that can measurably improve both physical and mental health. Meditation has even been scientifically proven to lower cortisol, the stress hormone.
  • Practice Gratitude. Consistently (daily) focusing on just three gratitudes – no matter how small – at the end of each day, has a twofold effect: (1) It slows and replaces negative thought patterns with something entirely different. (2) It rewires the brain to stop automatically seeking the “bad.” Studies show that we can physically rewire and retrain the brain! Doing something 40 – 50 times creates new pathways, neurons and synapses in the brain that can be seen via MRI. And, doing it 60 times or more will actually thicken and reinforce those neuron bundles for the long-term!

If you follow these tips, then you’ll surely find that your mental health improves in no time.

Guest Post: 4 Ways to Reduce Anxiety in the Workplace

Anxiety can be a debilitating condition, especially in the workplace. If you have high anxiety all of the time, anxiety while you are at work can make it very difficult to do your job effectively. Anxiety in the workplace can affect your relationships with your coworkers and supervisors, as well as your interactions with clients or customers. Luckily, there are several ways that you can manage your anxiety while at work.

Meditation

Meditation is a great relaxation tool that can really be employed just about anywhere. All it takes is 10 minutes of meditation to reduce anxiety. You can meditate at your desk, find a quiet unused meeting room, or even go into a bathroom stall. Using your breaks at work to meditate can help keep your body and mind fully relaxed and better able to cope with the day to day tasks of your job.

Deep Breathing

Breathing exercises are a great way to make sure that you are remaining calm while you are at work. When you feel your anxiety mounting, take a few moments to close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Take deep breaths, counting to five as you inhale and counting to three as you exhale. Focusing on your breathing will help calm your mind, while the deep slow breaths will reduce the physical effects of anxiety such as lowering pulse rate, lowering blood pressure, and relaxing the muscles of the body.

Counting the Senses

If you are in the midst of an anxiety attack or you are experiencing particularly high anxiety at one point in time, you can do a quick exercise to get yourself grounded and back on track. Simply find at least one thing in the room that correlates to each of the five senses. Find something you can see, something you can touch, something you can hear, something you can smell, and something you can taste. The more things you find for each sense the more grounded you will feel.

Of course, managing anxiety isn’t always this easy. You may have high anxiety in the workplace due to your own internal monologue or issues that have arisen in your workplace. If you frequently have anxiety only while you are at work, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist. A therapist will be able to help you discover why you are having the high anxiety while at work and address those issues to eliminate the anxiety once and for all.

If you have a full time job, therapy may seem impossible to schedule. With BetterHelp.com you can talk to a therapist on the phone, by text, online, or through video chat any time of the day or night. They also have a lot of information on their website that can help you learn how to manage your anxiety in and out of the workplace. Do not hesitate to contact them, or to do more research into how to manage your anxiety at work.

If You Want to Know What’s Really Going on in Boys’ Heads, Ask Their BFFs (as featured in Good Housekeeping)

Boys talk honestly with their besties about friendship, social media, and what they wish adults knew.

If there’s one situation where boys do show empathy, compassion, and openness, it’s when they’re with their best friends. And that type of relationship has to be protected: In a report published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence, NYU Professor Niobe Way found that more than 85% of American adolescent boys, interviewed over more than 20 years, described their close male friendships as a kind of deep and emotion-based love.

However, her research showed that while boys often had intimate male friendships during early and middle adolescence, they typically lost such friendships by late adolescence, even though they continued to want them. It’s important, then, that we teach our boys how to value and nurture their friendships. And the good news is that some already do. Here, a look at the world of boys through their BFFs.

“We get in a big fight, and then a few minutes later we stop and we’re nice to each other again.”

How did you become friends? 
Patrick, 9 ½: We’re neighbors and we live right next to each other. 
Quinn, 9: I was getting bored with the other kids on the street and became friends with Patrick after he moved in.

What do you think it takes to be a good friend?
Patrick: Trust, loyalty, and kindness. 
Quinn: Kindness, honesty, and helpfulness.

What drives your parents crazy when you’re together? 
Patrick: We watch really annoying videos, we talk loudly, we make obnoxious noises.
Quinn: And we play together for almost a whole day.

What do you do when you fight? 
Quinn: We get in a big fight, and then a few minutes later we stop and we’re nice to each other again.
Patrick: Or we take a time out from each other for two or three days, but one of us comes crawling back a few days later.

“I wish adults knew the pressure of social media and cyberbullying in this day and age.”

When did you first become friends?
Chayse, 11: We met each other in kindergarten, but became really close in fourth grade.

What’s the best advice he’s ever given you?
Nicholas, 12: To keep my head up and do not let anyone bring it down.
Chayse: Nick stops me from getting in trouble. There was a boy that always irritated me in fifth grade and once I was so upset, I wanted to fight him. Nick stopped me and told me I was better than that and that I shouldn’t get myself in trouble.

What do you wish adults knew about what it’s like to be a boy today?
Nicholas: I wish adults knew the pressure of social media and cyberbullying in this day and age. It’s real.
Chayse: It’s also scary being a black boy today because some people think we are bad based on the color of our skin, and I don’t want someone to hurt me as a result of their own beliefs which are untrue.

What kind of pressure are you dealing with right now that you don’t think past generations have had to deal with?
Nicholas: Technology and posting on social media. Sometimes people I’ve never met write not-flattering things on social media posts. We call it trolling. 
Chayse: I think people in my generation have to deal with cyberbullying a lot more than past generations.

“Sometimes we hug, or bro-hug, or pat each other’s backs when we’re playing football.”

What do you like most about each other? 
Ethan, 11: He is thoughtful and a good friend. If someone asked him to play, he doesn’t want to play without me. When people are mean to him, he doesn’t overreact — he just ignores them. He also doesn’t care what people think of him. Like if someone calls him names, he doesn’t care. Some may call him gay or jerk or mean, or the p-word [pussy] because he doesn’t want to get into a fight. He keeps it chill and just walks away. He calls me over, and we just go play other games. 
Gage, 11: His laugh makes me laugh; he sounds like a squirrel. I like that he’s kind to my family, and he uses his manners. I like that he also doesn’t like to fight. One time when we were playing football at recess, a boy was going to punch Ethan, but I blocked the punch and got in trouble for fighting. The school called my mom, but she didn’t get mad because I was protecting my friend.

Has anyone ever made fun of you for being so close?
Ethan: Yes, some have called us gay because we hang out a lot. They’re probably jealous because they don’t have a good friend like me. Sometimes when they see that we hug each other, they say things.
Gage: Sometimes we hug, or bro-hug, or pat each other’s backs when we’re playing football. The other boys say, “That’s weird,” or “You’re gay.” We just get mad and walk away and keep playing football.

What’s the best advice he’s ever given you?
Ethan: Don’t listen to what other people say. Also, once he told me that I shouldn’t let people be so mean to me. That I shouldn’t be afraid to stand up for myself. He didn’t understand how I can always stand up for others and defend others, but I don’t stand up for myself. He says I should not be afraid to tell people to stop messing with me, just like I tell them to stop messing with my friends. 
Gage: Ethan helps me with my school work in class. He tells me there’s an easier way to do something than what I’ve usually been doing. I think he doesn’t want me to get bad grades.

“With social media, we have a pressure to portray ourselves as better than we are because we’re always in the spotlight.”

How did you meet?
Joshua, 16: We met at an after-school program called Young at Arts when I was in fifth grade and he was in fourth grade and we just became friends. We both love theater and singing.

How can boys of any age become better at showing care and empathy towards other guys?
Patrick, 16: They should be honest with each other and not try and be a fake person about how they are feeling. The general portrayal of a male friendship is that they aren’t that close — that they talk to each other but don’t talk about their feelings. 
Joshua: I agree. There’s been a stigma for a long time that guys aren’t supposed to show their emotions. When you see a boy’s friendship portrayed in a movie or on TV you see them hanging out and watching sports or talking about girls, where girls are shown talking about their day and caring about how their friend’s day was, too. It doesn’t have to be like that. It’s ok for a guy to tell their guy friend that they had a really bad day and it’s ok for him to just be there for you.

What kind of pressure are you dealing with right now that you don’t think past generations have had to deal with?
Patrick: With social media, we have a pressure to portray ourselves as better than we are because we’re always in the spotlight.
Joshua: Everyone always knows what you are doing now — especially with Snap Maps — and I think that’s really annoying. Everyone knows where you are and while you are out there trying to make yourself happy, you have to worry about everyone knowing everything about you at all times. It’s a lot of pressure.

“Other than my father, they were the first guys I ever said the words, ‘I love you, man’.”

Has anyone ever made fun of you for being so close?
Taylor: Never. We’ve been ride-or-die forever. We’ve actually been told that our friendship is something others have envied. 
Riggins: And if they did, I wouldn’t care! I appreciate the bond I have with these two gentlemen. 
Dixon: I’ve spoken to people who commend us on our friendship, even though we aren’t physically close.

Why do you think your friendship has stood the test of time? 
Taylor: I guess the reality of it is that we’re brothers … but closer. To be honest, other than my father, they were the first guys I ever said the words, “I love you, man,“ to! It’s not something we shy away from saying. It’s not said all the time, but when it’s said it is meant. 

Riggins: We all extremely different, but it works for us! For example, I’m the attractive one out of the group, and they understand that! Just kidding! … Partially! Honestly, we are different. But our differences bring us together and make up for the weaknesses the other may have.

How did you keep the friendship going as your lives got busier? 
Taylor: In 1993, I left for college, and we maintained contact. I would call them just as much as I would my parents — probably more. Nothing has changed between us. All of us are fathers, Ace got married, I got married… life happens… but we’ve never lost a beat. 
Dixon: There are times when months go by and we don’t talk due to the hustle and bustle of life. Eventually we always find some time to check-up on each and see how things are going. 
Riggins: Sometimes we just call each other knowing that the other can’t talk, with the hopes that we can leave a long winded message talking about how the other person is ugly and has bad breath.

In your opinion, how can boys of any age become better at showing care and empathy towards other guys? 
Dixon: I think being able to understand that males can be close if they do have empathy for each other can propel close male bonds. Wearing your emotions on your sleeve is okay and confiding in a close male friend is a powerfully positive step forward. Being able to express your true feelings regardless of how it seems is perfectly okay. 
Taylor: It has to be taught that there is nothing wrong with emotion. It’s easier said than done, to be honest. But as men — especially black men — empathy is important. Someone to openly talk to and trust, without judgement, is hard to find. I’ve told my children it’s cool to have friends, but you need people in your lives like Chris and Ace.

Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body. Unless it’s Cancer … On Your Birthday.

On Burning Bridges and Nuzzling Adversity.

As an adult adoptee, the older I get the more mannerisms I see in myself from my parents. If there’s any question regarding the nature versus nurture debate, I can tell you firsthand that it hardly matters if you’re bought or birthed. By way of example, my brother (Jeff) and I were adopted from separate families and not related beyond sharing a last name, yet we both exhibit considerable features of our parents. If you were to meet Jeff, your first thought would likely be, “This guy’s an asshole, and nothing like his genteel Midwestern parents.” Though, he is fiscally responsible and likes khakis and hotel robes as they do. Whereas, I’m overtly kind, but a tragedy with money, and an aversion to chinos and shared monogrammed clothing.

Though I’ve gleaned countless positive characteristics from my parents, there are two traits I wish I never shared with them: anxiety and cancer – conditions that give no shits about heredity or lack thereof. Anxiety can come via “anxiety seed-planting” through our parents. Most often, however, it’s a result of a genetic predisposition combined with environmental factors. How you arrived at an angst-ridden life is not as important as how you manage one.

My dad, a clear victim of indecisiveness, often had me second-guessing my own choices, or not making one at all. To this day, if he thinks I made a less-than-prime choice, it has me strongly reconsidering – to the point I’m often paralyzed by an Applebee’s lunch menu.

With mom, I currently share the mixed blessing of cancer remission. I’m remarkably gracious to be in remission with her; but uncertain how as an athlete I succumbed to a smoker’s cancer diagnosis on my birthday. Or, far worse – how my mom was hit with an exceptionally rare stage IV breast cancer. I would take hers on if that was ever an option in my regular fantasy where some omnipotent entity grants us the power to switch maladies.

Being in this unique position, I’ve learned that the only thing worse than your own pain is helplessly watching a loved one suffer. The first being purely physical; the latter crushingly emotional. Yet it does not stop me from trying to will health or strength upon her.

There is always an upside or takeaway to every hardship, though it often takes time and distance to source it. In my instance, I am much closer to my parents through our shared experience caring for mom. Adversity also gave me the incentive to leave a dead-end job, and relegate my only sibling to the “acquaintance pool.” Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge. I regularly lean on prayer, daily gratitudes, and striving to stay rooted in the moment. Helpful tactics I would not have learned otherwise.

There is no education like struggle. Suffering is a conduit to empathy and awareness. Adversity yields purpose and refinement in life that can only come from life trials. Hug your family and your hardships. They’re trying to tell you something.

“Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.” – CS Lewis

If You’ve Ever Thought These 7 Things, You Might Have Relationship OCD (as featured at YourTango.com July 2018)

And the 10 Steps to Take if You Do.

The power of the human mind is wonderful and boggling – except when it turns on you while peppering your psyche with a staccato of queries about your relationship. 

One minute your partner’s grandeur is so intense, it’s cartoonish. How did you ever land such a splendid fish? The next you’re spun into a vortex of doubt, placing them under intense analysis, and scrutinizing every nuance of the relationship, including their questionably thick eyebrows.

This barrage of errant thoughts and questions commonly arise in otherwise healthy relationships. The obsessions include judgments around their imperfections as a person and partner, or about the rightness of the relationship itself:

  1. Why can’t he get that huge mole on his back removed?
  2. Does her nose-have to whistle whenever she chews? Could I do better?
  3. I just saw a hot guy at Starbucks, so am I in the wrong relationship?
  4. Is he even smart enough for me?
  5. Why aren’t we shmoopy like other couples?
  6. There are times I’d rather look at Instagram than have sex with him. Am I staying in this relationship just to avoid hurting him?
  7. Why don’t I miss her even though I’ve been at Coachella for three days?

The form of anxiety that comes with liking someone is so common that it has its own acronym: ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). The seemingly sublime onset of ROCD has led to many brain-worm Taylor Swift songs and vodka tonics pondering if you’re with the right person. You may avoid taking the next step in your relationship because you can’t get past their perceived flaws, or you might even quit dating altogether because no one seems good enough. You met them on a free dating app, after all.

ROCD has been receiving increasing research and clinical attention as a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in which the sufferer experiences intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality, and nature of their love for their partner. As with other forms of OCD, the fixations in ROCD focus on issues of doubt and an intense discomfort with uncertainty.

These obsessions often contain responding compulsive behaviors to include seeking reassurances or gauging one’s own feelings, comparing characteristics of one’s partner with those of other potential mates, or avoidance actions. The compulsions, which are intended to lessen the distress caused by unwanted thoughts, can take forms such as regularly asking friends or family if you have made the “right” choice in your partner; comparing your relationship to a previous exciting (often unhealthy) relationship, Internet searches about “the one,” finding that sex is a chore or eating a sandwich during sex, while fixated on that back mole or eyebrow shrub.

Relationships in which one partner has ROCD can be chaotic, ending in the sad, ironic twist that the dread of hurting or losing one’s partner often results in both.

From Where Does ROCD Arise?

You position your companion against idealistic projections of “real” love from episodes of The Bachelor, royal weddings, or the seething sexual chemistry in Trojan™ personal lubricant commercials. This is exacerbated by dating apps like Tinder and OK Cupid which have created an atmosphere of seemingly endless options, short-attention-span-dating, and The BBD (bigger, better, deal). We have commoditized ourselves, and dating has become transactional. It’s no wonder that our anxiety surrounding relationships, commitment, and marriage has shot up, while the principles of love and marriage run askew.

Add to this the notion of “soulmates,” which further ups the relationship anxiety ante. There’s a fantasy that guides many into seeking idyllic partners or soulmates. If you could find that perfect match you’ll be guaranteed a lifetime of relationship bliss, right?

Nope.

Research by Aurora University psychologist Renae Franiuk who studies people’s beliefs about their intimate partnerships, called “Implicit Theories of Relationships,” says “People who believe in soul mates may be setting themselves up for a lifetime of heartache and failed relationships. If you operate according to the soulmate theory of relationships, you constantly evaluate your dating partners against the idealized image of the man or woman who will be the one true love of your life. Once you’re in a relationship, even without your knowing it, you perform constant comparisons between the actual person you’re with and that ideal one-true-love model in your mind.”

There is a persistent idea that when we choose someone to be a long-term partner, s/he will be an incredible lover, hold fireside chats about Tolstoy, and take long beach saunters while sharing kale smoothies. OCD demands that there be no doubt in a person’s mind whether s/he has chosen the right person. To the ROCD sufferer, their obsession is, “I must know unequivocally that my partner is the absolute one for me.” This belief is steeped in anxiety. The anxiety, in turn, compels the person to engage in the compulsive behaviors in a vain attempt to arrive at certainty.

How to Counter ROCD:

The goal is to reduce ROCD symptoms enough to reach an informed decision regarding your relationship. Implement any of the following skills to move toward inner peace:

1. Let go or be dragged.

Radically accept that there is no way to know with 100% certainty whether any relationship will work out for the long-haul. If they make you happy, and you share similar values and goals, then Yahtzee! We all have flaws, and no relationship is perfect.

2. Remember thoughts and feelings do not equal facts.

Remind yourself that all OCD is rooted in irrational fears and lies to you with baseless obsessions, rituals, and ruminations. Just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true. And, if you have experienced past OCD symptoms, a relationship can easily become the new focus.

3. Expose yourself.

The most effective form of treatment for ROCD is called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This entails exposing yourself to the thoughts, images, objects, and situations that make you anxious and cue your obsessions, while not engaging in a compulsive behavior in attempts to alleviate the angst. For example, if you’re claustrophobic, take the elevator, not the stairs.

4. Daisy chain your obsessions.

If you mentally play-out the calamitous beliefs causing you distress, you will negate their power over you. For each obsession, ask “And what’s the worst that can happen?” until you get to the end and see that the worst result is not catastrophic. ROCD includes a gross overestimation of the negative consequences of staying in relationships or being alone.

5. Stop the comparisons.

Comparison is the fastest route to misery. Stop researching or collaborating with others about the fit of your partner. Check-in with yourself whenever you find you’re ruminating about the relationship. This includes comparing your real relationship with those nauseating social media versions that you can “thumbs-up” later when they inevitably split.

Attraction and arousal wax and wane. Expecting yourself to always find your partner attractive, or to always be interested in sex is setting yourself up for discontent.

6. Realize that risk is scary, but regret is scarier.

Be willing to sit with the anxiety caused by the thought that you may not be committing to the “right” person. To live life fully one must take risks, or face regrets. Once you stop pursuing a futile quest for certainty, you can move forward. Seeking assurances is a compulsion that increases OCD thinking patterns.

7. Give yourself the present of presence.

Mindfulness is a skill that is practiced and perfected little by little … like using chopsticks to eat a salad. Mindfulness meditation encourages the practitioner to observe wandering thoughts as they drift through the mind. The intention is not to get involved with the thoughts or to judge them, but simply to be aware of each mental note as it arises. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develops and you become Yoda-like.

Don’t worry — meditating is easier than you might think.

Sit or lie comfortably in a quiet setting. Close your eyes. Make no effort to control the breath; just breathe naturally. Maintain your focus and attention on your breath and on how your body moves with each inhalation and exhalation. Each time your mind drifts to your thoughts, refocus back to your breaths.

8. Grab a pen and get mighty.

Research has shown that journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively and even improve your health. University of Texas at Austin psychologist and researcher James Pennebaker found that regular journaling strengthens immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Writing about stressful events helps you accept them, thereby reducing the impact of the stressors on your mental and physical health.

9. Remember that you cannot control your thoughts.

And that’s okay! It may appear that you can, but it only backfires with more obsessions and compulsions. What matters is what we do with our thoughts. Pay attention to your breathing and notice where in your body you are feeling the melee. Stay with that for a few minutes. Then notice where you feel the most comfortable. Then stay with that. Shift back and forth slowly for about 15 minutes. Do this every day.

10. Get by with a little help.

Notice your past relationships. How often have similar doubts shown up in your life? If there is a pattern, do not break off the relationship until you have practiced these skills, or consulted with a professional therapist. Like other OCD symptoms, relationship OCD symptoms require psychological intervention if causing significant distress.

If you’re in a place where you’re ready to reach out for help, consider online therapy.

What’s Under His Suit? Depression and Anxiety (as featured at PsychCentral.com)

Let’s get candid about male mental health.

Men don’t get a lot of compassion — not as a gender, not toward one another, and not toward ourselves. We are the more impulsive, less refined gender that has not progressed much since our cave-dwelling days. We’ve learned to use a salad fork since then, however, and we pretend to enjoy chivalry.

Sadly — and perhaps due to our ruffian status — men are often perceived as an expendable lot, regularly sent to do life’s dirty work like unclogging municipal sewers, diffusing IEDs, repossessing tractors, or mining for coal and ore miles below Earth’s surface. When duty calls, somewhere a willing man answers.

It is our own culture that depicts men as the stronger sex.

This might be true when it comes to opening new bottles of ketchup, or scaling a tree to save a kitten. But when it comes to our mental health, men are subjected to a culture where the standards of masculinity are literally making us sick. Men make up most suicides, and the minority of mental health service users.

It’s a misnomer that men have only two feelings: hungry and horny. Male anxiety, depression, and suicide has become a silent crisis, and one of the biggest challenges in combating mental health disorders in men is that they are difficult to reach through traditional methods, like physicians or mental health programs. Moreover, the condition is often masked by risky behaviors, self-harm, and substance abuse.

Anxiety and depression run feral and cloaked within men everywhere. Most just channel or compartmentalize it while it individually displays as forms of fatigue or apathy; insomnia or lethargy; substance abuse; irritability; conflict and anger; isolation; impulsivity and risky behaviors; mood swings; relationship and job problems; denial; self-criticism; aches, pains, or digestive problems; indecision; and suicidal thoughts.

I personally distracted from my anxiety and depression with feats of athleticism and binge drinking, resulting in 13 orthopedic surgeries and countless broken bones. I had no choice but to become a writer. My hands were the only thing not in a cast or physical therapy.

Emotions have no gender.

Most men are too obstinate or ashamed to seek help for anything involving our head except a nail from a pneumatic gun or balding. Sadly, men must hide behind the facades they feel pressed to create. Men have come to accept many things, but being considered weak isn’t one of them. Yet forms of anxiety like PTSD are diseases of the tough-minded.

Mental disorders and illness don’t care if you’re a war vet, foreman, or florist. They’re an indiscriminate mind sweeper. It can happen to anyone, any age and any gender. And it’s not just “all in your head.” It’s a medical problem that can wreak havoc 24/7 like any other ailment on any other organ.

How to Mind Your Mind:

JUST DO IT … LATER. Mental breaks increase productivity, replenish attention, solidify memories and encourage creativity. Schedule downtime to do nothing. Consider practicing some relaxation techniques. This can include simple meditative breathing exercises, or guided meditations available on YouTube or via smartphone apps. The best way to get your brain and body to work at their peak is to take rest breaks.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE IS THE NEW DENIAL. One option you have for any problem is Radical Acceptance (Linehan, 1993). Radical acceptance is about radically accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot change. Radically and mindfully accept that you cannot control everything, and let life live you.

COFFEE AND BOOZE LIE TO YOU. Caffeine sets unrealistic expectations of your daily productivity and can spike anxiety. Though low doses (200 mg) of caffeine is known to improve cognitive performance, studies revealhigher anxiety levels in moderate and high caffeine consumers versus abstainers.

On the other hand, alcohol is a depressant which slows down the brain and the central nervous system’s processes. Alcohol may help deal with stress in the short term, but long term it can contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety and make stress harder to deal with.

LET ME HEAR YOUR BODY TALK. Exercise is a phenomenal antidepressant and anti-anxiety tool. Channel nervous energy, stress, and even depression into a regular exercise program. More than the physical upside, there is the social aspect in structure, and seeing regulars and friends. Exercise improves mental health by reducing anxiety, depression, and stress, while improving self-esteem and cognitive functioning (Richardson CR, Faulkner G, and McDevitt J. Et al. Psychiatric Serv. 2005 56:324–331).

YOUR BED IS A TIME MACHINE TO PANCAKES. Serial killers are just regular people on too little sleep. Promote good sleep hygiene. Get to bed early and at the same time each night. Turn off the electronics to turn off your brain. Sleep problems greatly exacerbate stress and anxiety. Research indicates that REM sleep may play an especially significant role in maintaining emotional well-being and psychological balance.

YOUR CHEAT MEAL SHOULDN’T BE A MONTH LONG. Some say that you can’t spell “salad” without “sad.” But there is a direct correlation between a healthy diet and a positive mindset. During times of stress, we often turn to traditional “comfort” foods like fast food, pizza, and ice cream, which make us feel sluggish and less able to deal with stress. Brain food such as the antioxidants in fruits and vegetables, is thought to improve cognitive function, and can be used at preventing or treating many stress-related mental disorders (The Journal of Medical Investigation, Vol. 51, 2004).

PLUG YOUR BEAK. By controlling your breathing, you will slow your heartbeat and eliminate anxiety and panic. Try alternate nostril breathing (aka, yogic breathing). This is a simple, natural breathing technique from Ayurvedic medicine that brings the body and mind into a state of balance and neutrality. Close one nostril by placing your thumb gently over it. Exhale; then inhale through the uncovered nostril. After each inhale/exhale (a breath cycle), switch sides. Then, leading with your out-breath, do one out-breath followed by one in-breath through each nostril. Repeat this series, alternating nostrils after each inhalation. It will likely be easier to breathe through one nostril than the other. You’re not deformed. It’s normal.

I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL THANK YOU. Being grateful by focusing on gratitude improves physical health. According to a 2012 study published in Personality and Individual Differences, grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and report feeling healthier. Not only does gratitude do the obvious work of increasing how much positive emotion we feel, it just as importantly robs the negative energy that is the driving force of why we feel so bad. Cite three things for which you are grateful each day, no matter how small.

BECOME A FREAK OF NATURE. A 2015 Stanford study found quantifiable evidence that walking in nature can reduce stress and lead to a lower risk of depression. By 2050, 70% of people will live in urban areas. Urbanization is associated with increased levels of mental illness, but it’s not yet clear why.

PHONE A FREUD. There is no shame in seeking help. If stress, anxiety, or depression disrupts your life or daily activities, get a mental spotter. It is imperative to know when to seek professional help. The easiest index to use is if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning. Make an appointment with your doctor or a mental health provider because you may need treatment to get better. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment for anxiety. Self-medicating is not. You can find a trustworthy mental health professional HERE.

Don’t believe everything your mind tells you.

ANXIETY: Find the Humor, Find the Cure (as featured at ADAA.com, March 2018)

The first time I saw a flameless cigarette lighter anywhere but a car was on an enclosed patio wall of the Oakland psychiatric facility where my therapist had sent me due to anxiety and depression. Smoking was the only vice afforded to us. Though even while despondent, I wasn’t interested in adding nicotine to a budding alcohol addiction. Perhaps I had hope after all.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. – Friedrich Nietzsche

I left triage a few days later, knowing the next bout of crippling anxiety or profound depression was a breakup or mere bad day away. I had no more coping skills than I did before arriving. Beyond therapy and medication, I needed to find a motive to get right with the world and somehow thrive.

I began to journal and noticed a subtle pattern throughout my anxious behaviors. Humor. Many of my anxiety-related mannerisms are dysfunctional, but laughable and cathartic. By way of example:

  1. I have never sat on a public toilet – including hotel rooms. I now have sturdy quads.
  2. I wear medical exam gloves during gym workouts. Dumbbells and people are filthy.
  3. I have extraordinary ability (aka, Spidey-sense) to detect and avert imminent danger. Though not exactly crucial in my quiet suburb.
  4. I go to notable lengths to avoid shaking hands with someone – like feigning leprosy, or resorting to casual fist-bumps in formal situations.
  5. I will walk 50-yards around anyone that coughs or sneezes indoors, or leave the building and my reason for being there entirely.
  6. When someone in my condo complex recently reported bedbugs, I immediately packed and moved. I no longer share walls. Or the potential for vermin.

Mark Twain was prescient in stating, “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.” Studies confirm that laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a chemical in the brain that creates a sense of joy. These endorphins counter the adrenaline and cortisol that fill the anxious. The calmer we are, the more we remain in rational or positive mind.

Moreover, humor is clinically validated to reduce stress long-term by improving the immune system through the release of neuropeptides, relieving pain, increasing personal satisfaction, and lessening depression and anxiety (source: Mayo Clinic, April 21, 2016). The simple act of smiling causes the brain to release dopamine, which in turn makes us feel happy.

Our thoughts affect our body, and vice versa. Anxiety in the mind creates a stress response in the body. Conversely, calming the body will yield positive cerebral results. All physiological functions are linked, and the mind-body connection is especially strong.

Perhaps most impactful to the sufferer, however, is that humor provides a unique and unrivaled perspective that shifts our thinking away from despair and toward the awareness that a radically different outcome is possible. Humor is the most accessible form of relief. It may initially feel counterintuitive to associate humor with misery. But sourcing the comical manifestations can separate you from your affliction. It’s also how I salvaged my life.

So how do you find the lighter or even amusing side of a debilitating disorder? First recognize that what you’re feeling might be an irrational anxiety. Now dig a bit deeper. What are the potentially laughable nuances of your anxiety? Maybe you occasionally freak-out when you text someone about something seemingly dire and don’t hear back for a while. Your rumination and worry churns into resounding panic, yielding a volley of additional texts – all met with successive silence. Next you concoct a series of worst-case scenarios about why they’re not responding to you; not limited to them driving off a bluff while reading your original text, or deciding they just don’t like you anymore. And just as you’re texting a coup de gras, they reply. It’s like the Heavens opened and gossamer-winged angels descend upon you because it came with a heart emoji.

Alternatively, perhaps you get uncomfortable during long pauses in a conversation. Even a few moments feel far too angst-ridden, so you fill the void with a non-sequitur about your husband’s botched hysterectomy, or you ask your boss how her divorce is going. Your attempts at social stimulus are met with chirping crickets. And, now scorn. Embrace your angst with a cozy smattering of acceptance, and remember that Humor = Calamity + Time. Gain some intellectual distance from your anxiety, and you’ll start to perceive the humor within your anxious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

When you acknowledge your anxiety, and detach yourself from it (i.e., you are not your anxiety), you can then take note of the humor. In turn, you will feel a sense of control over your anguish. Find the humor, and you’ll feel the hope for a better state of mind.

 It is well known that humor, more than anything else in the human make-up, can afford an aloofness and an ability to rise above any situation, even if only for a few seconds. – Viktor Frankl

20 Pros & Cons of Social Media Use (as seen in “Success Magazine,” December 2017)

My generation grew up in an era not known for leaps in technological advances. The lack of fun, lithium-ion powered iThings forced us to engage in antiquated traditions like going outside, socializing or reading. On the upside, living offline allowed us to keep screw-ups to limited audiences. We also experienced less bullying, anxiety and depression than later peers.

Today, we often perceive anyone who shuns social media as old or out of touch. However, they might be the most mentally fit among us. In reality, most people have little awareness of the frequency with which they check their phones. In a 2015 study, participants checked their phones an average of 85 times each day and spent 5.05 hours per day using their smartphone. This is concerning because several studies and researchers have associated social media with several psychiatric disorders, including depressive symptoms, anxiety and low self-esteem.

Consider these 10 notable pro and con stances regarding social media use.

PROS:

  1. Messaging on social media sites can lead to face-to-face interactions when plans are made via the sites.
  2. Social media increases voter participation and facilitates political change.
  3. Social media helps reduce loneliness of senior citizens who are socially isolated.
  4. Social media allows for quick diffusion of public health and safety information during crisis events.
  5. The U.S. military and the Department of Veterans Affairs use social media to help prevent suicide.
  6. Social media can help disarm social stigmas like anxiety or depression.
  7. Crowdsourcing on social media allows people to attain a goal, empowering users to achieve positive change.
  8. Social media provides academic research to a wider audience, allowing people access to previously inaccessible educational resources.
  9. Social media sites can help improve overall well-being by providing users with a large social group creating a “contagion” effect.
  10. Professional networking sites like LinkedIn greatly assist companies to find personnel and job seekers to find work.

CONS:

  1. Social media posts cannot be entirely deleted.
  2. Social media can endanger our military, journalists and activists.
  3. Social media use is associated with personality and brain disorders.
  4. Students who are heavy social media users tend to have lower grades.
  5. Social media can exacerbate feelings of disconnect and put children at higher risk for anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders and even suicide.
  6. Criminals can use social media to commit and promote crimes.
  7. Social media can be a drain on time and use up hours that you can’t get back.
  8. Advertising practices of social media sites may create an invasion of privacy.
  9. Social media facilitates sexting, which can lead to revenge porn, criminal charges and a proliferation of personal images.
  10. Social media use can cause personality and brain disorders, ADHD and self-centered personalities—particularly in youth.

Clinical psychologist and author of The Teen Girl’s Survival Guide, Dr. Lucie Hemmen writes that, “Most people experience huge benefits from taking a social media break. There is a way in which cultivating and maintaining your online identity can replace an authentic connection to your true self. The more grounded you are in your authentic value as a human being, the less likely you are to be a heavy user of social media and also to be negatively affected by it.”

For example, if you know that your value is deeper and more complex than what you post and how many likes and comments you receive, then you are probably social media resilient.

The more grounded you are in your authentic value as a human being, the less likely you are to be a heavy user of social media and also to be negatively affected by it.

Grab Your Coat – it’s Breakup Season!

This is the time of year that Americans pack on a pound or few, while a quiet majority actually loses weight. Like an average of an entire boyfriend/girlfriend.

Fall is summer’s hangover. During summer we are often busy with vacations, events, outings, and cruising through the long, action-packed days of our relationships. Any musings whether or not we want to stay with someone are filed away for later appraisal. Come November, when we set the clocks back, a disproportionate number also set their relationships back … to over. Sometimes all that holds a summer connection together is a late August trip to Sea World. Enough distraction can make the most dysfunctional tryst last too long. Oftentimes a willing, warm body is better than the quest for one.

And for those longing for a summer wedding of their own – or at least an engagement – the close of another summer brings the realization that it won’t happen for another calendar year. Therein buds the seeds of relational doubt.

People take this instance to end it because the idea of spending another holiday unhappy is unbearable. According to social media status updates, the first seasonal breakup peak, coined the “Spring Clean,” goes down in March. But the biggest love purge befalls about two weeks before the winter holidays. Fall is love’s laxative. At least take a turkey leg on your way out.

“Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest.”

Dumping someone over a holiday like Thanksgiving is harsh. And doing it over the December Holidays just makes you a hole in the ass. But it yields timeless tunes like “Blue Christmas” (Elvis); “Another Lonely Christmas” (Prince and the Revolution); “Last Christmas” (WHAM!) or the lesser known classic “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” (Tom Waits). The list of Holiday breakup songs is long; each marinated in tears and Paxil.

Breakups suck. So does starting a new year with someone best relegated to the annals of boyfriend/girlfriend history. And if you don’t do it by the New Year, you’ll be a Valentine’s Day dumper, which will result in unsavory karmic mojo. So if you’re not willing to stick it out through the candy hearts and edible undies, than you’ve got to extract in early fall. Most of us – particularly men – are too oblivious to take note of any relationship discontent. We’re busy with snow sports and putting on a high-caloric winter coat.

“… We interrupt this relationship to bring you football and snowmobiling season.”

I’d love to convey all the scientific attributes to the fall peak in breakups, but love doesn’t make sense. Neither did the pilgrims. But if I were to guess, I’d say it can be ascribed to any of the following:

  • He didn’t like your family.
  • She’s a vegan and you won’t stop eating chicken tenders in bed.
  • He gets wasted every New Year’s Eve and promises this will be his year of steady employment.
  • She makes you attend Ugly Sweater parties and you’re allergic to cotton-knit blends … and fun.
  • It’s snowboard season and you’d like to find a new snow-bunny.
  • She makes you axe-murder a 20-foot Douglas fir to adorn in tinsel to slowly watch die indoors.
  • On trips home to see your family, he claps whenever the plane lands.

The coming season is a check-in marker: Do I want to spend the New Year with this person? The holidays can be quite stressful on romantic relationships due to time constraints, high expectations, financial strain, and fruitcake. Celebrating meaningfully is hard to do with someone you are ready to break up with, or who is ready to break up with you. As devastating the timing and blow, it’s better to know.

Dating sites typically report January as the peak time for new members. If things must end now, at least you’ll have a couple of months to grieve before reinventing yourself, full of vigor in the New Year. There are other upsides to a fall breakup. There is a good chance you will have family and friends on which to lean over the Holidays. Misery loves company and stuff. And though you may be asking yourself with whom you’ll play Naughty Santa or drunk-kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve, you weren’t always a love-duo during the Holidays. There was a time that you rolled like a Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Lawrence through Diwali, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Christmas. You reveled in merriment and the cockles of your heart were independently warmed.

ME: “I want a unicorn for Christmas.”
SANTA: “Be realistic.”
ME: “Okay, I want a girlfriend.”
SANTA: “What color do you want your unicorn?”

In my own Holiday breakup, I was dating a beautiful, thirty-something blonde in San Francisco named “Katie.” We had been dating exclusively for a few months, and I was excited about our potential future. It was early December, and I opted to surprise her with a pricey and shapely conifer. It was pretty the sexiest farm-raised tree I’d ever seen. I plunked down the cash, lovingly placed it in my truck and made the hour drive north to San Francisco, where I triple-parked on a sidewalk just to get it into her tiny, $3,700 per month studio where, once untethered, it filled all 450 sq. feet. By morning, however, our relationship ended when she picked a huge argument while in a fit of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I never saw her or the tree again. I still miss the scent. Of the tree.

How to Keep Your Post-Breakup Holiday Swagger:

  1. Spend time with family. They know all your deviancies and flaws, and still love you.
  2. Rum and eggnog.
  3. Volunteer! It’s the perfect time to start a giving tradition. And you might meet a hottie at the soup kitchen with a heart as big as yours. Start HERE.
  4. Take a Holiday trip. Not to the mall, but to Bali or anywhere with vast stretches of white sand, brown legs, and neon drinks.
  5. Breakup calories don’t count if eating your emotions makes you feel better. But go easy. You’ll hate yourself come spring when you can’t see your knees.
  6. Learn to make candles. Everyone loves a candle. Maybe not – but I do. So send them to me.
  7. Make a kick-ass music playlist to keep you amped. Nothing you listened to together, and no garbage like Maroon 5 or Adam Levine not marooned.
  8. Once you put down the powdered rum balls, hit the gym or trails. Make exercise and yourself a priority
  9. Pay no mind to the seemingly happy couples you see canoodling during the Holidays. Statistically, there is a 50% chance they’re headed for similar demise at some point.
  10. Most importantly, fill your social calendar. Not with binge-drinking events like SantaCon – but substantial time with people who matter. Holiday breakup buddies are vital.
  11. Do the opposite of what your sadness or breakup depression is driving you to do, like be alone. It’s the perfect time to make the new year all about you and your comeback.

And try to skip rebound sex under the presumption that, “The quickest way over one, is under another.” This is a brief distractor that invariably turns into date-therapy and sound-boarding your woes on to some innocent sex-philanthropist gracious enough to get naked with this dejected version of you. Your sole focus is limiting carnage to yourself or some unwary prey from Tinder or Bumble. This type of “cleansing the sex palate” often leads to things like herpes and child support.

“I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going well, Like…it’s working out. I think I’m the one.”  – Emily Heller

20 Stealthy Mental Filters That Are Sabotaging You (as seen in “Success Magazine,” October 2017)

There is no upside to negative thinking. It does not prep you for life events, ward off malicious mojo or prevent worrisome outcomes. It does the opposite. It also causes face furrows, addictions, mental disorders, insomnia and heart disease. Most of us unknowingly use automatic thought distortions (aka, mental filters) to subvert ourselves. When we stop, we become models of happiness, positive energy and efficiency.

A mental filter is one type of cognitive distortion. It is a biased way of thinking about ourselves or the world around us. The core issue lies within the troubling emotional states and behaviors yielded by these irrational thoughts and beliefs that include unpleasant mental states and behaviors like anxiety, depression and conflicts.

There are dozens of common mental filters we use within our daily lives. Here are 20 that will directly inhibit or prevent your daily joy and successes.

  1. Negative predicting involves foretelling the future in a negative light. There are typically just as many reasons something can go right. Assuming you will nervously botch an upcoming presentation is just a thought steeped in pessimism. Channel that nervous energy into poise and a standing O.
  2. Unrelenting standards is the mindset that extremely high standards are required to avoid calamity. There are often no measurable benefits of doing a task beyond a basic acceptable level, and many such tasks exceed opportunity costs. The question is not, “‘Does anal retentive’ have a hyphen?” The question is, “Does it matter?”
  3. Black and white thinking allows no middle ground or shades of gray. It’s a “nothing succeeds like excess” sort of mindset. Such polarized thinking fails to recognize that there are usually other reasonable options. If you insist on all or nothing, you will likely end up with nothing.
  4. Musterbation involves having steadfast rules about how you and others should or must behave. The emotional consequence when expectations are not met is anger, frustration, resentments and guilt. The road to hell is paved with “shoulds” and “oughts.”
  5. Self-serving bias. For many, being right is more important than the facts or feelings of others. However, this thinking pattern has deep consequences such as alienation from others, and a difficulty in forming and sustaining healthy relationships. Do you want to be peaceful, or do you want to be lonely and right?
  6. Basing future decisions on sunk costs. Whether a tanking stock, a bad relationship or a failing business, cutting losses is tough. Sunk costs occur due to emotional attachments that lead to irrational investing despite mounting losses. Sort of like casino gambling.
  7. Fallacy of fairness distortion assumes that things have to be measured based on fairness and equality, when in reality things often don’t work that way. Life isn’t fair for everyone, so doesn’t that make life fair?
  8. Underestimating coping ability to handle negative events is a mindset of many who have not previously been held to the fire. What doesn’t kill you gives you coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.
  9. Entitlement is a filter that causes the belief that the same rules that apply to others should not apply to you. You can’t spell “entitlement” without “i” and “me.” But imagine a world where a sense of service and gratitude replaced entitlement and expectation.
  10. Repeating the same behavior hoping for different results is Einstein’s definition of insanity. For example, expecting that if you keep nagging your direct reports that they will meet deadlines, when it hasn’t happened yet.
  11. Personalizing is a thought distortion and belief that things others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to you. This type of thinking can also cause you to blame yourself for things outside your control. You can’t please everyone. You’re not pizza.
  12. Blaming is the opposite of personalizing, but a lot more satisfying. Blaming is a mental filter where you hold other people responsible for your adversities.
  13. In-group bias is a tendency to trust and respect people who are like you more than those from different backgrounds and experiences. For an enriching paradigm shift, consider tapping into the brain trust of those outside your circle of influence. Smart and inclusive looks good on anyone.
  14. Overthinking is a mindset that worry and rumination will lead to solutions. Overthinking can actually impair our problem-solving ability and is a direct route to unhappiness. If you question the answers too many times, you will never answer the questions.
  15. Multitasking doesn’t extend beyond peeing in the shower. When you are multitasking, you are actually task (and attention) shifting. We are born to monotask. Multitasking is doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.
  16. Failure to chill. According to a report by job site Glassdoor, only 23 percent of workers surveyed said they used all of their paid time off in the last 12 months. Taking the time to revitalize reduces anxiety and depression while increasing productivity. You need more than just restroom breaks.
  17. Cheating on your goals in lieu of making it up later. Spending workdays on your fantasy football draft with plans to make it up later in the week is self-sabotage. Often, your planned positive behaviors never happen. Goals come in two flavors: one day or day one. You decide.
  18. Doubling-down on a failed strategy hoping it will eventually yield positive results. Long ago, Kenny Rogers taught us, “You got to know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em.” There is a fine line between genius and insanity. Don’t erase that line.
  19. Catastrophizing is being extremely well educated about all the things that could go wrong while always expecting the worst. A person who is catastrophizing might lose a sale and instantly think he or she will be fired and live in a van eating ramen and regret.
  20. “I can’t change my way of thinking.” Rather than convincing yourself that changing mentalities is too hard, aim for small reductions in your negative automatic thoughts, at 10 percent, for example. You will immediately obtain benefits while working toward the goal. You can still see the glass as half-full. Just not half-full of poison.

How to Change Thinking Patterns and Cognitive Distortions

Thought patterns and mental filters change through a process called cognitive restructuring or reframing. By adjusting your automatic thoughts each day, you can influence your emotions and behaviors.

  • Identify your automatic negative thoughts (cognitive distortions).

Create a list of your troublesome thoughts. An examination of your cognitive distortions allows you to recognize which distortions you favor.

  • What—if any—evidence is there to support them?

Try to identify the basis for your distorted thoughts, and then challenge them. What evidence do you truly have to support these beliefs? There are likely far more instances where you had success and things went well.

  • Peer review.

Seek the opinions of others about whether your thoughts and outlooks are accurate. If you truly believe that your colleagues have it in for you, refer to a few trusted peers for objectivity.

  • Find the shades of gray.

Rather than thinking about your situation in a black or white polarity, assess things on a scale of 0 to 100. Things not materialized can be seen as partial successes rather than failures. Those partial victories are the savory gradations.

Don’t believe everything you think.