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If You Want to Know What’s Really Going on in Boys’ Heads, Ask Their BFFs (as featured in Good Housekeeping)

Boys talk honestly with their besties about friendship, social media, and what they wish adults knew.

If there’s one situation where boys do show empathy, compassion, and openness, it’s when they’re with their best friends. And that type of relationship has to be protected: In a report published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence, NYU Professor Niobe Way found that more than 85% of American adolescent boys, interviewed over more than 20 years, described their close male friendships as a kind of deep and emotion-based love.

However, her research showed that while boys often had intimate male friendships during early and middle adolescence, they typically lost such friendships by late adolescence, even though they continued to want them. It’s important, then, that we teach our boys how to value and nurture their friendships. And the good news is that some already do. Here, a look at the world of boys through their BFFs.

“We get in a big fight, and then a few minutes later we stop and we’re nice to each other again.”

How did you become friends?
Patrick, 9 ½: We’re neighbors and we live right next to each other.
Quinn, 9: I was getting bored with the other kids on the street and became friends with Patrick after he moved in.

What do you think it takes to be a good friend?
Patrick: Trust, loyalty, and kindness.
Quinn: Kindness, honesty, and helpfulness.

What drives your parents crazy when you’re together?
Patrick: We watch really annoying videos, we talk loudly, we make obnoxious noises.
Quinn: And we play together for almost a whole day.

What do you do when you fight?
Quinn: We get in a big fight, and then a few minutes later we stop and we’re nice to each other again.
Patrick: Or we take a time out from each other for two or three days, but one of us comes crawling back a few days later.

“I wish adults knew the pressure of social media and cyberbullying in this day and age.”

When did you first become friends?
Chayse, 11: We met each other in kindergarten, but became really close in fourth grade.

What’s the best advice he’s ever given you?
Nicholas, 12: To keep my head up and do not let anyone bring it down.
Chayse: Nick stops me from getting in trouble. There was a boy that always irritated me in fifth grade and once I was so upset, I wanted to fight him. Nick stopped me and told me I was better than that and that I shouldn’t get myself in trouble.

What do you wish adults knew about what it’s like to be a boy today?
Nicholas: I wish adults knew the pressure of social media and cyberbullying in this day and age. It’s real.
Chayse: It’s also scary being a black boy today because some people think we are bad based on the color of our skin, and I don’t want someone to hurt me as a result of their own beliefs which are untrue.

What kind of pressure are you dealing with right now that you don’t think past generations have had to deal with?
Nicholas: Technology and posting on social media. Sometimes people I’ve never met write not-flattering things on social media posts. We call it trolling.
Chayse: I think people in my generation have to deal with cyberbullying a lot more than past generations.

“Sometimes we hug, or bro-hug, or pat each other’s backs when we’re playing football.”

What do you like most about each other?
Ethan, 11: He is thoughtful and a good friend. If someone asked him to play, he doesn’t want to play without me. When people are mean to him, he doesn’t overreact — he just ignores them. He also doesn’t care what people think of him. Like if someone calls him names, he doesn’t care. Some may call him gay or jerk or mean, or the p-word [pussy] because he doesn’t want to get into a fight. He keeps it chill and just walks away. He calls me over, and we just go play other games.
Gage, 11: His laugh makes me laugh; he sounds like a squirrel. I like that he’s kind to my family, and he uses his manners. I like that he also doesn’t like to fight. One time when we were playing football at recess, a boy was going to punch Ethan, but I blocked the punch and got in trouble for fighting. The school called my mom, but she didn’t get mad because I was protecting my friend.

Has anyone ever made fun of you for being so close?
Ethan: Yes, some have called us gay because we hang out a lot. They’re probably jealous because they don’t have a good friend like me. Sometimes when they see that we hug each other, they say things.
Gage: Sometimes we hug, or bro-hug, or pat each other’s backs when we’re playing football. The other boys say, “That’s weird,” or “You’re gay.” We just get mad and walk away and keep playing football.

What’s the best advice he’s ever given you?
Ethan: Don’t listen to what other people say. Also, once he told me that I shouldn’t let people be so mean to me. That I shouldn’t be afraid to stand up for myself. He didn’t understand how I can always stand up for others and defend others, but I don’t stand up for myself. He says I should not be afraid to tell people to stop messing with me, just like I tell them to stop messing with my friends.
Gage: Ethan helps me with my school work in class. He tells me there’s an easier way to do something than what I’ve usually been doing. I think he doesn’t want me to get bad grades.

“With social media, we have a pressure to portray ourselves as better than we are because we’re always in the spotlight.”

How did you meet?
Joshua, 16: We met at an after-school program called Young at Arts when I was in fifth grade and he was in fourth grade and we just became friends. We both love theater and singing.

How can boys of any age become better at showing care and empathy towards other guys?
Patrick, 16: They should be honest with each other and not try and be a fake person about how they are feeling. The general portrayal of a male friendship is that they aren’t that close — that they talk to each other but don’t talk about their feelings.
Joshua: I agree. There’s been a stigma for a long time that guys aren’t supposed to show their emotions. When you see a boy’s friendship portrayed in a movie or on TV you see them hanging out and watching sports or talking about girls, where girls are shown talking about their day and caring about how their friend’s day was, too. It doesn’t have to be like that. It’s ok for a guy to tell their guy friend that they had a really bad day and it’s ok for him to just be there for you.

What kind of pressure are you dealing with right now that you don’t think past generations have had to deal with?
Patrick: With social media, we have a pressure to portray ourselves as better than we are because we’re always in the spotlight.
Joshua: Everyone always knows what you are doing now — especially with Snap Maps — and I think that’s really annoying. Everyone knows where you are and while you are out there trying to make yourself happy, you have to worry about everyone knowing everything about you at all times. It’s a lot of pressure.

“Other than my father, they were the first guys I ever said the words, ‘I love you, man’.”

Has anyone ever made fun of you for being so close?
Taylor: Never. We’ve been ride-or-die forever. We’ve actually been told that our friendship is something others have envied.
Riggins: And if they did, I wouldn’t care! I appreciate the bond I have with these two gentlemen.
Dixon: I’ve spoken to people who commend us on our friendship, even though we aren’t physically close.

Why do you think your friendship has stood the test of time?
Taylor: I guess the reality of it is that we’re brothers … but closer. To be honest, other than my father, they were the first guys I ever said the words, “I love you, man,“ to! It’s not something we shy away from saying. It’s not said all the time, but when it’s said it is meant.

Riggins: We all extremely different, but it works for us! For example, I’m the attractive one out of the group, and they understand that! Just kidding! … Partially! Honestly, we are different. But our differences bring us together and make up for the weaknesses the other may have.

How did you keep the friendship going as your lives got busier?
Taylor: In 1993, I left for college, and we maintained contact. I would call them just as much as I would my parents — probably more. Nothing has changed between us. All of us are fathers, Ace got married, I got married… life happens… but we’ve never lost a beat.
Dixon: There are times when months go by and we don’t talk due to the hustle and bustle of life. Eventually we always find some time to check-up on each and see how things are going.
Riggins: Sometimes we just call each other knowing that the other can’t talk, with the hopes that we can leave a long winded message talking about how the other person is ugly and has bad breath.

In your opinion, how can boys of any age become better at showing care and empathy towards other guys?
Dixon: I think being able to understand that males can be close if they do have empathy for each other can propel close male bonds. Wearing your emotions on your sleeve is okay and confiding in a close male friend is a powerfully positive step forward. Being able to express your true feelings regardless of how it seems is perfectly okay.
Taylor: It has to be taught that there is nothing wrong with emotion. It’s easier said than done, to be honest. But as men — especially black men — empathy is important. Someone to openly talk to and trust, without judgement, is hard to find. I’ve told my children it’s cool to have friends, but you need people in your lives like Chris and Ace.

Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body. Unless it’s Cancer … On Your Birthday.

On Burning Bridges and Nuzzling Adversity.

As an adult adoptee, the older I get the more mannerisms I see in myself from my parents. If there’s any question regarding the nature versus nurture debate, I can tell you firsthand that it hardly matters if you’re bought or birthed. By way of example, my brother (Jeff) and I were adopted from separate families and not related beyond sharing a last name, yet we both exhibit considerable features of our parents. If you were to meet Jeff, your first thought would likely be, “This guy’s an asshole, and nothing like his genteel Midwestern parents.” Though, he is fiscally responsible and likes khakis and hotel robes as they do. Whereas, I’m overtly kind, but a tragedy with money, and an aversion to chinos and shared monogrammed clothing.

Though I’ve gleaned countless positive characteristics from my parents, there are two traits I wish I never shared with them: anxiety and cancer – conditions that give no shits about heredity or lack thereof. Anxiety can come via “anxiety seed-planting” through our parents. Most often, however, it’s a result of a genetic predisposition combined with environmental factors. How you arrived at an angst-ridden life is not as important as how you manage one.

My dad, a clear victim of indecisiveness, often had me second-guessing my own choices, or not making one at all. To this day, if he thinks I made a less-than-prime choice, it has me strongly reconsidering – to the point I’m often paralyzed by an Applebee’s lunch menu.

With mom, I currently share the mixed blessing of cancer remission. I’m remarkably gracious to be in remission with her; but uncertain how as an athlete I succumbed to a smoker’s cancer diagnosis on my birthday. Or, far worse – how my mom was hit with an exceptionally rare stage IV breast cancer. I would take hers on if that was ever an option in my regular fantasy where some omnipotent entity grants us the power to switch maladies.

Being in this unique position, I’ve learned that the only thing worse than your own pain is helplessly watching a loved one suffer. The first being purely physical; the latter crushingly emotional. Yet it does not stop me from trying to will health or strength upon her.

There is always an upside or takeaway to every hardship, though it often takes time and distance to source it. In my instance, I am much closer to my parents through our shared experience caring for mom. Adversity also gave me the incentive to leave a dead-end job, and relegate my only sibling to the “acquaintance pool.” Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge. I regularly lean on prayer, daily gratitudes, and striving to stay rooted in the moment. Helpful tactics I would not have learned otherwise.

There is no education like struggle. Suffering is a conduit to empathy and awareness. Adversity yields purpose and refinement in life that can only come from life trials. Hug your family and your hardships. They’re trying to tell you something.

“Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.” – CS Lewis

Grab Your Coat – it’s Breakup Season!

This is the time of year that Americans pack on a pound or few, while a quiet majority actually loses weight. Like an average of an entire boyfriend/girlfriend.

Fall is summer’s hangover. During summer we are often busy with vacations, events, outings, and cruising through the long, action-packed days of our relationships. Any musings whether or not we want to stay with someone are filed away for later appraisal. Come November, when we set the clocks back, a disproportionate number also set their relationships back … to over. Sometimes all that holds a summer connection together is a late August trip to Sea World. Enough distraction can make the most dysfunctional tryst last too long. Oftentimes a willing, warm body is better than the quest for one.

And for those longing for a summer wedding of their own – or at least an engagement – the close of another summer brings the realization that it won’t happen for another calendar year. Therein buds the seeds of relational doubt.

People take this instance to end it because the idea of spending another holiday unhappy is unbearable. According to social media status updates, the first seasonal breakup peak, coined the “Spring Clean,” goes down in March. But the biggest love purge befalls about two weeks before the winter holidays. Fall is love’s laxative. At least take a turkey leg on your way out.

“Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest.”

Dumping someone over a holiday like Thanksgiving is harsh. And doing it over the December Holidays just makes you a hole in the ass. But it yields timeless tunes like “Blue Christmas” (Elvis); “Another Lonely Christmas” (Prince and the Revolution); “Last Christmas” (WHAM!) or the lesser known classic “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” (Tom Waits). The list of Holiday breakup songs is long; each marinated in tears and Paxil.

Breakups suck. So does starting a new year with someone best relegated to the annals of boyfriend/girlfriend history. And if you don’t do it by the New Year, you’ll be a Valentine’s Day dumper, which will result in unsavory karmic mojo. So if you’re not willing to stick it out through the candy hearts and edible undies, than you’ve got to extract in early fall. Most of us – particularly men – are too oblivious to take note of any relationship discontent. We’re busy with snow sports and putting on a high-caloric winter coat.

“… We interrupt this relationship to bring you football and snowmobiling season.”

I’d love to convey all the scientific attributes to the fall peak in breakups, but love doesn’t make sense. Neither did the pilgrims. But if I were to guess, I’d say it can be ascribed to any of the following:

He didn’t like your family.
She’s a vegan and you won’t stop eating chicken tenders in bed.
He gets wasted every New Year’s Eve and promises this will be his year of steady employment.
She makes you attend Ugly Sweater parties and you’re allergic to cotton-knit blends … and fun.
It’s snowboard season and you’d like to find a new snow-bunny.
She makes you axe-murder a 20-foot Douglas fir to adorn in tinsel to slowly watch die indoors.
On trips home to see your family, he claps whenever the plane lands.

The coming season is a check-in marker: Do I want to spend the New Year with this person? The holidays can be quite stressful on romantic relationships due to time constraints, high expectations, financial strain, and fruitcake. Celebrating meaningfully is hard to do with someone you are ready to break up with, or who is ready to break up with you. As devastating the timing and blow, it’s better to know.

Dating sites typically report January as the peak time for new members. If things must end now, at least you’ll have a couple of months to grieve before reinventing yourself, full of vigor in the New Year. There are other upsides to a fall breakup. There is a good chance you will have family and friends on which to lean over the Holidays. Misery loves company and stuff. And though you may be asking yourself with whom you’ll play Naughty Santa or drunk-kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve, you weren’t always a love-duo during the Holidays. There was a time that you rolled like a Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Lawrence through Diwali, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Christmas. You reveled in merriment and the cockles of your heart were independently warmed.

ME: “I want a unicorn for Christmas.”
SANTA: “Be realistic.”
ME: “Okay, I want a girlfriend.”
SANTA: “What color do you want your unicorn?”

In my own Holiday breakup, I was dating a beautiful, thirty-something blonde in San Francisco named “Katie.” We had been dating exclusively for a few months, and I was excited about our potential future. It was early December, and I opted to surprise her with a pricey and shapely conifer. It was pretty the sexiest farm-raised tree I’d ever seen. I plunked down the cash, lovingly placed it in my truck and made the hour drive north to San Francisco, where I triple-parked on a sidewalk just to get it into her tiny, $3,700 per month studio where, once untethered, it filled all 450 sq. feet. By morning, however, our relationship ended when she picked a huge argument while in a fit of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I never saw her or the tree again. I still miss the scent. Of the tree.

How to Keep Your Post-Breakup Holiday Swagger:

Spend time with family. They know all your deviancies and flaws, and still love you.
Rum and eggnog.
Volunteer! It’s the perfect time to start a giving tradition. And you might meet a hottie at the soup kitchen with a heart as big as yours. Start HERE.
Take a Holiday trip. Not to the mall, but to Bali or anywhere with vast stretches of white sand, brown legs, and neon drinks.
Breakup calories don’t count if eating your emotions makes you feel better. But go easy. You’ll hate yourself come spring when you can’t see your knees.
Learn to make candles. Everyone loves a candle. Maybe not – but I do. So send them to me.
Make a kick-ass music playlist to keep you amped. Nothing you listened to together, and no garbage like Maroon 5 or Adam Levine not marooned.
Once you put down the powdered rum balls, hit the gym or trails. Make exercise and yourself a priority
Pay no mind to the seemingly happy couples you see canoodling during the Holidays. Statistically, there is a 50% chance they’re headed for similar demise at some point.
Most importantly, fill your social calendar. Not with binge-drinking events like SantaCon – but substantial time with people who matter. Holiday breakup buddies are vital.
Do the opposite of what your sadness or breakup depression is driving you to do, like be alone. It’s the perfect time to make the new year all about you and your comeback.

And try to skip rebound sex under the presumption that, “The quickest way over one, is under another.” This is a brief distractor that invariably turns into date-therapy and sound-boarding your woes on to some innocent sex-philanthropist gracious enough to get naked with this dejected version of you. Your sole focus is limiting carnage to yourself or some unwary prey from Tinder or Bumble. This type of “cleansing the sex palate” often leads to things like herpes and child support.

“I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going well, Like…it’s working out. I think I’m the one.” – Emily Heller

20 Stealthy Mental Filters That Are Sabotaging You (as seen in “Success Magazine,” October 2017)

There is no upside to negative thinking. It does not prep you for life events, ward off malicious mojo or prevent worrisome outcomes. It does the opposite. It also causes face furrows, addictions, mental disorders, insomnia and heart disease. Most of us unknowingly use automatic thought distortions (aka, mental filters) to subvert ourselves. When we stop, we become models of happiness, positive energy and efficiency.

A mental filter is one type of cognitive distortion. It is a biased way of thinking about ourselves or the world around us. The core issue lies within the troubling emotional states and behaviors yielded by these irrational thoughts and beliefs that include unpleasant mental states and behaviors like anxiety, depression and conflicts.

There are dozens of common mental filters we use within our daily lives. Here are 20 that will directly inhibit or prevent your daily joy and successes.

Negative predicting involves foretelling the future in a negative light. There are typically just as many reasons something can go right. Assuming you will nervously botch an upcoming presentation is just a thought steeped in pessimism. Channel that nervous energy into poise and a standing O.
Unrelenting standards is the mindset that extremely high standards are required to avoid calamity. There are often no measurable benefits of doing a task beyond a basic acceptable level, and many such tasks exceed opportunity costs. The question is not, “‘Does anal retentive’ have a hyphen?” The question is, “Does it matter?”
Black and white thinking allows no middle ground or shades of gray. It’s a “nothing succeeds like excess” sort of mindset. Such polarized thinking fails to recognize that there are usually other reasonable options. If you insist on all or nothing, you will likely end up with nothing.
Musterbation involves having steadfast rules about how you and others should or must behave. The emotional consequence when expectations are not met is anger, frustration, resentments and guilt. The road to hell is paved with “shoulds” and “oughts.”
Self-serving bias. For many, being right is more important than the facts or feelings of others. However, this thinking pattern has deep consequences such as alienation from others, and a difficulty in forming and sustaining healthy relationships. Do you want to be peaceful, or do you want to be lonely and right?
Basing future decisions on sunk costs. Whether a tanking stock, a bad relationship or a failing business, cutting losses is tough. Sunk costs occur due to emotional attachments that lead to irrational investing despite mounting losses. Sort of like casino gambling.
Fallacy of fairness distortion assumes that things have to be measured based on fairness and equality, when in reality things often don’t work that way. Life isn’t fair for everyone, so doesn’t that make life fair?
Underestimating coping ability to handle negative events is a mindset of many who have not previously been held to the fire. What doesn’t kill you gives you coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.
Entitlement is a filter that causes the belief that the same rules that apply to others should not apply to you. You can’t spell “entitlement” without “i” and “me.” But imagine a world where a sense of service and gratitude replaced entitlement and expectation.
Repeating the same behavior hoping for different results is Einstein’s definition of insanity. For example, expecting that if you keep nagging your direct reports that they will meet deadlines, when it hasn’t happened yet.
Personalizing is a thought distortion and belief that things others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to you. This type of thinking can also cause you to blame yourself for things outside your control. You can’t please everyone. You’re not pizza.
Blaming is the opposite of personalizing, but a lot more satisfying. Blaming is a mental filter where you hold other people responsible for your adversities.
In-group bias is a tendency to trust and respect people who are like you more than those from different backgrounds and experiences. For an enriching paradigm shift, consider tapping into the brain trust of those outside your circle of influence. Smart and inclusive looks good on anyone.
Overthinking is a mindset that worry and rumination will lead to solutions. Overthinking can actually impair our problem-solving ability and is a direct route to unhappiness. If you question the answers too many times, you will never answer the questions.
Multitasking doesn’t extend beyond peeing in the shower. When you are multitasking, you are actually task (and attention) shifting. We are born to monotask. Multitasking is doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.
Failure to chill. According to a report by job site Glassdoor, only 23 percent of workers surveyed said they used all of their paid time off in the last 12 months. Taking the time to revitalize reduces anxiety and depression while increasing productivity. You need more than just restroom breaks.
Cheating on your goals in lieu of making it up later. Spending workdays on your fantasy football draft with plans to make it up later in the week is self-sabotage. Often, your planned positive behaviors never happen. Goals come in two flavors: one day or day one. You decide.
Doubling-down on a failed strategy hoping it will eventually yield positive results. Long ago, Kenny Rogers taught us, “You got to know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em.” There is a fine line between genius and insanity. Don’t erase that line.
Catastrophizing is being extremely well educated about all the things that could go wrong while always expecting the worst. A person who is catastrophizing might lose a sale and instantly think he or she will be fired and live in a van eating ramen and regret.
“I can’t change my way of thinking.” Rather than convincing yourself that changing mentalities is too hard, aim for small reductions in your negative automatic thoughts, at 10 percent, for example. You will immediately obtain benefits while working toward the goal. You can still see the glass as half-full. Just not half-full of poison.

How to Change Thinking Patterns and Cognitive Distortions

Thought patterns and mental filters change through a process called cognitive restructuring or reframing. By adjusting your automatic thoughts each day, you can influence your emotions and behaviors.

Identify your automatic negative thoughts (cognitive distortions).

Create a list of your troublesome thoughts. An examination of your cognitive distortions allows you to recognize which distortions you favor.

What—if any—evidence is there to support them?

Try to identify the basis for your distorted thoughts, and then challenge them. What evidence do you truly have to support these beliefs? There are likely far more instances where you had success and things went well.

Peer review.

Seek the opinions of others about whether your thoughts and outlooks are accurate. If you truly believe that your colleagues have it in for you, refer to a few trusted peers for objectivity.

Find the shades of gray.

Rather than thinking about your situation in a black or white polarity, assess things on a scale of 0 to 100. Things not materialized can be seen as partial successes rather than failures. Those partial victories are the savory gradations.

Don’t believe everything you think.

I Don’t Feel Like Peopling: 10 Ways to Slay Social Anxiety (as seen in Reader’s Digest, June 2017)

At home and on social media, you’re an extroverted badass. In public, you become an isolationist dodging eye contact and handshakes, with a tendency towards agoraphobia and a general excitement over cancelled plans. Your favorite party trick is not going.

What is Social Anxiety?

The most common of all the anxiety disorders, social anxiety is an extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations. A little social anxiety is normal for everyone. However, when social anxiety becomes abnormal, it’s a self-serving, narcissist hell-bent on your full attention – like Kim Jong-un or Miley Cyrus.

Social anxiety disorder is an enigma in that it comprises a general distaste for peopling, with an opposing internal need for … people. But on your terms, and in limited doses. Social anxiety can save you money on all the fun things you would otherwise go out and do. The downside includes a sadistic focus on all things that can go wrong; nervously blurting everything you never wanted to say aloud just to fill conversational lulls; and performing extensive post-interaction analyses to scrutinize your perceived collective flaws.

How Does One Get Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety is contagious. Sort of. Researchers are learning that anxiety disorders run in families, and that they have a biological basis, much like allergies, diabetes, and bad taste. Anxiety disorders typically develop from a complex set of risk factors that include genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life experiences.

Neurosis Loves Company: The Social Anxiety Numbers

Anxiety is the most common mental illness for adults, and the number one mental health issue in North America (source: NIMH). Of all the anxiety disorders, social anxiety is the most common, with 15 million American adults suffering a social anxiety disorder, or 13 out of 100 people. The malady is equally common among men and women, and typically begins around age 13. Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about 1/3 of those suffering receive treatment.

All of this supports a rationale for keeping a blank social calendar from an underground doomsday bunker. However, you can get out there and thrive. Here are 10 ways how:

THROW A COUNTERPUNCH. Do not give in to what the anxiety is driving you to do. Instead, acknowledge it and say, “Hey, inner angst, I’m the shot caller and I came to party!” Whatever it is that counters the anxiety, do it. Each time you parry your fear, you are “rewiring” your brain and weakening anxiety’s hold on you. No one overcomes social anxiety who consistently avoids. Author and clinical professor of psychology at Weill-Cornell Medical School, Robert Leahy, Ph.D. stresses that, left untreated, social anxiety is associated with an increased risk foralcohol abuse, depression, loneliness, decreased occupational advancement and the increased likelihood of remaining single. Drunk, idle, sad, and alone is no way to live. Feel and face your anxiety – sober. You can actually do things while anxious and realize nothing bad happens.
EXPOSE YOURSELF. Many studies demonstrate the efficacy of exposure-based therapies for anxiety disorders, as summarized in several published meta-analyses according to Johanna S. Kaplan, PhDand David F. Tolin, PhD in Psychiatric Times. (“Exposure Therapy for Anxiety Disorders,” September 2011). We avoid what frightens us and, in return, are frightened by what we avoid. Expose rather than avoid by creating an exposure hierarchy. Write down scenarios that cause you anxiety in order of severity. Perform the easiest behavior first, and move down the list. Your hierarchy might start with asking a stranger for directions, and end with asking your boss for a raise. It doesn’t matter if s/he laughs you out the door. It matters that you actually asked. Social anxiety wants you timid and poor.
BECOME AN ASKHOLE. According to Mark Tyrell, therapist and co-founder of Uncommon Knowledge, asking questions makes for great social lubricant when you otherwise have nothing to say in a social setting. Ask open-ended questions such as, “How do you know the host?” Alternatively, try soliciting advice asking something like, “Does anyone have any good movie/book/sushi recommendations?” Ask follow-up questions that take the conversation deeper. Asking where the restroom or vodka is located, or when the party ends doesn’t count.
GIVE YOURSELF LICENSE TO CHILL. The more you worry and let anxiety rule your days, the more you wire your brain to continue worrying and being anxious, while continually linking anxiety to specific events. Instead, consider yoga, tai chi, or visualization to prepare yourself. In Psychology Today, Eric R. Maisel Ph.D. emphasizes a visualization technique to lessen anxiety. Create a mental picture of relaxing. It could be at a beach sunset, watching a forest gently sway to a breeze, leaves falling silently in your backyard, etc. When you visualize, engage your other senses as well. What does the place smell and feel like? What do you hear? Do it every day for long enough that it becomes as natural as staring at your smartphone.
PLUG YOUR NOSE. Try alternate nostril breathing. This is a simple, natural breathing technique for managing stress and anxiety. Close one nostril by placing your thumb gently over it. Breathe out then in through the uncovered nostril. After each breath cycle, switch sides. A breath cycle is one out-breath and one in-breath. Leading with your out-breath, do one out-breath followed by one in-breath through each nostril. Repeat this series, alternating nostrils after each inhalation. According to Ayurvedic medicine, alternate nostril breathing brings the body and mind into a state of balance and neutrality, and has been used by elite athletes for decades. It will likely be easier to breathe through one nostril than the other. You’re not deformed – it’s normal.
PUMP-UP YOUR JAM. According to Dr. Lisa Legault of Clarkson University, “Practitioners who are interested in using self-affirmation as an intervention tactic in academic and social programming might be interested to know that the strategy produces measurable neurophysiological effects.” Pick a mantra, slogan, or verse to incite yourself prior to an event or performance.Psalm 55:22 is an example calming scripture: “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Alternatively, to get motivated to conquer, consider AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock.” Find your own song or chant that calms or inspires confidence as you head to a gathering or performance. Remember, anticipation of a worrisome social situation is usually worse than the actual event. Unless it’s going to prison.
SILENCE “BOO.” Boo is the cruel cynic in your head relentlessly booing you, filling you with worry and doubt. Like a mother in law, but invisible. Dispute Boo’s negative rants with truths such as, (1) you are more than capable of nailing the upcoming marathon/wedding toast/hostage negotiation; (2) there are at least as many reasons things will go right for you; and (3) you are competent, skilled, and deserve to be happy! Ben Martin, Psy.D. presents four main types of challenging questions to negative thinking: (1) What evidence do you have for this thinking? (2) Are there any other ways you could look at this situation? (3) Is this situation as bad as you’re making it out to be? And, (4) What can you do to help yourself solve the problem or to feel better?
STOP GIVING A #%@! what others think. Social anxiety is tied to feelings of being judged. The judgements and opinions of others have no reflection on your worth or talents. Social anxiety treatment includes learning to be flawed, while detaching approval from external sources. Being a perfectionist is fine in rocket science, but not when bringing Chex™ Mix to Bunco night. According to an American Psychological Association study, we consistently overestimate how much, and how badly, others think of us, causing us to be more inhibited and less impulsive and happy than we could be (“Do others judge us as harshly as we think? Overestimating the impact of our failures, shortcomings, and mishaps.” Savitsky, Kenneth; Epley, Nicholas; Gilovich, Thomas / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 81(1), Jul 2001, 44-56).
PRESS LEVER FOR SNACK. Rather than berating yourself in post interaction analysis, practice self-reward. Not with rounds of tequila or tattoos. But commend yourself for attending the event, for being present, and for facing down your anxiety. Each time you counter your anxiety, you whittle away its power over you, while gaining confidence to step in the ring again. You are taking your life back one endeavor at a time. A tenet of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is the importance of rewarding yourself for exposing yourself to your fears. You deserve the adulation, and you will be more motivated to do it again if there are some self-high-fives or frozen yogurts on the back end.
PHONE A FREUD. See your doctor or a mental health provider if anxiety disrupts your life or daily activities. You may need treatment to get better. Like a receding hairline, social anxiety happens gradually and initially without much notice. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment for social anxiety. Self-medicating is not. You can find a therapist HERE.

Anxiety hates to dance. So get out there and dance.

Birthed or Bought: A lesser-known Mother’s Day perspective

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for the adopted individual can feel more substantial than for the average accidentally conceived “John” or “Jane.” I don’t purchase many big-ticket items – and, never do I buy things site unseen. So, the premise of procuring a little person this way makes my head spin.

Returning from visiting my mom in the hospital this week afforded me some inescapable solace during the long drive home. I pondered the time I’ve had with her, and was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude. As an adopted adult, I know full well the dedication, sacrifice, and momentary lapse of reason that goes into adopting a lonely, disgruntled, orphan child. For the prospective adoptive parent, the want of child must far exceed the desire for money, time, peace, and sanity. It’s the kind of love that transcends modern logic. Adopting anything is a crapshoot at best, and one fraught with a million unknowns. “Will he love us back?” “Will he grow-up normal?” “Does he carry communicable diseases?” “Will we regret the decision for eternity?” “Why is he so miserable?” “Will he hit us with a bag of hammers in our sleep?”

To keep the orphanage inventory moving, I believe there involves some crafty salesmanship on behalf of the adoption agency, along with a robust “No Refunds/No Returns” policy. Make no mistake, this is nothing like buying a car or Floridian timeshare that you can offload once bored or fiscally upside down. This is an all-encompassing, point-of-no-return, life altering commitment. I once adopted a hermit crab, named “Herbie,” from a Petco pet store, and had to sign a declaration that I would protect and care for the little crustacean to the best of my ability for the duration of its natural life. Had I known that hermit crabs can live 12 – 15 years, I would not have entered into such a pact, and left the unaffectionate ‘lil guy on the checkout counter while sprinting away, elated that I had shirked the responsibility of regular salt baths, twice daily warm water misting, and constant humidifier monitoring.

I cannot imagine signing on the dotted line for an actual child – or just how many signatures such a covenant requires. I was never privy to the documentation regarding my purchase. My parents could have chosen the simpler, semi-vogue option of an exotic, foreign child. Instead, they opted for the multi-year bureaucratic stall and emotional investment of a good ‘ole domestic towheaded kid, homegrown here in the U.S.A. Perhaps they didn’t want to pay shipping.

An often unrecognized advantage to an adoptee is the notion of “family.” When you are not adopted and decide to banish a sleazy family member, that person forever remains flesh and blood. Sadly, there is no knocking anyone out of the family tree. But for an adoptee, things are much more loosely defined. The adopted individual can simply choose whomever he/she wants to be “related” to within the family org chart. I find myself exceedingly proud to be related to some extended family members, while I relegate others to the “acquaintance” pool.

I have successfully dodged these individuals at WalMart, BBQs, and weddings. I simply deny all pseudo genealogical ties, and remind them, “It’s nothing personal – I am adopted, after all.” It also comes in handy in the instance of a really hot second or third cousin – though, society frowns upon such unions. On the flip side, never seeing an actual blood relative is a reverse mindbender. The realization that I’m as related to my own mother as the Easter Bunny is unsettling at times.

Each time I see my parents, I notice questionable habits they’ve developed since retiring and facing the sudden influx of time. One of my father’s most perplexing habits that I failed to notice until his 70’s, is the rampant use of cruise control in his Lincoln sedan at inappropriate times. My dad would use cruise control to parallel park if it were possible. He can occasionally be seen on California’s crowded highways, speed locked at 70 mph, dodging between moving cars like a game of “Frogger,” while seeking the next open space to navigate his 8-foot American-made steel hood, never allowing himself to touch the brake pedal or cruise control “pause” and “resume” switch. When I asked him “Why, Dad? WHY?” he retorted, “It saves gas!” Growing up, I just assumed he was a lazy driver. But, a cost-cutting measure?

Another interesting characteristic of my dad that seemed typical until I was an adult is his anxious hoarding. He rarely parts with, or discards anything. If the family wants something gone, it must be covertly disassembled, stealthily removed from the house under the cover of night, and buried under the existing garbage in the outside trash bin. It’s best to do this the evening before trash pick-up, at the risk he has time to sort through the garbage to ensure nothing has been thrown-out of potential value. Otherwise, he will remove the object from the trash unbeknownst to us, and it will be cleaned, reassembled, and placed in it’s original location. Over the years, he has slowly turned his home into a 2,300 sq. ft. museum of absurdity. He is cognizant enough to know this, which is why he has compartmentalized his house. Certain doors, closets, and rooms are locked, never to be opened except by him when no one is around. Behind these entryways are troves of random electrical gadgetry and worthless relics from yesteryear.

Nearly everything my dad squirreled away in his garage is rummage – with the exception of a 1941 Ford Coupe. In the trunk of this classic he locked away all contraband confiscated from my brother and me in our youth. Old Playboy Magazines we stole from under the bed of our perverted neighbor, a wrist-rocket slingshot, a homemade crossbow, pellet guns, Chinese throwing stars and knives (I was a self-taught, white Ninja), and an assortment of other illicit material coveted by prepubescent boys. Since my dad is the craftiest man around, he has an impressive collection of tools. Not once did we have a repairman at the house, and he was known as “MacGyver” throughout our neighborhood. The drawback was that I never got anything new. Everything we owned was of industrial grade from Sears or affixed with a “Craftsman” label. If something did break, dad would quickly fix it and we’d be on our way.

This went for clothing as well, as my mom had the skills of a commercial seamstress. My pants and shirts all consisted of the “Toughskins” clothing line from Sears. This was clothing made from the weather resistant wool of wild Himalayan Mountain Yaks. If I was somehow able to tear something, my mom would sew it back together using grit and 50lb. test fishing line – also from Sears. She went so far as to sew actual pockets from the rear of retired jeans on the knees of all my Toughskin pants so I had little chance of tearing them. No matter how rough and tumble I tried to act as a boy, I could never be taken seriously with patch-worked clown pants.

I am my parents’ son – adopted, or not. Though I have gleaned neither my dad’s penchant for cruise control; nor my mom’s resolve, grace, and strength as she fights stage IV cancer, I see many other characteristics from my parents in the mannerisms of both my brother and me. I could not possibly love two humans more. When I paused for a moment and looked at her this past week, I could see the age in her comforting face. I knew I had much to do with it, and wondered why they ever took on the challenge of my brother and me. And though they may seem increasingly bonkers as they age, given the choice, I’d choose them every time. I wonder if “Herbie” the crab feels the same way.

The sky is falling … right?

Today’s Anxiety Threat: “High”

Only 35 years ago, anxiety did not exist as a diagnosis. Today, it’s the most common form of mental illness.

Why?

Ours is hardly the first troubled era humans have endured in history. By way of example, our ancestors bore many salty times such as The Crusades; Black Death; World War I; The Great Depression; World War II; The Cold War; The Cuban Missile Crisis; slavery / racism; The Vietnam War; The War on Terrorism; and all those missing dinosaurs – from which no one has heard a word since the Cretaceous Period.

The souls of preceding eras were likely much more angst-ridden than our own. Except they lacked easy access to whiskey and pills to numb, and they faced personal adversity head-on. It feels like the world is at an all-time low; as if society is climbing toward the “dreadfully appalling” threshold.

But is the world getting worse?

Are we really worse off than the suffering millions during the Black Plague, for example? From 1347 to 1351 – a time when the global population was an estimated 450 million – at least 75 million are believed to have perished throughout the pandemic. Some estimates put it as high as 200 million dead within only four years. It’s hard to imagine that we have it even close to that bad. The peoples of earlier eras might have been wracked by anxiety, but they dug-in. So it seems afoul to rob our angst-ridden predecessors by crowning our own epoch the “Age of Anxiety.”

Bad news can quickly spur anxiety and depression. Look no further than the CNN ticker tape at the bottom of your TV screen to shotgun some gloom into your psyche and create palpable anxiety. And there is an increasing tendency for news broadcasters to “emotionalize” their news and to do so by emphasizing any potential negative outcomes of a story no matter how low the risks of those negative outcomes might be. Exaggerating or otherwise distorting the news to give it more emotional flare is part of TV journalists’ fight to remain relevant and competitive. With so many journalists covering the same topics, someone is going to up the impact ante by whatever means necessary. This involves scaremongering at every opportunity in order to sensationalize the impact of a news story, and it feeds right into man’s natural evolutionary trait to affix more to the bad than the good. It’s how we quickly identified threats in our primitive days. But this can result in symptoms similar to PTSD. Overindulging in bad news isn’t a survival technique today – it only creates more anxiety.

I put the “I” in Anxiety.

Mary McNaughton-Cassill, a professor at the University of Texas, San Antonio and leading researcher on the connection between media consumption and stress, conducted research that suggests, “In addition to a burgeoning sense of helplessness, cognitive shortcuts triggered by the news can also lead us to gradually see the world as a darker and darker place, chipping away at certain optimistic tendencies.”

Like vaping, self-tattooing, and licking escalator rails, exposure to negative news is literally bad for your health. Media outlets don’t get paid to deliver good news because it doesn’t sell. We live in a culture of alarmism where the glut of bad news yields fear, aggression, and anxiety. And it’s a one-two punch because it does this while blocking your happiness, peace of mind, and creative thinking.

Here’s the good news about all that bad news …

It’s not that the world has actually gotten worse; but a prolific media is relentlessly reporting it in HD pessimism. The only winners in this unhealthy arrangement are the advertisers who regularly interrupt the 24-hour live stream of wheelchair thieves and otter-punchers to scare us into buying more life insurance and antianxiety pills. Bad news is toxic and jacks up your perception of what you should be paying attention to. Things you need to think about, like studying, work, or getting enough sleep are overlooked – while the stuff that shouldn’t be troubling you, like maniacal overseas dictators and homegrown terrorists, override your mind. Issues like radicalism get hyped while the effects of chronic anxiety on your body are ignored entirely. That’s healthy perspective turned on its head. Bad news affects us physiologically. Bad news triggers the brain’s limbic system, spurring a release of cortisol, a stress hormone that deregulates the immune system and inhibits the release of growth hormones. It’ll turn you into a tiny madman running amok in a prolonged temper tantrum. This is likely how you feel after a sizeable dose of bad news – small, angry, and anxious.

The nightly news is nightly negativity.

But unless you catch an upcoming seven-month long flight to Mars, it’s tough to dodge the daily torrent of anxiety-stimulating news via TV and social media. I’m not suggesting that you bury your head in a hole and remain uninformed; rather, I encourage limiting your exposure to the nightly negative deluge, and/or considering other sources of information, like Upworthy and The Discovery Channel. Temper your negative news exposure with regular doses of humor, good news, and Animal Planet. Consider the findings of a 2007 study by the International Journal of Behavioral Medicine:

“The psychological effects of televised news were studied in 2 groups (n = 179) of undergraduate students who watched a 15-minute random newscast followed by either a 15-minute progressive relaxation exercise or a 15-minute lecture (control condition). Subjective measures of state anxiety, total mood disturbance (TMD), positive affect, and negative affect were obtained before and after the news, as well as following relaxation exercise or the lecture. The results show that state anxiety and TMD increased, whereas positive affect decreased in both groups after watching the news, and 15 minutes later, they returned to baseline (pre-news) only in the relaxation group, whereas they remained unchanged in the control group. These findings demonstrate that watching the news on television triggers persisting negative psychological feelings that could not be buffered by attention-diverting distraction, but only by a directed psychological intervention such as progressive relaxation.”

The mainstream media does not paint an accurate picture of reality. The world is vast and rife with tons of positive things continually taking place. But it feels the opposite because our brains cling to the bad.

And social media is in cahoots with the news. Consider the 2015 study in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, in which 753 middle school and high school students were surveyed. Researchers found that those who spent more than two hours a day on social networking sites like Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter were more likely to report distress, poor mental health, and even suicidal thoughts.

The upside to feeling better in a world seemingly gone mad is that there’s a simple antidote: Limit your consumption. You can’t control the turmoil around you. But you can dramatically limit your exposure, counter the negative with positive, and recognize that douchy, gelled, and lacquered TV journalists exist only to have you suckle at the bad news teat. The more visceral and gnarly the news reported, the more eyes are watching.

You don’t need to be inundated to be informed. And we don’t own the Era of Neuroticism just because we’re more diagnosed and self-aware. We’re the era that can turn carbon pollution into diamonds. So there’s considerable hope. As for me, I’m going to take some Paxil and dig-in.

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. – Soren Kierkegaard

Breakup Advice: Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke – or, if it is

Don't cut yourself on the pieces of broken people

There’s not enough glue in the world …

Dr. McDonagh and I receive a lot of emails and posts at State of Anxiety from heartache sufferers who could’ve and should have completely avoided their relationship pain and melee to begin with. Why?? Because the object of their affection was broken. It’s inherent in our nature to want to ‘right the ship’ and repair what’s not working. That’s all fine. Unless what’s not functioning comes with genitalia. Then it’s always best to leave the broken pieces where you found them, and back away. There’s a time to lend a hand, and a time for self-preservation and sprinting. I speak with a stunning degree of credibility, as I was once a “fixer” myself back in the day. I saw broken women as, “Challenge accepted! Where do I sign??” when I should have yelled, “Challenge averted! Where’s the [email protected] exit?!”

When a ’67 Shelby Mustang isn’t running right, you can tweak the carburetor, or replace the plugs. When a woman isn’t running right, you can’t fine tune her brain. Nor can you love and snuggle her into mental and emotional health. Dating a broken individual is akin to jumping in the deep-end to save someone from drowning. They will violently flail just before taking you down in their death grip. Even if you were (hypothetically) able to save them, you’ll incur an egregious amount of kicks, elbows, and head-butts before hoisting them to safety. More often than not, however, you’ll sink into the abyss together; your lungs filled with hair, water, and regret. As it is with dating the emotionally unstable man or woman. If you think s/he can be fixed over time, through struggle-snuggles and good advice, then it’s you who needs attention.

FIX YOUR “PICKER” NOT THE PERSON.

When someone selects a mate of this unsavory origin, they focus all efforts on the repair process, while toiling incessantly at the relationship – yet, it never seems right. Because it’s not. And, no amount of alcohol, coercion, grit, and tears will alter the outcome. The union is riddled with strife, imbalance, dissatisfaction, and unrequited love. And, like an Adam Sandler movie, it’s doomed to fail.

By the time we at State of Anxiety hear from the weary lover-turned-therapist, it’s at their point of perilous acquiescence. They’ve tried everything, to no avail. Not surprisingly, even the mental defector him/herself is telling them to “Move on. Don’t wait around. Save yourself …” while cray-cray pants tries to securely fasten their head back to their torso. Still, the misanthropic, bewildered lover insanely stays the course , assured they can make things right. That’s stinkin’ thinkin’ my friend. It would take months, years, or a lifetime of therapy to get Beezy Brokenbrain back on course. Are you a therapist?? Yes? Then you know better to date this genre. You’re not? Then call one for him/her and politely excuse yourself to the restroom to slither out the 2nd floor window. The fall will do you good.

Rather than trying to repair the person of interest, you’re far better served to fix your selection process (aka, “picker”) so that you never choose someone so emotionally stunted again. There’s a reason you chose Captain Chaos. Take some personal inventory to determine why that is. Then don’t repeat. The irony is that the crux of the problem in these types of relationships is … you. Just like it was once me. There is something internal driving you toward this self-destructive behavior.

I won’t be so bold as to predict the myriad of reasons you decided Suzy Rottenmind was worth your time and sanity. I already know the sex was good. Sex with a train-wreck always is. For me, it was more complicated. I sought emotional instability and chaos in relationships. Without it, I was bored. I thrived on the deranged. And, there’s never a shortage. Those were the only relationships I found sexually charged and rife with chemistry. Talk about bad science. When faced with an emotionally sound and stable woman, and I’d sneak out of her bed at night to crawl through the bars of the women’s correctional hospital.

I’m hoping this pattern is not indicative of your own. It took years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for me to end my own self-destructive course. How amazing would it be to not replicate the failures of others, such as myself? Yes, that was rhetorical. I’m actually telling you not to replicate my failures.

If they’re broke, don’t fix ’em.

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety is a funny and significant resource for any teen experiencing anxiety, and currently available at major retailers such as Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart, and Amazon, or here: Ulysses Press.

Nationwide surveys report that today’s teens feel significantly more stressed than any other generation. Whether they face problems with school, friends, parents, or all of the above, teens will find a wide variety of easy, stress-coping methods in 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety.

Based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), the most widely used and popular anxiety therapy among clinicians, the book helps teens simultaneously accept the existence of their negative emotions and choose to respond in healthy ways.

The authors also provide clear and concise explanations of the causes, symptoms, and types of anxiety so that readers can stop attacks before they even begin. Teens cannot control what they think or feel, but they can control how they behave. Now, by following the proven and simple-to-use exercises they can achieve peace.

Breakup Advice: Go ghost

I’d like to address a timely trend we are noticing within recent emails and posts sent by breakup sufferers. It’s related to the premise of “going ghost” following a breakup. It’s not a tool to make your ex wonder what you’re up to, or a component of gamesmanship. This is a self-preservation tactic designed specifically for you. Going ghost is the single best method of preventing regrettable acts. You cannot be remorseful if you have not taken any action but to be still.

But, this is a piece of advice rarely given without the response, “So, when can I contact her/him!?” I counter that question with another question: “What is your agenda in making contact??” Based on your response, you have your own answer. People ask this question because they’re intensely afraid of being forgotten, or inadvertently appearing disinterested to your ex. The underlying fear is that there is something you can do “fix” the situation and stave off further pain. Interestingly, probably the only thing you haven’t tried as a breakupee is “doing nothing.” Whereas your constant attempts at soliciting a response or repairing the situation have only put you further in the hole.

So, if your agenda is to get him/her back – or – if ANY of your actions cause you to return your focus on him/her, then it’s probably best to do the opposite: Go ghost. Directing or maintaining your attention on the source of your pain will bring you more what?? Hint: PAIN.

If you’re playing with a loaded gun and it goes off, shooting you in the dick, do you keep playing with the gun? Or – more logically – do you call 911 and get the hell away from the weapon?! HINT: This is a rhetorical question. You just got shot in the dick. I’m not saying that your ex is armed or is aiming for your prized appendage – even though that isn’t uncommon. But, your immediate post-breakup response should be the same. You’re wounded. Not mortally, but it feels so. You need to tend to your heart wound. You do this by gaining some distance – not by running back to the source.

Look, I’m no mountaintop oracle, or your designated breakup overlord. I’m just a guy put on this carbon-based sphere to prevent others from self-flagellating post-breakup. You don’t want to lose your shit over this. Unfortunately, I cannot implant a chip in your noggin and control your moves from my Xbox. I can only advise you virtually from my clandestine, subterranean Breakup Command Center. You can heed my counsel, or type some profane diatribe, hit “Send,” and return to your diabolical plan of reconciliation.

But, first consider this: In the absence of any reconciliation or cease-fire by your ex, the “No contact” rule is the most apt policy to obtain any semblance of healing, while avoiding maladaptive behaviors. IF things are going to work-out later (assuming they should), they stand the best chance without your irrational meddling while in the throes of breakup anxiety. You are simply not of sound mind this early on to emotionally navigate this course and achieve your goal. So the best action is no action. Going ghost is going to save you further damage – self-inflicted or otherwise.

Now, back to your original question: When can you make contact?

Answer: If you’ve got anything that must be said right now, write it and mail it USPS with no return address. Once.

If you are seeking any type of response or outcome, you have likely already communicated all that is needed to repair things at the time of the breakup. There is no further action needed right now. If s/he wants to get back together, they will let you know.

YOU CAN’T BE MISSED IF YOU NEVER GO AWAY.