anxiety shrink

Real Friends Don’t Leave You Behind When You Tie Your Shoes

Humans are incapable of unconditional love and support. We aren’t Jesus or Golden Retrievers. But friendships often get tested, which can determine if they fulfill even the basic tenets of a steadfast alliance.

Nothing separates friendship wheat and chaff like personal crisis.

The issue has less to do with the strength of the bond, and more with our individual strength of character. Therefore, you’ll see fringe acquaintances rise above all expectations during hard times, while lifetime “besties” often fall flat in providing emotional support … or helping you move.

I avoid risky physical endeavors so I’m not rendered paralyzed or suffer a traumatic brain injury, because few of my friends are inherently kind enough to drop-off Miller Lite and Advil or remove my Christmas tree without wondering what’s in it for them. I’ve replaced these friends with ones I can rely on, like Instacart and Uber Eats.

“I’m Sorry I annoyed you with my unwavering friendship.”

When my mom’s cancer recently spread to her brain, requiring an ominous surgery, I didn’t see her for months while she was hospitalized due to Covid protocols. “Close” friends knew full-well of my struggle. But after two weeks, the check-ins ceased. As if sending a text was too cumbersome. I realized that my friendships existed only because of sarcasm and alcohol. Truth is that many people don’t have enough nice-juice to sustain lengthy compassion or empathy.

Some people are simply too distracted or facing their own trials to tap into much more. They need your crisis to abate before you quickly drain them of their courtesy reserves. Guys are the worst with this; unless they’re a pastor or bartender.

In 2020, support of any kind became a luxury, with an entire populace spread thin contending with the flurry of bummer-hail reigning down. But care still abounds – you just need to know where to find it. Here are a few “ins:”

1. IN an Animal Shelter. Consider adopting/rescuing a pet. The positive emotional and mental impact a pet (or, four) can have is both quantifiable and immeasurable.

2. IN a Side-Hustle. Jump hastily into a passion project or side hustle. You aren’t defined by your job, unemployment, or mental state(s). You are the sum of your passions and related contributions. The World needs your gifts.

3. IN the Now. Stay rooted in the moment (aka, mindfulness), from one single instant to the next. Do not look to the past, and certainly don’t project into the future. There’s nothing in either place for you.

4. IN Beads of Sweat. Before you can vibe and attract the right people, you’ve got to be your best self in body, mind, and spirit. Exercise will get you 33.33% closer to the goal. Whether it’s regular walks or hikes, weightlifting, CrossFit, or taking your new rescue pup to the dog park, get your glisten on.

5. IN Volunteerism. Philanthropy is the quickest and most direct path out of your own head. It’s also bastes your psyche in much needed catharsis and perspective whenever things feel the direst. Start here: https://www.volunteermatch.org/

6. IN Introspection. There is considerable value in self-examination, to include analyzing your own motivations and actions. This includes examining why you attract and roll with your current tribe. Once you better understand yourself – whether by brief epiphany or wholly “knowing thyself” – you’ll allow only the highest caliber of people into your circle.

Be your own best friend first, and you’ll meet some equally awesome ones along the way.

In the meantime, you’ve got me and my rescues, Thelma & Louise.

Myths We Tell Ourselves and Others to Ease Suffering

We tell people in the throes of adversity silly things in attempts to placate their angst. We also bask ourselves in a litany of clichés during stressful times to counter emotional suffering. We post them to social media, or tape them to our fridge next to that “Live, Love, Laugh” trope and the grocery list.

It’s not that we mean to be trite – it’s that we often don’t know what else to do or say to offer support.

Classic standby platitudes include the following:

God will never give you more than you can handle.
God never actually said this. Just ask Moses or Job. But it sounds nice, while imparting just enough hope to accept that spilled $6 latte or another mass shooting.
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
Tons of stuff can make you weaker … just before killing you. Have you ever seen someone bleed out?
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
What a cute little absurdity. Excrement, sweat, and urea are weaknesses leaving the body. Pain can stick around indefinitely.
Opportunity often comes disguised as adversity.
Opportunity doesn’t think this far in advance. Maybe it’s just shy, or likes surprising us. Either way, opportunity and adversity are as discernible as love and hate, or Michael Jackson skin tones through the decades.
The Serenity Prayer.
Maybe this one helps, I don’t know. I can never remember the words.
We have nothing to fear by fear itself.
FDR married his fifth cousin … do his mantras have any credibility? Also, there are plenty of things to fear, like dating apps, light beer, or former child actors. His point is moot.
God helps those who help themselves.
I fell for this one too. Stand back, mere mortal – God doesn’t need our help.
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.
I’m a rabid fan of Robert Frost, but his death in 1963 negates this proverbial gem.

There’s a reason canned, verbal peps don’t work: They’re simply not true. Can you think of a single instance of personal suffering where you recited anything similar, and felt a change in your emotions or mindset? We aren’t The Little Engine that Could.

When my grandmother, Hazel, my mom, and I were all diagnosed with cancers within the same year, I was emotionally spent and, honestly, pissed-off at the cosmos … or whoever made-up that “God will never give you more than you can handle” puff-slogan.

The topper of that time, however, was that from all the night-grinding of my teeth from stress, I had bone loss and gum recession in my lower jaw, requiring a $2,000 gum surgery. Human cadaver forearm skin was grafted to the inside of my lower gumline, while using growth factor from my own blood to lessen the tissue rejection. This prevented me from cursing aloud at life for wronging me, as I risked the piece of dead arm flying from my mouth.

No enemy is worse than bad advice. – Sophocles

I can assure you that there were no cute motivational quips that could fix all that ailed me that year. Yet, friends would dispense asinine “pick-me-ups” while I fake smiled over gritted teeth and gums that weren’t mine.

Some of their trivial well-wishes included, “Just put one foot in front of the other;” “Tomorrow is a new day;” or “It’ll get better!” (the last person wasn’t even trying). The advice my friends gave me was as useless as the “ueue” in queue.

I knew they meant well, but had no offerings beyond the preceding hollow citations. And, I can’t blame them. I have a friend whom recently lost his mom to Covid in an ICU. I too struggled to placate his suffering with the right spoken Band-Aid.

It’s not that we don’t want to assuage the angst that we or someone we care about is feeling – it’s that doing so is a skill so few of us are trained to do.

**So, What Can You Do For Someone (or, Yourself) Who is Going Through a Tough Time?**

In absence of helping a friend sponge-bathe their infirmed parent, or donating your own arm skin for their mouth, there are simple but surprisingly helpful things you can do.

1. If it’s you going through a difficult time, radically accept what is happening to you. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you have to agree with what’s happening or how you feel about it – but you accept it as it is, no matter how painful or inconvenient it is. C’est la vie. Whatever will be, will be. It is so, so it is. There is incredible freedom in merely accepting how things are.

2. Regularly check-in with yourself and your feelings. If you’re feeling irritable, for example, take tangible steps to lessen your angst. This might include taking regular long walks or working-out, watching a comedy, turning-off your phone and reading some Dave Barry or David Letterman, or doing some guided meditations from YouTube.

3. If it’s a friend hurting, simply ask them how they are doing. Then be present and listen. You don’t need to offer nuggets of life-altering advice. It’s actually best that you don’t. Just listen.

4. Ask how you can best support them during this trying time. If it’s you who is hurting, how can you be your own best advocate? Hint: regular sleep, healthy eating, and not self-isolating.

5. Be consistent. Don’t check-in once and fade to black. Check-in regularly, even if via text.

6. Lastly, avoid the trite prose fails we often default upon. And, the next time someone gives you useless advice, convince them that having another baby will save their relationship.

How do You Know if You’re Depressed or Just Sad?

You might think you’re feeling lazy or unmotivated, but here are the signs that it’s something more serious

Is your two-day, Netflix binge of “Black Mirror” and “Stranger Things” a bout of laziness and apathy, a case of “the melancholies,” or … clinical depression?

Maybe you think you’re depressed, or you’re just using depression as an excuse to be lethargic – only to realize this itself might be a symptom of depression. It’s tough trying to figure-out your head with your own mind, right?

The brain is an organ that can malfunction like any organ. Mental illnesses are illnesses of that organ.

Brain scans show that there is a physical difference between a healthy brain and a sick brain. Telling someone with depression, “You don’t have an issue, it’s all in your head” is as inane as telling someone with diabetes, “You don’t have an issue, it’s all in your pancreas.” Any organ is susceptible to disease or disorder.

When you’re feeling down, it’s imperative to distinguish feelings of sadness versus depression because confusion can lead you to avoid evaluation and treatment of a serious condition. Alternatively, you might overreact to a normal emotional state of sadness.

“And, here’s why the distinction is crucial: If we (or a loved one) are depressed, it has huge implications for our long-term mental health, physical health, and longevity,” says NYC Psychologist and author Dr. Guy Winch. Sadness and apathy are normal emotions. “Sadness is usually triggered by a difficult, hurtful, challenging, or disappointing event, experience, or situation,” says Winch. This also means that when something shifts, or we’ve gotten over the hurt or event, the sadness also wanes.

“Whereas depression is an abnormal emotional state; a mental illness that affects our thinking, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors in pervasive and chronic ways,” says Winch. Depression can occur in absence of any of the triggers that cause sadness. Sadness is about something and depression is about … nothing.

Criteria for Depression

Depression is classified into different types using a book with diagnostic criteria for mental health disorders. Now in its fifth edition, the book is called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders. But, everyone just calls it the DSM-5. Think of it as the owner’s manual for the brain but – like an iPhone user guide – you must make an appointment with an accredited genius to see one.

The DSM-5 outlines the following criterion to make a diagnosis of depression.

Note: These serve only as a guideline. You need to see a mental health professional for a conclusive diagnosis. The individual must be experiencing five or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period, and at least one of the symptoms should be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.
Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).
Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

To receive a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms must cause the individual clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms must also not be a result of substance abuse or another medical condition. Afterall, a bottomless mimosa brunch or afternoon of beers is enough to spur a days-long depressive spell, as booze and other substances are known depressants.

Anxiety and depression disorders are often interlinked.

“It’s very hard to find patients who are depressed who don’t also have anxiety. It’s equally hard to find people with anxiety that don’t have some depression,” says Charles Goodstein, MD, a professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine. So, don’t berate yourself if you’re feeling anxiety on top of everything else. It’s more likely than not to occur. And though signs of depression, anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder have similarities, each requires different treatments right down to the therapy and medications used. This is why a professional diagnosis is so important to obtain the correct treatment regimen.

A Quick Lesson in Sourcing the “Why” in Your Life…

One of the most poignant examples of suffering and sadness is the story of Viktor Frankl, a physician and psychiatrist who survived four Nazi concentration and death camps, including the infamous Auschwitz. Frankl epitomized the words of Nietzsche: “He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How.” As a prisoner, Frankl kept himself and his hopes alive by a desire to see his wife again and one day teach about man’s quest for meaning.

Sadly, Frankl’s parents, brother, and pregnant wife were killed; but he was able to cope, source the importance of it all, and move forward with a renewed life purpose to include writing one of the most moving and significant books of our time, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl teaches us that “if there is a meaning in life at all, there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an eradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.”

We all face the opportunity to achieve something through our own suffering. Our unique opportunity lies in the way we bear our burden, and in our attitude toward difficulty while pondering our meaning. Make no mistake; you have a decisive and purposeful meaning in this world. For many of us – myself included – it takes suffering and hardship to find it.

We are supposed to feel like we can’t handle things alone sometimes. That’s when we find the grace or help through others. In times when life becomes unmanageable, we must be willing to ask for help and support one another. It’s by design. We can be with one another amid suffering, helping each other bear the weight. Part of life is the realization that sometimes we can’t make it on our own. For some, a spiritual leader is a person to whom you can turn and say, “I have a burden that I cannot bear.” All it takes is walking into a local church, mosque, synagogue, or temple and asking for help.

Live to the point of tears. -Albert Camus

Conquering Teen Anxiety

In this excerpt from “101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety,” learn the difference between “normal” anxious feelings and those that interfere with daily life

Am I Losing My Mind, or Is This That Anxiety Thing?

Anxiety can make you feel different. As a teen, I never knew why no one else seemed to struggle with life the way I did. And it wouldn’t have mattered what diagnosis or label was put on me because it would not have changed how I felt. Sadly, teenagers can let anxiety steer them through most life decisions. Left untethered, anxiety will drive every choice and action you take.

So how do you know if you’re experiencing anxiety or something more insidious with a Latin name in the Physician’s Desk Reference? The type of anxiety we address in this book is not the healthy, normal varietal that prompts you to get important stuff done, like studying for an exam or running from prom date requests. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Severe anxiety that lasts at least six months is generally considered to be a problem that might benefit from evaluation and treatment.”

Rather than motivating you to act and get things done, anxiety at this level interferes with daily living, activities, and relationships.

The Accoutrement of Depression

Like a salad bar and sneeze guard go together, anxiety and depression disorders are often interlinked. So, don’t berate yourself if you’re feeling depressed on top of everything else. It’s more likely than not to occur. And though signs of depression, anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder have similarities, each requires different treatments right down to medications used. This is why a professional diagnosis is so important in order to obtain the correct treatment regimen. Having anxiety doesn’t have the social stigma it once did. It just means you’re really living.

But, there is a little-known dichotomy about anxiety that makes seeking treatment difficult: When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. Anxiety is a narcissist that wants you to focus on … anxiety. Anxiety will cloud your mind and fill your consciousness with a perverse volume of thoughts, noise, feelings, and stressors that have no validity. Next thing you know, you’re not turning in homework on time, missing chores, and arriving late to work or practice, and everyone’s wondering why you can’t get your act or matching socks together. If they saw the thought carnival in your mind, they’d surely understand.

No medication will cure anxiety. Medication treats the symptoms of anxiety.

Every case of anxiety is unique. Unfortunately, many anxiety sufferers use prescription medication when therapy, exercise, or self-help strategies such as those taught here would work just as well – if not better – because they are actual skills with no side effects. Therapy and skills usage include development of the necessary tools to beat anxiety.

The goal we’d like you to adopt from this book is not to remove anxiety, but to bring it down to more manageable levels. That means working with it directly, in a nonjudgmental way, and not avoiding it or thinking it’s bad or weak that you feel this way. We’ll talk specifically about how to do this in the book.

For more on 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety click here.

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety is a funny and significant resource for any teen experiencing anxiety, and currently available at major retailers such as Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart, and Amazon, or here: Ulysses Press.

Nationwide surveys report that today’s teens feel significantly more stressed than any other generation. Whether they face problems with school, friends, parents, or all of the above, teens will find a wide variety of easy, stress-coping methods in 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety.

Based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), the most widely used and popular anxiety therapy among clinicians, the book helps teens simultaneously accept the existence of their negative emotions and choose to respond in healthy ways.

The authors also provide clear and concise explanations of the causes, symptoms, and types of anxiety so that readers can stop attacks before they even begin. Teens cannot control what they think or feel, but they can control how they behave. Now, by following the proven and simple-to-use exercises they can achieve peace.