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Jon Patrick

Guest Post: Is Anxiety Killing Us as a Culture?

Anxiety is currently a serious problem. As a whole, the collective mind – particularly in Western cultures and North America – seems to be getting more distraught, more stressed, and more anxious.

This is creating a number of problems in society as a whole. Is anxiety killing us as a culture?

How Could Anxiety Do So Much Damage?

When someone is anxious, it’s a reflection of inner turmoil. Many of us deal with existential anxiety – the constant, looming sense of having no real idea of what we’re doing on this planet, or where our lives are going. Working, raising kids, going to school, and living in noisy, crowded cities can all promote high levels of anxiety.

This is problematic on its own – but unfortunately, a lot of people don’t acknowledge their anxiety or refuse to seek help for it. This means that there are millions of people living their lives in a state of anxiety while also believing that there’s no reason that they should seek help for it.

Anxiety is running rampant in society, creating a litany of problems.

  • Driving while anxious makes one more likely to have an accident.
  • High anxiety levels are leading to higher rates of drug addiction and overdose.
  • Parents who are anxious all the time are likely to raise anxious children (anxiety seed-planting).
  • High levels of anxiety and stress are known to contribute to physical diseases and is likely a factor in the increasing rates of disease in the United States.
  • Serious anxiety can develop into other conditions, a lower quality of life, and make people more likely to act out irrationally or even violently.

Knowing this, there’s no doubt that anxiety is something worthy of treatment. But what can we do?

How to Manage Anxiety

One of the reasons that people may not treat their anxiety is because they’re not sure how to go about it. Here are some reliable ways to manage anxiety.

  • Find a Therapist. Many people fear therapy will label them as some sort of ‘nut-case,’ but this isn’t anywhere close to truth. The brain is an organ that can screw-up like any other organ in the body. Does having asthma or cancer make you a lesser person? Hardly. The reality is that we’re all struggling with some sort of internal issue, and the strongest people are those who seek out therapy to improve themselves regardless of what others think. You can easily find a therapist on the Psychology Today website, or speak to an online therapist through one of many companies.
  • Consider Meditation or Breathing Exercises. Meditation has been used for thousands of years to help people manage things like chronic stress and anxiety. Beginning a meditation routine and doing it properly will yield profound results that can measurably improve both physical and mental health. Meditation has even been scientifically proven to lower cortisol, the stress hormone.
  • Practice Gratitude. Consistently (daily) focusing on just three gratitudes – no matter how small – at the end of each day, has a twofold effect: (1) It slows and replaces negative thought patterns with something entirely different. (2) It rewires the brain to stop automatically seeking the “bad.” Studies show that we can physically rewire and retrain the brain! Doing something 40 – 50 times creates new pathways, neurons and synapses in the brain that can be seen via MRI. And, doing it 60 times or more will actually thicken and reinforce those neuron bundles for the long-term!

If you follow these tips, then you’ll surely find that your mental health improves in no time.

If You Want to Know What’s Really Going on in Boys’ Heads, Ask Their BFFs (as featured in Good Housekeeping)

Boys talk honestly with their besties about friendship, social media, and what they wish adults knew.

If there’s one situation where boys do show empathy, compassion, and openness, it’s when they’re with their best friends. And that type of relationship has to be protected: In a report published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence, NYU Professor Niobe Way found that more than 85% of American adolescent boys, interviewed over more than 20 years, described their close male friendships as a kind of deep and emotion-based love.

However, her research showed that while boys often had intimate male friendships during early and middle adolescence, they typically lost such friendships by late adolescence, even though they continued to want them. It’s important, then, that we teach our boys how to value and nurture their friendships. And the good news is that some already do. Here, a look at the world of boys through their BFFs.

“We get in a big fight, and then a few minutes later we stop and we’re nice to each other again.”

How did you become friends? 
Patrick, 9 ½: We’re neighbors and we live right next to each other. 
Quinn, 9: I was getting bored with the other kids on the street and became friends with Patrick after he moved in.

What do you think it takes to be a good friend?
Patrick: Trust, loyalty, and kindness. 
Quinn: Kindness, honesty, and helpfulness.

What drives your parents crazy when you’re together? 
Patrick: We watch really annoying videos, we talk loudly, we make obnoxious noises.
Quinn: And we play together for almost a whole day.

What do you do when you fight? 
Quinn: We get in a big fight, and then a few minutes later we stop and we’re nice to each other again.
Patrick: Or we take a time out from each other for two or three days, but one of us comes crawling back a few days later.

“I wish adults knew the pressure of social media and cyberbullying in this day and age.”

When did you first become friends?
Chayse, 11:
 We met each other in kindergarten, but became really close in fourth grade.

What’s the best advice he’s ever given you?
Nicholas, 12: To keep my head up and do not let anyone bring it down.
Chayse: Nick stops me from getting in trouble. There was a boy that always irritated me in fifth grade and once I was so upset, I wanted to fight him. Nick stopped me and told me I was better than that and that I shouldn’t get myself in trouble.

What do you wish adults knew about what it’s like to be a boy today?
Nicholas: I wish adults knew the pressure of social media and cyberbullying in this day and age. It’s real.
Chayse: It’s also scary being a black boy today because some people think we are bad based on the color of our skin, and I don’t want someone to hurt me as a result of their own beliefs which are untrue.

What kind of pressure are you dealing with right now that you don’t think past generations have had to deal with?
Nicholas: Technology and posting on social media. Sometimes people I’ve never met write not-flattering things on social media posts. We call it trolling. 
Chayse: I think people in my generation have to deal with cyberbullying a lot more than past generations.

“Sometimes we hug, or bro-hug, or pat each other’s backs when we’re playing football.”

What do you like most about each other? 
Ethan, 11: He is thoughtful and a good friend. If someone asked him to play, he doesn’t want to play without me. When people are mean to him, he doesn’t overreact — he just ignores them. He also doesn’t care what people think of him. Like if someone calls him names, he doesn’t care. Some may call him gay or jerk or mean, or the p-word [pussy] because he doesn’t want to get into a fight. He keeps it chill and just walks away. He calls me over, and we just go play other games. 
Gage, 11: His laugh makes me laugh; he sounds like a squirrel. I like that he’s kind to my family, and he uses his manners. I like that he also doesn’t like to fight. One time when we were playing football at recess, a boy was going to punch Ethan, but I blocked the punch and got in trouble for fighting. The school called my mom, but she didn’t get mad because I was protecting my friend.

Has anyone ever made fun of you for being so close?
Ethan: Yes, some have called us gay because we hang out a lot. They’re probably jealous because they don’t have a good friend like me. Sometimes when they see that we hug each other, they say things.
Gage: Sometimes we hug, or bro-hug, or pat each other’s backs when we’re playing football. The other boys say, “That’s weird,” or “You’re gay.” We just get mad and walk away and keep playing football.

What’s the best advice he’s ever given you?
Ethan: Don’t listen to what other people say. Also, once he told me that I shouldn’t let people be so mean to me. That I shouldn’t be afraid to stand up for myself. He didn’t understand how I can always stand up for others and defend others, but I don’t stand up for myself. He says I should not be afraid to tell people to stop messing with me, just like I tell them to stop messing with my friends. 
Gage: Ethan helps me with my school work in class. He tells me there’s an easier way to do something than what I’ve usually been doing. I think he doesn’t want me to get bad grades.

“With social media, we have a pressure to portray ourselves as better than we are because we’re always in the spotlight.”

How did you meet?
Joshua, 16: We met at an after-school program called Young at Arts when I was in fifth grade and he was in fourth grade and we just became friends. We both love theater and singing.

How can boys of any age become better at showing care and empathy towards other guys?
Patrick, 16: They should be honest with each other and not try and be a fake person about how they are feeling. The general portrayal of a male friendship is that they aren’t that close — that they talk to each other but don’t talk about their feelings. 
Joshua: I agree. There’s been a stigma for a long time that guys aren’t supposed to show their emotions. When you see a boy’s friendship portrayed in a movie or on TV you see them hanging out and watching sports or talking about girls, where girls are shown talking about their day and caring about how their friend’s day was, too. It doesn’t have to be like that. It’s ok for a guy to tell their guy friend that they had a really bad day and it’s ok for him to just be there for you.

What kind of pressure are you dealing with right now that you don’t think past generations have had to deal with?
Patrick: With social media, we have a pressure to portray ourselves as better than we are because we’re always in the spotlight.
Joshua: Everyone always knows what you are doing now — especially with Snap Maps — and I think that’s really annoying. Everyone knows where you are and while you are out there trying to make yourself happy, you have to worry about everyone knowing everything about you at all times. It’s a lot of pressure.

“Other than my father, they were the first guys I ever said the words, ‘I love you, man’.”

Has anyone ever made fun of you for being so close?
Taylor: Never. We’ve been ride-or-die forever. We’ve actually been told that our friendship is something others have envied. 
Riggins: And if they did, I wouldn’t care! I appreciate the bond I have with these two gentlemen. 
Dixon: I’ve spoken to people who commend us on our friendship, even though we aren’t physically close.

Why do you think your friendship has stood the test of time? 
Taylor: I guess the reality of it is that we’re brothers … but closer. To be honest, other than my father, they were the first guys I ever said the words, “I love you, man,“ to! It’s not something we shy away from saying. It’s not said all the time, but when it’s said it is meant. 

Riggins: We all extremely different, but it works for us! For example, I’m the attractive one out of the group, and they understand that! Just kidding! … Partially! Honestly, we are different. But our differences bring us together and make up for the weaknesses the other may have.

How did you keep the friendship going as your lives got busier? 
Taylor: 
In 1993, I left for college, and we maintained contact. I would call them just as much as I would my parents — probably more. Nothing has changed between us. All of us are fathers, Ace got married, I got married… life happens… but we’ve never lost a beat. 
Dixon: There are times when months go by and we don’t talk due to the hustle and bustle of life. Eventually we always find some time to check-up on each and see how things are going. 
Riggins: Sometimes we just call each other knowing that the other can’t talk, with the hopes that we can leave a long winded message talking about how the other person is ugly and has bad breath.

In your opinion, how can boys of any age become better at showing care and empathy towards other guys? 
Dixon: I think being able to understand that males can be close if they do have empathy for each other can propel close male bonds. Wearing your emotions on your sleeve is okay and confiding in a close male friend is a powerfully positive step forward. Being able to express your true feelings regardless of how it seems is perfectly okay. 
Taylor: It has to be taught that there is nothing wrong with emotion. It’s easier said than done, to be honest. But as men — especially black men — empathy is important. Someone to openly talk to and trust, without judgement, is hard to find. I’ve told my children it’s cool to have friends, but you need people in your lives like Chris and Ace.


JON PATRICK HATCHER  is the creator and co-author of 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety and the forthcoming In Case of Anxiety… Anxiety Hacks for a Janky World.

If You’ve Ever Thought These 7 Things, You Might Have Relationship OCD (as featured at YourTango.com July 2018)

And the 10 Steps to Take if You Do.

The power of the human mind is wonderful and boggling – except when it turns on you while peppering your psyche with a staccato of queries about your relationship. 

One minute your partner’s grandeur is so intense, it’s cartoonish. How did you ever land such a splendid fish? The next you’re spun into a vortex of doubt, placing them under intense analysis, and scrutinizing every nuance of the relationship, including their questionably thick eyebrows.

This barrage of errant thoughts and questions commonly arise in otherwise healthy relationships. The obsessions include judgments around their imperfections as a person and partner, or about the rightness of the relationship itself:

  1. Why can’t he get that huge mole on his back removed?
  2. Does her nose-have to whistle whenever she chews? Could I do better?
  3. I just saw a hot guy at Starbucks, so am I in the wrong relationship?
  4. Is he even smart enough for me?
  5. Why aren’t we shmoopy like other couples?
  6. There are times I’d rather look at Instagram than have sex with him. Am I staying in this relationship just to avoid hurting him?
  7. Why don’t I miss her even though I’ve been at Coachella for three days?

The form of anxiety that comes with liking someone is so common that it has its own acronym: ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). The seemingly sublime onset of ROCD has led to many brain-worm Taylor Swift songs and vodka tonics pondering if you’re with the right person. You may avoid taking the next step in your relationship because you can’t get past their perceived flaws, or you might even quit dating altogether because no one seems good enough. You met them on a free dating app, after all.

ROCD has been receiving increasing research and clinical attention as a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in which the sufferer experiences intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality, and nature of their love for their partner. As with other forms of OCD, the fixations in ROCD focus on issues of doubt and an intense discomfort with uncertainty.

These obsessions often contain responding compulsive behaviors to include seeking reassurances or gauging one’s own feelings, comparing characteristics of one’s partner with those of other potential mates, or avoidance actions. The compulsions, which are intended to lessen the distress caused by unwanted thoughts, can take forms such as regularly asking friends or family if you have made the “right” choice in your partner; comparing your relationship to a previous exciting (often unhealthy) relationship, Internet searches about “the one,” finding that sex is a chore or eating a sandwich during sex, while fixated on that back mole or eyebrow shrub.

Relationships in which one partner has ROCD can be chaotic, ending in the sad, ironic twist that the dread of hurting or losing one’s partner often results in both.

From Where Does ROCD Arise?

You position your companion against idealistic projections of “real” love from episodes of The Bachelor, royal weddings, or the seething sexual chemistry in Trojan™ personal lubricant commercials. This is exacerbated by dating apps like Tinder and OK Cupid which have created an atmosphere of seemingly endless options, short-attention-span-dating, and The BBD (bigger, better, deal). We have commoditized ourselves, and dating has become transactional. It’s no wonder that our anxiety surrounding relationships, commitment, and marriage has shot up, while the principles of love and marriage run askew.

Add to this the notion of “soulmates,” which further ups the relationship anxiety ante. There’s a fantasy that guides many into seeking idyllic partners or soulmates. If you could find that perfect match you’ll be guaranteed a lifetime of relationship bliss, right?

Nope.

Research by Aurora University psychologist Renae Franiuk who studies people’s beliefs about their intimate partnerships, called “Implicit Theories of Relationships,” says “People who believe in soul mates may be setting themselves up for a lifetime of heartache and failed relationships. If you operate according to the soulmate theory of relationships, you constantly evaluate your dating partners against the idealized image of the man or woman who will be the one true love of your life. Once you’re in a relationship, even without your knowing it, you perform constant comparisons between the actual person you’re with and that ideal one-true-love model in your mind.”

There is a persistent idea that when we choose someone to be a long-term partner, s/he will be an incredible lover, hold fireside chats about Tolstoy, and take long beach saunters while sharing kale smoothies. OCD demands that there be no doubt in a person’s mind whether s/he has chosen the right person. To the ROCD sufferer, their obsession is, “I must know unequivocally that my partner is the absolute one for me.” This belief is steeped in anxiety. The anxiety, in turn, compels the person to engage in the compulsive behaviors in a vain attempt to arrive at certainty.

How to Counter ROCD:

The goal is to reduce ROCD symptoms enough to reach an informed decision regarding your relationship. Implement any of the following skills to move toward inner peace:

1. Let go or be dragged.

Radically accept that there is no way to know with 100% certainty whether any relationship will work out for the long-haul. If they make you happy, and you share similar values and goals, then Yahtzee! We all have flaws, and no relationship is perfect.

2. Remember thoughts and feelings do not equal facts.

Remind yourself that all OCD is rooted in irrational fears and lies to you with baseless obsessions, rituals, and ruminations. Just because you think it or feel it, doesn’t mean it’s true. And, if you have experienced past OCD symptoms, a relationship can easily become the new focus.

3. Expose yourself.

The most effective form of treatment for ROCD is called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This entails exposing yourself to the thoughts, images, objects, and situations that make you anxious and cue your obsessions, while not engaging in a compulsive behavior in attempts to alleviate the angst. For example, if you’re claustrophobic, take the elevator, not the stairs.

4. Daisy chain your obsessions.

If you mentally play-out the calamitous beliefs causing you distress, you will negate their power over you. For each obsession, ask “And what’s the worst that can happen?” until you get to the end and see that the worst result is not catastrophic. ROCD includes a gross overestimation of the negative consequences of staying in relationships or being alone.

5. Stop the comparisons.

Comparison is the fastest route to misery. Stop researching or collaborating with others about the fit of your partner. Check-in with yourself whenever you find you’re ruminating about the relationship. This includes comparing your real relationship with those nauseating social media versions that you can “thumbs-up” later when they inevitably split.

Attraction and arousal wax and wane. Expecting yourself to always find your partner attractive, or to always be interested in sex is setting yourself up for discontent.

6. Realize that risk is scary, but regret is scarier.

Be willing to sit with the anxiety caused by the thought that you may not be committing to the “right” person. To live life fully one must take risks, or face regrets. Once you stop pursuing a futile quest for certainty, you can move forward. Seeking assurances is a compulsion that increases OCD thinking patterns.

7. Give yourself the present of presence.

Mindfulness is a skill that is practiced and perfected little by little … like using chopsticks to eat a salad. Mindfulness meditation encourages the practitioner to observe wandering thoughts as they drift through the mind. The intention is not to get involved with the thoughts or to judge them, but simply to be aware of each mental note as it arises. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develops and you become Yoda-like.

Don’t worry — meditating is easier than you might think.

Sit or lie comfortably in a quiet setting. Close your eyes. Make no effort to control the breath; just breathe naturally. Maintain your focus and attention on your breath and on how your body moves with each inhalation and exhalation. Each time your mind drifts to your thoughts, refocus back to your breaths.

8. Grab a pen and get mighty.

Research has shown that journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively and even improve your health. University of Texas at Austin psychologist and researcher James Pennebaker found that regular journaling strengthens immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Writing about stressful events helps you accept them, thereby reducing the impact of the stressors on your mental and physical health.

9. Remember that you cannot control your thoughts.

And that’s okay! It may appear that you can, but it only backfires with more obsessions and compulsions. What matters is what we do with our thoughts. Pay attention to your breathing and notice where in your body you are feeling the melee. Stay with that for a few minutes. Then notice where you feel the most comfortable. Then stay with that. Shift back and forth slowly for about 15 minutes. Do this every day.

10. Get by with a little help.

Notice your past relationships. How often have similar doubts shown up in your life? If there is a pattern, do not break off the relationship until you have practiced these skills, or consulted with a professional therapist. Like other OCD symptoms, relationship OCD symptoms require psychological intervention if causing significant distress.

 

20 Pros and Cons of Social Media Use (as seen in “Success Magazine,” December 2017)

My generation grew up in an era not known for leaps in technological advances. The lack of fun, lithium-ion powered iThings forced us to engage in antiquated traditions like going outside, socializing or reading. On the upside, living offline allowed us to keep screw-ups to limited audiences. We also experienced less bullying, anxiety and depression than later peers.

Today, we often perceive anyone who shuns social media as old or out of touch. However, they might be the most mentally fit among us. In reality, most people have little awareness of the frequency with which they check their phones. In a 2015 study, participants checked their phones an average of 85 times each day and spent 5.05 hours per day using their smartphone. This is concerning because several studies and researchers have associated social media with several psychiatric disorders, including depressive symptoms, anxiety and low self-esteem.

Consider these 10 notable pro and con stances regarding social media use.

PROS:

  1. Messaging on social media sites can lead to face-to-face interactions when plans are made via the sites.
  2. Social media increases voter participation and facilitates political change.
  3. Social media helps reduce loneliness of senior citizens who are socially isolated.
  4. Social media allows for quick diffusion of public health and safety information during crisis events.
  5. The U.S. military and the Department of Veterans Affairs use social media to help prevent suicide.
  6. Social media can help disarm social stigmas like anxiety or depression.
  7. Crowdsourcing on social media allows people to attain a goal, empowering users to achieve positive change.
  8. Social media provides academic research to a wider audience, allowing people access to previously inaccessible educational resources.
  9. Social media sites can help improve overall well-being by providing users with a large social group creating a “contagion” effect.
  10. Professional networking sites like LinkedIn greatly assist companies to find personnel and job seekers to find work.

CONS:

  1. Social media posts cannot be entirely deleted.
  2. Social media can endanger our military, journalists and activists.
  3. Social media use is associated with personality and brain disorders.
  4. Students who are heavy social media users tend to have lower grades.
  5. Social media can exacerbate feelings of disconnect and put children at higher risk for anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders and even suicide.
  6. Criminals can use social media to commit and promote crimes.
  7. Social media can be a drain on time and use up hours that you can’t get back.
  8. Advertising practices of social media sites may create an invasion of privacy.
  9. Social media facilitates sexting, which can lead to revenge porn, criminal charges and a proliferation of personal images.
  10. Social media use can cause personality and brain disorders, ADHD and self-centered personalities—particularly in youth.

Most people experience huge benefits from taking a social media break. There is a way in which cultivating and maintaining your online identity can replace an authentic connection to your true self. The more grounded you are in your authentic value as a human being, the less likely you are to be a heavy user of social media and also to be negatively affected by it.

For example, if you know that your value is deeper and more complex than what you post and how many likes and comments you receive, then you are probably social media resilient.

The more grounded you are in your authentic value as a human being, the less likely you are to be a heavy user of social media and also to be negatively affected by it.

20 Stealthy Mental Filters That Are Sabotaging You (as seen in “Success Magazine,” October 2017)

There is no upside to negative thinking. It does not prep you for life events, ward off malicious mojo or prevent worrisome outcomes. It does the opposite. It also causes face furrows, addictions, mental disorders, insomnia and heart disease. Most of us unknowingly use automatic thought distortions (aka, mental filters) to subvert ourselves. When we stop, we become models of happiness, positive energy and efficiency.

A mental filter is one type of cognitive distortion. It is a biased way of thinking about ourselves or the world around us. The core issue lies within the troubling emotional states and behaviors yielded by these irrational thoughts and beliefs that include unpleasant mental states and behaviors like anxiety, depression and conflicts.

There are dozens of common mental filters we use within our daily lives. Here are 20 that will directly inhibit or prevent your daily joy and successes.

  1. Negative predicting involves foretelling the future in a negative light. There are typically just as many reasons something can go right. Assuming you will nervously botch an upcoming presentation is just a thought steeped in pessimism. Channel that nervous energy into poise and a standing O.
  2. Unrelenting standards is the mindset that extremely high standards are required to avoid calamity. There are often no measurable benefits of doing a task beyond a basic acceptable level, and many such tasks exceed opportunity costs. The question is not, “‘Does anal retentive’ have a hyphen?” The question is, “Does it matter?”
  3. Black and white thinking allows no middle ground or shades of gray. It’s a “nothing succeeds like excess” sort of mindset. Such polarized thinking fails to recognize that there are usually other reasonable options. If you insist on all or nothing, you will likely end up with nothing.
  4. Musterbation involves having steadfast rules about how you and others should or must behave. The emotional consequence when expectations are not met is anger, frustration, resentments and guilt. The road to hell is paved with “shoulds” and “oughts.”
  5. Self-serving bias. For many, being right is more important than the facts or feelings of others. However, this thinking pattern has deep consequences such as alienation from others, and a difficulty in forming and sustaining healthy relationships. Do you want to be peaceful, or do you want to be lonely and right?
  6. Basing future decisions on sunk costs. Whether a tanking stock, a bad relationship or a failing business, cutting losses is tough. Sunk costs occur due to emotional attachments that lead to irrational investing despite mounting losses. Sort of like casino gambling.
  7. Fallacy of fairness distortion assumes that things have to be measured based on fairness and equality, when in reality things often don’t work that way. Life isn’t fair for everyone, so doesn’t that make life fair?
  8. Underestimating coping ability to handle negative events is a mindset of many who have not previously been held to the fire. What doesn’t kill you gives you coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.
  9. Entitlement is a filter that causes the belief that the same rules that apply to others should not apply to you. You can’t spell “entitlement” without “i” and “me.” But imagine a world where a sense of service and gratitude replaced entitlement and expectation.
  10. Repeating the same behavior hoping for different results is Einstein’s definition of insanity. For example, expecting that if you keep nagging your direct reports that they will meet deadlines, when it hasn’t happened yet.
  11. Personalizing is a thought distortion and belief that things others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to you. This type of thinking can also cause you to blame yourself for things outside your control. You can’t please everyone. You’re not pizza.
  12. Blaming is the opposite of personalizing, but a lot more satisfying. Blaming is a mental filter where you hold other people responsible for your adversities.
  13. In-group bias is a tendency to trust and respect people who are like you more than those from different backgrounds and experiences. For an enriching paradigm shift, consider tapping into the brain trust of those outside your circle of influence. Smart and inclusive looks good on anyone.
  14. Overthinking is a mindset that worry and rumination will lead to solutions. Overthinking can actually impair our problem-solving ability and is a direct route to unhappiness. If you question the answers too many times, you will never answer the questions.
  15. Multitasking doesn’t extend beyond peeing in the shower. When you are multitasking, you are actually task (and attention) shifting. We are born to monotask. Multitasking is doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.
  16. Failure to chill. According to a report by job site Glassdoor, only 23 percent of workers surveyed said they used all of their paid time off in the last 12 months. Taking the time to revitalize reduces anxiety and depression while increasing productivity. You need more than just restroom breaks.
  17. Cheating on your goals in lieu of making it up later. Spending workdays on your fantasy football draft with plans to make it up later in the week is self-sabotage. Often, your planned positive behaviors never happen. Goals come in two flavors: one day or day one. You decide.
  18. Doubling-down on a failed strategy hoping it will eventually yield positive results. Long ago, Kenny Rogers taught us, “You got to know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em.” There is a fine line between genius and insanity. Don’t erase that line.
  19. Catastrophizing is being extremely well educated about all the things that could go wrong while always expecting the worst. A person who is catastrophizing might lose a sale and instantly think he or she will be fired and live in a van eating ramen and regret.
  20. “I can’t change my way of thinking.” Rather than convincing yourself that changing mentalities is too hard, aim for small reductions in your negative automatic thoughts, at 10 percent, for example. You will immediately obtain benefits while working toward the goal. You can still see the glass as half-full. Just not half-full of poison.

How to Change Thinking Patterns and Cognitive Distortions

Thought patterns and mental filters change through a process called cognitive restructuring or reframing. By adjusting your automatic thoughts each day, you can influence your emotions and behaviors.

  • Identify your automatic negative thoughts (cognitive distortions).

Create a list of your troublesome thoughts. An examination of your cognitive distortions allows you to recognize which distortions you favor.

  • What—if any—evidence is there to support them?

Try to identify the basis for your distorted thoughts, and then challenge them. What evidence do you truly have to support these beliefs? There are likely far more instances where you had success and things went well.

  • Peer review.

Seek the opinions of others about whether your thoughts and outlooks are accurate. If you truly believe that your colleagues have it in for you, refer to a few trusted peers for objectivity.

  • Find the shades of gray.

Rather than thinking about your situation in a black or white polarity, assess things on a scale of 0 to 100. Things not materialized can be seen as partial successes rather than failures. Those partial victories are the savory gradations.

Don’t believe everything you think.

Tackling Teen Anxiety (as seen in Diablo Magazine, June 2017)

A Fremont native’s new book helps parents of teens struggling with anxiety.

BY LOU FANCHER

When he was 13, Jon Patrick Hatcher began cutting himself, and he wrestled with years of substance abuse and panic attacks. As his parents struggled to understand him, they decided their son would benefit from professional help. Talk therapy—and Hatcher’s instinctive sense of humor—were key to helping him accept, acknowledge, and manage his anxiety.

Decades later, Hatcher, who got an M.A. from Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo, met Thomas McDonagh, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist in San Francisco. It was a perfect matchup that led to their new book, 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety: Simple Tips, Techniques, and Strategies for Overcoming Anxiety, Worry, and Panic Attacks.

Hatcher writes with a touch of humor, a tool he still uses to combat the anxiety he will never completely eliminate. We talked to the Fremont-raised author about his new book, why talk therapy is so effective, and practical things parents can do—and not do—to help their teenagers struggling with anxiety.

Q: Why did you write 101 Ways?

A: You can survive is really my message. If you look at the most brilliant minds on the planet, people like Einstein, they suffer a double-edged sword of depression and anxiety. The premise I want to get out is that it’s OK: Anxiety doesn’t define the rest of your life, and there are therapies designed to get you through it. If this reaches one kid out there and helps [him or her], that’s my mission.

Q: What should parents know about teen anxiety?

A: When teens react in an anxious state, they perceive the world in a vastly different, threatening way. A teen might act like a ferocious animal. If they self-
medicate, that might add to the out-of-control impression. What works isn’t telling a teen to calm down; it’s empathy and diplomacy that work best.

Q: What are some things parents can do to help their kids cope with anxiety?

A: Pay close attention to your [children’s] symptoms and what they might be telling you, while not discounting their feelings. Remind your [teens] that anxiety is what they’re feeling and not who they are. Keep in mind that anxiety is not an indicator of poor parenting. Anxiety disorders affect over 25 percent of all teens. Try to keep your fears to yourself and present a positive—or at least neutral—assessment and attitude of the situation. Consider adding some humor where you’re able. Humor is proven to help us deal with disappointments and uncertainties.

Model positive behavior and good self-care. If you take care of yourself, your child will learn that self-care is an important facet. Promote good sleep. A lack of sleep alone can lead to problematic anxiety. Help them get into a routine that prepares them for relaxation. This can include simple meditative breathing exercises or guided meditations. After asking them to share their fears and anxieties, prompt them to problem solve what is causing them anxiety, and help them to develop an actionable plan to counter their distress. Once you have implemented some of the aforementioned, keep the momentum [going]. Only through repetition of anxiety management techniques will your child learn how to counter and manage future stressful scenarios or periods of anxiety—particularly if the anxiety is long-term or chronic.

Q: What should parents not do?

A: Avoid making the problem worse: If parents haven’t had anxiety themselves, they might unintentionally create more anxiety by telling their teen that there’s dangerous stuff out there. Don’t overreact to teen drama. Remember, the teen brain is undergoing constant change. Offer empathy and help from a mental health professional.

Q: Why did you use humor in this book, and in what ways do you find humor useful – or even necessary?

A: The most successful, inadvertent coping technique I developed to alleviate anxiety in my own life is by sourcing the humor in the angst. That said, it definitely does not take away from the serious nature of the subject. Nor does it trivialize anyone’s suffering. It simply makes the material more approachable and relatable.

Q: How can teens avoid becoming overwhelmed?

A: The media show dramatic situations; news headlines make it seem like the world is falling apart; social media is like a mental filter that causes misperception. [Limit] time spent on social media platforms. Start with creating phone-free times. Parents might consider spending time offering their children specific alternatives to daily social media use that include school- or community-based sports, academic and social clubs, pursuing creative or artistic interests, and even volunteering. Engaging in talk therapy with a licensed psychologist [is also] important for managing extreme anxiety.

Q: What are your thoughts on medicating kids who suffer from anxiety versus using talk therapy?

A: I do feel we’re overmedicating kids. Parents [often] demand it, physicians feel put on the spot, and teens aren’t getting the skills they need in therapy. That said, there’s definitely a place for medication in chronic anxiety and depression—especially if a teen talks of suicide and practices self-harm. A pill is easy, and the effect is quicker than acquiring the skills of therapy. But the skills are going to last longer and have fewer side effects. I emphasize therapies and say always bring in a medical professional for medication and a licensed psychologist for mental health support.

Q: Therapy can be effective in managing teen stress, but what can we do about the stigma attached to mental health issues like depression and anxiety?

A: We’ve come a long way, but kids are still bullied, mental health is played down, and kids are told they’re flawed. Cutbacks in programs to help people who need mental health support have made it worse. A lot of people play down the suffering of any mental illness. The brain is an organ like any part of the human body. We don’t say the person with diabetes suffers insulin shock on purpose. We have to have more empathy.

Q: What other types of therapies have you found to be most helpful?

A: Evidence-based therapies that are the most researched and effective that helped me are cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. Cognitive breaks down anxiety into thoughts, behaviors, and physical symptoms. It involves identifying and disputing irrational thoughts. Dialectical builds on the foundation of cognitive to help enhance it’s effectiveness and address specific concerns.

Q: What should a teen experiencing extreme anxiety do immediately? 

A: Go to an adult to ask for help. If teens feel different, if they think bad thoughts and don’t know why, they need to talk to an adult who is close. For immediate relief, they should use the four-by-four-by-four breathing technique recommended in my book. [Breathe in for four seconds; hold for four seconds; breathe out for four seconds. Do it four times.] It is clinically proven to calm the body. stateofanxiety.com.

I Don’t Feel Like Peopling: 10 Ways to Slay Social Anxiety (as seen in Reader’s Digest, June 2017)

At home and on social media, you’re an extroverted badass. In public, you become an isolationist dodging eye contact and handshakes, with a tendency towards agoraphobia and a general excitement over cancelled plans. Your favorite party trick is not going.

What is Social Anxiety?

The most common of all the anxiety disorders, social anxiety is an extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations. A little social anxiety is normal for everyone. However, when social anxiety becomes abnormal, it’s a self-serving, narcissist hell-bent on your full attention – like Kim Jong-un or Miley Cyrus.

Social anxiety disorder is an enigma in that it comprises a general distaste for peopling, with an opposing internal need for … people. But on your terms, and in limited doses. Social anxiety can save you money on all the fun things you would otherwise go out and do. The downside includes a sadistic focus on all things that can go wrong; nervously blurting everything you never wanted to say aloud just to fill conversational lulls; and performing extensive post-interaction analyses to scrutinize your perceived collective flaws.

How Does One Get Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety is contagious. Sort of. Researchers are learning that anxiety disorders run in families, and that they have a biological basis, much like allergies, diabetes, and bad taste. Anxiety disorders typically develop from a complex set of risk factors that include genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life experiences.

Neurosis Loves Company: The Social Anxiety Numbers

Anxiety is the most common mental illness for adults, and the number one mental health issue in North America (source: NIMH). Of all the anxiety disorders, social anxiety is the most common, with 15 million American adults suffering a social anxiety disorder, or 13 out of 100 people. The malady is equally common among men and women, and typically begins around age 13. Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about 1/3 of those suffering receive treatment.​

All of this supports a rationale for keeping a blank social calendar from an underground doomsday bunker. However, you can get out there and thrive. Here are 10 ways how:

  1. THROW A COUNTERPUNCH. Do not give in to what the anxiety is driving you to do. Instead, acknowledge it and say, “Hey, inner angst, I’m the shot caller and I came to party!” Whatever it is that counters the anxiety, do it. Each time you parry your fear, you are “rewiring” your brain and weakening anxiety’s hold on you. No one overcomes social anxiety who consistently avoids. Author and clinical professor of psychology at Weill-Cornell Medical School, Robert Leahy, Ph.D. stresses that, left untreated, social anxiety is associated with an increased risk foralcohol abuse, depression, loneliness, decreased occupational advancement and the increased likelihood of remaining single. Drunk, idle, sad, and alone is no way to live. Feel and face your anxiety – sober. You can actually do things while anxious and realize nothing bad happens.
  2. EXPOSE YOURSELF. Many studies demonstrate the efficacy of exposure-based therapies for anxiety disorders, as summarized in several published meta-analyses according to Johanna S. Kaplan, PhDand David F. Tolin, PhD in Psychiatric Times. (“Exposure Therapy for Anxiety Disorders,” September 2011). We avoid what frightens us and, in return, are frightened by what we avoid. Expose rather than avoid by creating an exposure hierarchy. Write down scenarios that cause you anxiety in order of severity. Perform the easiest behavior first, and move down the list. Your hierarchy might start with asking a stranger for directions, and end with asking your boss for a raise. It doesn’t matter if s/he laughs you out the door. It matters that you actually asked. Social anxiety wants you timid and poor.
  3. BECOME AN ASKHOLE. According to Mark Tyrell, therapist and co-founder of Uncommon Knowledge, asking questions makes for great social lubricant when you otherwise have nothing to say in a social setting. Ask open-ended questions such as, “How do you know the host?” Alternatively, try soliciting advice asking something like, “Does anyone have any good movie/book/sushi recommendations?” Ask follow-up questions that take the conversation deeper. Asking where the restroom or vodka is located, or when the party ends doesn’t count.
  4. GIVE YOURSELF LICENSE TO CHILL. The more you worry and let anxiety rule your days, the more you wire your brain to continue worrying and being anxious, while continually linking anxiety to specific events. Instead, consider yoga, tai chi, or visualization to prepare yourself. In Psychology Today, Eric R. Maisel Ph.D. emphasizes a visualization technique to lessen anxiety. Create a mental picture of relaxing. It could be at a beach sunset, watching a forest gently sway to a breeze, leaves falling silently in your backyard, etc. When you visualize, engage your other senses as well. What does the place smell and feel like? What do you hear? Do it every day for long enough that it becomes as natural as staring at your smartphone.
  5. PLUG YOUR NOSE. Try alternate nostril breathing. This is a simple, natural breathing technique for managing stress and anxiety. Close one nostril by placing your thumb gently over it. Breathe out then in through the uncovered nostril. After each breath cycle, switch sides. A breath cycle is one out-breath and one in-breath. Leading with your out-breath, do one out-breath followed by one in-breath through each nostril. Repeat this series, alternating nostrils after each inhalation. According to Ayurvedic medicine, alternate nostril breathing brings the body and mind into a state of balance and neutrality, and has been used by elite athletes for decades. It will likely be easier to breathe through one nostril than the other. You’re not deformed – it’s normal.
  6. PUMP-UP YOUR JAM. According to Dr. Lisa Legault of Clarkson University, “Practitioners who are interested in using self-affirmation as an intervention tactic in academic and social programming might be interested to know that the strategy produces measurable neurophysiological effects.” Pick a mantra, slogan, or verse to incite yourself prior to an event or performance.Psalm 55:22 is an example calming scripture: “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Alternatively, to get motivated to conquer, consider AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock.” Find your own song or chant that calms or inspires confidence as you head to a gathering or performance. Remember, anticipation of a worrisome social situation is usually worse than the actual event. Unless it’s going to prison.
  7. SILENCE “BOO.” Boo is the cruel cynic in your head relentlessly booing you, filling you with worry and doubt. Like a mother in law, but invisible. Dispute Boo’s negative rants with truths such as, (1) you are more than capable of nailing the upcoming marathon/wedding toast/hostage negotiation; (2) there are at least as many reasons things will go right for you; and (3) you are competent, skilled, and deserve to be happy! Ben Martin, Psy.D. presents four main types of challenging questions to negative thinking: (1) What evidence do you have for this thinking? (2) Are there any other ways you could look at this situation? (3) Is this situation as bad as you’re making it out to be? And, (4) What can you do to help yourself solve the problem or to feel better?
  8. STOP GIVING A #%@! what others think. Social anxiety is tied to feelings of being judged. The judgements and opinions of others have no reflection on your worth or talents. Social anxiety treatment includes learning to be flawed, while detaching approval from external sources. Being a perfectionist is fine in rocket science, but not when bringing Chex™ Mix to Bunco night. According to an American Psychological Association study, we consistently overestimate how much, and how badly, others think of us, causing us to be more inhibited and less impulsive and happy than we could be (“Do others judge us as harshly as we think? Overestimating the impact of our failures, shortcomings, and mishaps.” Savitsky, Kenneth; Epley, Nicholas; Gilovich, Thomas / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 81(1), Jul 2001, 44-56).
  9. PRESS LEVER FOR SNACK. Rather than berating yourself in post interaction analysis, practice self-reward. Not with rounds of tequila or tattoos. But commend yourself for attending the event, for being present, and for facing down your anxiety. Each time you counter your anxiety, you whittle away its power over you, while gaining confidence to step in the ring again. You are taking your life back one endeavor at a time. A tenet of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is the importance of rewarding yourself for exposing yourself to your fears. You deserve the adulation, and you will be more motivated to do it again if there are some self-high-fives or frozen yogurts on the back end.
  10. PHONE A FREUD. See your doctor or a mental health provider if anxiety disrupts your life or daily activities. You may need treatment to get better. Like a receding hairline, social anxiety happens gradually and initially without much notice. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment for social anxiety. Self-medicating is not.

Anxiety hates to dance. So get out there and dance.

Stressed, Anxious, or Depressed? The world can harsh your chill (as seen in Justine Magazine, May 2017)

As seen in Justine Magazine – April/May 2017

Only 35 years ago, anxiety did not exist as a diagnosis. Today it’s the most common form of mental illness. But ours is hardly the first troubled era humans have endured. Our predecessors bore much saltier times such as Black Death; World Wars I and II; The Great Depression; Slavery; and that time all the dinosaurs went missing.

Prolific news and social media can have us drowning in gloom. The only winners in this unhealthy arrangement are the advertisers who regularly interrupt 24-hour news streams of wheelchair thieves and otter-punchers to scare us into buying underground survival bunkers and anxiety pills.

Stress and anxiety are in the mind of the beholder.

Stress and anxiety share many of the same physical symptoms. Stress is a state of mental or emotional tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances. If you are stressed you feel anything from agitation or moodiness to a queasy stomach and chest pain. Anxiety is what one feels in reaction to the stress, and is worry that continues after the stressor is gone.

Anxiety can include feelings of nervousness, panic, insomnia, or doom about a pending event, life uncertainties, or even about nothing at all. Anxiety can further take the form of PTSD, OCD, panic disorders, phobias, or generalized anxiety disorder. It can make you feel cracked, neurotic, and cerebrally paralyzed.

Everyone experiences stress and anxiety at some point, and a little is beneficial. It kept your ancestors alive when a saber toothed tiger crept into their cave while they made s’mores. It keeps you sharp and motivated to respond to threats, deadlines, and unwelcomed Facebook tags. A problem exists, however, when there is too much stress; it becomes chronic, or leads to depression.

Simple ways to distinguish between stress and anxiety:

  • Unlike anxiety, stress is a response to daily pressures, while anxiety is more akin to fear and helplessness
  • Anxiety is classified as an actual mental disorder, stress is not
  • Stress is a response to a specific stressor, while anxiety often has no discernible cause
  • Stress typically goes away with the stressor, while anxiety tends to last longer and be more difficult to treat.
  • A diagnosis of anxiety requires persistence of symptoms for six months or more

With anxiety often comes depression, as the disorders are interlinked. Depression includes feelings of intense sadness, hopelessness, lethargy, and thoughts of death or suicide. Chronic stressful life situations can increase the risk of developing depression.

A prescription for quelling your angst:

When it comes to stress, anxiety, or depression, how you respond is vital. Consider using the following proven tactics:

  1. Stay grounded in the present. Depression is rooted in the past, and anxiety in future thinking.
  2. If anxiety spikes, implement 4x4x4 breathing (breathe in for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and do this 4 times).
  3. Channel nervous energy into something creative.
  4. Continually monitor your thoughts and dispute any that are negative.
  5. Cite three things for which you are grateful each day, no matter how small.
  6. Get to bed early and at the same time each night. And turn off the electronics to turn off your brain.
  7. Have a productivity goal (something from your “To-Do” list) and a pleasure goal (something from your “Fun-To-Do” list) each day.
  8. Eat well and exercise. Limit caffeine, eat your veggies, and stay active.
  9. Add yoga, prayer, or meditation daily.
  10. Practice Opposite Action. In other words, regularly counter what anxiety or depression is prompting you to do.

Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure everything out. You don’t.

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety

TeenAnxiety-PRO7 (3)

101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety is a funny and significant resource for any teen experiencing anxiety, and currently available at major retailers such as Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart, and Amazon, or here: Ulysses Press.

Nationwide surveys report that today’s teens feel significantly more stressed than any other generation. Whether they face problems with school, friends, parents, or all of the above, teens will find a wide variety of easy, stress-coping methods in 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety.

Based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), the most widely used and popular anxiety therapy among clinicians, the book helps teens simultaneously accept the existence of their negative emotions and choose to respond in healthy ways.

The authors also provide clear and concise explanations of the causes,   symptoms, and types of anxiety so that readers can stop attacks before they even begin. Teens cannot control what they think or feel, but they can control how they behave. Now, by following the proven and simple-to-use exercises they can achieve peace.

 

 

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