anxiety counseling

Men, Anxiety, and Depression: 8 Ways to Mind Your “Manxiety.”

Men don’t get a lot of compassion – not as a gender, not toward one another, and not toward ourselves. We are the more impulsive, less-refined gender that has not progressed much since our cave-dwelling days, though we’ve learned to use salad forks and sneeze into our arms.

Sadly, and perhaps due to our ruffian nature, men are often perceived as an expendable lot, regularly sent to do life’s dirty work like defusing IEDs or repossessing tractors. When duty calls, somewhere a willing man answers.

The standards of masculinity are making men sick

It’s our own culture that depicts men as the stronger sex. This might be true when it comes to opening new bottles of ketchup or scaling a tree to save a kitten. But when it comes to our mental health, men are subjected to a culture in which the standards of masculinity literally make us sick. Men comprise the majority suicides but the minority of mental health service users.

It’s a myth that men have only two feelings: hungry and horny. Male anxiety, depression, and suicide represent a silent crisis, and one of the biggest challenges in combating mental health disorders in men is that they are difficult to reach through traditional methods, like physicians or mental health programs. Moreover, their conditions are often masked by risky behaviors, self-harm, and substance abuse.

Anxiety and depression run feral and cloaked within many men. Most try to channel or compartmentalize it while it individually displays as forms of fatigue or apathy; insomnia or lethargy; substance abuse; irritability; conflict and anger; isolation; impulsivity and risky behaviors; mood swings; relationship and job problems; denial; self-criticism; aches, pains, or digestive problems; indecision; and suicidal thoughts. I personally distracted from my anxiety and depression with feats of athleticism and binge drinking, resulting in 13 orthopedic surgeries and countless broken bones. I had no choice but to become a writer: My hands were the only thing not in a cast or physical therapy.

Emotions have no gender

Many men are too obstinate or ashamed to seek help for anything involving their head except balding or a nail from an air gun. Sadly, men hide behind the facades they feel pressed to create. Men have come to accept many things, but being considered weak isn’t one of them. Yet forms of anxiety and PTSD are conditions of the tough-minded.

Mental disorders and illness don’t care if you’re a war vet, foreman, or florist. They’re indiscriminate mind sweepers. They can happen to anyone, at any age or gender. And it’s not “all in your head”; mental illness is a medical problem that can wreak havoc 24/7 like any ailment affecting any other organ. There are tactics, however, that will can you an advantage.

8 ways to mind your manxiety

Radical acceptance is the new denial. One option you have for any problem is radical acceptance.¹ Radical acceptance is about radically accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you can’t change. Radically and mindfully accept that you can’t control everything, and accept yourself, even when you feel unacceptable.
Coffee and booze lie to you. Caffeine sets unrealistic expectations for your daily productivity and can spike anxiety. Though low doses (200 mg) are known to improve cognitive performance, studies reveal higher anxiety levels in moderate and high caffeine consumers compared to abstainers.²Alcohol is a depressant that slows down the brain and the central nervous system’s processes and can make stress harder to deal with long-term. “Living your best life” and “liquor” are antonyms.
Let me hear your body talk. Channel nervous energy, stress, and even depression into a regular exercise program. Physical exercise increases brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) expression, and many researchers now believe that regular exercise is the single best way to produce BDNF to naturally alter mood and reduce anxiety.³
Your bed is a time machine to pancakes. Sleep problems greatly exacerbate stress and anxiety, so promote good sleep hygiene: Get to bed early and at the same time each night. Turn off the electronics to turn off your thoughts and your stress. Research indicates that REM sleep may play an especially significant role in maintaining emotional well-being and psychological balance.⁴
Your cheat meal shouldn’t be a month long. Some say you can’t spell “salad” without “sad,” but there’s a direct correlation between a healthy diet and a positive mindset. During times of stress, we often turn to fast or processed foods which make us feel sluggish and less able to deal with stress. “Brain food,” such as the antioxidants in fruits and vegetables, is seen as improving cognitive function and idling with the prevention or easing of many stress-related mental disorders.⁵You’re doing it right if there’s no food at home, but just a bunch of ingredients to make food.
Plug your nose. Try alternate nostril breathing (aka, yogic breathing). This is a simple, natural breathing technique from Ayurvedic medicine that brings the body and mind into a state of balance and neutrality. Close one nostril by placing your thumb gently over it. Exhale; then inhale through the uncovered nostril. After each inhale/exhale (a breath cycle), switch sides. Then, leading with your out-breath, do one out-breath followed by one in-breath through each nostril. Repeat this series, alternating nostrils after each inhalation. It will likely be easier to breathe through one nostril than the other. You’re not deformed; it’s normal.
Be a freak of nature. A Stanford study found quantifiable evidence that walking in nature can reduce stress and lead to a lower risk of depression.⁶ By 2050, 70 percent of people will live in urban areas. Urbanization is associated with increased levels of mental illness, but it’s not yet clear why. Summer in the city ain’t where the living’s so easy. Anymore.
Get a mental spotter. Phone a Freud and get help through therapy. The easiest standard to use is that if your emotions are starting to interfere with daily life functioning, it’s time to get professional help. Make an appointment with your doctor or a mental health provider because you may need treatment to get better. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment for anxiety. A therapist can help restore you to factory settings.

It’s perfectly acceptable to be a male experiencing anxiety. Iron Man had chronic anxiety and he saved the world.

“He Died Doing What He Loved” (and other lies)

Is there anything you love doing so much that you wouldn’t mind dying while you did it?

Erotic asphyxiation? Gender reveal firework? Tiger selfie? Telling someone you’re vegan? Probably not. Why? Because if you love doing something , no matter what it is, you want to keep doing it. Which you can’t do if you’re dead.

We all die while doing what we love: living. But most of us don’t want to die doing it. And doesn’t the pain of your life ending surpass any love for whatever you were doing in the moment?

I don’t know who combined the facets of dying and doing what you love. These are mutually exclusive events that don’t go together. At all. It’s like saying, “At least he choked to death on a scallop because he loved seafood.” In this instance, he choked to death. He also loved mollusks. So why sugar butter coat it?

It’s always loved ones who proclaim this cliché because it gives them a semblance of peace. Like, just by saying it we can feel better imagining Ken the kiteboarder slamming face-first into the side of that sailboat with a toothy grin on his face knowing his death had meaning despite the skull numbing impact of forehead to fiberglass hull.

I love horses. But if one kicked me to death in the face I’d slip into the afterlife having regretted ever loving the equine genus.

And consider the Texas rattlesnake handler who died after he was bitten at a festival in South Texas in April, 2022. Despite 20-years of snake handling experience, Eugene De Leon Sr. was handling rattlesnakes in front of a crowd when he was bitten on the shoulder. His family stated on Facebook that (hold for surprise) “snake handling was his passion, and he died doing what he loved.”

We’d never say this if someone died of drug addiction. Which is biased since drugs were obviously their hobby and passion. “At least he died doing what he loved – shooting up.”

And what about all those who die in their sleep? Who doesn’t love sleeping? But you’ll never hear anyone eulogized this way because it doesn’t sound right. Which is why it’s more about the survivors than the deceased. The dead person doesn’t care if everyone knows they loved napping. Anyone over the age of five loves napping.

Personally, if I died doing what I loved it would be while canceling plans. And my obituary should reflect the truth. “Jon is survived by the few people he had left after bailing on most everyone else.”

We use a lot of euphemisms when it comes to death. He passed, he expired, he departed, he left this world, he’s no longer with us, etc. Then there are the myriad of platitudes we use to comfort others during a loss: “He’s no longer suffering;” “He’s in a better place;” “He’s looking down watching over us;” “He lived a full life;” and … “He died doing what he loved.”

Find what you love and let it kill you. – Charles Bukowski

Making new friends as a man is hard because we don’t want them. At our peril.

I used to be the life of the party and hoarded friends like wine corks. I don’t know when or why I acquiesced on solitude, but today I prefer HBO and my own company. And it was long before a pandemic afforded me the excuse for social exile. As I age, I also find myself more disagreeable. I sometimes want to socialize, but on my terms.

I made my teen best friend in seconds when we were both walking our dogs after school. It was as seamless then as clicking “add friend” on social media is today. Except we had real world depth, and would go on to create years of delinquent memories. When I see someone walking a dog today, I only talk to the dog.

Making new friends as an adult is like navigating a Costco by finger in the dark. Most of us don’t even know where to start. For males, it’s now a crisis and hits our mental health and wellbeing hard. Loneliness is correlated with longevity. It’s a risk factor for health problems such as cardiovascular disease and stroke.

Men often give up relationships in lieu of financial pursuits. Research suggests that focusing on the accumulation of wealth and material goods results in less overall happiness and satisfaction in relationships. Color me obvious.

But relationships with other people have more of an impact on our physical health and longevity than do our genes. Science says so. (Mineo, 2017, Vedantam, 2018). A life of satisfying relationships can extend longevity by up to 22 percent. Furthermore, research supports loneliness as a risk factor comparable to smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure.

Party of one, drinks for two.

These are the culprits for our aversion to making new friends and manly kumbaya:

Low trust
Lack of time
Introversion
Fear of rejection
And being too picky

One study found that the most important factors were “low trust,” followed by “lack of time” and “introversion.” There are also the selfish “variants of concern” that exacerbate male loneliness. Whenever we’re reemerging from our man sheds, a new variant provides another excuse to turtle and hunker. With no discernible pandemic end, men have ditched their homies to be homey.

The next time someone asks you for directions, give them directions to your house.
“See you in 20-minutes, new best friend.”

The upside of being a writer is that I can accrue “friends” I’ll never know or meet, but they’re out there … somewhere. Publishing is like socially extending myself without the teeth, handshakes, and cover charges.

Sometimes I’ll meet a fellow man and think he’d be cool to hang-out with. But how do you swoon another grown man without getting scissor kicked? Such advances could be misconstrued as sociopathic. I too question the motives of affable men. Are they trying to sell me a timeshare or skincare regimen? What if they’re a realtor, or worse: a “life coach?”

I’ve recently made male friends, but they don’t feel like my buddies of yore. They either drink too much or not enough; their big houses make me question my own career endeavor; they’re breeders with kids; or I find reasons not to like them. Plus, it’s easier to spend hours on social media seeking validation from pseudo friends.

THERAPIST: “Anyways…”
ME: “’Anyways’ isn’t a word. I think you meant ‘anyway.’”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were discussing your difficulty in making new friends.”

The #1 facet keeping adults in general from making new friends is … effort. Otherwise, it’s just two people saying “we should hang-out sometime” repeatedly until one of you dies. In absence of visiting a Man Park, there are other ways to leverage your social aptitude to make friends.

HOW TO MAKE MAN MATES:
Effort + Momentum = A New Friend

Making friends as an adult requires the same key facet as making friends as a child: Find something in common and go from there. “I see you’ve created a tiny human. I too have done this.” Or “Nice cobra tattoo. Check out my Tinkerbell.” Despite the awkwardness, be the one to reach out and suggest an activity – whether inviting coworkers to an outdoor happy hour or hitting Top Golf with high school or college pals.
Another easy way to make more friends as a man is to reconnect with old friends. They know you best after all. There’s nothing like reconnecting with old friends with whom you share life legacy, and who knew you used to drink Natty Light in your Camaro mullet.
In absence of a cache of former friends, you can …*shudder*… make new ones. Maybe it’s the guy who spot you at the gym on bench press, a coworker, a church men’s group, or a Pikachu Expedition Club. Consider joining social media groups for areas of interest. The gym is where I met many friends until Covid, and switching to spin biking in place at home to Netflix.
Join social media groups related to your hobbies or areas of interest. I recently joined online hydrofoil, SUP, and NorCal snowshoeing groups to join outings. I haven’t attended any yet, but everything starts with intent, all while reminding myself that: Effort – Momentum = No New Friends.
And if your life partner is your only friend, invite another couple out for a hike or over for dinner. Just don’t be the fourth wheel.

What I’ve learned in talking to other men, is that once I open the ‘vulnerability kimono’ and mention how tough it is to befriend other guys, they universally agree. In fact, I’ve yet to encounter another man who doesn’t struggle with it. It’s a wonder I haven’t started a dude’s friendship bracelet kiosk in the mall.

If you need another man friend, I’ll be the Chandler to your Joey. But I’m not joining your MLM or football pool.

Male Anxiety (“Manxiety”): The Lesser Known of the Anxiety Genders

Despite driving a pickup and owning steel-toed boots, I’m not a “man’s man.” I don’t look or sound tough, and I feel awkward at Home Depot. I own a gun, but it’s for caulking bathrooms. My life is a dichotomy in that I’ve spent years in Taekwondo, love football and rodeos, but have an affinity for frozen yogurt and watching Netflix with merlot and soy vanilla candles next to my cats, Thelma & Louise. I attribute my temperament to genes and California hippy tap water.

The origins of personal traits, to include anxiety, can be biological, environmental, or inadvertently “seed-planted” by anxious parents. Male anxiety (aka, “manxiety”) is clinically contagious if you’re around it long enough. My dad, a manly victim of indecisiveness, often had me second-guessing my own life choices, or not making one at all. To this day, I’m often paralyzed by an Applebee’s lunch menu or yellow traffic light.

Men are stalwarts of resolve with an uncanny ability to chug beer, char meat, and kill one another.

We recognize that our cars and lawn mowers need tune-ups and diagnostic tests, but we rarely wash our feet in the shower, let alone visit a physician for our own check-ups – especially for anything regarding the brain. And when we don’t prioritize our own wellbeing, neither do others. If you’re a man with anxiety, however, the norms become skewed and irrational.

I grew-up a hypochondriac certain that every pain, rash, bump, or twitch was something malignant or terminal. I visit the hospital countless times per year while spending the equivalent of a Range Rover of backup dancers on annual copays. What I thought was testicular cancer was an inguinal hernia from doing deadlifts. What I was certain was genital herpes was an ingrown hair. What I feared was Lyme Disease was an allergic reaction to grass. And what I accepted as a heart attack turned out to be … anxiety.

Only twice did I not go to a hospital when I should have. The first was at 18 while suffering intense chest pains and labored breathing because I had unknowingly collapsed a lung. In my defense, I thought it was heartburn. The second was when I intermittently pee’d blood over a 10-month stint. A rational man would interpret hematuria as the ultimate motivation for a hospital visit. But the only thing worse than my fear of potential hospice, was the anxiety of a pending cystoscopy.

Consequently, I settled on platinum level denial until I landed in surgery and chemo. Ignorance is a prickly muse. With chronic male anxiety, it’s torturous to determine what warrants an ER visit versus antacids. And when it came to my mental health, I handled it like most men: denial, distraction, and drugs. In that order.

Most men with anxiety have no idea what’s wrong with them – like Bill Bixby in “The Hulk,” they just feel “off.”

Denial and distraction are why so many men walk around as functioning alcoholics or addicts. In the absence of knowing any better or a willingness to seek help regarding male anxiety, we plug the holes however we can. But if you treated any other disorder by ignoring or avoiding it, the outcome would be similarly grim. You can ignore asthma and diabetes for a while too. But every disorder has its dues.

Since anxiety, depression, and all disorders of the mind are still largely stigmatized among men, my first coping tactic was denial; lest I appear weak and vulnerable among my peers. “While some may consider this a stereotype – that men do not seek help for mental health issues – it is statistically correct… men are much more stigmatized by any admission of a psychiatric illness and are much less likely to seek treatment,” cites Sammie LaMont Moss, MD, a psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Denver.

This is particularly troublesome as depression and anxiety in men are more likely to manifest in substance abuse and suicidal behavior. “We often see in the clinical setting that an attempt to address anxiety can manifest in different ways. For example, men will turn to substances like alcohol or cannabis for some immediate relief, which can cause long-term, harmful effects,” says Moss.

How anxiety presents in men:

I’m an exceptionally kind and empathetic guy, but anxiety makes me irritable and angry. If I’m forced to socially interact or deal with a rude stranger, I become a Chupacabra with a flashpoint of Aqua Net. I expend great effort trying to determine when I’m feeling anxious before it defaults to a felony persona. But distinguishing between anxiety and petulance requires Maharajah level introspection.

“Due to the social pressure that men experience based on the unwritten rule that men are to be strong and in control at all times, anxiety is not easily identifiable in men, even if that man’s anxiety has reached overwhelming levels” says San Diego psychologist and singer/songwriter, Dr. Bruce Thiessen. “Many of the symptoms may express somatically, in the form of medical problems or conditions, such as ulcers, back pain, hypertension and the like,” he says.

Chicago-based clinical psychologist and founder of the LEAP Center for Anxiety, Dr. Dustin Siegel, agrees. “A lot of men have been told their whole lives to ’man up’ or ‘be tough.’ It’s hard for many men to talk to someone else about their vulnerabilities, and one of the paradoxical truths about mental health is that the more a person – male or female – tries to bottle-up their feelings, the more likely they are to develop a problem.”

If I simply ignored my feelings of angst, I could pretend anxiety didn’t exist for me. But denial wasn’t designed nor intended to work long-term. And when denying anxiety exacerbated problems, I turned to distraction. People’s secrets were always safe with me because I was never listening. Distraction is an effective but equally short-term, non-curative technique in countering stress or discomfort, in that it avoids addressing the core issue.

How does chronic anxiety for men differ in anxiety for women?

“The most obvious signs of male anxiety are the physical ones,” says Psychiatrist and Chief Medical Officer at Success TMS, Dr. Lindsay Israel. “Men might find themselves going to the emergency room or their primary care provider with complaints of chest pain, fearful they are having a heart attack,” adds Israel. As men, we need to save our hearts for red meat and breakups.

Though anxiety is an equal opportunist, Israel shares that “women are twice as likely to develop an anxiety disorder as compared to men, and women are more likely to seek help for their anxiety symptoms. Therefore, men are more likely to develop severe symptoms of anxiety and possibly develop an additional depressive disorder due to the lack of treatment intervention.”

Dr. Thiessen confirms this assertion adding that, “men are also more likely to become aggressive, and to develop problems in their relationships, due to dysfunctional ways of expressing their anxiety. Many men turn to drugs alcohol, gambling, and personally-destructive sexual addictions to relieve chronic stress through escape,” says Thiessen.

In my case, I wielded distraction like artillery over my physical wellbeing. I over trained in the gym, over ran the trails, and over swam in the lap pool. But I also over imbibed alcohol. Drinking to distract is a futile endeavor. I would later harm-reduce to cannabis edibles, tinctures, and vapes. And on a few occasions, I casually overdid those too. Overdosing on sativa edibles leads to a nauseous, frenzied panic that is ruefully memorable with a hangover that rivals kerosene.

So, what to do with all this male anxiety?

Men are fixers. We often try to fix things and people that aren’t broke. It’s important to note that acute anxiety that prompts us to do our taxes or flee a K-pop mob is healthy. Once it becomes long term or chronic, however, it’s detrimental to one’s physical and mental health.

“One of the best ways for men to become comfortable with accepting that he has a mental health issue is to speak to other people,” says Moss. “Quite often a man will be surprised to learn how many other people are suffering similar difficulties. Finding out that you are not alone can go long way to help normalize what you’re experiencing,” adds Moss. Anxiety doesn’t always love company, but it loves perspective.

Thiessen upholds this tenant. “Men need to feel accepted, and not judged, for showing both strength and weakness. Society might judge them, mental health providers will not,” he says. In almost every instance where I’ve revealed my anxiety struggles to another man, he has replied in commiseration with his own. It’s not that I only talk with guys at wine bars or waiting outside Zara stores at malls. Rather it’s indicative of the ratio and cross section of men silently suffering from anxiety.

You don’t need a panic room; you need a panic plan.

There are simple and clinically effective things men can do to lower their anxiety:

Talk to your primary care provider who could potentially prescribe medication or refer you to other specialists who can help. “This is also an area where group therapy, segregated by gender, may help – particularly for men who are stigmatized and think they’re being seen as weak or as a victim. Learning what other men experience can help break that stigma,” highlights Moss.
There are phone apps for anything from interpreting your cat’s meows, to fermenting mead in your man-shed, to treating your anxiety while preserving your privacy. Moss encourages his patients to leverage smart phone apps like Calm, myStrength, and Headspace. Digital therapeutics are a thing now.
Biofeedback, medications such as SSRIs, SNRIs, and in more recent years, neuromodulation such as TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) are all effective options of treatment for anxiety disorders. “Typically, it is not any one modality that targets these symptoms for a person, it is more often a combination of various modalities that gives the most optimal results,” says Israel.
Physical exercise is an exceptional way to relieve anxiety. “Exercise prevents an excessive buildup of cortisol in the body, while increasing levels of epinephrine and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters that modulate of anxiety, and regulate mood and emotion, yielding a sense of peace of mind,” cites Thiessen. Hakuna Masquata, fellow men. Moss suggests also integrating healthy lifestyle choices, nutritious eating, and limiting harmful substances like alcohol and cannabis.

More than just the ‘greatest hits’ to contest male anxiety, this is my own triage to maintaining a career, relationships, and a life largely unfettered by the cerebral minesweeper of anxiety.

Because there’s no place like “om.”

Real Friends Don’t Leave You Behind When You Tie Your Shoes

Humans are incapable of unconditional love and support. We aren’t Jesus or Golden Retrievers. But friendships often get tested, which can determine if they fulfill even the basic tenets of a steadfast alliance.

Nothing separates friendship wheat and chaff like personal crisis.

The issue has less to do with the strength of the bond, and more with our individual strength of character. Therefore, you’ll see fringe acquaintances rise above all expectations during hard times, while lifetime “besties” often fall flat in providing emotional support … or helping you move.

I avoid risky physical endeavors so I’m not rendered paralyzed or suffer a traumatic brain injury, because few of my friends are inherently kind enough to drop-off Miller Lite and Advil or remove my Christmas tree without wondering what’s in it for them. I’ve replaced these friends with ones I can rely on, like Instacart and Uber Eats.

“I’m Sorry I annoyed you with my unwavering friendship.”

When my mom’s cancer recently spread to her brain, requiring an ominous surgery, I didn’t see her for months while she was hospitalized due to Covid protocols. “Close” friends knew full-well of my struggle. But after two weeks, the check-ins ceased. As if sending a text was too cumbersome. I realized that my friendships existed only because of sarcasm and alcohol. Truth is that many people don’t have enough nice-juice to sustain lengthy compassion or empathy.

Some people are simply too distracted or facing their own trials to tap into much more. They need your crisis to abate before you quickly drain them of their courtesy reserves. Guys are the worst with this; unless they’re a pastor or bartender.

In 2020, support of any kind became a luxury, with an entire populace spread thin contending with the flurry of bummer-hail reigning down. But care still abounds – you just need to know where to find it. Here are a few “ins:”

1. IN an Animal Shelter. Consider adopting/rescuing a pet. The positive emotional and mental impact a pet (or, four) can have is both quantifiable and immeasurable.

2. IN a Side-Hustle. Jump hastily into a passion project or side hustle. You aren’t defined by your job, unemployment, or mental state(s). You are the sum of your passions and related contributions. The World needs your gifts.

3. IN the Now. Stay rooted in the moment (aka, mindfulness), from one single instant to the next. Do not look to the past, and certainly don’t project into the future. There’s nothing in either place for you.

4. IN Beads of Sweat. Before you can vibe and attract the right people, you’ve got to be your best self in body, mind, and spirit. Exercise will get you 33.33% closer to the goal. Whether it’s regular walks or hikes, weightlifting, CrossFit, or taking your new rescue pup to the dog park, get your glisten on.

5. IN Volunteerism. Philanthropy is the quickest and most direct path out of your own head. It’s also bastes your psyche in much needed catharsis and perspective whenever things feel the direst. Start here: https://www.volunteermatch.org/

6. IN Introspection. There is considerable value in self-examination, to include analyzing your own motivations and actions. This includes examining why you attract and roll with your current tribe. Once you better understand yourself – whether by brief epiphany or wholly “knowing thyself” – you’ll allow only the highest caliber of people into your circle.

Be your own best friend first, and you’ll meet some equally awesome ones along the way.

In the meantime, you’ve got me and my rescues, Thelma & Louise.

The Relationship Between Anxiety and Grief

It’s no surprise that levels of anxiety are surging right now. Repeated waves of COVID-19, and the lockdowns they bring in their wake, make this an incredibly difficult time for our mental health. There are many contributing factors to anxiety – with our lifestyle, environment, genetics, and even hormonal imbalances all having their part to play.

What’s not always acknowledged for its role in anxiety, however, is grief.

Discussions about grief tend to focus on the feelings of sadness, loss and desolation that can follow the death of a loved one. What they rarely touch upon is how anxiety and grief are intrinsically bound up with one another. Even someone who has previously enjoyed low-levels of anxiety can be hit with a sudden unexpected tsunami of worry as they come to terms with their loss. In fact, many grief counsellors suggest that anxiety should be included as one of the stages of grief that we all have to go through.

Why do anxiety and grief so often go hand in hand? There are many reasons behind this, of course, and it’s impossible to cover them all, but the following points are some of the most important.

Bereavement is the most stressful event we will ever experience. Anxiety is exacerbated by stressful life events. These can be any number of things, with both marriage and divorce scoring highly as a potential stressor. Beating them all on the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory is the death of a spouse, with the death of a close family member a little further behind.

The death of a loved one reminds us that we are mortal. When we lose someone we love, we’re reminded just how little control we have over our lives. We’re all going to die at some point, and this realisation hits particularly hard after our first significant bereavement. How we come to terms with the fact of our own mortality will play a key role in the future quality of our lives.

Credit: Sandy Millar

We fear more loss. As well as bringing our own mortality into focus, grief reminds us that we may lose other people who are close to us. If we lose one parent, we may then be excessively anxious about losing the other. Intense anxiety may make it difficult to enjoy what time we have left with those we love.

Trauma teaches us to be anxious. Traumatic events can lead to what’s known as classical conditioning. If the news of our loved one’s death came in a phone call, then every time the phone rings we may fear the worst.

We may be anxious about our ability to cope. How will we manage without our loved one? We may fear that we won’t be able to take care of the practical and emotional challenges that we may face now that we’re on our own. In a particularly challenging year like 2020, these worries become even more pressing.

Credit: Thomas Bormans

You fear the intensity of emotions that grief can bring. Grief is a deeply unpleasant state to be in, and it can be overwhelming. Going through it, however, is vital if we’re to move forward in life. Many people, particularly if it’s their first experience of grief, work hard to push it away and move on. This creates anxiety around their own emotional responses.

You begin to overestimate the risk of negative life events. Before a significant loss, you might have had a generally benevolent view of life. Bereavement, particularly when you’ve lost someone who was relatively young or who died in tragic circumstances, can radically unsettle that world view. You may now overcompensate by overestimating the risk of accidents, serious illness or early death, leading to increased levels of anxiety.

Grief, whenever it comes, is a complex and, to a degree, mysterious state. It’s unavoidable for most of us, and how we respond to it can determine the future course of our lives as the pain starts to heal. Understanding the role our anxiety plays can be a valuable part of the grieving process. It can help us to accept, then begin to move through the painful emotions we are experiencing.

Myths We Tell Ourselves and Others to Ease Suffering

We tell people in the throes of adversity silly things in attempts to placate their angst. We also bask ourselves in a litany of clichés during stressful times to counter emotional suffering. We post them to social media, or tape them to our fridge next to that “Live, Love, Laugh” trope and the grocery list.

It’s not that we mean to be trite – it’s that we often don’t know what else to do or say to offer support.

Classic standby platitudes include the following:

God will never give you more than you can handle.
God never actually said this. Just ask Moses or Job. But it sounds nice, while imparting just enough hope to accept that spilled $6 latte or another mass shooting.
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
Tons of stuff can make you weaker … just before killing you. Have you ever seen someone bleed out?
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
What a cute little absurdity. Excrement, sweat, and urea are weaknesses leaving the body. Pain can stick around indefinitely.
Opportunity often comes disguised as adversity.
Opportunity doesn’t think this far in advance. Maybe it’s just shy, or likes surprising us. Either way, opportunity and adversity are as discernible as love and hate, or Michael Jackson skin tones through the decades.
The Serenity Prayer.
Maybe this one helps, I don’t know. I can never remember the words.
We have nothing to fear by fear itself.
FDR married his fifth cousin … do his mantras have any credibility? Also, there are plenty of things to fear, like dating apps, light beer, or former child actors. His point is moot.
God helps those who help themselves.
I fell for this one too. Stand back, mere mortal – God doesn’t need our help.
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.
I’m a rabid fan of Robert Frost, but his death in 1963 negates this proverbial gem.

There’s a reason canned, verbal peps don’t work: They’re simply not true. Can you think of a single instance of personal suffering where you recited anything similar, and felt a change in your emotions or mindset? We aren’t The Little Engine that Could.

When my grandmother, Hazel, my mom, and I were all diagnosed with cancers within the same year, I was emotionally spent and, honestly, pissed-off at the cosmos … or whoever made-up that “God will never give you more than you can handle” puff-slogan.

The topper of that time, however, was that from all the night-grinding of my teeth from stress, I had bone loss and gum recession in my lower jaw, requiring a $2,000 gum surgery. Human cadaver forearm skin was grafted to the inside of my lower gumline, while using growth factor from my own blood to lessen the tissue rejection. This prevented me from cursing aloud at life for wronging me, as I risked the piece of dead arm flying from my mouth.

No enemy is worse than bad advice. – Sophocles

I can assure you that there were no cute motivational quips that could fix all that ailed me that year. Yet, friends would dispense asinine “pick-me-ups” while I fake smiled over gritted teeth and gums that weren’t mine.

Some of their trivial well-wishes included, “Just put one foot in front of the other;” “Tomorrow is a new day;” or “It’ll get better!” (the last person wasn’t even trying). The advice my friends gave me was as useless as the “ueue” in queue.

I knew they meant well, but had no offerings beyond the preceding hollow citations. And, I can’t blame them. I have a friend whom recently lost his mom to Covid in an ICU. I too struggled to placate his suffering with the right spoken Band-Aid.

It’s not that we don’t want to assuage the angst that we or someone we care about is feeling – it’s that doing so is a skill so few of us are trained to do.

**So, What Can You Do For Someone (or, Yourself) Who is Going Through a Tough Time?**

In absence of helping a friend sponge-bathe their infirmed parent, or donating your own arm skin for their mouth, there are simple but surprisingly helpful things you can do.

1. If it’s you going through a difficult time, radically accept what is happening to you. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you have to agree with what’s happening or how you feel about it – but you accept it as it is, no matter how painful or inconvenient it is. C’est la vie. Whatever will be, will be. It is so, so it is. There is incredible freedom in merely accepting how things are.

2. Regularly check-in with yourself and your feelings. If you’re feeling irritable, for example, take tangible steps to lessen your angst. This might include taking regular long walks or working-out, watching a comedy, turning-off your phone and reading some Dave Barry or David Letterman, or doing some guided meditations from YouTube.

3. If it’s a friend hurting, simply ask them how they are doing. Then be present and listen. You don’t need to offer nuggets of life-altering advice. It’s actually best that you don’t. Just listen.

4. Ask how you can best support them during this trying time. If it’s you who is hurting, how can you be your own best advocate? Hint: regular sleep, healthy eating, and not self-isolating.

5. Be consistent. Don’t check-in once and fade to black. Check-in regularly, even if via text.

6. Lastly, avoid the trite prose fails we often default upon. And, the next time someone gives you useless advice, convince them that having another baby will save their relationship.

Is that a Pachyderm On Your Chest?

We Are the Unhappiest We’ve Been in 50 Years…

Many of us are one wobbly-wheeled grocery cart encounter away from arm-barring someone’s maskless, selfish face. Especially here in California, where heat, wildfires, high Covid rates, and a hyper-contentious looming election add further anxiety, anarchy, and possibly more monster truck rallies into our collective future.

Like you, I’m facing notable levels of grief and apathy – as indicated by my 2 am binge-watching of Cobra Kai, eating weed gummies, and hitting snooze until lunchtime. Then taking a nap around 4:00. I even lack the energy to thumb scroll and judge people on social media. I’m filled with a general malaise where I can’t focus on anything beyond licking a stamp or overeating.

With over a month of West Coast wildfires, leaving the house means chewing through the chowder thick, carcinogenic air. It has even crept into the house where I have to regularly rinse my eyes with cold water. There is no escape beyond driving hundreds of miles east. Which I’m too apathetic to do. I often find myself standing in a window searching for the glowing orange orb of a sun through the claustrophobic haze. When I find it, I stare too long.

With all the adverse events unfolding, I’ve traded the great outdoors for brief, masked interactions at Trader Joe’s or Petco. My hikes replaced by long, boring spin bike rides and carpet push-ups.

I’m hearing a common theme about not just a general malaise, but something more concerning: An overall feeling of hopelessness. It’s not normal for so many Americans to feel this anxious or depressed.

A third of Americans are now showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression.

For every 100 American adults, 34 show symptoms of anxiety, depression … or, both. The data is directly from a Census study titled, Measuring Household Experiences during the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Pandemic.

Here’s the drop-kicker: Deep within that 20-minute survey, savvy U.S. officials included four questions taken from a form used by physicians to screen patients for depression and anxiety. The responses provide an alarming view into the country’s mental health after months of distress, seclusion, unemployment, and doubt.

The Census Bureau finding supports the mounting evidence of an increasing mental health crisis among Americans. Sadly, experts say that without intervention, the nation will experience a rise in suicides, substance abuse and overdose deaths.

And, what is our government’s response to this looming mental health catastrophe? Zero f#cks given. When asked how they would follow-up with respondents to the Census Bureau survey, the CDC said in an emailed statement:

“It is not feasible, nor would it be appropriate, to provide any health advice to respondents on the basis of their responses.”

The government actually has a responsibility to address the problems revealed by the survey. “If you measure a problem, presumably it’s because you want to do something about it,” said Maria A. Oquendo, former president of the American Psychiatric Association (APA). Doctors don’t diagnose patients with cancer only to send them back into the asbestos mine.

So, why should you feel hopeful?

Go easy on yourself. It would be weird for you to not feel jacked-up over all that’s happening. Current events are heavy and creating an unavoidable wake of despair for the majority.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, says that re-imagining happiness is almost hard-wired into Americans’ DNA. “Human beings are remarkably resilient. There’s lots and lots of evidence that we adapt to everything. We move forward.”

Source the humor! It’s always there. As Erma Bombeck once said, “There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” It seems personally blasphemous to laugh at our current misfortunes. But sourcing the humor is precisely what we need to do in order to cope. When you are overwhelmed by tragic events, humor is a useful defense mechanism. Time may not enable us to laugh at everything. But, tragedies and humor go together like cashiers and plastic sneeze guards.

When facing adversity such as illness or even death, humor serves as a buffer. In fact, people who think about death are actually funnier. The notion is appropriately called Terror Management Theory. Studies suggest that humor functions as a natural and often effective means of down-regulating stressful or traumatic experiences

Humor is embedded in tragedy, pain and struggle in ways we cannot grasp. And possibly, humor is also what will save us in all this mess. If not, NASA said there’s a 1 in 240 chance that an asteroid the size of a small car will hit Earth the night before the election

**Anxiety Disclaimer: Don’t worry. Asteroids of this size burn-up in the atmosphere long before they hit our ground. This won’t be the thing that does us in.

There is No “New Normal” Because There Was Never a “Normal.”

If you were to ask the general public what specific outbreak might wreak mayhem within our lifetimes, you’d likely hear Flu, locusts, boils, frogs, politicians or something similar from social media prophetics or the Book of Revelations.

Even when news of another coronavirus hit, it was in a far away land impacting only “other peoples.” It would seem hyperbole that cruise ships would become the vector ferrying tiny, spiky, murder spheres to our own shores.

Our sole defense was keeping the potentially contagious temporarily adrift on floating petri dishes, while enjoying 24-hour buffets and sequined ABBA and NSYNC cover bands.

But we’d soon be worried over parents, grandparents, and ourselves as we came face-to-face with our vulnerability and the inter-connectedness of our Planet. Moreover, we realized that nothing was ever “under control” – an illusion we had believed and subscribed to for a generation. And we became angry at the thin veil through which life was sewn.

Didn’t Someone’s God assure us we’d never be given more than we can handle?

Actually, no. This guarantee isn’t in the Bible, Quran, Torah, Guru Granth Sahib, Vedas, Tripitaka, or Kojiki. It’s a motivational quip we like to keep next to those Live, Love, Laugh prints from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The problem with living such a comfortable existence for so long, is the depth of the fall to a life of discomfort.

Thankfully, we’re buoyed by the frontline workers in healthcare, at nursing homes, behind badges, delivery personnel, pharmacists, grocery employees, and perhaps the most unexpected superheroes: undocumented agriculture workers – without whom we’d lose a vital tier of the food pyramid.

Mid 2020 has seen the indoctrination of millions of newcomers into the anxiety and depression clubs – the steep dues paid with inner chill and peace of mind. Though many of us (i.e., the anxious) have been mentally prepping for a lifetime, we too found ourselves ill-equipped for an epidemic. You can’t train for a contagion that exists only in one’s mind (another reason why worry is a useless endeavor). But suddenly it’s not so weird to clean an apple with a bleach wipe.

Find the humor, find the cure.

It’s always there. This might not be the best time to ponder Dostoyevsky’s Poor Folk or The House of the Dead – though I’m a huge proponent of the man otherwise. A pandemic calls for some light and cheery reading to facilitate levity and laughs. Consider anything from Dave Barry or Augustin Burroughs. And don’t overlook works by other great contributors like Erma Bombeck and Dorothy Parker.

Mark Twain knew it best: “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.” Studies confirm that laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a chemical in the brain that creates a sense of joy. Moreover, humor is clinically validated to reduce stress long-term by improving the immune system through the release of neuropeptides, relieving pain, increasing personal satisfaction, and lessening depression and anxiety. The simple act of smiling causes the brain to release dopamine, which in turn makes us feel happy. But don’t worry about the science. Just YouTube “Sebastian Maniscalco” or “cat videos” and away you go.

Humor = Calamity + Time.

Humor will change your relationship to the problem of stress, worry, or anxiety. It reduces stigma, promotes wellbeing, helps you to cope with difficult situations, reduces tension, discomfort and stress; and strengthens your immune system. It’s pretty much a miracle elixir.

Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, sourced and used humor as one tactic to survive German concentration camps, and he highlighted humor as ‘another of the soul’s weapons in the fight for self-preservation.’ “The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living,” cited Frankl.

Humor produces endorphins that soothe the body and allows a responsive brain to take charge – like a legal massage somewhere with no blacked-out windows.

There cannot be a “normal” in an unpredictable world. We use terms like “new normal” to instill an element of control over things. Control is an illusion.

But radically accepting the randomness of life, while staying mindful in the present is damn liberating. We don’t like to admit that we actually have little control over anything – especially our own fates – yet we do things that impact our longevity. You can now observe the rampant OCD taking place nearly everywhere by those not accustomed to proper OCD’ing. For example, shaking hands during Flu season (or otherwise) has always been an archaic practice in the transmission of filth. Have you seen what you do with your hands?! Despite lacking opposable thumbs, even dogs know that sniffing butts is a more hygienic “hello.”

And consider a University of Arizona study revealing that cellphones carry 10 times more bacteria than most toilet seats. Yet we don’t hesitate to pinch zoom a pic when someone hands us their toilet phone.

And, how many times have you eaten birthday cake blown on by someone you didn’t like or barely knew? Well, you might as well have them blow directly into your open mouth. A study in the Journal of Food Research determined that blowing out candles over that sweet, sticky icing resulted in 1,400% more bacteria compared to icing spared the puff (The study was aptly titled “Bacterial Transfer Associated with Blowing Out Candles on a Birthday Cake”).

Black-light most any hotel room and it will look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Hotels will charge $250 for smoking in your room, but you can leave a bodily bio-hazard at no charge. This serves to heighten my perception of hotels as wildly filthy. And do you think the card keys ever get cleaned? I question the entire arrangement altogether. Most of us make that room as cozy as our own, in full denial that few people tip the maids upon checkout.

Hotels are where people go to cut their toenails, trim body hair, or bleed. The mattresses are literal smut sponges. But we gladly pay for the privilege of rubbing our faces into the pillows and bleach-infused towels.

Humor is ever present. You just gotta peek through the dank mental hues of your angst. Sourcing the lighter side of your emotions is vital – particularly when a third of Americans are now showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression.

Covid created a massive wake of anxiety and depression across the globe, along with budding terms like “immunity privileged” and “vaccine nationalism.”

Understandably, as most of us had not incurred a life disruption of this magnitude prior. During the initial stages of the pandemic, I spent most of my time hiding from humanity to avoid the contagion. My sole activity was sterilizing everything I ordered via Instacart and Amazon with disinfectant wipes. I wondered if anyone else was using hospital grade wipes on their organic lettuce.

There are a handful of things I’ve done to maintain internal peace and manage my anxiety during the quarantines and isolation. One of the most vital was distraction afforded by Netflix binges, naturally. But I also read a lot. At any given time during the pandemic, I’ve been concurrently reading five to six books depending on mood.

I also attend live or archived online church and devotional sessions to feel grounded. This is where I learned specific scriptures that also helped carry me through the salty times. Isaiah 41:10-13, Isaiah 53, Psalm 23, Psalm 40:1-3, Psalm 91, and particularly Philippians 4:6-8 were pivotal in smoothing the frays. Memorizing scripture is also a form of meditation. And it helps train the brain for other things – like remembering to brush your teeth or what day it is.

A good chunk of my Covid coping time was spent on building an in-home gym since my fitness center closed. This was exceptionally challenging as millions had the same idea, and every dumbbell, kettlebell, and old-school cement-filled, vinyl prison weight was sold-out everywhere.

Over weeks, I slowly accrued a Frankenstein gym of mismatched heavy things.

I converted my living room into a carpeted fitness studio where I performed calisthenic and plyometric feats of athleticism, such as 3,000 burpees and push-ups per month. I also fast-walked like a soccer mom late to A.A. 25 miles per week. Sadly, my ”nothing succeeds like excess” mindset and compromised shoulders reminded me why my body was made for writing in an ergonomic chair. I was soon too injured from one of the physical endeavors to do anything else, and I had to take two months off. But my anxiety did not.

Anxiety and depression can pique in the absence of coping skills. When we assign value or validity to intrusive thoughts and fears, it’s like mental Miracle-Gro. Talking to a therapist via phone or teletherapy is a measurably effective adjunct tool during stressful times.

There is a little-known dichotomy about mental health issues that makes seeking treatment difficult:

When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. My anxiety doesn’t want me to pay bills until I’m getting hate mail from creditors, fold laundry until I have no room on my bed to sleep, get groceries until I’m down to ramen and a jar of crusted mayo, or wash my car until stranger’s spell profanities on the windows.

There are two incidences when you should seek out a professional.

If you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, or if you are having passive thoughts about hurting yourself or others (even if you don’t have a plan or any real intent to follow through with these thoughts).
If your symptoms are starting to interfere with your daily life. Such symptoms could include suddenly not getting along with friends or family, difficulty with sleep, problems eating, doing poorly in school or work, or starting to use alcohol or drugs to cope or feel better.

How to choose a therapist

There are many different types of talk therapies available, and many types of therapists to choose from. So which therapy and therapist is right for you? When it comes to treating all mental health issues, especially anxiety or depression, you want to make sure you chose a therapist that uses an approach that is evidence based or empirically validated. This means that they say and do things to treat your symptoms that have been proven by research to be effective. It doesn’t mean watching episodes of Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz.

Client: “What should I do?”
Therapist: “What do you think you should do?”
Client: “Alright then, keep your secrets.”

When choosing a therapist, there’s an array of therapy degrees that include psychiatrists (M.D.), psychologists (PsyD.), and masters level therapists (LCSW, MCSW, etc.). Don’t get hung-up on the pedigree. Just make sure the person is licensed – meaning s/he went to a school that was accredited, received training that was accredited, and have passed both a national and state licensing examination to prove they know what they are talking about.

Equally important, you want to see someone that you like. If you’re going to see a therapist, the type of degree is less important than making sure they are licensed, using techniques that are supported by research, and are someone you can trust and get along with. I personally know some smart but ~~asshole~~ jerk psychologists that shouldn’t be advising anyone on anything, despite their diplomas. Remember who’s paying whom, and hire/fire accordingly.

How long will you need to attend therapy?

The duration of therapy needed is unique for everyone. Many people experience improvement within only a few sessions, while others reap benefits through months or even years of seeing a professional. There’s no commitment required. The goal is simply helping you achieve measurable improvement.

You can also access the “Managing Covid-19 Anxiety” resource page by the reputable Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Just come away from this knowing that you never need to white-knuckle things alone. Your state-of-mind can make it hard to reach-out, which is precisely when you should.

What to Do If Your Ex Contacts You After You’ve Said Goodbye

Ignoring your ex
How to handle an ex you want to keep in the past when they want to be in your present.

As you read this, there are millions of people across the world suffering from a love-rift somewhere while sending ill-fated texts. Studies show that to the brain, quitting love and heroin are the same. Our brains cannot differentiate another human from smack.

The initial stage of a breakup often includes regular and methodical text diatribes (aka, “terror texting”), along with emails and beguiling emojis in vain attempts to recon the defector, each time, vowing not to send another – only to do so within days … or, hours. This phase is rife with the fuzzy logic that there is just the right mix of words and pleading to get you to reconsider.

Why does My Ex Keep Contacting Me?

In short? Denial and the hope for a different outcome. Denial is a coping mechanism that gives us time to adjust to distressing situations. Being in denial gives your mind the opportunity to unconsciously absorb shocking or distressing information at a pace that won’t send you into a psychological tailspin (Mayo Clinic, Denial: When it helps, when it hurts, 2011). When the reality hits that you’ve been dumped, denial is a great tool; as in “If I don’t think about it, then it’s not happening,” or “I can totally fix this, I just need another shot.” A less obvious way denial presents could be as a denial of inner strength: “I can’t handle this sh#t!” The issue with denial as a coping mechanism is that it’s not a long-term solution. Remaining in denial is not healthy, and it’s unnerving to onlookers.

The agony following a broken relationship is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties. Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. It’s also why hot people are crazy. It’s a deterrent for our own safety. But, breakups often include record-setting pleading; a deluge of one-way, restraining-order-level communications; panic that borders on neurosis; and trying to resuscitate the relationship pulse through text and social media.

Exes usually continue to talk because they miss having someone around. It’s old habit to say “goodnight,” or sext on a random weeknight to someone who won’t call the cops.

Now the breakupee stares thunderstruck at a silent phone, willing it to ding with a text from you, while feeling a dreadful void from losing that regular communiqué. If you reply to your late pursuer with anything less than F-bombs and the threat of legal action, it feels great to them. But it’s akin to another hit of heroin for a recovering addict. It will satiate the cravings for a bit, but you’re only resetting their recovery clock while adding to your own stress to keep them from teetering over an imperceptible edge.

What Does the Research Say?

Per a study published in the journal Review of General Psychology, just like the brain is hardwired to fall in love, it also has a mechanism that helps us fall out of love and move along. This is easier for some than others, however. Stalking is not cute, romantic, or funny. And, oftentimes it’s more than, “I was just bored and curious…” Conversely, an “I miss you” doesn’t equal “I want to get back together and adopt Russian toddlers.”

Take solace knowing that your ex’s love longings are quite normal – to an extent. Research eludes to a physiological basis to cravings for an ex. Lucy Brown, Ph.D., Professor in the Department of Neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and her colleagues used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to record the brain activity of adults who had experienced a recent unwanted breakup, and who reported still feeling love for their ex. “Upon viewing brain photographs of their former partners, there was activity in the areas associated with reward and motivation, specifically, the release of dopamine that is also seen in drug addiction. Therefore, people may experience cravings for their ex-partner similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from.”

So, What Can You do About the Uninvited Contact?

In the throes of pain, the shortest route to ending heartache is seemingly with the source. It’s not. It is within us and not with our defector. Consequently, it is not your responsibility to ferry your ex to healing shores. Your takeaway is first to have empathy, followed by impenetrable boundaries and a steadfast “no contact” rule to the benefit of you both. Fully unplug from your ex – including from their social media. Until there’s a methadone for breakups, any reply keeps the dynamic going and prevents you both from moving on with your lives. It also exposes you to further distress, while hindering their emotional recovery and increasing their longing for reconciliation.

Required Steps for Managing an Ex Who Won’t Stop Contacting You:

Stop communicating with your ex unless you share custody of a mini human(s).
Repeat.

If for some reason you cannot block them – like maybe you’re keeping a tally of texts/calls for a judge, or you want your labradoodle back – then change their name in your phone to “Caution,” “Beelzebub,” or “Do Not Answer.” This is not a game; it’s not about punishment or revenge, or to make your ex mad while feeding your own ego. It’s self-care.

Do it for them. Do it for you.

Not everyone loves you enough to leave you alone. If you’re ever going to be friends, it will happen later. Or, never.