anxiety counseling

Breakup Advice: Call/Text/Snapchat the ex?

One of the most common questions I hear from clients seeking breakup advice is, “Is it okay for me to call my ex?” In short, the answer is, “Probably not” – at least not in the beginning. I say probably because there are always going to be extenuating circumstances, like if you live together and have to figure out logistics. But, overall you’re not doing yourself any favors by reaching out to this person. There was a reason for the break up, right?

In my experience, I’ve found that exes continue to talk to each other because they miss having that “someone” around. It’s old habit to say goodnight, or to text them for dinner plans on a random Wednesday. And, not having that just flat out hurts. So when you do call them and talk, of course it feels nice. It reminds you of that feeling of support that’s missing in your new post-breakup life. But that call or text, no matter how innocent, prevents you from moving forward. Just because it feels good in the moment doesn’t mean it’s going to be helpful long term. Any breakup advice that says differently is misleading.

I like to think of phone calls to the recent ex as a pain avoidance mechanism. You are in pain and reaching out will make you feel better temporarily. But if you’re just reaching out to make yourself feel better, you’re treating the “symptom” and not the cure. For example, if I have coffee breath during the day, I could pop a mint in my mouth. But that would only work for a short period of time. The real solution would be to brush my teeth – and, probably stop drinking coffee in the afternoon. But, that’s not a relationship I’m ready to let go of quite yet.

Not having contact after a breakup allows you to go through the emotional swings that are necessary to get better. Yes, it is painful and, yes, it is difficult. But these feelings are natural. Calling the ex after a breakup only makes it worse and lengthens the time it takes to feel better. That’s breakup advice you can put to the test.

– Jon

Breakup Advice: Why all the now?

The time is always … Now

As you might have noticed during your breakup advice search, there seems to be a focus on “living in the now” to help survive a breakup. Sound breakup advice will include a consistent and straightforward message. Part of that message will include the premise to “Stay in the now:” Don’t drift, don’t let your mind wander, and don’t start eating that pint of ice cream and wonder how you got to the bottom of it so quickly. Do stay focused, do be attuned to yourself and your surroundings, and do get intensely interested in the now.

But how come?

From a logical standpoint you can’t be in the “now” all the time. Sometimes you have to think about the future. You know, for those outlandish tasks like paying your bills or thinking about traffic so you’re not late for work. So it seems like the breakup advice that is supposed to help you feel better is contradictory to functioning in our daily lives.

The trick is to focus on the now only when it is helpful to do so. Planning for retirement? Probably not the best time to jump on the “live in the now” bandwagon. Another way to look at it is to become focused on the now when you are feeling overwhelmed and need to take a quick mental vacation.

But, why does it work?

And, here’s a valuable takeaway of breakup advice: There is one big rule to the way our brains work with our thoughts during a breakup. If you think about the past you become sad. If you think about the future you become anxious. But, if you focus on the present things somehow just seem better.

I should note that sitting and thinking, “Why did we break up?” is not being in the moment—it’s thinking about the past. A now thought is, “I am having thoughts about a break up.” There is a world of difference between these two. Recognizing you are having a thought gives you greater control over your current emotional state and makes the moment more tolerable. Asking yourself why the relationship ended makes you think about the past and increases your suffering. You don’t need to solve the question to feel better. You need to learn how to tolerate pain in the moment to feel better. Your life is only ever now. And that is what being in the now is all about.

– Jon

Breakup Advice: Emotion regulation

Are there “good” vs. “bad” emotions??

It’s a little known fact that there is no such thing as a good or bad emotion. I think this is a good place to start, especially since we tend to “feel bad” about “feeling bad.” Don’t.

Emotions simply are what they are; we just attach a good or bad label to them after we experience them. There are plenty of reasons why we do this: Societal messages, religion, family values, pharmaceutical commercials, our efforts to try and make sense of this world, etc… Plus the obvious that it’s natural to think feeling happy is good and feeling sad is bad. I’m not trying to rally against these reasons; I’m just saying there are reasons why we do this.

The idea that emotions are neither “good” nor “bad” blew my mind the first time I had to think about it – as it was such an engrained concept. But the fish does not know it’s swimming in water. It’s sometimes easier to think of things in extremes. Consider a really “bad” emotion: Hopelessness. This has to be one of the most painful emotions a person can experience. It implies a consistent, never ending dread with a sense of “I can’t believe I have to drag my carcass through another day.”

My point is that hopelessness, in and of itself, isn’t a “bad” feeling. It’s just a feeling. We certainly do not want to experience it, but saying to yourself that feeling hopeless is “bad” is like saying it’s “bad” to feel the rain on your face (Linehan). You have no control over the touch receptors on your skin just like you have no control over the limbic system in your brain that facilitates your initial emotions. You’re blaming yourself for something you have zero control over, which is not the most helpful method to recover.

What you do have control over is how you respond to these emotions… And, that starts with recognizing that they are neither good nor bad.

– Tom

Breakup advice you need. Now.

Breakup without breaking down

State of Anxiety is a website dedicated to helping you through a breakup in an unprecedented manner. It’s practical breakup advice and humor unlike any other – and, with huge results. If you’ve already done an Internet search and landed here, then you know there are more than a few tons of useless resources out there – especially for women. And, if you’ve been lucky enough in life to dodge a bout of anxiety up till now, a breakup might, unfortunately, end that streak. Everyone suffers from a breakup and the resulting anxiety at one time or another. Anxiety and breakups go together like a colonoscopy during a Justin Bieber concert – in that you never want to experience either – especially both together.

But, a breakup doesn’t mean a breakdown. And, breakup advice doesn’t have to be the banal variety mostly available thus far. Why not tap in to a new breakup recovery paradigm? The worse you are feeling, the more imperative it is to access a unique approach that works quickly to alleviate your pain. How long your breakup anxiety lasts will determine if it’s the problematic type. The duration is what separates the normal from the neurotic. No one knows neurosis like we do. And, neurotic or not, Tom and I will get you through it. Since anxiety is a normal reaction to a breakup, there’s nothing to fear. Anxiety actually helps us deal with a tense situation. Whether it be in the office when someone eats your sandwich from the break room fridge, or keeping you focused during a job interview (at a company where people don’t steal sandwiches). In general, anxiety helps us cope with the swerves of life. Think of it as the fire under your ass that jump-starts you into some sort of action. Sometimes that action is detrimental to your well-being – which is why we’ve brought helmets and breakup advice that’s better than bubble-wrap.

State of Anxiety is both spot-on breakup advice and perspective, and a handy resource that you won’t find anywhere else. This site and the accompanying soon-to-be released book is a lot of uniquely wonderful things – but, it isn’t the status quo breakup advice littering bookstore shelves and online book retailers. Rather, the State of Anxiety website and book provide relief and the, “Hey, I’m not so crazy after all” type of self-reflection sorely needed by the hundreds of millions suffering from a breakup at any given moment. State of Anxiety utilizes humor, heavy doses of introspection, and sound clinical advice as an unconventional approach to the personal chaos of a breakup. State of Anxiety is the first, and maybe the only, website designed to placate pain and anxiety as it chronicles the comical manifestations of a breakup. If you don’t think there is such a thing, read this.

When it comes to breakup advice, clinical studies repeatedly show that laughter heals. According to Discovery News, “The protection apparently comes from endorphins, a complex chemical that helps to transmit messages between neurons but also dulls signals of physical pain and psychological stress.” In addition to humor and the much needed relatability/perspective during a breakup, State of Anxiety promotes healing while providing a collective identity through a community of like-minded, insightful visitors who learn to quickly navigate a breakup with the precision of a ninja. State of Anxiety is also a checks-and-balances to help determine if what you’re feeling at any point during a breakup is valid, while acting as a healthy distraction to provide levity and a way through the potential agony. State of Anxiety is the perfect accoutrement and social utility to check-in with peers experiencing similar angst, while taking something positive away. Sometimes, a dose of perspective is all that is needed. But we offer so much more. In doing so, we’ve turned breakup advice on it’s head.

The State of Anxiety website and book are a testament to our dedication and life’s work to getting you through your breakup pain. State of Anxiety is the quintessential source to breaking-up while breaking-out of your mold. When it comes to breakup advice – hang-on tight – things are about to get real …