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teen anxiety

There is No “New Normal” Because There Was Never a “Normal.”

If you were to ask the general public what specific outbreak might wreak mayhem within our lifetimes, you’d likely hear Flu, locusts, boils, frogs, politicians or something similar from social media prophetics or the Book of Revelations.

Even when news of another coronavirus hit, it was in a far away land impacting only “other peoples.” It would seem hyperbole that cruise ships would become the vector ferrying tiny, spiky, murder spheres to our own shores.

Our sole defense was keeping the potentially contagious temporarily adrift on floating petri dishes, while enjoying 24-hour buffets and sequined ABBA and NSYNC cover bands.

But we’d soon be worried over parents, grandparents, and ourselves as we came face-to-face with our vulnerability and the inter-connectedness of our Planet. Moreover, we realized that nothing was ever “under control” – an illusion we had believed and subscribed to for a generation. And we became angry at the thin veil through which life was sewn.

Didn’t Someone’s God assure us we’d never be given more than we can handle?

Actually, no. This guarantee isn’t in the Bible, Quran, Torah, Guru Granth Sahib, Vedas, Tripitaka, or Kojiki. It’s a motivational quip we like to keep next to those Live, Love, Laugh prints from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The problem with living such a comfortable existence for so long, is the depth of the fall to a life of discomfort.

Thankfully, we’re buoyed by the frontline workers in healthcare, at nursing homes, behind badges, delivery personnel, pharmacists, grocery employees, and perhaps the most unexpected superheroes: undocumented agriculture workers – without whom we’d lose a vital tier of the food pyramid.

Mid 2020 has seen the indoctrination of millions of newcomers into the anxiety and depression clubs – the steep dues paid with inner chill and peace of mind. Though many of us (i.e., the anxious) have been mentally prepping for a lifetime, we too found ourselves ill-equipped for an epidemic. You can’t train for a contagion that exists only in one’s mind (another reason why worry is a useless endeavor). But suddenly it’s not so weird to clean an apple with a bleach wipe.


Find the humor, find the cure.


It’s always there. This might not be the best time to ponder Dostoyevsky’s Poor Folk or The House of the Dead – though I’m a huge proponent of the man otherwise. A pandemic calls for some light and cheery reading to facilitate levity and laughs. Consider anything from Dave Barry or Augustin Burroughs. And don’t overlook works by other great contributors like Erma Bombeck and Dorothy Parker.

Mark Twain knew it best: “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.” Studies confirm that laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a chemical in the brain that creates a sense of joy. Moreover, humor is clinically validated to reduce stress long-term by improving the immune system through the release of neuropeptides, relieving pain, increasing personal satisfaction, and lessening depression and anxiety. The simple act of smiling causes the brain to release dopamine, which in turn makes us feel happy. But don’t worry about the science. Just YouTube “Sebastian Maniscalco”  or “cat videos” and away you go.

Humor = Calamity + Time.

Humor will change your relationship to the problem of stress, worry, or anxiety. It reduces stigma, promotes wellbeing, helps you to cope with difficult situations, reduces tension, discomfort and stress; and strengthens your immune system. It’s pretty much a miracle elixir.

Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, sourced and used humor as one tactic to survive German concentration camps, and he highlighted humor as ‘another of the soul’s weapons in the fight for self-preservation.’ “The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living,” cited Frankl.

Humor produces endorphins that soothe the body and allows a responsive brain to take charge – like a legal massage somewhere with no blacked-out windows.

There cannot be a “normal” in an unpredictable world. We use terms like “new normal” to instill an element of control over things. Control is an illusion.

But radically accepting the randomness of life, while staying mindful in the present is damn liberating. We don’t like to admit that we actually have little control over anything – especially our own fates – yet we do things that impact our longevity.  You can now observe the rampant OCD taking place nearly everywhere by those not accustomed to proper OCD’ing. For example, shaking hands during Flu season (or otherwise) has always been an archaic practice in the transmission of filth. Have you seen what you do with your hands?! Despite lacking opposable thumbs, even dogs know that sniffing butts is a more hygienic “hello.”

And consider a University of Arizona study revealing that cellphones carry 10 times more bacteria than most toilet seats. Yet we don’t hesitate to pinch zoom a pic when someone hands us their toilet phone.

And, how many times have you eaten birthday cake blown on by someone you didn’t like or barely knew? Well, you might as well have them blow directly into your open mouth. A study in the Journal of Food Research determined that blowing out candles over that sweet, sticky icing resulted in 1,400% more bacteria compared to icing spared the puff (The study was aptly titled “Bacterial Transfer Associated with Blowing Out Candles on a Birthday Cake”).

Black-light most any hotel room and it will look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Hotels will charge $250 for smoking in your room, but you can leave a bodily bio-hazard at no charge. This serves to heighten my perception of hotels as wildly filthy. And do you think the card keys ever get cleaned? I question the entire arrangement altogether. Most of us make that room as cozy as our own, in full denial that few people tip the maids upon checkout.

Hotels are where people go to cut their toenails, trim body hair, or bleed. The mattresses are literal smut sponges. But we gladly pay for the privilege of rubbing our faces into the pillows and bleach-infused towels.

Humor is ever present. You just gotta peek through the dank mental hues of your angst. Sourcing the lighter side of your emotions is vital – particularly when a third of Americans are now showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression.

Covid created a massive wake of anxiety and depression across the globe, along with budding terms like “immunity privileged” and “vaccine nationalism.”

Understandably, as most of us had not incurred a life disruption of this magnitude prior. During the initial stages of the pandemic, I spent most of my time hiding from humanity to avoid the contagion. My sole activity was sterilizing everything I ordered via Instacart and Amazon with disinfectant wipes. I wondered if anyone else was using hospital grade wipes on their organic lettuce.

There are a handful of things I’ve done to maintain internal peace and manage my anxiety during the quarantines and isolation. One of the most vital was distraction afforded by Netflix binges, naturally. But I also read a lot. At any given time during the pandemic, I’ve been concurrently reading five to six books depending on mood.

I also attend live or archived online church and devotional sessions to feel grounded. This is where I learned specific scriptures that also helped carry me through the salty times. Isaiah 41:10-13, Isaiah 53, Psalm 23, Psalm 40:1-3, Psalm 91, and particularly Philippians 4:6-8 were pivotal in smoothing the frays. Memorizing scripture is also a form of meditation. And it helps train the brain for other things – like remembering to brush your teeth or what day it is.

A good chunk of my Covid coping time was spent on building an in-home gym since my fitness center closed. This was exceptionally challenging as millions had the same idea, and every dumbbell, kettlebell, and old-school cement-filled, vinyl prison weight was sold-out everywhere.

Over weeks, I slowly accrued a Frankenstein gym of mismatched heavy things.

I converted my living room into a carpeted fitness studio where I performed calisthenic and plyometric feats of athleticism, such as 3,000 burpees and push-ups per month. I also fast-walked like a soccer mom late to A.A. 25 miles per week. Sadly, my ”nothing succeeds like excess” mindset and compromised shoulders reminded me why my body was made for writing in an ergonomic chair. I was soon too injured from one of the physical endeavors to do anything else, and I had to take two months off. But my anxiety did not.

Anxiety and depression can pique in the absence of coping skills. When we assign value or validity to intrusive thoughts and fears, it’s like mental Miracle-Gro. Talking to a therapist via phone or teletherapy is a measurably effective adjunct tool during stressful times.

There is a little-known dichotomy about mental health issues that makes seeking treatment difficult:

When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. My anxiety doesn’t want me to pay bills until I’m getting hate mail from creditors, fold laundry until I have no room on my bed to sleep, get groceries until I’m down to ramen and a jar of crusted mayo, or wash my car until stranger’s spell profanities on the windows.

 There are two incidences when you should seek out a professional.

  1. If you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, or if you are having passive thoughts about hurting yourself or others (even if you don’t have a plan or any real intent to follow through with these thoughts).
  2. If your symptoms are starting to interfere with your daily life. Such symptoms could include suddenly not getting along with friends or family, difficulty with sleep, problems eating, doing poorly in school or work, or starting to use alcohol or drugs to cope or feel better.
How to choose a therapist

There are many different types of talk therapies available, and many types of therapists to choose from. So which therapy and therapist is right for you? When it comes to treating all mental health issues, especially anxiety or depression, you want to make sure you chose a therapist that uses an approach that is evidence based or empirically validated. This means that they say and do things to treat your symptoms that have been proven by research to be effective. It doesn’t mean watching episodes of Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz.

Client: “What should I do?”
Therapist: “What do you think you should do?”
Client: “Alright then, keep your secrets.”

When choosing a therapist, there’s an array of therapy degrees that include psychiatrists (M.D.), psychologists (PsyD.), and masters level therapists (LCSW, MCSW, etc.). Don’t get hung-up on the pedigree. Just make sure the person is licensed – meaning s/he went to a school that was accredited, received training that was accredited, and have passed both a national and state licensing examination to prove they know what they are talking about.

Equally important, you want to see someone that you like. If you’re going to see a therapist, the type of degree is less important than making sure they are licensed, using techniques that are supported by research, and are someone you can trust and get along with. I personally know some smart but asshole jerk psychologists that shouldn’t be advising anyone on anything, despite their diplomas. Remember who’s paying whom, and hire/fire accordingly.

How long will you need to attend therapy?

The duration of therapy needed is unique for everyone. Many people experience improvement within only a few sessions, while others reap benefits through months or even years of seeing a professional. There’s no commitment required. The goal is simply helping you achieve measurable improvement.

You can also access the “Managing Covid-19 Anxiety” resource page by the reputable Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA).

Just come away from this knowing that you never need to white-knuckle things alone. Your state-of-mind can make it hard to reach-out, which is precisely when you should.

Conquering Teen Anxiety

In this excerpt from “101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety,” learn the difference between “normal” anxious feelings and those that interfere with daily life

Am I Losing My Mind, or Is This That Anxiety Thing?

Anxiety can make you feel different. As a teen, I never knew why no one else seemed to struggle with life the way I did. And it wouldn’t have mattered what diagnosis or label was put on me because it would not have changed how I felt. Sadly, teenagers can let anxiety steer them through most life decisions. Left untethered, anxiety will drive every choice and action you take.

So how do you know if you’re experiencing anxiety or something more insidious with a Latin name in the Physician’s Desk Reference? The type of anxiety we address in this book is not the healthy, normal varietal that prompts you to get important stuff done, like studying for an exam or running from prom date requests. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), “Severe anxiety that lasts at least six months is generally considered to be a problem that might benefit from evaluation and treatment.”

Rather than motivating you to act and get things done, anxiety at this level interferes with daily living, activities, and relationships.

The Accoutrement of Depression

Like a salad bar and sneeze guard go together, anxiety and depression disorders are often interlinked. So, don’t berate yourself if you’re feeling depressed on top of everything else. It’s more likely than not to occur. And though signs of depression, anxiety disorder, and even bipolar disorder have similarities, each requires different treatments right down to medications used. This is why a professional diagnosis is so important in order to obtain the correct treatment regimen. Having anxiety doesn’t have the social stigma it once did. It just means you’re really living.

But, there is a little-known dichotomy about anxiety that makes seeking treatment difficult: When you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it’s often hard to do what’s best for your welfare – this includes seeking help. Anxiety is a narcissist that wants you to focus on … anxiety. Anxiety will cloud your mind and fill your consciousness with a perverse volume of thoughts, noise, feelings, and stressors that have no validity. Next thing you know, you’re not turning in homework on time, missing chores, and arriving late to work or practice, and everyone’s wondering why you can’t get your act or matching socks together. If they saw the thought carnival in your mind, they’d surely understand.

No medication will cure anxiety. Medication treats the symptoms of anxiety.

Every case of anxiety is unique. Unfortunately, many anxiety sufferers use prescription medication when therapy, exercise, or self-help strategies such as those taught here would work just as well – if not better – because they are actual skills with no side effects. Therapy and skills usage include development of the necessary tools to beat anxiety.

The goal we’d like you to adopt from this book is not to remove anxiety, but to bring it down to more manageable levels. That means working with it directly, in a nonjudgmental way, and not avoiding it or thinking it’s bad or weak that you feel this way. We’ll talk specifically about how to do this in the book.

For more on 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety click here.

12 Ways for Parents to Effectively Manage the Top Teen Mental Health Concerns

Here are today’s most searched mental health questions surrounding teens, and how to help

Mental health issues can make teens feel vastly different than their peers. And not in a cool way, like having a cloak of invisibility or being able to down an extra-large pizza in one sitting; rather, having the powers of hypervigilance and social awkwardness. Sadly, they can let such disorders steer them through most life decisions. Left untethered, things like anxiety and depression will drive every choice and action they take.

Signs of a mental health condition

The signs of a mental health disorder will differ from person to person but can include any of the following: mood changes; irritability; loss of concentration; withdrawal from friends and social engagements; irrational or hostile behaviors; poor hygiene and lack of self-care; changes in diet; and changes in sleep patterns. There are common factors that can worsen mental health disorders such as not adhering to medication protocols, drug and alcohol abuse, lack of sleep, loneliness, health issues, and academic stress.

Paradoxically, mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression have been linked to early drug use. Many people with anxiety try to make themselves feel better with drugs or alcohol. And teen users are at significantly higher risk of developing an addictive disorder compared to adults, and the earlier they begin using, the higher their risk. Being aware of your teen’s predisposition for substance use and abuse, can head off budding disaster.

Top internet searches about teen mental health

Teen life struggles are exacerbated by the enigmatic teen brain which is not fully formed until between 25 and 30 years of age.

Shocking, right? Today’s parents suffer the plight of the unknown, as evinced by the top internet searches about teens:

  • Why do teenagers cut themselves?
  • Why do teenagers sleep so much?
  • Why do teens lie?
  • Why are teens depressed?
  • How Much Sleep do Teens Need?
  • Why do teens have anxiety?
  • What do I talk about with a teenager?
  • Why is my teen so mean to me?
  • Is social media bad for teens?

Consider this…

…adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part, but teens process information with the amygdala, the emotional chunk. Here’s the hitch: It’s the prefrontal cortex that responds to situations with sound judgment and a grasp of long-term costs. It’s also one of the last brain regions to mature. Teen brains aren’t fully connected, which leaves them more prone to impulsive behavior, even without other influencing factors like genetics or K-pop.

All these changes the brain is experiencing could be why adolescence is when mental ailments such as schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and eating disorders appear. Fortunately, most teens go on to become healthy adults. Changes in the brain during development may help protect against long-term mental disorders.

What can parents do?

As parents, we tend to jump in with advice to fix problems or place blame. But doing so can make teens less likely to be open in the future. You want to make it emotionally safe and easy for them to approach you. Never forget you’re the most important role model and influencer your kids have.



Start with the following teen mental health triage tactics:

1. Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

Instead, ask if they want you to respond when they come to you with problems, or if they just want you to listen. What works isn’t telling a teen to calm down; it’s empathy and diplomacy.

2. Parenting is an army of one – two if you’re lucky.

Pay close attention to your child’s symptoms and what they might be telling you, while not discounting their feelings. Remind your teen that this is what they’re feeling and not who they are. Keep in mind that mental health issues are not an indicator of poor parenting! Try to keep your fears to yourself and present a positive – or at least neutral – assessment and attitude of the situation.

3. Make a plan – hope is not a strategy.

After asking them to share their worries and distresses, prompt them to problem solve what is causing them distress and help them develop an actionable plan to counter their distress. Once you have implemented some of the aforementioned, keep the momentum! Only through repetition of techniques will your child learn to counter and manage future distressing episodes.

4. This is how you role … model.

Model positive behavior and good self-care. If you take of yourself, your teen will learn that self-care is important. Promote good sleep practices. A lack of sleep alone can compromise mental health. Help them get into a routine that prepares them for relaxation. This can include reading, simple meditative breathing exercises, or guided meditations. Get to bed early and at the same time each night. And, turn off the electronics to turn off their brain.

5. A great parent shows a kid where they don’t want to be but need to be.

Teach your teen to have a productivity goal (something from a “To-Do” list) and a pleasure goal (something from a “Fun-To-Do” list) each day. Then review these goals the following day when setting the new goals.

6. Mindfulness is never asking, “Are we there yet?”

Guide your teen to stay grounded in the present. Depression is rooted in the past, and anxiety in future thinking. If their anxiety spikes, try 4x4x4 breathing (breathe in for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and do this 4 times).

7. Penny for your lack of thoughts? 

Prompt them to channel nervous energy into something creative. Coach them to continually monitor their thoughts and dispute any that are negative, while citing three things (no more and no less) for which you are both grateful each day, no matter how small.

8. Show them how to live in opposite world.

Have them practice opposite action. In other words, regularly counter what anxiety or depression is prompting them to do. If depression wants them to watch “Riverdale” marathons from the couch, get them on a hike or nature walk. If social anxiety has them avoiding human contact, reward them to attend a social function.

9. But, first … a selfie.

Limit their time spent on social media. Consider offering your teen specific alternatives to daily social media use that include school or community-based sports, academic or social clubs, pursuit of creative or artistic interests, and even volunteering (start here: JustServe.org).

10. Render your teen powerful.

Remind your teen that they’re resilient and competent. Because they’re so focused in the moment, adolescents have trouble seeing they can play a part in changing bad situations. Reminding them of instances in the past they thought would be devastating but turned out for the best can help.

11. (A)ction + (B)ad Idea = (C)onsequences.

Help your teen link impulsive thinking with facts by reviewing with them all possible costs of their actions – especially those related to self-harm or suicide. Doing so helps their brains create these connections and can wire their brains to make this link more often. Seriously. This one is vital.

12. Show no interest, and they’ll show no effort.

Become familiar with things that are important to your teen. It doesn’t mean #hashtagging your bubble tea pics on IG, or sidewalk camping in January for BTS tix, but showing an interest in things they like expresses they’re important to you.


An Important Note About When to Seek Outside Help:

It’s normal for a teen to be down or sullen for two or three days. But, if you see notable mood or behavioral changes lasting more than a week, it could indicate something else is occurring, such as depression. In such cases, promptly seek professional treatment for your child.

Sources: Google Analytics, May 2019

Tackling Teen Anxiety (as seen in Diablo Magazine, June 2017)

A Fremont native’s new book helps parents of teens struggling with anxiety.

BY LOU FANCHER

When he was 13, Jon Patrick Hatcher began cutting himself, and he wrestled with years of substance abuse and panic attacks. As his parents struggled to understand him, they decided their son would benefit from professional help. Talk therapy—and Hatcher’s instinctive sense of humor—were key to helping him accept, acknowledge, and manage his anxiety.

Decades later, Hatcher, who got an M.A. from Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo, met Thomas McDonagh, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist in San Francisco. It was a perfect matchup that led to their new book, 101 Ways to Conquer Teen Anxiety: Simple Tips, Techniques, and Strategies for Overcoming Anxiety, Worry, and Panic Attacks.

Hatcher writes with a touch of humor, a tool he still uses to combat the anxiety he will never completely eliminate. We talked to the Fremont-raised author about his new book, why talk therapy is so effective, and practical things parents can do—and not do—to help their teenagers struggling with anxiety.

Q: Why did you write 101 Ways?

A: You can survive is really my message. If you look at the most brilliant minds on the planet, people like Einstein, they suffer a double-edged sword of depression and anxiety. The premise I want to get out is that it’s OK: Anxiety doesn’t define the rest of your life, and there are therapies designed to get you through it. If this reaches one kid out there and helps [him or her], that’s my mission.

Q: What should parents know about teen anxiety?

A: When teens react in an anxious state, they perceive the world in a vastly different, threatening way. A teen might act like a ferocious animal. If they self-
medicate, that might add to the out-of-control impression. What works isn’t telling a teen to calm down; it’s empathy and diplomacy that work best.

Q: What are some things parents can do to help their kids cope with anxiety?

A: Pay close attention to your [children’s] symptoms and what they might be telling you, while not discounting their feelings. Remind your [teens] that anxiety is what they’re feeling and not who they are. Keep in mind that anxiety is not an indicator of poor parenting. Anxiety disorders affect over 25 percent of all teens. Try to keep your fears to yourself and present a positive—or at least neutral—assessment and attitude of the situation. Consider adding some humor where you’re able. Humor is proven to help us deal with disappointments and uncertainties.

Model positive behavior and good self-care. If you take care of yourself, your child will learn that self-care is an important facet. Promote good sleep. A lack of sleep alone can lead to problematic anxiety. Help them get into a routine that prepares them for relaxation. This can include simple meditative breathing exercises or guided meditations. After asking them to share their fears and anxieties, prompt them to problem solve what is causing them anxiety, and help them to develop an actionable plan to counter their distress. Once you have implemented some of the aforementioned, keep the momentum [going]. Only through repetition of anxiety management techniques will your child learn how to counter and manage future stressful scenarios or periods of anxiety—particularly if the anxiety is long-term or chronic.

Q: What should parents not do?

A: Avoid making the problem worse: If parents haven’t had anxiety themselves, they might unintentionally create more anxiety by telling their teen that there’s dangerous stuff out there. Don’t overreact to teen drama. Remember, the teen brain is undergoing constant change. Offer empathy and help from a mental health professional.

Q: Why did you use humor in this book, and in what ways do you find humor useful – or even necessary?

A: The most successful, inadvertent coping technique I developed to alleviate anxiety in my own life is by sourcing the humor in the angst. That said, it definitely does not take away from the serious nature of the subject. Nor does it trivialize anyone’s suffering. It simply makes the material more approachable and relatable.

Q: How can teens avoid becoming overwhelmed?

A: The media show dramatic situations; news headlines make it seem like the world is falling apart; social media is like a mental filter that causes misperception. [Limit] time spent on social media platforms. Start with creating phone-free times. Parents might consider spending time offering their children specific alternatives to daily social media use that include school- or community-based sports, academic and social clubs, pursuing creative or artistic interests, and even volunteering. Engaging in talk therapy with a licensed psychologist [is also] important for managing extreme anxiety.

Q: What are your thoughts on medicating kids who suffer from anxiety versus using talk therapy?

A: I do feel we’re overmedicating kids. Parents [often] demand it, physicians feel put on the spot, and teens aren’t getting the skills they need in therapy. That said, there’s definitely a place for medication in chronic anxiety and depression—especially if a teen talks of suicide and practices self-harm. A pill is easy, and the effect is quicker than acquiring the skills of therapy. But the skills are going to last longer and have fewer side effects. I emphasize therapies and say always bring in a medical professional for medication and a licensed psychologist for mental health support.

Q: Therapy can be effective in managing teen stress, but what can we do about the stigma attached to mental health issues like depression and anxiety?

A: We’ve come a long way, but kids are still bullied, mental health is played down, and kids are told they’re flawed. Cutbacks in programs to help people who need mental health support have made it worse. A lot of people play down the suffering of any mental illness. The brain is an organ like any part of the human body. We don’t say the person with diabetes suffers insulin shock on purpose. We have to have more empathy.

Q: What other types of therapies have you found to be most helpful?

A: Evidence-based therapies that are the most researched and effective that helped me are cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. Cognitive breaks down anxiety into thoughts, behaviors, and physical symptoms. It involves identifying and disputing irrational thoughts. Dialectical builds on the foundation of cognitive to help enhance it’s effectiveness and address specific concerns.

Q: What should a teen experiencing extreme anxiety do immediately? 

A: Go to an adult to ask for help. If teens feel different, if they think bad thoughts and don’t know why, they need to talk to an adult who is close. For immediate relief, they should use the four-by-four-by-four breathing technique recommended in my book. [Breathe in for four seconds; hold for four seconds; breathe out for four seconds. Do it four times.] It is clinically proven to calm the body. stateofanxiety.com.

I Don’t Feel Like Peopling: 10 Ways to Slay Social Anxiety (as seen in Reader’s Digest, June 2017)

At home and on social media, you’re an extroverted badass. In public, you become an isolationist dodging eye contact and handshakes, with a tendency towards agoraphobia and a general excitement over cancelled plans. Your favorite party trick is not going.

What is Social Anxiety?

The most common of all the anxiety disorders, social anxiety is an extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations. A little social anxiety is normal for everyone. However, when social anxiety becomes abnormal, it’s a self-serving, narcissist hell-bent on your full attention – like Kim Jong-un or Miley Cyrus.

Social anxiety disorder is an enigma in that it comprises a general distaste for peopling, with an opposing internal need for … people. But on your terms, and in limited doses. Social anxiety can save you money on all the fun things you would otherwise go out and do. The downside includes a sadistic focus on all things that can go wrong; nervously blurting everything you never wanted to say aloud just to fill conversational lulls; and performing extensive post-interaction analyses to scrutinize your perceived collective flaws.

How Does One Get Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety is contagious. Sort of. Researchers are learning that anxiety disorders run in families, and that they have a biological basis, much like allergies, diabetes, and bad taste. Anxiety disorders typically develop from a complex set of risk factors that include genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life experiences.

Neurosis Loves Company: The Social Anxiety Numbers

Anxiety is the most common mental illness for adults, and the number one mental health issue in North America (source: NIMH). Of all the anxiety disorders, social anxiety is the most common, with 15 million American adults suffering a social anxiety disorder, or 13 out of 100 people. The malady is equally common among men and women, and typically begins around age 13. Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about 1/3 of those suffering receive treatment.​

All of this supports a rationale for keeping a blank social calendar from an underground doomsday bunker. However, you can get out there and thrive. Here are 10 ways how:

  1. THROW A COUNTERPUNCH. Do not give in to what the anxiety is driving you to do. Instead, acknowledge it and say, “Hey, inner angst, I’m the shot caller and I came to party!” Whatever it is that counters the anxiety, do it. Each time you parry your fear, you are “rewiring” your brain and weakening anxiety’s hold on you. No one overcomes social anxiety who consistently avoids. Author and clinical professor of psychology at Weill-Cornell Medical School, Robert Leahy, Ph.D. stresses that, left untreated, social anxiety is associated with an increased risk foralcohol abuse, depression, loneliness, decreased occupational advancement and the increased likelihood of remaining single. Drunk, idle, sad, and alone is no way to live. Feel and face your anxiety – sober. You can actually do things while anxious and realize nothing bad happens.
  2. EXPOSE YOURSELF. Many studies demonstrate the efficacy of exposure-based therapies for anxiety disorders, as summarized in several published meta-analyses according to Johanna S. Kaplan, PhDand David F. Tolin, PhD in Psychiatric Times. (“Exposure Therapy for Anxiety Disorders,” September 2011). We avoid what frightens us and, in return, are frightened by what we avoid. Expose rather than avoid by creating an exposure hierarchy. Write down scenarios that cause you anxiety in order of severity. Perform the easiest behavior first, and move down the list. Your hierarchy might start with asking a stranger for directions, and end with asking your boss for a raise. It doesn’t matter if s/he laughs you out the door. It matters that you actually asked. Social anxiety wants you timid and poor.
  3. BECOME AN ASKHOLE. According to Mark Tyrell, therapist and co-founder of Uncommon Knowledge, asking questions makes for great social lubricant when you otherwise have nothing to say in a social setting. Ask open-ended questions such as, “How do you know the host?” Alternatively, try soliciting advice asking something like, “Does anyone have any good movie/book/sushi recommendations?” Ask follow-up questions that take the conversation deeper. Asking where the restroom or vodka is located, or when the party ends doesn’t count.
  4. GIVE YOURSELF LICENSE TO CHILL. The more you worry and let anxiety rule your days, the more you wire your brain to continue worrying and being anxious, while continually linking anxiety to specific events. Instead, consider yoga, tai chi, or visualization to prepare yourself. In Psychology Today, Eric R. Maisel Ph.D. emphasizes a visualization technique to lessen anxiety. Create a mental picture of relaxing. It could be at a beach sunset, watching a forest gently sway to a breeze, leaves falling silently in your backyard, etc. When you visualize, engage your other senses as well. What does the place smell and feel like? What do you hear? Do it every day for long enough that it becomes as natural as staring at your smartphone.
  5. PLUG YOUR NOSE. Try alternate nostril breathing. This is a simple, natural breathing technique for managing stress and anxiety. Close one nostril by placing your thumb gently over it. Breathe out then in through the uncovered nostril. After each breath cycle, switch sides. A breath cycle is one out-breath and one in-breath. Leading with your out-breath, do one out-breath followed by one in-breath through each nostril. Repeat this series, alternating nostrils after each inhalation. According to Ayurvedic medicine, alternate nostril breathing brings the body and mind into a state of balance and neutrality, and has been used by elite athletes for decades. It will likely be easier to breathe through one nostril than the other. You’re not deformed – it’s normal.
  6. PUMP-UP YOUR JAM. According to Dr. Lisa Legault of Clarkson University, “Practitioners who are interested in using self-affirmation as an intervention tactic in academic and social programming might be interested to know that the strategy produces measurable neurophysiological effects.” Pick a mantra, slogan, or verse to incite yourself prior to an event or performance.Psalm 55:22 is an example calming scripture: “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Alternatively, to get motivated to conquer, consider AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock.” Find your own song or chant that calms or inspires confidence as you head to a gathering or performance. Remember, anticipation of a worrisome social situation is usually worse than the actual event. Unless it’s going to prison.
  7. SILENCE “BOO.” Boo is the cruel cynic in your head relentlessly booing you, filling you with worry and doubt. Like a mother in law, but invisible. Dispute Boo’s negative rants with truths such as, (1) you are more than capable of nailing the upcoming marathon/wedding toast/hostage negotiation; (2) there are at least as many reasons things will go right for you; and (3) you are competent, skilled, and deserve to be happy! Ben Martin, Psy.D. presents four main types of challenging questions to negative thinking: (1) What evidence do you have for this thinking? (2) Are there any other ways you could look at this situation? (3) Is this situation as bad as you’re making it out to be? And, (4) What can you do to help yourself solve the problem or to feel better?
  8. STOP GIVING A #%@! what others think. Social anxiety is tied to feelings of being judged. The judgements and opinions of others have no reflection on your worth or talents. Social anxiety treatment includes learning to be flawed, while detaching approval from external sources. Being a perfectionist is fine in rocket science, but not when bringing Chex™ Mix to Bunco night. According to an American Psychological Association study, we consistently overestimate how much, and how badly, others think of us, causing us to be more inhibited and less impulsive and happy than we could be (“Do others judge us as harshly as we think? Overestimating the impact of our failures, shortcomings, and mishaps.” Savitsky, Kenneth; Epley, Nicholas; Gilovich, Thomas / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 81(1), Jul 2001, 44-56).
  9. PRESS LEVER FOR SNACK. Rather than berating yourself in post interaction analysis, practice self-reward. Not with rounds of tequila or tattoos. But commend yourself for attending the event, for being present, and for facing down your anxiety. Each time you counter your anxiety, you whittle away its power over you, while gaining confidence to step in the ring again. You are taking your life back one endeavor at a time. A tenet of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is the importance of rewarding yourself for exposing yourself to your fears. You deserve the adulation, and you will be more motivated to do it again if there are some self-high-fives or frozen yogurts on the back end.
  10. PHONE A FREUD. See your doctor or a mental health provider if anxiety disrupts your life or daily activities. You may need treatment to get better. Like a receding hairline, social anxiety happens gradually and initially without much notice. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment for social anxiety. Self-medicating is not. You can find a therapist HERE.

Anxiety hates to dance. So get out there and dance.

Stressed, Anxious, or Depressed? The world can harsh your chill (as seen in Justine Magazine, May 2017)

As seen in Justine Magazine – April/May 2017

Only 35 years ago, anxiety did not exist as a diagnosis. Today it’s the most common form of mental illness. But ours is hardly the first troubled era humans have endured. Our predecessors bore much saltier times such as Black Death; World Wars I and II; The Great Depression; Slavery; and that time all the dinosaurs went missing.

Prolific news and social media can have us drowning in gloom. The only winners in this unhealthy arrangement are the advertisers who regularly interrupt 24-hour news streams of wheelchair thieves and otter-punchers to scare us into buying underground survival bunkers and anxiety pills.

Stress and anxiety are in the mind of the beholder.

Stress and anxiety share many of the same physical symptoms. Stress is a state of mental or emotional tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances. If you are stressed you feel anything from agitation or moodiness to a queasy stomach and chest pain. Anxiety is what one feels in reaction to the stress, and is worry that continues after the stressor is gone.

Anxiety can include feelings of nervousness, panic, insomnia, or doom about a pending event, life uncertainties, or even about nothing at all. Anxiety can further take the form of PTSD, OCD, panic disorders, phobias, or generalized anxiety disorder. It can make you feel cracked, neurotic, and cerebrally paralyzed.

Everyone experiences stress and anxiety at some point, and a little is beneficial. It kept your ancestors alive when a saber toothed tiger crept into their cave while they made s’mores. It keeps you sharp and motivated to respond to threats, deadlines, and unwelcomed Facebook tags. A problem exists, however, when there is too much stress; it becomes chronic, or leads to depression.

Simple ways to distinguish between stress and anxiety:

  • Unlike anxiety, stress is a response to daily pressures, while anxiety is more akin to fear and helplessness
  • Anxiety is classified as an actual mental disorder, stress is not
  • Stress is a response to a specific stressor, while anxiety often has no discernible cause
  • Stress typically goes away with the stressor, while anxiety tends to last longer and be more difficult to treat.
  • A diagnosis of anxiety requires persistence of symptoms for six months or more

With anxiety often comes depression, as the disorders are interlinked. Depression includes feelings of intense sadness, hopelessness, lethargy, and thoughts of death or suicide. Chronic stressful life situations can increase the risk of developing depression.

A prescription for quelling your angst:

When it comes to stress, anxiety, or depression, how you respond is vital. Consider using the following proven tactics:

  1. Stay grounded in the present. Depression is rooted in the past, and anxiety in future thinking.
  2. If anxiety spikes, implement 4x4x4 breathing (breathe in for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and do this 4 times).
  3. Channel nervous energy into something creative.
  4. Continually monitor your thoughts and dispute any that are negative.
  5. Cite three things for which you are grateful each day, no matter how small.
  6. Get to bed early and at the same time each night. And turn off the electronics to turn off your brain.
  7. Have a productivity goal (something from your “To-Do” list) and a pleasure goal (something from your “Fun-To-Do” list) each day.
  8. Eat well and exercise. Limit caffeine, eat your veggies, and stay active.
  9. Add yoga, prayer, or meditation daily.
  10. Practice Opposite Action. In other words, regularly counter what anxiety or depression is prompting you to do.

Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure everything out. You don’t.

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